Disclaimer: I do not own Sam or Cas or anything else pertaining to the series.
A.N: I suggest listening to Chaka Khan-Angel while reading this. (Can be found on youtube) For some reason that song in a way sorta fits with the Winchesters at various times this season. For one, it sorta set the mood of this story for me.
Summary: Tag to 5x18- Point of No Return. If his brother lost faith in himself and in him, was there truly any point in continuing?
Sam stumbled up the steps, his hand pressing the wall using it as a guide. He felt he could not get away fast enough. He had managed to contain it this long but now it threaten to overtake him if it was not dealt with. He walked a pace before pressing his back to the wall and sliding down in Bobby's hallway on the second floor. He was dimly aware of the pressure against his back as he slid, but it mattered not. No one would bother him here. He just needed a few precious moments to comprehend and compartmentalize. He pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them with his arms. He needed this moment to think.
To re-gather his strength.
What little there was.
For it had been torn to shreds minutes ago.
I don't believe…
Sam swallowed remembering those words as tears sprang in his eyes. He knew he pressured Dean into telling him what was wrong. He was a firm believer in once everything was out in the open then it could be dealt with.
He had hoped it would help Dean to release whatever feelings he had been carrying for the last weeks on end. It did not do any good to hold them so tight. He wanted to help his big brother. He needed to help him, so he pressure him to tell him.
Dean, seriously, tell me. I want to know.
Sam never thought that it come to hurt him, personally.
And hurt they did.
I don't believe…
He felt as if someone took a knife and stabbed him. Actually since that has happened before, that cause less pain than those words.
But once he opened that box, they just kept tumbling out. On and on….more and more knives driven into Sam's very soul, his very heart. Each one driving deeper than the last until he thought surely he would die.
You are saying I'm not strong enough?
He need to know the answer to such a question. Had it really come to this? Had he really fallen that far, that even Dean would think he had not the strength to fight evil with his every breath? Did he fall that far that Dean didn't even believe that he wouldn't become Lucifer's vessel? That he wouldn't say yes?
Why had things changed so much over the years?
And just as he needed an answer at the same time he didn't want an answer to that question.
You are saying I'm not strong enough?
He didn't want to even hear this conversation. He wanted so bad to run out the door, just run away….but as he told Dean earlier that he was wrong for repeatedly running away in his life.
So he would endure it.
He would stand there and take what Dean threw at him. He hoped he had the strength to remain dignified in his brother's presence but slowly it was wearing him down.
He opened that door and now he had to walked through it. Although part of him did not wish to know, another part needed to know.
Just as he needed to draw his next breath.
You are saying I'm not strong enough?
Perhaps if he knew what was wrong, he could fix it.
I do know they'll find a way to turn you.
Sam ran a hand through his hair shakily at remembering the words. He had received his answer. For the short version of that was simply.....
Sam laughed despairingly once to himself. He knew this already, but it still hurt to hear it from his brother. He reflected briefly at his admission a little over a month ago after they fled the asylum. He had been the first to admit that he was angry.
He would have thought Dean would be done, but he wasn't. He kept going. And the knives..... they kept digging deeper.
Lucifer's gonna wear you to the prom and you know it.
That was a slap in the face. Sam's own heart squeezed and he had to consciously be aware of his own breathing. He had to consciously remember to breath. If his own brother didn't believe he would hold out, what chance did he have?
Don't say that to me. Not you.....of all people.
A part of him counted on the support of his only family, his big brother. But now that support was shot; the bridge was in flames.
I don't want to. But it's the truth.
Sam huffed brokenly, his eyes blurring, he held one hand in his hair, trying to stop the pulsing in his head. Perhaps it was the truth but it did not make it less painful. His chest tightened.
Sam guessed that somewhere he had held onto that childish hope that no matter what Dean would forgive him, that he would still love him. Just like a parent forgives and loves their murderous thieving son.
But it was just that….childish hope.
Sam remembered the day that Dean told him about their dad's last words. Could this really be it? Would their dad's words really come true? To hear Dean admit that he needed to prepare for the inevitable…..to prepare to kill him was more than he could bear.
When Satan takes you over….there gotta be someone there to stop him. And it ain't going to be that kid……so it's gotta be me.
The dam broke. Something snapped inside. And Sam felt that he could not withstand it a moment longer. As he turned and made a swift exit. He closed and locked the door, but paused to rest his head on the cool metal of the door. Tears swam into his eyes. But he could not break down there. No, he had responsibilities at the moment. He had to get somewhere private to release his inner turmoil that threaten to bring him to his knees right then and there.
He managed to collect himself before he went back upstairs to meet the concern faces of Bobby and Castiel. Bobby asked how Dean was doing….what could he say to that. Then he asked a surprising question…
How as he doing?
