A/N: Here's an alternative way all that some of the couples in this story could have gotten together.

Shepard: Oh, Garrus, could you come over here? I need your help in some... calibrations. And I hear you're an expert in it... Wait... are you still making adjustments to the Thanix cannon? I thought you said you were finished with those calibrations...

Garrus: One less to worry about!

Shepard: Really? About time! I mean, uh... now that you're done, why don't you come over and sit next to me? I'm sure I could give you a much better sight to look at...

Garrus: Scoped and dropped!

Shepard: (blinks) Well, damn, I expected I would be the forward one in this situation! Never mind. I'm just I can finally find someone in this damn galaxy I can truly trust. I just hope I have enough of that ointment Mordin gave me; the last time we did this, I broke out in a horrible rash. In fact I've skill got some bumps on my stomach from the allergic reaction...

Garrus: Scratch one!

Shepard: What? No, I tried that- it didn't work. Forget about it; we've got more important things to do. Let me just get something first. (Reaches into pocket and discovers she's forgotten Mordin's specially designed inter-species condoms). Damn. (To Garrus). No shields!

Garrus: (in frustration) Perfect!

Shepard: Aw, screw it. Get over here, you big macho turian!

(An hour later).

Shepard: Oh God... Garrus... when are you... gonna... finish? Can't... take... much more! (Garrus rolls off her). What are you doing? I was almost there! What happened?

Garrus: Never saw me coming!

Shepard: ...

Garrus: (contently to himself, staring downwards) I love this rifle...


Miranda: Ah, Jacob, there you are. I was wondering if I could talk to you about...

Jacob: Get over here!

Miranda: (too quickly) YES! I mean, uh... what do you mean? I received a message from asking me to meet you in the engine room. I sent you one back explaining that I couldn't because of what happened the last time we went to 'talk' there. Didn't you get...?

Jacob: I got it!

Miranda: Oh. Well, then why did you ask for me to meet you? After all, I thought my response was... (Eyes drift down Jacob's body) PERFECT! Did you not understand?

Jacob: (seeing where Miranda's eyes are focused on his body) Gravity's one mean mother, huh?

Miranda: (muttering) Don't I know it. (aloud) Well, as flattering as your offer is, I'm afraid I can't afford to have any weaknesses. Considering my high position within Cerberus, it would...

Jacob: You're done!

Miranda: What are you... oh, right. We don't work for Cerberus anymore. And all those rules and regulations no longer apply. Alright fine- you want it, you'll get it. But there's still the matter of personal safety. Are you really sure you want to do this, Jacob? Because you need to remember that I'm not gentle.

Jacob: Throwing up a barrier! (throws up biotic barrier)

Miranda: You think that's going protect you? (activates biotics and disables Jacob's barricade) I'll crush them!

Jacob: The hell you will! (throws up another biotic barrier) Nothing can hurt me now!

Miranda: Oh, really? (disables Jacob's barricade again) Here we go!

Jacob: What the... (Miranda jumps on top of him) Oh God...

Miranda: Now let's finish you off!

(Two hours later)

Miranda: (smirking down at Jacob's unconscious form) Nighty night!


Grunt: Ah, there you are, human! Ready for a re-match at the drinking contest?

Jack: Fuck you, asshole! I beat you fair and square. Get out of my face!

Grunt: Or what?

Jack: I'll throw you like a toy!

Grunt: The hell you will! I'll rip you apart with my bare hands!

Jack: Try it, motherfucker!

Grunt: (knocking Jack to the ground). Yeah! Right on your ass!

Jack: You son of a bitch! I'm going to rip you a new asshole! (jumps up)

Grunt: On the ground, NOW!

Jack: Over my dead body! (sends Grunt flying with a biotic hit) Fly, bitch!

Grunt: (gasping for air) Why you little...

Jack: Aw, is the big perfect krogan really just a big pussy? Now it's getting fun! I should've...

Grunt: Too late! (suddenly tackles Jack) Now you're dead!

Jack: Really? (pins Grunt against a wall) Hello, dead person!

(Both stare at each other, breathing heavily for a few moments)

Jack: (bluntly) Are we gonna fuck already or are you just gonna stand there gasping like the weak-ass pussy that you seem to be?

Grunt: The hell I am! You know who you're dealing with?

Jack: A big dumb virgin brute?

Grunt: I. Am. KROGAN!

Jack: (glancing downward) Ho-ly shit. Guess you are after all.

Grunt: And what makes you think you're worthy of a warrior like me?

Jack: (groaning) Oh... (grabs Grunt) Come here!


A/N: Please review! You want me to do more?