Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time

EXACT TIME: 2107 October 9, 12:30 PM

EXACT PLACE: Aperture Science Main Headquarters, Cleveland, Ohio, USA


A decaying office. Midday. One core was travelling- (berp berp berp) a grammar error detected. Fragment. Consider revising. "You suck. You suck yet again."

One core was travelling along the railroads installed on the ceiling of the facility. But, as the facility was going down (it wasn't used for seventy years) the ceiling the core was travelling on broke, and the core fell. It didn't know where in the facility it was, as there were no signs indicating sections' names. However, the core (which consisted of a big eye on a sphere) could see what the place consisted of.

It consisted of a glass panel and a so-called "portal frame" (the core remembered that from back in the 21st century). Inside the glass panel there was another portal frame and some sort of futuristic bed. In the bed the core saw a woman in a cyan jumpsuit sleeping.

Continuing its examinations of the room, the core saw a large button on the floor. On the ceiling above the button there was a tube that could develop a "storage cube" whenever it desired. Looking again, the core saw that the tube was on a timer that had two lines: one read "2107.10.09 12:30:00.000" and wasn't counting and another one read "2107.10.09 12:28:50.043" and was counting up. The core would have wondered what would happen when the timers' clocks matched but as it was a helper core, there was no time for this.

As the timer was counting down, the core noticed that the room above the broken ceiling had some sort of a sign. That sign read "…in Test Su..." The core was unable to read more because it could not move not on the rails. It decided that whatever that was, it was neither of interest to it nor to that sleeping woman.

Just as the core noticed a door, which, by the way, wasn't like any ordinary door, all of sudden, from nowhere, a masculine voice started talking:

Beginning Relaxation Vault Wake-Up Sequence in Three. Two. One.

"Wake-up? Relaxation Vault?" the core wondered before it noticed that the portal frame opened a portal.

Then the core noticed that the sleeping woman woke up. "That's it," the core thought, "I'll not stand much longer in this nightmarish facility with all the Relaxation Vaults and portal frames and…"

Welcome to the Year 2107. My name is Cave, and, as GLaDOS is shut down, you can freely explore the facility.

"Oh god, this continues more. Now I'll really escape- wait. I can't move. But I'll escape this nightmarish facility with all the Relaxation Vaults and portal frames opening and Caves and GLaDOSes and…" and the core noticed the woman was staring at it curiously.

"Okay", the core said. "Then I'll make a deal. You pick up me and carry me along your path, and I'll help you escape this nightmarish facility."

"But I don't know you," the woman said. "You know, let's introduce ourselves. My name is Chell."

"Okay… Chell." The core was (berp berp berp) a grammar error detected. Fragment. Consider revising. "You suck. I want to shut you down. That should mark a period."

The core was scared. "My name is Wheatley. Now let's escape the facility…"

"For God's sake, stop calling it a facility. It has a name - Aperture Science Main Headquarters."

"And… do you like it?"

"Unfortunately, yes. In fact, this has been so much of a home to me that I gave names to every section of the headquarters. Ths area, for example," Chell pointed at the broken ceiling, "is the Main Test Subject Section, but I just call it…"

"Okay, enough. Better tell me who's Cave."

"Cave? He was my grand- (berp berp berp) a grammar error detected. Fragment. Consider revising. "Oh come on. Just shut down."

Shutting down the Aperture Science Main Headquarters in Three. Two. One.

Everything went black. Only the sun could be seen reflecting from a mirror surface of the broken ceiling sign. Even Wheatley was shut down.

Chell! Chell! It's Cave!

Everyone would think "what the heck?"

That grammar check really is a fail! Now GLaDOS and Wheatley are dead! Everyone is dead here! Listen. You have to find a plug on the Main Test Subject Section. Unfortunately, it's just above you on the floor. But I think shooting the plug with a portal would be enough. First, try to find the portalgun and… what the heck? (pause) Oh shi. Just a Japanese "shi".

An unknown nature force affected Cave so much that he could not say a thing.

But Chell got the message and found the portal device she first used back in 2007. She shot a portal to the mirror surface of the sign, and particles hit the plug on the floor.

Everything was lit again, and the nature force was gone.

At least that stupid Word 2108 for Blinds: Grammar Check program is not running. You can be safe now; the headquarters won't shut down randomly anymore.

Chell and Wheatley were relieved. But only for a second.


As they were forging their way out of the headquarters, Wheatley asked:

From where do you know everything on the facility?"

„Portal: Stay Inside, dumbass!"