Want Need Desire
A/N: Okay, this is "different" from many of my stories. It does (and will) contain discussions and images of consensual spanking. If this isn't your cup of tea, please don't read! I don't want to offend anyone. But sometimes stories demand to be written and this is one of those. How could I deny my two favorite non-real boys anything? Really??? If you do read it, thanks. Let me know what you think.
"Jim," Spock said into the ear of his lover. They were collecting themselves after the latest round of fiery love-making, both still breathing heavier than they normally did.
"Yeah," Jim murmured, his face half buried in the pillow, his left arm flung over Spock's hotter-than-ever stomach. The beating of Spock's heart echoed against Jim's side, bringing additional comfort.
"What is it you want?" Spock asked quietly.
"What?" Jim said, not bothering to rouse himself enough to really consider the question.
"What do you want?"
Jim finally gathered the strength required to raise up on one elbow and look down at Spock. Their bond had been fully open while they were physically joined and had closed to a trickle as they recovered. Jim could feel Spock's thoughts searching for something, trying to find the answer. "I have what I want," Jim responded, kissing Spock's mouth in proof.
"I do not doubt that you love me. Nor do I doubt that you are sexually satisfied." Spock paused, watching Jim for any reaction. When there was none, Spock continued, his hand stroking the strong muscular back of his lover. "There is some desire which you have never voiced. An unfulfilled need which leaves you not completely satisfied."
Jim glanced quickly away from Spock, laying his head down on the chest beneath him. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"It is not possible nor necessary for you to lie to me, t'hy'la. I am aware of the space that is left empty. I wish to know what I can do to fill that void," Spock said in a warm voice. There was no accusation in his tone, only coaxing. He wasn't at all angry at Jim, although he was capable of it. Jim knew that his carefully controlled emotions were just that – carefully controlled, not nonexistent.
Jim lay still where he was, considering Spock's words. What would Spock think if he confessed, finally admitted to an itch that he could not scratch, didn't know if he wanted it scratched? "What do you think it is?" Jim finally asked softly.
"I do not know. You have been careful to hide its existence from me. If I did not believe it is preventing you from full completion, I would not ask."
"I'm complete, as long as I have you," Jim rushed to assure him, raising once more up on his elbow.
"Yes. As you are a part of me. Yet…." Spock let his voice trail off, waiting to see if Jim would fill in the blank he had left for him.
"I… uhm… it's kind of hard to explain," Jim said, feeling the color rise in his cheeks.
"I had assumed as much, as you are so clearly reluctant to share it with me," Spock said patiently.
"It's just that… sometimes… not all the time… but sometimes… I want to be… uhm… well… that is…"
"Just say it, Jim," Spock said, his voice with a harder edge to it.
"I want to be spanked," Jim finally confessed softly, hiding his face in Spock's neck.
"That is all?" Spock asked warmly.
"All?" Jim repeated in surprise, lifting his head to look at Spock. "I'm a fucking starship Captain. What makes it okay to want to be punished like a small child?"
"It is about being punished and comforted and giving away control," Spock assured him gently.
"How the hell do you know that?" Jim demanded.
"It is not unheard of, love."
"Have you witnessed it?"
"I have not. Nor have I participated in it. I have read the classified files on the behavior of those in positions of command. It is not unusual for each person to find his own level of comfort and release. You have also read them. You know of the unusual behaviors in which some captains engage. That you wish to receive corporal punishment is not a concern to me."
"It sure as hell is a concern to me," Jim stated. "It's weird bordering on… sick. I can't believe we're even discussing it."
"If you wished to inflict that sort of punishment on your crew, that would be deviant. Wishing to receive that sort of treatment is not."
"Are you sure?" Jim asked, still skeptical although he would never doubt his t'hy'la's facts. It just didn't make a lot of sense to Jim, and he couldn't quite understand why Spock was being so calm about it. He felt like he was about to freak out, and Spock could be talking about warp core variables. "I mean… what if the crew found out? What if Bones found out? I could lose my command."
"Are you considering it?" Spock asked. He was studying his t'hy'la to try and determine if these questions represented a possible acceptance of his barely acknowledged need.
"I don't know," Jim admitted. "It's… a big step. And how would you feel about it? You abhor all violence. Could you do it for me… to me?"
"I do not know," Spock responded honestly.
"Then why are we even discussing it?" Jim asked, laying his head back on Spock's chest, the matter closed as far as he was concerned.
"We are discussing it because we need to do so. And if we do choose to actively pursue this activity, we will need to inform Dr. McCoy."
"Why?" Jim asked in his half-asleep state.
"So he will be prepared. I doubt he will be surprised," Spock assured him.
