Inner The Deep
My name is Hatsumi Narita. And Everyone believes I am Happy. It's not easy. Pretending. But I have to because it is my choice. You see it was my choice to get married to someone like Ryoki Tachibana. I cannot say I did the wisest thing. Because I didn't. At the time. At...At that time I only thought about how I loved Ryoki so much.
But, why did I love him?
I never questioned it. I just said I can't help who my heart falls in love with. But...at the moment I just realized that no one has given me that much attention before as Ryoki did. I was so happy because I thought that meant Ryoki was interested in me.
I thought he thought that I was special. Or, I was special to him.
But that was not the truth. Ryoki never considered me special. Maybe, he did like me a little. Maybe he did get attracted to me enough to have sex with me and only me...but...in the end he still was an immature person who only cared about what he wanted.
I remembered my first time with him. I do not find it to be special anymore. He didn't tenderly tell me anything. He was being too fast and too rough and he was embarrassing me...telling me how he wanted to take off my panties and socks and only those...why, didn't he want to undress me fully sensuously or wildly?...I didn't wondered until today...was it because he already had felt my breasts before – because they are not so big as a side attraction? Because at the end of the day I was still petite and short. Not the regular sexy.
No, I was not the regular sexy. But I was the regular sexy. The classical stupid petite feminine who did everything her spouse wants her to do. It's obviously hadn't hit me before. But...Ryoki is Totally Like His Parents – Selfish and Manipulative!
I cannot totally blame him for these traits as he knew no better. But I have been with him – I had reached out to him – could he not change for my sake?
Well, I thought he would. After all – I wanted to think that I was special to the great Ryoki Tachibana – intelligent, handsome and obviously (as Akane recommended always) long-legged aesthetic. Wow, I just made an assessment.
Something Ryoki believes I cannot do.
Everyone would wonder why I am doing this now. I had lived with him since I was eighteen. We got married then. Now, I am twenty-four. We hadn't had any children yet because we were planning to do it in two more years. Sex has not dwindled. It happens frequently. But, I don't enjoy it any more. Ryoki doesn't give me chances to do other stuff. And sometimes it just seems that he is enjoying himself greatly while I had a plain old orgasm or got bored with the whole process.
At first, as I always did, I thought it was my fault. I thought I was possessed by something like as I have always been so meek and sky (some cultures and religions even suggest demonic intervention – which we can't make fun, after all, if I acted so stupidly then anything can be possible) but then again I tried to be more forthcoming and take initiatives to increase the sensuousness, the passion and the intensity.
Well, let's say it this way. Ryoki doesn't like me taking initiatives. In fact, if I tell him to do stuff to me he's so cocky it ruins the fun. If I touch him he wants me to make it analogous to the act of worshipping (I should have known – a person who proclaims themselves greater than God has serious issues) and if I slowly tug his hair...he pulls mine...harder and glares at me...or slaps my hand away...slaps my shoulder hard...or...slaps me in the face...coldly...stating how clumsy I am and how awfully stupid I am behaving even in something great as this...as punishment at times he doesn't even want to make me have it...he just says I can manage without me... at times he also gets too fast wanting to reach his and if I'm telling him I'm hurting he tells me it's go away. Some coercion would have been fine if after a while I agreed with it but he gets too rough. If I try the same techniques he says that I am acting and this is his job not mine.
I feel I can't talk to anyone about this. Who could I turn to? My Oni-chan is probably pissed at me for ditching him like dirt. Akane is still immature (I'm happy that she got Subaru to balance the relationship) and it's somewhat her fault I'm in this mess (if only she hadn't kept on telling me to listen to my heart – after all it was a confused heart), and I kept on lying to my parents telling them everything is OK. I mean they will just tell me if I divorce now then who will I marry. I will be a divorce throughout. But Ryoki is smart and good-looking. Re-marriage will be no problem for that guy. There are a lot of women out there like me that are stupidly believing that their guys will change after marriage. They will be nicer to them after marriage. But, it's not true.
It depends on what sort of guy you had in the first place that counts.
" Hey Hatsumi! Hatsumi!"
What does he want now I wonder.
" Hatsumi! Hatsumi!"
" I'm here Ryoki!"
He take one good look at me and pushes me "Baka! I've been calling you like for ages!"
" Huh, but haven't you just gotten home?"
He pushed me again...harder... " Idiot! I have been calling your cell for all this time! Why haven't you picked up!"
