Title: The Conundrum of Kiss-a-grams

Summary: The Doctor is rather inquisitive about what Amy's old job entailed...

Rating: PG

"What exactly is a kiss-a-gram?" Amy almost choked on the tea in her mouth as the Doctor suddenly asked his question. The nineteenth century ladies taking tea at the table beside them turned their noses up at the girl as she spat a mouthful of tea back in her cup. The Doctor looked entirely innocent as he flashed a broad smile at the women.

"What? Why would you ask that?" She growled at him as she tried to mop up the spilt tea on table with the dress she was wearing. The Doctor rolled his eyes. Only Amelia Pond would wipe up tea with a three hundred year old fine silk dress. He shrugged as he realised she was still waiting for an answer.

"Never got around to asking before." They'd been travelling together for a few weeks. Their trips had been none stop adventure and danger. Amy was thriving on it. Afternoon tea in Victorian England however, was hardly her idea of seeing the universe. "So, what is a kiss-a-gram?" His eyes were wide and innocent. He looked little more than an inquisitive child.

"Alright." she sighed. Already she had learnt that once the Doctor got something in his mind he was unlikely to let it go. Dropping her voice a little she replied, " A kiss-a-gram is a...well it's a sort of entertainment. I dress...used to dress up in a costume-"
"Like a police officer." The Doctor interrupted, a mischievous twinkle in his eye as Amy's cheeks began to colour.

"Yes, like a policewoman, or a nurse or a nun...and someone pays for me to put on a show, like try and arrest someone, then I'd do a dance for them and give them a kiss." Amy rushed her explanation, aware the nearby women were listening in. Her companion looked perplexed as he took in her words.

"Why would someone pay you to try and arrest them-"

"They don't." Amy snapped impatiently. "Their friends would hire me for their birthdays or stag nights, stuff like that. It was good money and easy work-"

"People paid you?" The Doctor mused. "You handcuffed me for free." He laughed as Amy began choking on a scone. His laughter soon died as he realised her lips were going blue. The women on the table beside them began shouting for a doctor.
"I'm the Doctor!" Jumping to his feet he pulled Amy out of her chair and wrapped his arms around her waist. A quick dose of the old hiemlich manoeuvre and the offending scone went flying out. It landed on one of the women's hats. She started screaming again as the Doctor failed to hold in a snort of laughter. "Time to go I think."

Amy was still coughing and spluttering as they reached the TARDIS. "Never take me for tea again!" She rubbed her throat as she tried to catch her breath.

"No problem. I just like to have a tea party on my birthday." The Doctor smiled, though it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Where do you want to go next then?"

Realisation dawned on Amy like a grand piano falling on her head. "I'm a little tired to be honest. I'm going to have a lie down."

"Ok." The Doctor shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked on the balls of his feet. "'I'm sure I can keep myself out of trouble." Amy seriously doubted that, but left him to his own devices anyway. Surely he could survive an hour on his own?

The Doctor lost track of time as he tinkered with the TARDIS, familiarising himself with the new layout. He ran a hand through his unruly hair as it once again flopped in to his face. Checking his watch he found he'd spent over three hours fiddling with the main console. He stretched his tired limbs. They felt stiff and unused from spending so long under the console. As he stretched his arms behind his back he heard a metallic snap and felt smooth cold restraints around his wrists. "You've been very naughty Doctor." Both of his hearts thudded violently against his chest as Amy's voice tickled against his ear. She spun him around to face her and his mouth fell open. Amy Pond stood before him, dressed up in a familiar costume.

Long lean legs were covered by fishnet tights and a tiny black skirt that barely covered her thighs. She wore a police vest over a low cut white shirt, unbuttoned down to her chest. She pulled off her hat with smirk, watching the Doctor's reaction as her auburn curls spilled out, framing her pale face and ruby red lips. "Wowza." He croaked from lips that were far too dry. Her grin turned smug as he hungrily took in the sight of her.

"You've been a very bad boy Doctor." Her usual act would have involved a teasing dance, but she skipped that part and closed the small distance between them. Gripping fistfuls of tweed jacket she crushed their lips together. The Doctor finally understood why it was called a kiss-a-gram was. Normally the kiss would be a quick peck, or a brief snog if the guy was fit, but the Doctor was completely different. She kissed him with a passion that left even herself breathless. Weeks of pent up tension flowed through her lips, as though the Doctor was draining everything from inside of her. Taking away all of the loneliness of her childhood, the sadness of being left behind, and the terror of his threats to take her back home. "Wowza." He repeated again as she pulled away. Her fingers still grasped his jacket tightly, holding him in place as she tried to catch her breath.

She tried to open her mouth to say something, but the words would not come out. "You have a thing about handcuffs." The Doctor grinned as Amy blushed. She quickly undid the left cuff. The Doctor didn't wait for her to undo the right one. He instantly began pushing buttons and pulling levers. Amy was still speechless. She had intended the kiss to be quick and brief, not quite so...intense. "Just out of interest, what was that for? Not that I'm complaining."

"Your birthday." Amy finally found her voice. She'd felt bad about tearing the Doctor away from his birthday day party and had decided to give him a demonstration of exactly what a kiss-a-gram was.

"Hmm. That's nice. Early, but nice." His eyes twinkled with mischief before he gave his full attention back to the TARDIS. Early?

"Wait? What? What do you mean early? You said it was your birthday!"

"Actually." The Doctor put down the sonic screwdriver and turned to face her again, leaning both hands behind him on the console. "I said I like having tea parties on my birthday." As a smug smirk plastered over his lips Amy had a sudden urge to slap it off his face. "Not my fault you made a presumption."

Amy's face was red with anger as she folded her arms over her chest. "You conniving, little- you made me kiss you!"

"I didn't make you do anything!" The Doctor held his hands up in mock defeat, still grinning like a school boy. "How about we just say I owe you one?" He winked at her, which only served to send Amy over the edge. She was sick of his pompous arrogance. She hadn't performed her act since the day he came back, twelve years and five minutes later than he said he would be, putting on a costume had not been easy for her. Her old life was exactly that. Old. Her job, the psychiatrists, her aunt...Rory; they were all part of the past. She didn't want the past any more. She just wanted the Doctor. Her raggedy Doctor.

Putting on a sickly sweet smile she closed the distance between them, placing one hand on his chest and another beside his left hand. "I'd say we're even." For the second time that afternoon the Doctor heard the metallic click off cuffs snapping shut. His smug grin still sat perched on his lips.

"Actuaaallly." The Doctor held up his right hand and Amy's left hand shot up along with it. "We're not quite even." Amy's eyes widened in horror as she realised he had somehow got the cuff off his right wrist and placed it on her wrist while she snapped the other in place on his left wrist.

"Doctor!" She growled in frustration, unhappy at how he had turned her revenge against her.

"That's me." He continued to grin as he jerked his hand forward, bringing Amy with it. "Now, I think I owe you something." He crushed their lips together in a kiss that rivalled their earlier one. His lips were soft yet demanding, new yet experienced. Amy felt herself melting in to him and let out a groan as he pulled away.

"Even?" His voice was sweet and lazy, but his eyes were alive with excitement, daring her to challenge him. She accepted his challenge, as she always would. Taking the key out of her shirt pocket she stared him in the eye as she tossed it across the TARDIS. "Not quite."