This is actually a fanfic of a fanfic. After reading Rock On by draykonis, we were discussing how Hugo gets no love. Somehow or another, I decided that Hugo and James would be a fabulous pairing, and then I set about to prove it. They are now one of my favourite pairings of all time. THEY ARE SO CUTE. Anyway, mentions of the wretched Miranda were taken directly from her abuse of James in draykonis' awesome fic. This yanks the characters out of later chapters and sets them on a different tangent.

Potter Patch-up

Hugo didn't mean for it to happen, it just... did. Then again, things always seemed to "just happen" to the Potter/Weasley clan. Hugo had analyzed it and decided that Harry Potter had been cursed from birth. He and everyone around him were constantly sucked into bizarre situations and the curse had obviously been passed down to his progeny.

Just hanging around the Potters was a guarantee that at some point, something unusual would happen.

Of course, Hugo was partially to blame. It had been his turn to watch James and make sure Miranda didn't actually kill him with her ravenous sexual appetite and persistent stalking. To his credit, James had survived four encounters with the sexual predator before escaping Hogwarts completely.

Hugo had watched on the Marauder's Map as James made his way to the Whomping Willow and beneath it to the secret tunnel. Hugo had grabbed his Potter Patch-up Kit and followed.

Inside the Shrieking Shack, James was sprawled facedown on one of the beds. He groaned audibly when Hugo pushed the door open.

"Unless you're the Grim Reaper, I'd prefer you just go away," James mumbled into the pillow.

During their first few years at Hogwarts, the Potter clan had turned the Shrieking Shack into their secret clubhouse. The place was no longer quite as wrecked as it had been. None of them were particularly good at keeping things spotless, but at least the broken furniture had been repaired and they had added bedding and throw pillows. It was fairly clean.

"I can probably fetch him if you like," Hugo said. "Or her, in your case."

James groaned. "Please, no. I'll take death over Miranda."

Hugo made his way to the bed and plopped down. "Let's see the damage."

"I can't move," James said.

Hugo gripped the edge of James' t-shirt and pushed it up gently, exposing his spine, ribs, and shoulder blades. His entire back was covered with scratches. Hugo was beginning to think Miranda was part jaguar.

He reached into his Potter Patch-up Kit and pulled out a small jar. Hugo's Uncle George had developed a healing salve in order to fix himself up after testing products on himself. It was so powerful that St Mungo's had made him extraordinarily rich purchasing it.

Thankfully, George kept Hugo well-supplied, knowing how many mishaps they all got into at school.

Hugo dipped two fingers into the mixture and then began to smear it gently over the scratches. James sighed. Hugo watched as the red lines faded and the swelling disappeared. He continued until James' back was smooth and scratch-free once more.

A red splotch staining the boy's jeans had Hugo worried. Miranda had drawn blood a time or two, but never enough to cause concern, until now.

"Unbutton your jeans," Hugo ordered.

"Huh?" James asked in a sleepy tone.

"Your arse is bleeding."

"Oh. Right, she gouged me. Vicious bitch." James obediently lifted his body and fiddled with his waistband until the material was loose enough for Hugo to work down. He pushed the fabric to James' knees and then gently tugged the boxer's over his arse, exposing four deep, bloody furrows.

"Damn," Hugo muttered. "Is she a werewolf?"

"That's insulting to werewolves. You're not ogling my arse, are you?"

Hugo had been fixated on the wounds until that question, which caused him to twist his head slightly and look at James' arse speculatively. It was rather nice-looking, bar the bloody gouges. Hugo grabbed the unmarred arse cheek in one hand and squeezed.

"Now I am," Hugo replied suggestively and James snorted.

"Har har."

Hugo let go and went back to tending to the injured areas. The salve worked nicely, knitting James' flesh back together and leaving only pale scars that would eventually fade. And it made Hugo's nails look nice, also.

Hugo's fingers smoothed over the scratches on James' arse. One red line curved into the crack and James stiffened when Hugo's index finger followed it. The movement made Hugo's throat feel suddenly dry.

"Did she leave your testicles intact?" Hugo joked, even though his words sounded hollow and somewhat odd to his own ears.

"I've been afraid to check," James admitted.

"Roll over, let's see the rest of the damage."

"You don't have to do this," James grumped.

"Want me to get one of the others?"

"Never mind," James said quickly and turned over.

Hugo almost gasped aloud when he saw James' face. His lips were bruised and swollen and there was another gash on his cheek. Purpling lovebites covered one side of his neck and his chest was another mass of scratches.

"Merlin," Hugo breathed and then scowled. Albus had better find a way to rid James of Miranda or Hugo might have to take matters into his own hands. He had already searched for information on her, since everyone had dirty little secrets. Miranda, however, exposed her dirt for the world to see. She was a psychotic sex maniac and it was no secret at all.

Hugo dipped a finger into the salve and touched the dip just beneath James' nose. He traced the puffy upper edge of James' lip, smoothing over the swollen flesh. He met James' brown eyes and found them wide and dark. Hugo looked away in confusion and then steeled his resolve and concentrated on his task. What was wrong with him, anyway?

He traced the gash on his cheek and then moved his fingers to the edge of James' mouth where a dark bruise had formed.

"Stupid bint," Hugo said. "Doesn't she know how to kiss?"

James chuckled. "That's pretty funny coming from you."

Hugo scowled. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Have you ever kissed anyone?"

"Yes," Hugo said flatly.

"Besides your mum," James added. He smirked and his lips moved beneath Hugo's fingers, drawing his attention.

Hugo felt a flash of pure wickedness. "I'll bet you five Galleons I can kiss better than Miranda."

James spoke through Hugo's fingers. "How do you plan to prove it?" His lips tickled Hugo's fingertips as he grinned.

"Like this," he said and removed his fingers. He leaned down and pressed their lips together gently.

James seemed frozen in shock. Hugo really had no idea what he was doing, but he figured that anything the opposite of what Miranda had done could only be an improvement, so he nibbled lightly on James' lower lip, tasting it bit by bit.

"Hugo," James tried, which turned out to be a mistake on his part because it opened his mouth and a brand new world of possibility to Hugo. His tongue slid between James' parted lips and traced the contours of his upper lip, feeling the bump of teeth against the underside of his tongue. He was suddenly, extraordinarily, interested in those possibilities.

James seemed to have forgotten how to breathe. Hugo took his stillness as an opportunity to deepen the kiss, easing James' teeth apart and sliding his tongue over the wet heat within.

So this is what kissing is all about, he thought with a curious sense of detachment even as a strange mixture of hot and cold seemed to flood his senses, leaving him breathless and shaking. Or perhaps it was the kissing that left him breathless, because now that he'd started kissing James, he could not seem to stop, even for necessary things such as oxygen.

When James regained his ability to move, it was not to push Hugo away or twist off a vital bodily part, but rather to slip one hand into Hugo's hair and pull him closer. Someone moaned and Hugo suspected it had come from him, but he was too busy taking in the incredible sensation of James Potter kissing him.

Hugo had been flying blind, but James knew what he was doing. His tongue moved with expert precision over Hugo's, dragging even more heat from the molten pool that had once been Hugo's groin. Hugo's trousers were suddenly too tight, an impressive feat considering he had to cinch them with a belt to keep them from sliding down his legs to the ground on a daily basis.

They broke the kiss at the same moment, panting for air. Hugo stared into James' surprised brown eyes. Words spun sluggishly through Hugo's mind, but they could not seem to assemble themselves. James had more experience with insanity, apparently, because he found his voice.

"You win," he said hoarsely.