Author's Note and Disclaimer:
I had a decent note typed up, but my beta lost it. I think it went something like this…
This is the first story I've ever written, so please don't be too hard on me.
I suppose I should extent a big thank you to Amanda (my 'beta')…sure she loses things and whatnot, but she also devotes a lot of her work day to helping me research things. Let's hope her boss doesn't find out. :o)
Character names, song titles and lyrics do NOT belong to me. They are the property of Stephenie Meyer, The White Stripes and The Ractonteurs, respectively.
*I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself*
I beg my stepbrother, 'Jasper, pleeease!?!'
'Hell no, Edward. I'm not doing it!'
Ugh...shot down. I try another approach, 'You don't know what it's like man! We can't all be lucky enough to find our 'true love' when we're 16!'
I see his resolve start to crumble, but then Alice, my twin, pipes up from the backseat, 'Why can't Rose just do it again?'
'Fuck no!' Rosalie and I say in unison.
Alice pouts, 'I thought it worked out well last time.'
I roll my eyes at Alice and scowl at Rosalie in the rearview, 'Yeah, it DID work out until she started fucking Josh whatshisname. Then all of the girls wanted a shot at mending my broken heart.'
Rosalie reaches up to pat me on the shoulder, 'I really am sorry about that, Edward. He was so hot though! A terrible fuck, but hot nonetheless.'
'Anyway...' says Alice, '...what am I supposed to do with myself while you guys are off queering it up and whatnot?'
'What do you mean?' I ask.
'I mean...while you and MY man are posing as homosexuals, what the fuck am I supposed to do with my free time?'
Oh...I hadn't thought of that. I stammer, 'Uh...um...chess club?'
Alice's face turns red and her voice goes up a few octaves, 'FUCK THAT!! That's like social suicide!!'
Now I get defensive, 'Chess club wasn't that bad in Jacksonville.'
'Right', Alice says, 'that's where you met Tanya.'
'Yeah, she was...' I'm cut off before I can finish my thought.
'Tanya was so pretty...' Alice trills in a sickeningly sweet voice.
'Tanya was so perfect...' Rosalie chimes in, in the same sickening tone.
'Tanya was a straight-up bitch.' Jasper dead pans.
'Whoa...she wasn't that bad!' I start defensively.
My siblings stare at me in disbelief and I shut up.
I met Tanya when we lived in Florida. She was beautiful. She was charming. She was, in fact, a 'straight-up bitch'. At the time I thought I was so lucky. I had finally found someone to be with.
I had joined the Chess club, instead of trying out for the football team in the hopes of staving off unwanted attention.
Not to sound conceded, but I'm a fairly good-looking guy. At least this is what I've been told. I've also been told that I have a 'good build', a 'beautiful face', 'just-fucked hair' and an 'amazing ass'. Again...this is what I've been told.
Back to Tanya...she was absolutely lovely. She was the only girl I ever actually asked out on a date. We went to a restaurant SHE wanted to go to. We saw a movie SHE wanted to see. This was the precedent for the rest of our dates. I had never been in a real relationship before…I thought that was how it was supposed to be: One person bending to fit the other person's needs. I just happened to be the one bending…and bending…and bending.
You'd think being around Alice and Jasper, or even my father and Esme, would've given me some sort of insight on what a relationship is supposed to be like…
You should have fun together, instead of counting down the hours until you can be rid of them.
You should look forward to seeing the person, instead of ducking into side hallways to avoid them.
You should agree on what shows to watch, instead of suffering through ANTM marathons.
You shouldn't be afraid to talk to your sister for fear your girlfriend will get jealous!!
It was that last one that finally sent me over the edge with Tanya. After three months, I had had it. She gave me a bunch of shit for having brunch with Alice, Rosalie and Jasper and not inviting her along. We were discussing gift ideas for our parents' second anniversary…there was no reason to invite her! Of course, normal human logic didn't work so well with Tanya. I shudder even remembering that conversation.
'You're fucking Rosalie, aren't you?' she accused.
'Um…what? Are you joking?'
She narrowed her eyes at me, 'You didn't answer the question, Eddie.'
I fucking hate being called 'Eddie'.
'Wow…okay…no. I am NOT fucking Rosalie. She's my stepsister.'
'What-the-fuck-ever!! That doesn't stop Alice and Jasper.' she said with a disapproving sneer on her face.
I came to their defense, 'Alice and Jasper are different. We've already discussed this.'
Her tone was condescending, 'Oh yeah. Okay. Sure, Eddie. Whatever you say.' And that was it.
'I'm done.' I got up to leave.
Then came the baby talk, 'Wha? Where's you goin'?'