"'Kay," Jim said, his eyes fluttering closed. "'ll talk 'bout it 'morrow."
"Yes we will," Spock agreed, kissing Jim's head and feeling him fall completely asleep on top of him.
"Spock," Jim said the next morning when he woke alone in their bed.
"Jim," Spock replied, rounding the divider to sit on the edge of the bed to look down at his very sleepy bondmate.
"What time is it?" Jim asked, trying to get his eyes to stay open.
"0740," Spock said, caressing his ruffled hair. "Go back to sleep, love."
Ordinarily, Jim was wide awake by that hour of the day. But he had learned to sleep when afforded the opportunity, especially his day off when they were not in a dangerous area. Jim shook his head into his pillow, raising up just a little. "I don't want to waste our day off."
"It will not be wasted if you sleep for another hour," Spock pointed out.
"Then I won't have the time to spend with you," Jim said with a slow smile curving his mouth.
"I see," Spock said in indulgent humor. "Are you hungry?"
"Yeah. But I don't want to eat just yet. I want to…talk about last night. And the conversation we had," Jim said, his blue eyes looking steadily at Spock.
"Of course," Spock agreed. "I do not know that you could have actually considered it any further, however. As you only just woke."
Jim shrugged one shoulder at that. "Like you guessed, it's not like I haven't thought about it. I don't like admitting it to myself, much less to you."
"Admitting to your secret?" Spock asked in clarification.
"Yeah. If I decided that's what I really want, they'll have to be some ground rules."
"Naturally," Spock agreed.
"And have you decided you can do it? You can punish me?" Jim asked firmly, refusing to back down from the idea now that it was in the open.
"I believe that I can," Spock decided. "It will cause you pain but not so much that you will suffer injury. I can block your sensations."
Jim nodded at that, sitting up on their bed, his legs crossed in front of him, the light sheet over his lap in order to prevent either of them from being too distracted. Spock was dressed in his leisure clothes, a black shirt over soft draw-string pants. "What will Bones say?"
"To be careful. He will not be surprised."
Jim nodded again, looking down at the bed. "You're sure you don't think I'm sick for wanting this?"
Spock gently lifted Jim's chin, looking steadily into those worried blue eyes. "I do not. I understand. Why did you continually start fights in drinking establishments?"
"I didn't always start them," Jim denied.
Spock raised one eyebrow. "But you joined them once they did start."
"Yeah," Jim had to admit.
"Why, t'hy'la? Why intentionally put yourself in a position where you would most likely be injured?"
"For the pain," Jim acknowledged. "It was sometimes the only thing that made me feel alive. And as much as I hate doctors, at least they are nice to you when you're injured."
"Exactly. You were cared for and comforted. Protected. And the pain would be at an end. You had gotten your adrenaline rush and were ready to come down from it."
Jim nodded in reluctant agreement. "I guess Bones knew. Knows."
"Undoubtedly. He continues to be extremely protective of you. In a way you will accept only from him."
"That's true. But I don't want him to .. you know."
"You must say it, Jim," Spock coaxed.
"Admit it? Use the word?" Jim asked.
"I don't want him to spank me. I want you to," Jim said, looking at Spock in the eye. He felt a tiny glow of pride when Spock nodded in approval. "Ground rules?"
"Yes," Spock said, thoughtfully silent for a few minutes. "It can only be a day when we are off-duty."
"Definitely. There are days I have enough trouble sitting down already," Jim said with a pleased smirk.
"As I am aware," Spock agreed, trying to sound disapproving but failing miserably. "I will decide on the times at which the punishment will be given, as well as the duration of each session."
"What if I can't take it all?" Jim asked, needing to know all of the rules before he committed.
"There will be a safeword. If it becomes unbearable to you, you will alert me."
"Okay," Jim agreed.
"The first few times, Dr. McCoy will come immediately afterwards. This is for the mental and physical well being of not just you but all of us."
"You'll tell him first, right?" Jim asked to make sure.
"We will discuss it together. All of us," Spock said.
Jim had to nod at that. "What if I want it when you aren't planning for it?"
"You will be allowed to request it from me. I will decide whether or not to provide you the punishment."
"Okay," Jim said.
"When we are engaged in the activity, you will be obedient to me. This will not in any way effect the command structure. I will require your acquiescence only during the time you are submitting to me."
"Submitting to you," Jim said, tasting the words.
"That is what we are discussing, t'hy'la. It is not simply about corporal punishment. It is about relinquishing control."
"Is that what I want?" Jim asked, staring at Spock as though he held the answers.
"Yes. If it is not, this conversation is concluded."
"Submission," Jim said, as much in agreement as acknowledgment. Spock nodded again in approval.
