[A/N: Howl vs. Edward… honestly, is there any competition?? (well, in my opinion anyway…)
Contains major Twilight bashing, so if you plan to be offended Do Not Read! :) Otherwise, REVIEW and make my day]
In Forks, Washington, where monsters, magic and the supernatural exist under a 62,000,000-inch annual rainfall, it is quite a misfortune to be the new girl in town.
…And if you also happen to be the eldest of three sisters… well, good luck.
"FANNY!" screeched Lettie Hatter. "Why did we have to move to this stupid little town? There is not even a mall!"
"Yeah, Mom," said Martha. "This is really lame. It's raining again. And a moose just walked down the street."
"SHUT UP, GIRLS!!" said Fanny. "We moved here because I'm evading divorce lawsuits. They'll never find me here… The lawyers in Ingary don't even know this place EXISTS. AHahaahahahaaa… sorry."
"I'm trying to mop the floor. You're about to step in my bucket."
"Oh, so sorry darling… All right, girls, I don't want to listen to you complaining any more, go out and seek your fortunes. Not you, Sophie, finish cleaning the house. …And GIRLS, don't go walking alone in the woods because there's scary MONSTERS out there!!"
"I don't think they heard you, Fanny."
[The next morning…]
"Wake up, Sophie!!"
"Guess what, my love?" asked Fanny brightly. "Your sisters have found their fortunes! …Well, actually, Lettie ran off with a big hairy werewolf, she lives on the rez now, luckily she met the right sort of beastie while rebelliously walking in the woods…"
"Uh. Fanny. Breathe. What happened to Martha?"
"Um, well, Martha apparently tried cliff-diving down at La Push, which didn't work out so great, but it was all ok because she met this really hot fisherman, and he saved her from drowning and fell in love with her and they sailed off into the sunset! Isn't that romantic, darling?"
Sophie groaned and pulled the covers over her head. This place was weird. "Yeah, sure… that's great."
"And now you're the last daughter left, and you are going to Forks High School! This is such a great opportunity for you darling, have fun, don't be late, I'm off, there's this really georgeous new doctor at the hospital…" And Fanny whisked out, giggling.
So Sophie got dressed, washed the dishes and went to Forks High School. It was raining.
Everyone stared at Sophie, and she stared back. She sat through a Trig class. It was like being repeatedly hit over the head with a teaspoon. Being the only one with sense in her family, Sophie had always meekly cleaned the house and done what her stepmother told her to do. But now she found that she was feeling very strong-minded indeed.
"This is worse than having my fingernails pulled out one by one," she muttered to her pencil.
A boy turned around and smiled and winked at her flirtatiously. She stabbed him with the pencil. Sophie was given detention.
Sophie sat in the cafeteria, feeling annoyed.
She poked the girl sitting next to her. "Who is that boy staring at me from across the room? The one with the weird hair? …And lipstick?"
The girl giggled. "Oh, that's Edward Cullen. And that's his family. They're albinos, I think. Don't pay any attention to them, they're a little weird."
"He looks constipated. Why does he keep staring at me?"
"Well, don't ask me, maybe he wants to eat you."
"Why would he want to eat me? …Hey, come back, wait… he's coming over here… oh, help…"
"Heyyyy," said Edward. "I'm Edward."
"Um, hi. Sophie Hatter. Are you okay, because you kind of perpetually look like you're in pain… oh, wow, are you seriously pursing your lips at me?"
"Yes, you were."
"You really don't want to make me angry, Sophie. All is not as it seems. Trust me."
"Umm, I don't know you. And you were the one who came over here, did you want to say something intelligent?"
Edward looked confused for a moment. "Wait, I just had it. Oh yeah. I wanted to say that… you smell really good. But there must be something wrong with you, because I can't hear your thoughts, oh darn I didn't mean to say that…" He facepalmed. "Just pretend you didn't hear that. Okay?"
"…Your family is glaring at you."
"Right… yeah, I've got to get out of here because I'm feeling a really strong urge to bite you right now, bye"
There was a blur, and Edward reappeared on the other side of the cafeteria.
"Do you think she noticed anything?" he stage-whispered to his family. Sophie stared for a minute, rolled her eyes and headed off to detention.
[Several hours later…]
…Something went "bump" in the night. Or rather, CRASH against the window, making Sophie jerk awake and glare.
CRASH. Thud. And then, distinctly, "OW."
Sophie got out of bed, grumbling, yanked the window open and peered out into the (rainy) darkness. "Who is freaking out there?"
"TARZANNNN!" screamed Edward, swinging through the window on a tree branch. Sophie leaped out of the way.