'Far, far away from you.' my feet couldn't get me to the door fast enough.
'Oh Eddie, weddie…pwease don't go…' How the fuck did I tolerate this for so long?
'Tanya…I'm going to say this one time and one time only: Fuck. Off.'
'ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!' ah…the bitch was back.
'Goodbye, Tanya.' The door was already opened and I had one foot outside.
'FINE! GO! IT'S OVER, EDDIE!!' she screamed at my back.
And that was that. She tried to talk to me at school the next day, but I wouldn't give her the chance. I kept Rosalie or Alice by my side at all times to make sure she never had an opportunity to pounce. Three weeks later Dad told us that he was being stationed in San Diego…it was a welcomed move.
Things had been going well in San Diego, until Rosalie, who had agreed to pose as my girlfriend to keep the girls at bay, decided to fuck Josh whatshisname. When word of that got out, the girls were relentless. They called, they texted, they wrote notes, they sent flowers.
Because I'm cute?
Because I'm a football player?
Is THAT the only reason?
They didn't even know me. I could've been the dullest man alive. I could've had horrible taste in movies and music. I could've had box of dried skin, ala Goldmember. I could've been some horrible, sick date rapist.
Apparently none of those possibilities occurred to them.
I had to put up with the unwanted attention for six more months. Then Dad retired as a military doctor and accepted a job at a hospital in Bumfuck, Washington. He and Esme, my stepmother, have promised that this will be the last move.
So…here we are, driving to our new home. Dad and Esme are driving ahead of us in the huge moving van, Mercedes in tow. The sibs and I are following in my Volvo, trying not to annoy each other too much.
As excited I am about a fresh start, I'm still really nervous. I don't want this to be like the other schools. If we're going to be here for more than six months, I'd really prefer not to be the object of any unwanted affection.
'Okay, I'll do it.' Jasper says, breaking the silence.
The rest of us join together for a resounding, 'WHAT?!'
Jasper repeats himself, 'I'll do it, Edward. I'll be your boyfriend.'
I am truly beyond grateful. 'For real, man? You'll do this for me?'
Again, Alice needs to put her two-cents in, 'This is a bad idea.'
Fuck, she's annoying. 'Why, Alice?' I snap.
'Well…what if you meet someone? Or…what if Jasper slips up?'
Jasper comes to the rescue, 'I think we'll be fine, love.'
'But Jasper…we'll never have a moment together during the day! It'll suck! Please don't do this.' She starts to pout.
Jasper tries to appease her, 'Baby…just think of it as a whole day of foreplay.'
Alice slowly smiles…clearly liking that idea.
Rosalie gives them a look of disgust, 'Ugh…you guys…gross.'
'Yeah…seriously you two.' I agree.
'Oh, no-no-no-no-no, Edward…if Jasper is going to do this for you, then you're going to have to put up with our lovey-dovey shit.'
'Yeah, but Alice…'
'NO 'buts' about it, Edward. Take it, or leave it.' Alice can be quite the pit-bull sometimes.
I concede, 'Fine…fine…whatever. Lovey-dovey it up.'
Jasper clears his throat, 'I do have some conditions.'
Now I'm curious, 'What kind of conditions?'
Jasper thinks for a second, 'Like…I'm not going to play grab-ass in public with you.'
I'm dumbfounded, 'I don't expect you to!! I wasn't planning on that anyway…ass.'
'I'm just saying. I know I'm hot. I don't want you falling in love with me.' He's wags his eyebrows.
Now I'm just grossed out, 'Oh for fuck's sake, Jasper!! It's only for show. I'm not going to try to hump your leg or anything.'
'I don't know, Edward…we Hale twins are pretty irresistible.' chimes Rosalie, trying to hold back her giggles.
Alice squeals from the back, 'Let's make a list!'
'What kind of list?' I ask apprehensively.
'Ground rules, of course. You have to know each other's limits?'
Jasper and I glance at one another, eyebrows raised. Both of us totally confused.
Alice sighs, 'Like…I'm sure neither one of you is going to be wearing any make up, right?'
Yup…we're still confused.
She goes on, 'I'm sure neither of you are willing to go so far as to kiss each other.'
At that, we both look at her with our noses crinkled in disgust.
'Which one of you will be the butch and which one's the bitch?', she asks.
Now we see where she's going with this.
Rosalie laughs, 'Oh Jasper's definitely the bitch!'
'Fuck you, Rose!' Jasper snaps at her.
'Sorry, babe, but I think she's right!' Alice admits.
'Oh, Mary Alice, not you too!' Jasper sounds defeated.
