Disclaimer: How about instead of telling you when I don't own Naruto; I just pop a message up here when I do? No? Ok I don't own Naruto.
Message from Beta: I have concocted this gay-loving straight boy. Yes, you may worship me, and yes, you may send your straight friends to me for conversion.
Right so this is my first attempt at crack, very much different to my other stuff which is all more serious. Go easy with me on this one, trying out some different styles.
"See you soon Shikamaru!" Naruto shouted cheerfully at his friend as he unlocked the door to his apartment. Waving, Shikamaru disappeared around the corner.
What a night! Chucking his coat onto the chair, Naruto headed for the kitchen. He was hungry, because as always the night had taken a lot out of him. For the first time in months they had all got together, but reluctantly they had decided not to get too drunk, as most of them had work tomorrow.
Everyone had had a great time except, of course, for Sasuke - the son of the local police chief. He'd been even grumpier and moodier than usual, giving Naruto dirty looks all night.
"Ungrateful bastard," Naruto muttered as he flicked the kettle on. He fancied some noodles before he hit the sack. Tonight took a lot of arranging! Since they had all left college, everyone had different schedules. Some work, some University. All in all it was almost impossible to pin everyone down.
Naruto pushed the thought from his mind. He wouldn't let Sasuke's unhappiness ruin it for him - he did hate seeing him like that, though. Should I have gone after him? Sasuke had left early, telling nobody why, much to the disappointment of Sakura and Ino.
He shook his head, returning his attention to the noodles. Yum yum yum, the perfect end to the perfect night! he thought.
He turned, heading though the door for the television in his living room.
Sasuke stood there, staring at him intently.
Naruto jumped. His bowl fell gracelessly to the floor, noodles going everywhere.
"What the fuck are you doing?!" Naruto shouted angrily. My noodles!
Sasuke said nothing. He just looked at Naruto. His eyes bore into him, and Naruto found himself captivated by his gaze. He wanted to look away but he couldn't.
"Is-is there something wrong, Sasuke?" he whispered, still unable to look away. "You weren't yourself tonight". Still Sasuke stood there, stock still.
What's that look in his eye?
"Are you ill?" Naruto continued, beginning to feel scared. "Or do you-"
He didn't finish.
Sasuke charged towards him, clearing the space between them quickly and gracefully. Suddenly Naruto felt himself pinned against a wall, his arms held to either side of his head.
Is he going to hurt me?! He's snuck into my room to beat me up!
Sasuke's body pressed against him.
"Sasuke stop! I- what did I do?"
Then it hit him. Hard.
The way there bodies touched. It wasn't anger.
Naruto caught his eyes again, their faces so close they were almost touching. Naruto felt something, something so deep in his heart that it hurt.
Slowly, their faces inched closer.
"Sasuke," Naruto breathed.
As if this was the chance he'd been waiting for, Sasuke pressed into him, and their lips met. They became one.
His hands were everywhere, exploring every part of his body. It felt so right.
Sasuke's lips moved with grace over his face, then began to make their way to his neck.
"Sasuke!" Naruto whispered again.
He broke away. Grabbing Naruto by the wrists he threw him down on the sofa a few metres behind him, and Naruto had never wanted something so badly in his life.
Suddenly Sasuke was on top of him again, and slowly he began to pull Naruto's shirt up, exposing his chest.
Then he began to kiss him again, starting at the midriff and working his way up till he was at his neck again. Naruto let out a faint moan.
"Where do you keep them?" Sasuke whispered. Naruto was taken back. The moment ruined slightly, he jerked his head away from Sasuke.
"Keep what?" he replied, confused. What's he playing at?
A look of frustration flashed over Sasuke's face. "Don't fuck around with me, you know what I mean," he hissed.
"I thought that's exactly what you wanted me to do! And no, I do not know what you mean!"
Sasuke flinched at the vulgarity of what he had just said. He hadn't thought of it like that. His face reddened slightly and he mumbled something, as if not wanting anybody to hear it.
"What?! Sasuke, speak up damn it!"
He said it again, the volume increased slightly.
"You want a bonbon?" Naruto gave him a funny look. "I hardly think this is the time fo-"
"Idiot!" Sasuke shouted, "Where do you keep the fucking condoms?!"
Now it was Naruto's turn to turn red. It made sense. He didn't want to get pregnant after all. Wait, what?
"Where you keep them?" Sasuke insisted, more confidently now they both know what they were talking about.
"Well I- they -"
A wry smile crossed Sasuke's face. "You do have some don't you?"
Naruto sat up. "Of course I do!" he declared angrily. Of course I don't!
"Wait here!" Naruto yelled, jumping to his feet and running back through the door to the kitchen. Closing the door, he pressed himself against it, breathing a panicked sigh.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit!
What do I do?! I can't let him know I've never... with a women let alone a man!