"AAAHHH! What are you doing in my bedroom in the middle of the night, you creeper! Get out of my house!!"
Edward batted his eyes. "Don't be like that, honey bunchkins, I only want to watch you sleep."
"Ewww! What the heck is wrong with you?"
"Umm. Well. Technically I'm not supposed to tell you this, but I really really like you so…" - he leaned in close – "I'm actually a hundred-year-old vampire."
"Oh. …Are all vampires creepy stalkers?"
"You don't seem surprised. Are you going into shock?? Maybe you should eat something… oh darn…maybe I should have eaten something…" He pinned her down on the bed, snarling and showing a set of pointy fangs.
"AAAHHH! So now what, you want to kill me?"
"No! No!! It's not like that, I mean my inner monster really wants to suck your blood because you smell sooo damn good… oh dear… but the real me just wants to be with you forever because I LOVE YOU!"
Sophie hit him with her bedside lamp and he fell out the window.
"…I wrote you a song…" he moaned from the ground below.
"GO AWAY. Oh, wait a minute. I can kill you with garlic, right?"
Edward tried to climb back in the window a few more times, but she locked it and barricaded it with a bookcase, so he settled for spending the night in her tree, where she could hear him muttering to himself. "I was hiding under your porch because I loooove you…"
Sophie didn't get very much sleep that night.
As a result, the next morning at school she was very grumpy and not disposed to be nice when Edward-the-vampire appeared beside her, leaning against his car in what he obviously thought was a sexy pose.
"I know my intensity probably scares you, but I really think you should go to the prom with me. You have to trust me, baby, we have a future together!"
"BEAT IT!!" Sophie yelled.
At that moment, Alice ran out of the nearest building screaming, "EDWARD! Look out, something really bad is about to happen!!" and yanked him out of the way just as an enormous castle descended on the parking lot, crushing Edward's silver Volvo.
There was silence for a while. The castle sat there, ugly and black, puffing smoke.
The rest of the Cullens and most of the school gathered around and stared.
"Wow," said Sophie.
Then the castle's front door opened and a very elegant and dashing wizard, wearing a splendid silk suit stood in the doorway. He looked around at the dreary, soggy brick buildings, confused.
"Damn," said Howl. "Forks, Washington. The curse has evidently caught up to me…" Then he caught sight of Sophie and winked. "Hello there, little mouse… you seem familiar somehow."
"Humph," said Sophie. But she couldn't help being taken with his charming smile.
"HOOOLD IT RIGHT THERE!"
Howl folded his arms and glared over Sophie's head, and she turned around to see Edward, Emmet and Jasper advancing threateningly in battle formation. "Absolutely no wizards allowed on our hunting grounds… so scram."
"Filthy bloodsuckers," muttered Howl, annoyed. I hate it here, Calcifer, I specifically said, move the castle to a nice remote vacation spot… and I get this?" There was a fizzling and sizzling from somewhere inside the castle, and a few extra noxious puffs of smoke. "Green slime any minute, I'm warning you, Calcifer…"
Apparently tearing himself away from this mysterious internal conflict, Howl walked out of the castle. He came forward and smiled pleasantly at the vampires.
"I really don't want to turn any of you into toads, can't we just resolve this peacefully? On the run from a witch here, so… I'll leave, Sophie here can come away with me, as she obviously needs rescuing from her stalker, and…"
"HEY," screeched Edward. "Don't make me bite you!"
"Hey," said Rosalie, "He's hot – I'm really digging the hair!"She turned on a megawatt smile and waved. "I'll come away with you, Howl!"
"He is not hot… HEY," said Emmet. "What did you just say, Rose baby??'
"I sense conflict," muttered Jasper.
Howl rolled his eyes. "Oh great, here come more of them…"
Carlisle had just come running up, with Fanny hanging on to his coat sleeve. She waved excitedly. "Sophie dear! This is Carlisle, that doctor I was telling you about, isn't he dreamy?"
"Fanny, he's a vampire. He's probably going to eat you."
"VEGETARIAN," said Carlisle. "And I'm married… Son, what is going on here?"
Edward pointed angrily. "That stupid wizard is trying to steal my girlfriend!"
"I'm NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!"
"…and he crunched my car!"
"My apologies," remarked Howl. "Calcifer's parallel parking skills could use some work…" but no one heard him in the general melee.
"Sophiieeeee!" Sophie winced and covered her ears as Martha and Lettie came running out of the woods. And Howl jumped as an elephant-sized wolf appeared behind him and breathed heavily.
"Ack… stop staring at me. Wait, you're cursed too! This wolf is a man!" Howl announced dramatically.