" Ryoki...I was sleeping...I probably didn't hear it..."
" Sleeping, now in this hour?"
" I fell asleep in the afternoon and well wasn't feeling that well."
" Why – what's wrong with you?"
He for once looked genuinely concerned.
" Oh...I just had a headache."
" Oh, is it gone now?"
" Well, kind of."
" Well that's ok then isn't it?"
" Yes, it is, I suppose."
" Did you make dinner?"
" No. I'm sorry I trailed of so I couldn't."
He pushed me again and it was harder than the last – I hurt my back for I was caught unawares and somewhat hit a wall – not so hard to hurt my body.
But it hurt my heart.
" Why haven't you done anything?"
" I told you Ryoki – I wasn't feeling well..."
" But you just said you were fine!"
" I am feeling a bit better now but I wasn't before..."
" God, You Are So Useless Hatsumi You Should Be Happy You Have An Understanding Husband Like Me!"
If This Was Understanding – I Do Not Want to See Miscommunication – Oh, Yes, I Did – He Slapped me in Public.
" We could order from outside Ryoki. Only for tonight. I do cook for you other times."
" Like you are doing me a favour?" he snarled, " Don't forget who brings the paycheque home ok – it;'s me. Your job as a lousy secretary for the editor of some print company doesn't count."
" Please Ryoki don't say that..."
I felt tears near my eyes. Those tears who were my bedfellows. Those evidences that I have gotten hurt. So hurt. That I could cry for aeons and aeons but no one would know.
These tears belonged to another Universe.
" What should I say about your lazy ass anyway?!"
" Ryoki – I'm sorry – please stop screaming."
" You better be sorry you ass and don't tell me to stop anything!"
Suddenly, a pair of hands clamped around my collar and was dangerously holding my throat firm as well. I grabbed his hands in defence. I was scared. Why did he always become so violent?
"You listen to me Hatsumi we are gonna eat outside 'cause I wanted it! And for that your punishment is that you have to make a nice dessert tomorrow night nor else I will be severely pissed – you understand me you useless piece of ass! Who else would love you but me! And get your hands off mine – That's an Order!"
" What did you say?"
" No. Ryoki."
" It's not a choice Hatsumi. It's an order. Obey me. Now."
" No...Ryoki you are hurting me and you are close to my throat and I can't trust you like this."
The grip was tightened. I felt those claws around the sensitivity of the pipes. Wind would shut itself. Why Ryoki? Why couldn't you just love me? Why do you do keep on doing this? Why do you do this? Why do you hurt me?
" Hatsumi. I won't have to repeat it do I now?"
" Ryoki, please -"
" Let go Hatsumi now!"
" No Ryoki! You're hurting -"
SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!
He slapped me. He backhanded me. I felt my face twitch due to the impact. The pain was known. It didn't hurt as rawly as before. But the foolish heart who always grew anew had her seeds violated. Over and Over.
My anguish was immediate. I started crying all over. Ryoki was breathing hard. He was trying to let out stream.
Crying...Crying...Crying...Just Forget...Forget the stab
"C'mon Hatsumi," he was on the floor beside me; cradling as if nothing happened. Nothing could happen. He wanted me to know that. " C'mon shut up Baka. C'mon, I forgive you. You are such a wimp, such a scaredycat – always getting so worked up – now Hatsumi...don't keep crying now..." embrace becomes death-lock – no key to release those mangled excuses for love, " C'mon stop crying." he began to cup my face hard, " Shut it you weakling – c'mon I forgive you."
The question is: Can I ever forgive you?
" C'mon idiot – let's order something. Then let's have a little date – what do you say my love? You game?"
" Ryoki, I don't think I can right now. I am feeling really sick."
" You know I wasn't really asking..." he narrowed his eyes.
" Ryoki, I don't wanna."
Ryoki just went and dialled a number – I think to a Pizza Place – ordered an extra large grinning to me and holding his hand over the speaker, " We will need the energy later on..." and put down the phone after verifying the address details.
I slumped on a couch. I was rubbing my face. Ryoki took off his coat. Loosened his tie. Loosened his shirt buttons. Exposed his athletic physique. Marble sculpture devoid on knowing it had blood on its porcelain fitness. Sitting down next to me he took my hand from my cheek and pressed it to his. An act of telepathy? A act of romance? - both are nullified though photographs may make you think otherwise.
