After the last couple of chapters, I decided to go back to basics and see what craziness I could come up with. So here's something that I had in mind for the past few weeks. Enjoy!
Chapter 24: It's not what you think!
Robin and Nami (otherwise known as Sanji's fantasy come true…sort of)
Sanji was just about to push open the door to the women's quarters when a strangled whine reached his ears.
"Not so rough ane san!" Nami whimpered.
"You were the one that requested this, navigator chan." He heard robin chuckle darkly.
"I know I did, but I also asked you to be gentle with me. It's my first time….OH!" The ginger haired girl let out a strangled gasp.
"Steady Mr. Prince~!" Sanji thought frantically as he plugged his bloody nose with strips of a napkin.
"Oh my…that feels good! Where did you learn how to do this?" the fiery haired mellorine said.
"Fufufu! Let's just say that Ms. Doublefinger and Ms. Valentine's Day often sought me out between missions when they needed a little…relief." Robin replied with what seemed (to Sanji's hormone fogged mind) like a lecherous chuckle.
Sanji's let out a strangled squeak as his mind conjured all sorts of images, all of them akin to the type of things you'd find in the adult magazines he kept stashed in his bunk.
"I see…that's so, very, very nice of you." Nami moaned,
"Oh, indeed. The three of us spent quite a bit of time doing this. You'd be surprised how…useful…their devil fruits proved to be."
"Indeed. I learned many things from my years working with Valentine chan and Doublefinger hime. Such as this…"
"Oh! Oh! Oh! Not so hard! That's it! That's the spot! Don't stop! Don't stop!"
Sanji's eyes bulged as his blood pressure finally went through the roof and he was propelled backwards by the most powerful nosebleed he had ever experienced. He slammed into and though the opposite wall with a thunderous crash
"Mellorine!" the cook gurgled as consciousness left him.
Seconds later, Nami poked her head out of her bunk, still fully clothed and sans her sandals. She spied the downed cook and rolled he eyes.
"Geez. How troublesome. Just when ane san was getting to the best part of the foot massage." The navigator grumbled under her breath, dragging the comatose chef to the infirmary by his ankle.
Garp and Coby (Helmeppo needs brain bleach)
Helmeppo was rotating his right shoulder, grimacing as the pins and needles feeling of circulation returning flowed into his bruised limb.
"Damn it, why did Garp sama have to throw me so hard…" the chief petty officer muttered mutinously.
"It's so big! I don't know if I'll be able to make it fit!" the blonde heard his friend and superior officer gasp from behind a closed door.
"Don't you worry! It's just a matter of finding the proper angle to put it in your mouth. I find that crouching first helps." The vice admiral said.
"But it's so long and thick! I'd have to unhinge my jaw just to get it past my teeth, let alone down my throat!"
"Sometimes a distraction helps. Try humming a little ditty to take your mind off things." The older man replied eagerly.
Helmeppo's eyes crossed as he fought the urge to keep listening. The conversation was like a ship wreck, you wanted to look away but you couldn't.
The next several seconds were spent listening to Coby hum as he tried to force something to large into his mouth, all the while hearing Garp make the occasional comment like "That's good, shove it all in there!" and "Use your teeth to gently gently scrape the outer skin!"
Helmeppo was so lost in his horrific fantasy that he didn't realize that Coby had walked out of the galley and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Oi! Helm-kun! You there? Garp Sama was just teaching me something really amazing! You want to join in?" the pink haired youth asked innocently.
Helmeppo looked at his friend's mouth and saw a white substance clinging to the corner of his lips. The shattered young man let out a yowl of terror and ran for the hills.
Blinking owlishly, Coby wiped the ranch dressing he slathered onto his extra spicy, extra large South Blue Sausage Sandwich off his lips with a napkin.
"I wonder what his problem was? Oi! Garp Sama! Don't you dare eat the rest of my sausage! I just started on that!" the master chief petty officer protested as he disappeared using soru.
Kizaru and Aokiji (otherwise known as the not so dynamic duo)
"What do you two think you're doing?" Akainu asked dryly, looking at the incriminating scene before him.
His fellow admiral Aokiji was half under his desk, his legs and rear sticking out a jutting into the air.
Kizaru on the other hand, was plastered against him, his cheek resting on the cool surface of the desk and his hand stuck (or frozen, the magma user couldn't be sure from that angle) to the ice user's rear.
"This isn't what it look like!" the light man protested as he tied to extricate himself from the situation…
"Ya got that right…" the ice man muttered mutinously.
"How about you two start from the beginning…" red dog groaned.
Several minutes earlier…
"Zzzzzzzzz" the dark skinned admiral snored, his signature sleep mask pulled down over his eyes.
He was in the middle of a very pleasant dream about his own personal harem, when a loud bang jolted him out of his mid day nap.
"WAH!" the blue pheasant yelped, lashing out with his leg, knocking an open tub of glue under his desk.
He glowered at the annoying admiral one desk over who was throwing paper airplanes and blasting them with his devil fruit powers.