I decide to put him out of his misery, 'It's cool guys, I'll be the bitch. Jasper is being good enough to do this for me, it's the least I can do.'
Jasper instantly relaxes, 'Why thank you, lover.'
I blow him a kiss, 'Anytime, muffin.'
'Holy shit, you guys are almost convincing.' Rosalie laughs.
'We'll need to go shopping!' Alice says excitedly.
And with that comment, straight Edward and Jasper are back. 'What the fuck for?' we whine.
Alice gives us a look as if the answer's obvious, 'Because if you want to successfully fool people, you'll both need to dress better.'
I don't trust her, 'Oh I call bullshit on that! There's nothing wrong with the way we dress. You just want an excuse to shop.'
She looks to Rosalie, 'Back me up, please?'
Rosalie nods, 'She's right. Not that you guys dress badly, it's just that you don't dress well enough to pull off gay.'
'Okay, whatever.' I shrug.
Alice squeals and claps her hands. She does love shopping.
I try to get us back on track. 'So...what else?'
'Hand holding?' Rosalie offers.
I look at Jasper and shrug, 'I'm game if you are, man.'
He debates for a few seconds, 'I'll allow it. What about dates?'
'What about dates?' I ask.
'Well...we should be seen together outside of school, right? We can't just hope being 'together" during the daytime hours will be enough to keep people convinced.'
I give it some thought, 'I guess you're right. Let's make it appoint to be seen together outside of school at least twice a week. And of course we'll be seen while we're shopping for our bitching new clothes.'
Alice squeals again.
'Oh and you'll be buying all of my clothes.' Jasper says quickly.
I start to argue, but I realize it's only fair.
'Oh, Edward...' Rosalie sounds worried, '...no football.'
My jaw drops and my head whips around, 'Why the hell not?'
'Because if you and Jasper are able to pull this off, everyone will know you're of the limp-wristed persuasion. They aren't going to send you out on a field to get beat down, or allow you into a locker room with a bunch of sweaty young men. Mmmmm…sweaty young men.'
I know she's right, but that doesn't stop me from being majorly disappointed.
'Pet names?' Jasper asks, bringing me out of my funk.
I start grinning, 'What'd you have in mind?'
'Pookie?' Jasper offers.
'Stud?' Alice adds.
Rosalie chips in, 'Daddy?'
What have I started? 'Um...yes...yes...hell NO!!'
There's a few moments of silence and then we all start laughing hysterically. It takes a good fifteen minutes before we're able to pull ourselves together.
Always the one to bring us back to reality, Jasper says, 'So we're really doing this?'
I nod, 'Yeah man...yeah we are.'
As we pull into our new driveway, he wonders aloud, 'Which one of us is going to tell Mom and Carlisle?'
'NOT IT!' Rosalie, Jasper and Alice yell all at once.
'Ugh...' I groan, 'you guys fucking suck.'
'YOU'RE GOING TO DO WHAT?!?!' my father shouts.
'I'm going to pretend I'm gay in the hopes that girls won't throw themselves at me.' I explain calmly...again.
His brow furrows in confusion, 'I don't understand.'
I try again, 'Well...ever since I turned thirteen the girls haven't left me alone. At first it was kind of cool, but it's gotten old. I just don't want to be bothered anymore.'
Dad takes a huge gulp of his wine. I can tell he's trying to process this information.
We're all sitting in the new dining room, waiting for Alice to come down, so we can start dinner. I figured now was a good time to drop the bomb.
Esme finally speaks up, 'Edward, sweetie, what will you do if the boys start throwing themselves at you? Surely the girls would be better than the boys.'
'YES!' my father practically screams! 'Good point, hon!'
Jasper clears his throat and all heads turn to him, 'I'm going to be his fake boyfriend.'
Esme spits out her wine, 'WHAT?!'
'Mom...he needs me. Really he does. Girls these days are shameless. No offense, Rose.'
'None taken.' Rosalie smirks at him. She's fully aware of how shameless girls can be.
Esme tries again, 'Well couldn't Rosie be your pretend girlfriend?'
There's a moment of silence as Rosalie and I look at one another.
I answer for the both of us, 'We did that in San Diego. It kind of worked, until she dumped me. I didn't really want to go through that again. Besides, it's not fair to make her sacrifice her senior year. Jasper already has Alice, so it's not like he's going to break up with me.'
Dad sighs, 'Well how does Alice feel about this?'
'Why thank you, Daddy! It's about time someone took MY feelings into account!!'
All of us, with the exception of Jasper, gasp collectively as Alice bounces into the room. Her hair, which was the same color as mine not two hours ago, is now jet black.