A sudden grab. My face blushed knowing that my body would become weak. Shock and then ecstasy of only a spilling orgasm. Nightmares of Lace and Silk.
" No Ryoki, No."
Kisses on the neck become licks then graduates to bites. They cause no arousal-deep. They are blemishes on my skin. Sonnets of Woe. I attempt to push.
" No Ryoki I'm not feeling so well."
" Shut it Baka. I got a hard on with your name on it."
" No Ryoki please."
" C'mon Hatsumi – I'll make you feel good."
His hands are going all across me. They squeeze my breasts and I yelp. I attempt to push him off again. This time he grabs my hair and pulls hard and I cry out.
" Stop with the dramatics Hatsumi. Can't a husband make love to his wife?"
" But Ryoki..." I'm crying, my face is an oceanic plate, soft, liquefying, so ruptured, " I'm really feeling down. Let me rest tonight. I promise we can do it in the morning."
" Oh Please, like I am as lazy and useless as you and have no important work to do."
" Ryoki, please..." his hand gets more intimate, " Please stop, please, please..."
" Stop whining and let's see how you don't get happy as me..."
It started on the sofa. The licking and biting. Then he took me upstairs. For the funeral.
I don't have to think while I am having sex. I can just moan when he hits a sensitive spot. I can feel him. Thrusting and Thrusting. Saying "mmm" and "awww" and "yeah Hatsumi" and ''oh God Hatsumi" (funny, he contradicts himself – with his greater than thou did he not once say he was greater than God?) and "love your body." I don't always listen. I block out most of the things. They don't amuse me anymore. There was a time they would have and they would have made me scream in ecstasy. But, that was when I was stupid. When I though he loved me. Now – they only add to my boredom. They only add to my misery.
Why God? Why did this have to happen to me? Was it because I mistakenly chose a jerk-off who thought he was greater than You? Why God – Don't stay silent! I DEMAND ANSWER! I DON'T WANT THIS! I NEVER WANTED THIS! IT HURTS! IT HURTS SO MUCH!
Why did this have to happen...?
I didn't need to get married. I could have just lived alone. I don't want love anymore. Azusa should have gang-banged me. It would be better than this...what am I saying...that's fucked too... I just wanna be myself...I don't want anyone... God help...God...
...I want to die...
"Hey Hatsumi wake up – passion has its toll huh?" the cock-sure grin gets me out of the daze and I rub my temples. I think that extra large arrived. The sight of Ryoki grinning naked. The fact that we had such a rape-resembling sex. The sight of him naked and smiling and being cocky. The sight of him naked PERIOD. Ruined my appetite to eat anything.
" Let's eat." he smiles. I want to slap him, " I bet you are hungry after that."
His cocky confidence nauseates me. I wish I could throw up. But then again he is so idiotic concerning my feelings he'll I'm pregnant or something.
I cannot see him as the father of my children.
" Oh, wait baby I got a call." he fiddles around with his cellphone but I just don't move. I huddle in the sheets but then with realization I distance them from me. They have him on them too. His sweat, his seamen and my humiliation.
I can hear him getting irritated. I know him. He may be speaking politely (so, it must be a business call add professionalism) but if he could he would punch that guy whoever she or he is. I can see actually complying with something against his will. I smile.
It's nice to eat your own medicine once in a while. I think I got my appetite back.
He looks at me as I am on the bed and pushes me, " Hey I got the pizza so get your ass up!"
" What are you so angry about...?" I state calmly.
The look he gives makes him realize that he cannot escape this inquisition – I am no longer that dumb anymore, " Trouble at work."
" Why brush it on me? What did I do?" I narrow my gaze.
He grabs my face and narrows his own gaze, " Don't you dare give me that look Hatsumi!"
" You do it all the time!"
He grunts, " I'm allowed to."
" What allows you?"
I am pulled roughly by my arm and dragged to the table and he violently sits me down and grabs my shoulders rigidly. " Don't screw around with me Hatsumi! I'm not in the mood!"
" I already did." I just couldn't stand it anymore. This atttitude.
My head hit the table. I cried out in pain. He had pushed my head too forcefully and it hit the table. I grabbed my forehead and tears were rushing out. I was so hurt. So much in pain.
So much Engulfed in Anger.
" Stop being a Baka smartass – you are a dumbass bitch anyway! C'mon eat up and let's go to bed I got important shit to worry about!"