"More likely than not, love," Jim said, feeling the color rise again in his cheeks, "when you spank me, I'll be aroused by it."
"As you are by the idea of it," Spock said with warmth, glancing down at Jim's semi-erect cock.
"Uh huh. Will you do something about it when it happens?"
"Generally. If you deserve it," Spock said, leaning closer to kiss him gently, softening the words.
"So it will be like that?"
"Yes it will. Do you have reservations about these rules?"
"I don't think so," Jim said. "I guess we'll only know if it works once we've tried it."
"Agreed. Do you wish for me to ask Dr. McCoy to come to our quarters to discuss it?"
Jim inhaled sharply at the words, his eyes wide. "Right now?"
"Now. Or not at all," Spock said firmly, testing the waters to see if Jim intended to stay in them or wade to the shore.
"Now," Jim agreed, watching Spock go to the intercom and ask Dr. McCoy if he had the time to stop by. No urgency. McCoy confirmed he was unoccupied and would be there shortly. Jim smiled in delight when Spock returned to the bed with a steaming cup of coffee. "Thank you, t'hy'la."
"So you will be fully awake when the doctor arrives," Spock teased.
"Mmm…." Jim said, handing the cup back to Spock. "I need to pee. And put on some pajamas."
Spock nodded, enjoying the chance to watch as Jim climbed off of the bed, crossing slowly to the bathroom so that Spock was afforded ample opportunity to enjoy the view. When he emerged, he accepted the soft pants and light tee shirt to put them on, sitting on the love seat next to Spock.
He sipped the delicious coffee as they waited for Bones. Jim was much less nervous than he thought he ought to be but maybe that came from knowing what he wanted and finally having the courage to say it. He should have known Spock would know, or figure it out.
"Do you know how much I love you?" Jim asked into the comfortable silence.
"I have some idea," Spock teased, kissing his head. "Approximately the same as I love you."
"Approximately?" Jim laughed.
Spock shrugged one shoulder at that, inviting the doctor to enter when he sounded the chime.
"What's up?" Bones asked as he entered their living area, sitting in one of the comfortable chairs.
"Would you care for a cup of coffee, Leonard?" Spock asked.
"Sure. If Jim can spare it," Bones laughed.
"For you," Jim agreed with a smile.
Spock soon brought the doctor his coffee, sitting again next to Jim. "Jim and I have talked about an unfulfilled desire on his part."
Bones nodded at that, eyeing them speculatively. "Okay."
"Jim wishes for me to administer corporal punishment," Spock said smoothly.
"He wants you to spank him," Bones repeated in agreement.
"You aren't surprised?" Jim asked, surprised by Bones' lack of it.
"No. Better than you going to bars to have the hell beaten out of you," Bones said.
"I'm not that bad," Jim protested.
"Not any longer, t'hy'la," Spock assured him, kissing his head.
"There was a time," Bones reminded Jim, sipping from his cup.
Jim could only shrug at that. "So you don't think I'm weird for wanting Spock to spank me?"
"Not in the least," Bones assured him. "I know you'll be careful."
"And you will come after the first few times to check on him?" Spock requested.
"Certainly. I doubt it will be necessary but I'll come. You have rules?"
"We do," Spock agreed. He listed them fairly succinctly, Bones nodding.
"Alright. Don't let it leech over into everyday. That is my sole reservation," Bones said.
"We will be vigilante. Jim will not allow it," Spock reminded him.
"You're awfully quiet, Jim. You sure this is what you want?" Bones asked gently.
"I'm sure. I'm just really embarrassed," Jim admitted.
"It's an odd request, I grant you. But again, safer than bar brawls. And not so unusual for someone in your position."
"Are you sure?" Jim asked, needing the additional reassurance.
"Absolutely. Everyone needs a release valve, kid. This is yours. And you get to feel the pain you secretly want but deny you do," McCoy said.
"That's weird too, though. Wanting Spock to hurt me."
"Not really. It's temporary and when it's over, it's over. Spock will comfort you and make it all better. That's what you really want," Bones said knowingly.
"Okay. So I need to stop worrying about wanting it," Jim said.
"Precisely. And if at any time you need me to come, you know I will. I won't interfere but if I have to referee, I will."
"Understood," Spock said with a nod. "Are you still hungry, t'hy'la?"
"Uh huh," Jim agreed, standing to stretch. "Have you eaten?" he asked Bones.
"No. You going to the mess?"
"I'd rather stay here. Spock?" Jim asked with a smile.
"That is my preference as well," Spock agreed, gazing up at Jim in open admiration.
Jim nodded, going to his replicator for three breakfasts, the usual for them each.
End note: Yes, I'm starting it slowly. I want to make sure you still want to read it. Next chapter - it will start. Hope to hear from you!