"Werewolf, actually," said Lettie. "That's Jake. My boyfriend. He won't bite. Probably. C'mere Jake… good boy!"
Edward snorted. "Is that a dog biscuit? Not cool, man."
Then he stalked forward and poked Howl in the chest. "I challenge you to a duel for Sophie's hand – and let me warn you buster, you're GOING DOWN!!"
Howl flinched. "Ugh. I hate conflict."
"I OWN YOU!!" Edward screamed, going into a fighting crouch despite Alice and Jasper's attempts to calm him down. "As if you could outrun me!" He circled the castle five million times before anyone could blink.
"…seven-league boots…" muttered Howl.
"As if you could fight me off!" Edward bench-pressed several cars, huffing loudly, then leaped on top of them and stood posing for the gaping crowd. He flicked his hair. "I'm sparkly... I'm awesome... YOU KNOW WHO! Go. Team. Edwaaaard!!!"
But just then, Howl raised his arms and muttered a string of strange words that lost themselves in claps of thunder, and suddenly Edward screeched in horror… "MY HAIR!!! Nooo! My beautiful, perfectly-tousled hair, you made it turn green! I'm turning into the Incredible Freaking Hulk!!"
"Wow," said Lettie. "I didn't know that was possible."
Edward leaped at Howl with a snarl of rage, but Sophie threw her ten-pound Trigonometry textbook, and Edward crashed to the ground moaning. "Nooo… there went my nose job… what is the point in living if I can't be beautiful?"
Howl stood on the steps of the castle and smirked. "I know exactly how you feel, kid… but that doesn't mean I'm in the mood to be sorry." Then he grinned at Sophie. "You know, I do believe you're a witch."
"Am not," Sophie snorted.
"Come away with me and live happily ever after?"
"SOPHIEEE!" yelled Edward. "You don't want to marry him. He's a heartbreaker!"
"Everybody stop yelling at me!" complained Sophie. "And you're a bloodsucker! Point is?"
Howl smirked some more. "He didn't have one."
"Yeah, he usually doesn't."
So Howl and Sophie went inside the moving castle, and waved cheerfully as it levitated off the pieces of Volvo and floated gently away into the clouds.
... leaving Edward kneeling by his wrecked Volvo and sobbing.
"Noooo," he groaned, and tore his green hair. "I cannot live without my life. I cannot live without my soul."
Jacob morphed into his human form, flexed his muscles and snorted. "Too long on a vegetarian diet, man…"
"Is he talking about the girl, the car, or his face?"
"…Probably all three."
"Umm, Eddy, possible problem…" said Alice, looking worried.
"EVERYONE SHUT UP." said Edward. "I'm trying to be melodramatic here. Leave me in peace." He banged his head against a tree. "VOLTURI! Come and get me… I don't want to live anymore!!"
"You won't have to, actually," remarked Aro pleasantly, stepping out of the woods, flanked by Marcus, Caius and about 50 of the Volturi's elite private guard.
"… I was going to warn you…" muttered Alice. "We're dead…"
Aro stepped forward, red eyes glowing, and handed Carlisle a piece of paper. He waggled his carefully-plucked eyebrows significantly.
"The Black Spot?" gasped Carlisle.
Aro bared his fangs and smirked nastily. "Causing a scene in the school parking lot! Really, Carlisle, I would have expected you to know better… as much as I would love to give an old friend, um, yet another chance, I'm afraid you all have to DIE."
Carlisle backed away. "Ah, Edward, a little help here…oh, dear… everybody RUN!!!"
… And, as Edward was too sunk in grief to utilize his awesome fighting skills, the Volturi staked and burned all of the vampires.
Oh wait, not stakes, that doesn't work on Cullens.
But anyway, they burned them, and had a huge bonfire party with hot dogs and marshmallows. Calcifer sent up fireworks from the castle.
Howl and Sophie lived happily (sort of) ever after. And vacationed on Isle Esme (because the vampires really didn't need it anymore).
And Forks was a happier place. At least for a while…
Cue theme music….
"Now listen to me baby (whoah oh oh)
Before I love and leave you (whoah oh oh)
They call me Heartbreaker (whoah oh oh)
I don't wanna deceive you (whoah oh oh)
…if you fall for me
I'm not easy to please
I might tear you apart
Told you from the start, baby from the start…
I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart
I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart…"
[A/N: Well? Did I make anyone laugh, or are you all mad at me for killing Edward? Don't worry, he'll probably resurrect at some point. Tricky bugger...
I don't own anything, especially not the theme music (Taio Cruz.) Review please!]