He cast his eyes around the kitchen, desperately searching in case one was to materialise at any given second. He frantically started searching the cupboards, although he had no idea why.
I know! he thought excitedly. Maybe I can make one!
After considering and trying a few different methods for making a makeshift condom (including tin foil, a tin can and arguably least successfully a pineapple) he gave up.
He knew what he had to do.
Quickly he returned to the living room. Flustered, he stopped himself too abruptly.
"Oh, er, I've got LOADS here, practically spilling out of my cupboards." He scratched his head, laughing. "Extra large do you right?" Laughing nervously again, he noticed the wry look return to Sasuke's face.
"I, er... think I'll get some candles going, set up a mood, you know?" He returned to the kitchen. Shit, he couldn't use the front door, it would be too obvious.
The window! Of course!
Opening the window, he clambered through, before remembering.
He lived in a flat.
On the top floor.
He gulped, swallowing back his fear. It was worth it. His pride was worth it. Sasuke was worth it.
He kept telling himself that as he edged along the small ledge that ran the circumference of the building, past the windows belonging to his flat until he reached the balcony of the house next door. He didn't know the people who lived there, but desperate times called for desperate measures.
Knocking on the French window he hopped impatiently from foot to foot; it was cold out. After a few moments the door was yanked open.
"Here pussy pussy pussy," came the enticing call from within, and with it came a scantily dressed women. Wearing a very light fitting dress robe.
Naruto's jaw hit the concrete floor.
The woman's followed suit.
"PERVEEEEEEEEEERT!" she roared, following this with a barrage of blows aimed at Naruto's face. Naruto's heart sunk as he realised he hadn't put his top back on and his hair was still ruffled from Sasuke's loving.
Naruto realised there was only one thing to do, so he pushed past her and charged through her apartment, heading for the door.
"Stop! Pervert!" the cry followed him through the door as he charged down the hallway.
Taking the steps two at a time he ran for the exit. The pub across the road! They'd had their drinks there and they were bound to have a machine in the toilets. The blonde mess charged across the road, avoiding narrowly the blare of a car as it thundered by. I have to get back soon!
He opened the door. Thank god it hasn't closed!
Practically sprinting now, he charged through the bar to the toilets, passing a group of drunk men who sat laughing. They were too drunk to notice the young man charging past. Then he saw it, the machine: a glowing beacon, where therein lay the key to a very delicious lock.
He grabbed his wallet out of his jacket. No wait.
My wallet! My jacket! How could I have been so stupid?!!
He began to panic. Think Naruto! Think!
Of course! The people at the bar! Returning quickly, he approached the rowdy crowd.
"Excuse me!" he said politely to the man nearest him. His voice went unnoticed amongst the raucous laughter.
"Excuse me!" he said again, a little louder than before. Whether they couldn't hear him, or whether they just weren't interested, was unknown to Naruto. He decided to appeal their masculine side.
"I need to borrow a dollar for the Condon machine!" he shouted at the top of his voice.
It was bound to happen. At the exact second he shouted his request, the whole bar fell silent, for no reason other than a poorly timed lull in the conversation for Naruto. He got their attention alright, and as a united body they turned to face him, topless and conciderably scrawnier than the burly men assembled. They looked him up and down.
And roared with laughter.
Naruto stood there, fuming and embarrassed. After what seemed like an eternity they stopped, and wiping a tear from his eye, the man nearest Naruto turned to him.
"Of course we will!" he said, grinning. Naruto's heart lurched.
"...If you sing for us."
And sank. These bastards!
With little other choice, Naruto imagined exactly how he would kill this man given the opportunity.
"What do you think lads?" the man said, turning to his friends. "What do you want to hear?
"Milkshake!" One of them roared, and this was followed by a chorus of cheered agreements and pint glasses being slammed on tables. They turned to him, beaming.
"I- well" Naruto began. His face redden with anger. Think of Sasuke! Do it for Sasuke!
He grinned, launching himself onto the table.
"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard! In their eyes, it's better than yours, damn right, it's better than yours..."
Naruto got too into it. He always did.
It started off with a few pelvic thrusts for emphasis, turned into dancing, and ended in Naruto enjoying it far too much.
Three songs and two encores later, Naruto bowed dramatically. The men cheered, laughing along with him.
"What a guy!" their ringleader said with teary eyes. "Come on lads, fork out."
His four friends each dug a dollar from their pockets and handed it to Naruto. He was beaming when he suddenly remembered Sasuke, and it dropped from his face in horror.
Shit! He was bound to be getting suspicious!
Thanking his kind drunkards, he launched himself from the table heading towards the toilets.
"Go get her tiger!" came the laughter-filled shout from the table behind him.