For a moment, I just sat. My tears were clouding my motor nerves. I couldn't move. I felt if I moved he would hit me again. I felt if I moved I would be surrendering again.
" C'mon, C'mon," he grabbed my face and rubbed my head, " Don't make a bid deal out of it." he put two slices of the beef-cheese pizza on my plate, " C'mon eat up."
" I'm fine. Let go." I spoke with a monochromatic deadpan of a voice. It appealed to his intellect so he sat down and started being a glutton.
So Devouring. He Devours me Everyday. Still... he remains hungry...
" An annoying client or whatever he is, Ryuzaki Ogasawara, wants a piece of my company. Well, he probably wants to just become a shareholder or a partner but he's new in the business scene here in Japan. I heard he lived elsewhere before. I don;t know what kind of individual he is but my secretaries are pressuring me to meet with me. They think he's like this big thing... like a Midas or something..."
" Midas...?" I am asking casually though still not looking at him and if he thinks that talking of his frustrations post-acting out his frustrations on me would help me to forget he's wrong. Dead Wrong.
He smiles, " Midas is mythology is -"
" I know who Midas is..." I look up straight at his eyes.
" You...do..." he looks irritated because I interrupted him but surprised overall that I know about the mythological entity. What – I wasn't going to be seventeen forever.
Thank God For That.
" Yes, but why is he called Midas?" Did I mention I love seeing Ryoki irritated?
" Well, if you knew about Midas then you wouldn't ask me why?" Ryoki gave a cocky smile, condescending me once more, " It's alright Hatsumi. I know there are some things you don't know."
" If he can touch things and make them into gold then why is he here in the sense did his old business crash or is he expanding and partner up with you – or is he shifting. Was he that big to be called Midas? I mean has he attained that much success?" I asked straightout. I specified the question you cock-sure ASSHOLE.
He looked like something hit him. On the Face. It was colossal. Good.
" Well, yes, something like that?"
" You don't know yet?" Wow, Ryoki is more clumsy than he acts out. Smirk to that.
" I do know some details that he is a guy a year younger than us and that he was in telecommunications and stocks – he got big fast but he inarguably had back-ups and influences nor else you don't get that big."
" Oh, ok."
" I'm supposed to meet him tomorrow...at eight sharp...make breakfast for me ok."
" What do you want?" he never makes breakfast for me...not once...
" I'll have cupcakes...yum..." I spoke out loud.
" You'll be wasting too much stuff. We can both eat pancakes." he looks at me, " That's an order."
" Why are you so insistent on this? We have plenty of stuff." I look down, eyes not meeting, angry and hurt, " I want to eat -"
" Pancakes. That's Final. That's an Order!"
He finishes his coke, " C'mon Hatsumi time for round two." he grins.
" I'm not finished yet." I say glumly.
" Well you don't seem to be interested in finishing!" He yells.
" We were talking Ryoki." I desperately want to make him understand. He hurts me.
" C'mon get up! I can't wait! You can get tired and eat in the morning – it's not like you have anything important to do!"
" Ryoki – I go to work the same time you do..."
" C'mon Hatsumi!" he grabs me and I grab the table, " Let go of that dammit!"
" Ryoki let me finish – I will come in a few minutes!"
The pizza and plate both crash on the floor. I look devastated. Why does he spoil Everything?!
" Now look what you done!" with that comes a hard slap, " Why can't you just listen to me!"
" Ryoki..." anger in my face, " I will finish and clean this up and then come ok."
There is surprise, then cockily he states, " Fuck you you wench I won't wait up."
I clean up. I finish eating. When I entered the room I see Ryoki nude. I am going to my side of of the bed when he grabs me harshly and kisses me with a needling force.
" Thought I'd forget about your awesome body huh...you can be fiesty but so can I"
" Ryoki I told you I wasn't feeling well."
" Shut it Hatsumi you made me wait too long."
He does it for a couple of minutes. Then he doozes off. He doesn't care if I had fun. If I complain in the morning then he'll say that if I didn't orgasm it was my fault 'cause I didn't want it. I get up and take a shower.
I don't want him on me.
I get into bed again. Stay distant. I smile. It was fun defying him. Then. I cry. It wasn't fun at all with each act of sex feeling like a rape.
I dream about Shinogu, Akane, Mom and Dad.
Of times that did not have Ryoki.