Sam laughed inside a broken sob at that. How was he doing? How was he doing?
He wasn't doing well. He hadn't been doing well for years.
Sam could contain it no longer as he laid his head on his knees and cried. He cried for himself….he cried for the world…..he cried for his family friends….he cried for this mess they were in….but most importantly….
He cried for Dean.
For the Dean that Dean used to be.
For the big brother he used to have.
For the broken shell of a man that Dean had become.
Sam stood; his face wet his tears, his stomach hurting for crying and began to punching and hitting everything in his way.
It wasn't fair!
He just wanted things to be okay.
If not for himself, then for Dean.
He cried and raged.
Raged and cried.
It was the only thing he could do. It was the only thing he had power over.
When his raged subdued he slid down the wall again, heaving. He managed to make it all the way down the hall. He sat nestled in a corner, hugging himself. Tears did not cease to fall, but he was out of strength.
Out of will.
"Are you alright, Sam?"
Sam didn't answer. Didn't care.
"Bobby sent me up. We heard the banging."
Sam didn't even acknowledge the rogue angel. He had checked out briefly. He just continued staring into space. Castiel leaned on the opposite wall, away from Sam, staring in front of him creating a semblance of privacy for the young male. He did not feel it right to intrude on an emotional private time yet at the same time neither he, nor Bobby for the matter, felt it appropriate to leave Sam in this state. He had been slightly surprised to hear the banging that came all of a sudden, just as he was going to go and check on Dean. When it started, Bobby and he exchanged glances. Then the former suggested that he got to check on Sam. Castiel knew that Bobby would but unfortunately circumstances prevented that.
Castiel believed that was why Sam had retreated upstairs. They had seen the haunted faraway look in Sam's eyes once he came back upstairs from speaking to Dean. Castiel had some ideas to what Dean might have said. Both had been concerned when Sam finally retreated up the stairs after making sure that Adam was still on lockdown.
Castiel continued to muse over these thoughts when a sound began to reach his ears.
"I won't….." came a strangled voice.
He looked over to Sam, who still had slient tears running down his face.
"I won't let this happen. I won't. Dean may not believe in me…..but that doesn't mean I have to give him more reasons to continue to not believe that I am prepared to fight this with my dying breath if I have to." Sam's voice cracked.
"I know I screwed up….and I know I have much to do before I can claim what little redemption I can."
There was silence. Castiel looked back at the wall in front of him.
"Dean is not the man I know. He is not the big brother I grew up with. The one that would kick butt and take names all with a cocky attitude and win chick's numbers for his efforts", Sam said softly and ended with a short laugh at the fond memory.
He breathed and continued.
"Dean might not believe. Not know…..I know that everything has piled up and the wall finally broke. But Cas," said angel looked over at Sam. He heard the gathering conviction in his voice even before he saw the swelling conviction in his eyes.
"I swear….I swear it, Cas, that I will find a way to make him believe. To give him reasons to believe again. I know it won't be easy….but I can't just let him fail. I can't just stand and watch him just fall without attempting with all my might to catch him and pull him up." Sam's voice held renewed vigor after his solemn vow.
Sam swallowed, as new tears sprung out of his eyes. He closed them. "I won't just sit here and do nothing while my brother suffers. He has been there for me time and time again and never once failed me. Now after all these years I will have that chance to return a small portion of the favor."
He sobbed out the rest of his thoughts, needing them to be heard. "I will have faith in the non-believer. I'll have faith for the non-believer. I'll have faith and believe enough for the both of us…until that day when he can take back what is rightfully his. I won't let his end this way."
"I won't….." he murmured, with fire in his eyes even as he lowered his head back to his knees wrapping his arms around his long frame as new sobs wracked his body.
But this time it was sobs of relief. He would do this. He would do this thing and he wouldn't give up. They had come too far to give up.
Castiel nodded with a small smile. He pushed from the wall and turned to walk away saying, "I know you will, Sam Winchester. With your conviction and strength of will…..you have made even a believer out of me."
Yes, that is what they would do.
They would have faith for the non-believer.
Until the day he could reclaim his own.
A.N: Is it bad I get misty after my own story? lol Or that I want to turn this into a fan-comic? At least I can see as a movie in my head with the dramatic music and whatnot.
Sorta how I percieved Sam went from being hurt after Dean's words to having that unlimited faith in his big brother.
I hope you enjoyed this story!
Bonus: If any is interested I shall be posting various tags and stories about this 100th eppie. So if you are interested periodically check on my profile for the upcoming stories. I have 4 planned already for sure, maybe a 5th. Two is already written. So if anyone is interested they can look forward to that. Thanks.