This couldn't have worked out better! He had no idea what size Sasuke was - he could get one of each! Quickly he pushed the money into the slots, and the small packages fell out: bright pink, they were marvellous to behold to the now ecstatic Naruto.
Nearly there! He realised he had a few dollars left over. He could get another flavour, but which one? This trail of thought was rudely interrupted by a shout from the entrance of the toilets.
"Naruto you dog!"
Turning, Naruto saw two of his friends standing in the doorway grinning. Kiba and Shikamaru. Kiba, who had shouted in the first place, walked up to him and slapped him on the shoulders.
"Wh-What are you doing here?" Naruto asked, the whole situation making him nervous. His whole body must be screaming 'I want to fuck Sasuke! I'm going to fuck Sasuke! Let me fuck Sasuke!'
He felt himself begin to sweat.
"Ah-ha! I lost my wallet, so Shikamaru said he'd help me find it and we thought we'd try here!" he laughed. "Look Shik - he's all nervous. And why the fuck don't you have a top on? That fast eh?"
Kiba slapped him on the shoulder again. "So who's the luckly lady? Anyone we know?"
"Ah - well you see..."
"Ah come on! Don't be shy, who'dya work your wily way with eh?"
"Come oooon, Ino? Sakura? you dog!" he repeated heartily.
"Why have you got so many different sizes?" Shikamaru asked, raising an eyebrow as he eyed the collection Naruto held in his hand.
"Oh, err - I -" He shoved them into his pocket.
"Haha, it's not like you've never seen your dick before eh Naruto?" Kiba laughed again. He had clearly stayed for a few more once everyone had gone.
"Come to think of it," Shikamaru paused, thinking about something. "Why was Sasuke in your flat? We called up there - wanted to see if you'd seen his wallet."
Shit! He must've thought it was me! Naruto didn't know what was worse, the situation he found himself in, or the fact Sasuke had known exactly what he did.
"Fuck no..." Kiba gaped, his tone sobering. He exchanged a glance with Skikamaru before turning back to the him. "Naruto, what the fuck is going on between you t-"
But he was gone, a blur of orange and yellow. Arriving outside, panting, Naruto tried to catch his breath.
I've got to get back!
He ran full pelt towards his apartment.
"Hold it right there." Naruto tore his eyes from the road he had been focusing on to see three hooded teens blocking his path. One of them brandished a small black gun.
"Give us what you've got."
Oh shit no! Not now! Not now!
Naruto made to move but had the gun jabbed in gut.
"Little faggot thinks we're fucking around?" he said to the men standing next to him.
Seriously? Do I have a sign on me saying I'm about to have sex with Sasuke?
The man swung the butt of the gun before he could react, catching Naruto on the eye. He felt it bruise as he hit the dirt hard.
"Give us what you've got!" they repeated, and Naruto knew they were being serious.
"L-look guys, I havn't got anything, seriously, all I'm wearing is these trousers, I mean... I have these condoms." He pulled them out, showing them he was being truthful. Naruto sat up. "Come on guys; let's be reasonable."
He saw a boot come flying to his face. His world sank into darkness.
When he slowly came around, his vision swam in and out of focus... and he could see his hand.
The condoms had gone.
"Why me?!" Naruto screamed to the heavens. At that exact moment, Naruto heard the whine of a police siren.
Aaah, phew. That'll be the police with my condoms.
Naruto got up, waving his hands at the approaching officer. "Thank god you're here, I've just been mug-"
"This is him," he was interrupted. "Matches the description. Blond, no top, looks like a pervert."
"Cuff him, boys."
"Wait, what?! No, you're making a terrible mistake!"
The woman from the apartment?!
"No, see that was all just a misunderstanding! All I needed was a condom. It wasn't my fault she wasn't dressed, I just wanted to be safe."
He didn't' realise what that must've sounded like.
"You sick little shit!" the police sergeant spat, pushing him into the back of the car.
Why me?! He screamed internally.
The cell door slammed shut unceremoniously.
Naruto was fed up with all this by now. Could it get any worse? From start to finish this whole Sasuke escapade had been a farce.
His eyes welled with tears; even now he yearned for him to be here. He wanted it. No, he needed it. He remembered the way he had pressed against him, the look in his eyes, the way he had touched him.
He let out a chocking sob.
He probably thought that Naruto didn't want it.
That thought was too much. Great raking sobs shook his whole body. Through the tears, Naruto heard the cell door open.
"Tch. Cry baby."
Naruto glanced up in disbelief. There stood Uchiha Sasuke, son of the chief of police, and in his right hand hung a bright pink little packet, stained slightly with blood.
"How did you know my size?" he said, smiling, advancing on Naruto. The cell door clicked shut behind him. Only one thought ran through Naruto's head.
Yum yum yum, the perfect end to the perfect night!
(If you ignored the building-climbing, mugging and getting arrested bit.)