'What the hell is going on in this house?! Alice, what have you done to your hair?!' Dad is about to reach his breaking point.
'I dyed it, Daddy!' Alice responds brightly and smiles.
Dad tries to remain calm, 'Yes, darling, I see that. Why?'
'Well I figured if Jasper and Edward are going to be boyfriends, then I could reinvent myself too! I've wanted to dye my hair for a while now, actually. This seemed to be the perfect time!'
I think Dad is catatonic; Esme speaks for him, 'Sweetheart...why now? And why black?'
Alice smiles fondly at her, 'Well, it's the start of a new school year and none of these people know me. They don't know what I looked like this morning, so the fact that they'll see me for the first with this hair will be of no shock to anyone, except for you guys. And I'm over the copper hair. No offense, Edward.'
I smile at her, 'None taken, Al.'
Dad sighs, 'Don't you think it's a bit extreme Alice? The piercings and the tattoo and now the hair? What will people think?'
'Daddy, I don't really care what they think.' Alice answers honestly, 'I only care what you guys think. You all know who I am on the inside. That's what matters to me.'
He sighs again…knowing he's beat, 'Okay sweetie. If this is what you really want.'
She smiles at him, 'Of course it is! Now…about Edward and Jasper. Things will work out just fine. I'm starting to have a good feeling about this.'
Rosalie, sensing my dad still isn't sure, speaks up, 'You know, Carlisle, we didn't really HAVE to tell you about this. We all respect you enough to keep you informed. The last thing any of us wanted was this blind-siding you and mom.'
Esme reaches across the table to take his hand, 'Rosie has a point, darling. Kids don't seem to share anything with their parents these days. Think what the shock would've been if we had heard this from anyone else.'
I love my stepmother…I really do. Besides being breathtakingly beautiful, she loves my father so much. She's also an amazing mother.
Dad gives a half-smile and finally gives in, 'Okay. You're smart kids. Whatever you think is best.' He gives a pause and then asks me, 'What about football?'
I squirm in my seat a little, 'Well…we're not going to make our 'gayness' a secret, so I doubt I'll be able to play. I was thinking I'd focus more on my music?'
He looks disappointed, 'I see. You know how much I enjoy watching you play football.'
I hang my head, 'I know, Dad. Don't you know if there were any other way, I would've thought of it by now?'
Again…he sighs, 'Yes…I suppose you would have.'
I really don't know what else to say to make the situation any better. Lucky for me, Alice does...
'Oh really…it's not as if anyone has died. We're all the same; we're just going to be…acting for a while. Everything is going to work out, Daddy, I promise. Don't be grumpy. We can still go to all of the games. Edward just won't be playing this season, that's all. Now let's eat…I'm starving!!'
And just like that, the conversation was over. We move on to lighter topics and actually have an enjoyable first dinner on our new home.
Two hours later Alice is in my room, helping me pick out an outfit for our first day of school.
'Don't you have a fashionable scarf?' she asks, looking through my closet.
'I have my winter scarves!' I offer, trying to be helpful.
'Uh...no. We're going for Chuck Bass here, not Nanook of the north.' She's starting to get frustrated.
I hold my hands up in defense, 'Gheez psycho, it was only a suggestion. You've never mentioned having a problem with my wardrobe before.'
She smirks at me, 'Well that's when you were dressing like a regular boy, not a gay boy.'
I roll my eyes at her, 'Fine, fine. What should I wear, oh wise one?'
She combs through my wardrobe for another five minutes before pulling out a pair of jeans and a black, button-up shirt.
She hands the clothes to me, 'It's the best I can do. You have some good staples, but you need more things to tie them together. We're definitely going shopping tomorrow, whether you like it or not.'
I smile and pull her into a hug, 'Thank you so much, Al. You don't know how much I appreciate this.'
She hugs me back, 'Oh you're welcome. I'm happy to help. I meant what I said to Dad...I really do have a good feeling about this. I'm so excited for tomorrow!'
She gives me one final squeeze and goes to leave my room, 'Hey...' I call to her and she turns back to me, '...I really like your hair.'
She flashes me a brilliant smile, 'Yeah...it totally suits me.'
After Alice is gone I take a few hours to unpack some of my things. I have all of my CDs shelved and most of my books too, before I decide to call it a night. As I stare up at my new ceiling, I think about what tomorrow has in store for us.
Rosalie is going to fit right in...she'll probably have a boyfriend, or a least a date, before the week is out. Jasper will be the devoted boyfriend I need him to be. Alice will have a new best friend before the final bell rings. As for me...I'm going to enjoy a nice, drama-free year.