"Oi! Who are you calling annoying?" the other half of the human pretzel sputtered.
"You. This is all your fault, after all." Aokiji replied glibly.
Sighing tiredly, the ice admiral grabbed a rag from his desk (little known fact: Aokiji is a pack rat, and won't throw anything away if he deems it somewhat useful) and crawled under his the piece of furniture.
The admiral's eyes widened in horror as he realized that he had just plopped his hand down into the sticky substance.
"Need some help?" the one voice he didn't want to hear, Kizaru's, asked.
"No. I can handle this myself." The ice man said as he tied to wiggle out.
Only to get his other hand stuck as well.
It was at that moment that the bottle rolled into his line of sight. On the label were five words: extra quick drying rubber cement.
"Isn't that lovely…" the ice admiral drawled looking to the heavens.
In a fit of childish temper, the trapped man caused an ice spur to grow from his arm and knock the bottle away.
"No need to get huffy I'll pull you out of…WHOA!" Kizaru yelped, as the self same glue bottle tripped him, sending the other admiral tumbling.
The pika pika no mi user slammed face first into the desk, planting his right cheek (the one on his face, pervs!) into a big puddle of rubber cement.
The light man flailed wildly, scrabbling to free himself.
He swept his hand though the still drying glue patch, before latching onto the first thing he could grab to push himself free: which was his fellow admiral's ass.
"And as you can see red dog, that is how this is the idiot's fault." The bearded man replied.
Frowning, Aokiji's butt suddenly frosted over, freezer burning his fellow admiral's hand.
"GAH! COLD! COLD! COLD!" The other half of the human modern art…er, ultimate military power, yelped.
"All things considered, I'd better free you before someone else finds out about his. Now sit still, I wouldn't want to… burn something off by accident." Akainu muttered as he advanced on his fellow admirals, his hands engulfed by magma.
Robin and Luffy (otherwise known as the date that wasn't…or was it?)
Nami (who was not only wearing a male school uniform, but several hundred beli poorer) twitched angrily as she berated her twin assistants (who were wearing identical sailor fuku).
"How did I get into this mess? " The straw hat pirate thought…
It was shortly after the events of Enies Lobby, The Straw hats were milling around the city, each absorbed in their own little world, high off the knowledge that their latest victory was the sweetest yet.
Nami was sitting in an outdoor café pouring over the knowledge she managed to glean from the den-den mushi .
"Hmmm, what to do with this information? Coby is pretty much an open book, but this doesn't do me much good now. While it's good to known how to cross the calm belt without having to belt a bunch of seakings, we don't have the money to make any improvements to our future ship. Iceburg was nice enough to let us have some high class furnishings, and other amenities to live off of, but as of now, we don't have two belis to rub together. Oh well, a pirates life is a poor one I suppose…" the ginger haired girl sighed mentally, lamenting her lot in life.
That was when she looked up and spied an odd sight. Across the canal was one of the higher class love motels, known for their silence toward their client's identities.
And who walked out other than Robin and captain Monkey D. Luffy.
Luffy shot her a wide grin as she brushed her fingers along his arm. His eyes alight with mischief, he whispered into her ear, eliciting a feminine giggle.
"Robin never giggled! She chortles, she laughs, she scares that living daylight out of people, but she never giggles!" the navigator sputtered with slack jawed shock.
The coup de grace was when the crew's archeologist planted a soft kiss on his cheek right before they walked away arm in arm.
Nami wordlessly hopped onto the nearby Yagara and sped off: fully intent on unraveling this unnatural situation.
That was when she stopped in her tacks.
"If I'm going to get to the bottom of this (and get something out of it), I'll need some expert help." The navigator uttered, turning her yagara around and speeding toward the beach.
"What?-! Monkey kun and Robin- san are doing it?-! Waina!" Mozu of the square sisters yelped.
"Doing it like rabbits in heat?-! Waina!" Kiwi goggled.
"Yes! Now I need you two to come with me, I don't know this area very well and I need some guides!" the ginger haired girl hissed.
"You can count on us!" the twins chorused, throwing a smart salute.
And that was how Nami found herself crouched behind a half demolished wall , observing the two as they window shopped in a nearby clothing store.
"It's true! They're really on a date?" Kiwi squeaked.
"An actual date!" her sister yelped.
Their jaws dropped as Robin picked up a dark colored halter top and held it up against her slim fame. Luffy nodded eagerly.
"You all live on the same ship, right?" Mozu pressed.
"All under the same roof, right?" Kiwi continued.
"Yes…" Nami said uncertainly.
"Then it's a woman's romance to fall for the dashing captain!" the first cackled
"Fall like a ton of bricks!" the second continued!
"Would you two knock it off!-? And hand me that den-den mushi! It's time we got a second opinion with from our resident sneaky sniper …" the redhead uttered, snapping a quick photo and sending it out.
Usopp was brushing his teeth when the transponder snail let out an excited warble.
"'ello?" the dark skinned young man gurgled.
