Title: To Give Himself
Pairings: ChigusaxRakan implied
Warnings: Kind of cheesy fluff. xD
Spoilers: Volume 10
Summary: The fact that Chigusa was a monster was of no importance now. He was still a person and he was Rakan's, and that was all that mattered.
Disclaimer: Silver Diamond isn't mine.
"I want to give myself to you."
Rakan lay awake, staring up at the ceiling. Everyone else had managed to calm down from Chigusa's abrupt request and return to sleep, but he couldn't. The words continued to spiral in his head.
It wasn't Chigusa's declaration that bothered him, not really. In a way, Rakan could understand where Chigusa was coming from. He'd been called a monster all these years and Rakan knew perfectly well how much loneliness could hurt. It seemed normal for him to be so fiercely loyal to the first person he met who didn't hate him. That made sense. It was Rakan's own thoughts which had bothered him, particularly the one that had crossed his mind just before he'd answered.
Why is it that I…want him so badly?
He tensed, scrunching up the edge of the blanket in his fists. His heart had raced at the thought of Chigusa giving himself to him. He wasn't sure what to make of his reaction, considering that the unusual request didn't even make any sense; a person wasn't an object, not something that could be given! By all accounts he ought to have brushed it off as some awkward phrasing, so why…
What Chigusa had said later hadn't helped. All that stuff about being under the same quilt, using his body heat to envelope him and keep him warm…
Rakan's face heated up. That was just more awkward phrasing, he told himself. Just a joke…though he knew by now that Chigusa didn't really understand jokes.
He was just afraid that unless he took some sort of drastic step, in the morning he might have thought he dreamed the conversation, Rakan thought, still bunching up the blankets. That's a perfectly normal fear.
What wasn't normal was how, ever since that moment, Rakan's mind kept flitting back to the idea of what it would be like to sleep beside Chigusa. It was such a nice thought. He bet that Chigusa's body would be steady. Solid. He was the kind of person who wouldn't shy away, who would hold him tightly without restraint.
Rakan wanted that. He'd spent too many months alone and now he wanted that closeness so badly that it ached. To the point that he stopped caring about what made sense.
After Narushige's outburst earlier, he waited until he was certain all their friends were asleep before he got up and walked over to Chigusa's bed. He was sleeping in his goggles. It was, in some silly way, endearing.
Gently, he shook his shoulder. Chigusa blinked up at him and bolted upright, reaching for his gun with one hand before Rakan stopped him and said, "Everything's okay, don't worry."
"Then why did you wake me up?"
"Um." Rakan looked down at his hands. "I…was wondering if I could sleep here."
"Your bed is over there."
"Is there something wrong with it? Is the floor uncomfortable there?"
One excuse was no better than any other and he didn't really know how to say that he wanted to sleep with someone without it sounding weird. So he seized onto that reason and said, "Yeah. And it's cold over there. It's okay if you don't want me to."
Without a word, Chigusa scooted over under his quilt and held up the side of it. Rakan, trembling slightly, got under the quilt and stretched out perfectly straight on the sleeping mat, trying not to touch his bedmate, but it was impossible. The bed was made for one person and Chigusa's shoulders were so damn broad.
"Am I taking too much room?" Chigusa asked. "I can take your bed if you'd prefer."
"No, it's fine." He was already getting a crick in his neck from the angle he had to keep to avoid touching more. "Um…maybe if you lay on your side it would work better."
His partner shifted, rolling onto his side – so that they were facing, Rakan couldn't help noticing – and asked, "Is that better?"
"Yeah, thanks. This is fine."
"All right. Good night Rakan."
"Good night Chigusa."
Rakan waited a few minutes before glancing to his side. Chigusa's eyes were closed, but Rakan doubted he was asleep again so quickly.
What the hell, Rakan figured. He had no idea what or why he was thinking anymore as it was. And Chigusa had been the one who came up with the idea in the first place. He closed his eyes again and rolled slowly, as if turning over in his sleep, until he felt his body bump up against Chigusa's. He felt his partner flinch, draw in a sharp breath, then slowly relax again. One of his arms settled over Rakan's body.
A soft thumping sound let Rakan know that his head was nearby Chigusa's heart. His body really did feel warm through the loose fabric of his clothing. It was nice. Fascinating in a way, really, how someone half-plant could have a heartbeat or body heat. On the outside he looked perfectly normal. He breathed like anyone else, bled like anyone else...
Forget what other people say. He's not a monster. Rakan grabbed on to Chigusa's shirt protectively, suddenly overwhelmed with powerful defiance. Chigusa didn't have to be human to be a person. He had emotions, if blunted ones. He'd been so happy to hear that he was liked…and so afraid that it hadn't even been real. It was enough to break Rakan's heart, that something so simple could affect him like that. He was a person with a soul who could be hurt like anyone else. And if he could be hurt, he could have all the other human emotions too. Sadness, happiness, love…
And he gave himself to me.
At the time Rakan hadn't fully understood what that meant. Now he began to think he did. As he clutched Chigusa's shirt more tightly, he felt his partner's grip on him tighten as well.
He said it was because I'd given him so much. It was just a fair trade, wasn't it? That's all it was…
All those times they'd talked and he thought that Chigusa simply didn't have a good grasp of the language…maybe it was the other way around. Maybe it was himself who hadn't understood. He hadn't wanted to understand, because understanding meant confronting the truth and the truth was…
I want him. I want him…to be mine. Am I allowed to ask for such things? Does that make me selfish?
Maybe it did, and Rakan didn't want that. But right now Chigusa's arms were around him and he was warm and it felt right.
If being selfish was the price for this…so be it.
X - X - X
Notes: Gods, volume 10 is such a great volume. I can't wait till they get it translated. *wibbles away* But of course I had to fluff the situation up a bit. x3 Maybe it's not the most original storyline, but it's sure dang cute. =3