He promised he'd be the one to stay… so why do I feel like he's left already? I'm so numb right now, everything I do, and everything I look at reminds me of him. I just don't get it, we had good times… so why wasn't I enough? He says it's him that is the trouble and it's better for him to leave. To make a clean break. But every time I think about letting him go, my world crumbles just a little bit more. I don't want to keep him if it's just to keep me safe. I want him here because he wants to. I guess I had deeper feelings for him than he felt after all. I never would have expected that. He always seemed to be the stronger one, the one who was more in tune but now… I can pretend everything is alright, for awhile at least. I can go on living and make the others think everything is alright. But inside I'm dying. I never expected this. I didn't expect him to be my world but he is… He keeps saying it's not my fault, I'm the nicest day person ever and it kind of makes it worse. He won't sleep with me anymore. Won't touch me. I keep wondering what I can do to keep him but this morning I came to a realization; I can't do anything if he doesn't want me to. I can't force a person to love me and he's made it clear that maybe he doesn't really. I want so badly to run, to find a new life but I've had experience with that already, I know it doesn't change. Problems will follow you and it's the same crap all over again. He was the one that calmed the hurt and now that he's leaving me, I don't know how to deal with everything on my own. Is it right to rely on someone for strength? I don't know. Maybe not. But I have. He's been my rock, keeping me linked to this world when I wanted nothing more than to give up. He IS my world.
No one will ever know more pain than to realize they have more love for beloved than they have. It's like there's a knife in your heart and it just keeps twisting and twisting until you can't feel anything anymore. I thought he was the only one who understood but turns out he was just like every other person in my life. They take what they want from me and then they just leave…. But the sick part is, I would give him more if he would just stay. I don't know how to survive without him. I don't even know how to breathe when he's not around… How am I going to get through this?