"Usopp, I wanted to get your opinion an something. Kiwi, Mozu, and I came across an interesting scene involving Ane san and Luffy. We think the two of them are on a date!" the arthropod parroted as it's underside flashed and discharged a picture.
The brush dropped out of the sniper mouth when he saw that the image in question was of their captain sharing a parfait with the crew's archeologist.
"NAAAANNNNIIII?-!-?" A demonic voice howled from the bathroom next door.
A 5'9 will o' wisp burst through the door, naked as the day he was born.
"Nami Chwan?-! Is this some kind of joke?" the cook yelped as he put the crew sniper (who was screwing his eyes shut for the sake of his own sanity) in a headlock as he bellowed into the receiver.
Nami dropped the snail to the floor as it burst into flames, still roaring in the same unnatural voice.
"Crew relationships are prohibited (unless they involve me)! For Robin Swan's innocence please keep an eye on them!"
"Sanji! For the love of one piece, put some clothes on!" They heard Usopp yelp right before the connection cut off.
"You heard the man, let's go." Nami groaned, rolling her eyes.
"First, we're going to need some disguises!" Kiwi giggled as she pulled the Straw hat pirate into the same clothes shop occupied by the captain and navigator only moment before.
"Hm, what do you think?" Robin murmured, gesturing to a set of clothes in a nearby window.
"It should be more meat colored!" the captain drooled.
"Captain san, we discussed this… meat color would clash with her eyes." Robin explained patiently.
"Oh yeah! I guess that makes sen…Waugh!"
Suddenly, a pair of dark skinned girls with their hair in a square buns and their handsome bishonen boyfriend tackled the two out of the way.
"Buy that for us Namizou-kun! Waina!" the girl to the left squealed
"Yes, Waina! Buy us those kawaii clothes!" the sister to the right squeaked.
"I'm gonna kick their asses for that!" Luffy huffed as he scrambled to his feet, only to be still by robin's hand to his shoulder.
"No need. While they were buying that, I got something more appropriate." The dark haired woman said, holding up a bag.
"Kiwi no baka! Mozu no baka!" the 'bishonen boy' snarled as he chased the girls down the street with the shopping bags.
It was several hours later that the trio (two of whom were sporting new lumps the size of cantaloupes) watched as Robin and Luffy sat on the steps of the Water Seven theatre, watching the sunset.
Suddenly, Luffy's eyes drooped and he fell sideways, his head resting on Robin's knee.
"Ah! She's letting his sleep on her lap! I'm so jealous of her!" Mozu whined.
"Jealous? You do that with Franky all the time" Kiwi sputtered.
"Rooooooo…." Someone yelled on the wind.
"Yeah, but he's got thighs of iron (literally)! You have any idea how uncomfortable that is?" Mozu shot back.
"Hush, both of you! Why did I have to get such troublesome assistants?" Nami sighed, as they listened in.
"Cccchwwwwaaannnn!" the unseen person howled.
"Anybody else hear that?" Nami blinked as she listed to the oddly familiar wail.
"Hmmm. You may be child like at times, but there's no mistaking you drive. I owe you quite a bit. It's of little wonder why you're so exhausted…" the archeologist sighed, stroking the sleeping young man's hair as she bent toward his lips.
"Nooooooo! You shitty piece rubber! Why do you always get the girls?-!" Sanji sobbed as he rushed onto the scene.
"Sanji! Slow down! Not all of us are superhuman like you monster trio. I think I got a bad case of 'I'll-die- if-I-keep-running-disease'" the dark skinned young man gasped as he collapsed to the ground.
"Ah! Sanji, Usopp, Nami? What are you doing here?" The captain blinked as he wope up, rubbing his eyes sleepily.
"I believe they discovered our intentions, captain kun." Robin smiled knowingly.
"Aw! And I was hoping to surprise her in a few weeks…" Luffy whined as he held out the bag Robin bought earlier.
"Since we missed your birthday because of the recent craziness, we got you this." The captain pouted.
Nami's eyes misted over as she pulled out a newly published book on Grand Line and New world navigation techniques.
"Aw, thanks!" the ginger haired girl blushed as she hugged them in turn.
"You mean… they weren't on a date? Sanji blinked.
"No. You flared up my 'I'll-die- if-I-keep-running-disease' for nothing!" the sniper glowered.
"Like you care! It's not as if you know the heartbreak of lose love! Or of losing your heart to a beautiful mellorine!" Sanji sobbed theatrically.
"And you do? Zoro told me you confessed that you're still a virgin, when you got hammered a few months back." The curly haired young man deadpanned.
"SHITTY LONG NOSE! HOW DARE YOU BESMIRCH MY REPUTATION!" the cook howled as he knocked the sniper into the canal with a flurry of kicks.
No one noticed Robin and Luffy sneak away from the fracas.
Several hours later, Luffy looked up at the hotel room ceiling, Robin cuddled into his side.
"Do you think they bought it?" he asked.
"I believe we can assume so." She replied as they went back to what they were doing that morning.
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