Changed For The Better
Disclaimer: SM owns all that is twilight. No copyright infringement intended.
The stars were shining brightly in the heavens. Every constellation could be seen in the darkened sky above. I sat by the window and looked into the starry night. The stars were such a mystery to people, even in this day and age, with all of the available technology. My mind pondered on the vastness of space and the time it took for the light of the stars to reach me on this night; millions of years for the light to be seen at this moment and this time. I couldn't help but to be swept up in the romance of the cosmos. Each star had a destiny, a path it was meant to follow. It seemed simple and eternal. Their destinies were literally written in own constellations.
As I sat pondering these things, I thought about my eternal round, my own destiny, if you will. I wonder about the path I was supposed to travel. My life had no meaning anymore. I had nothing to guide me, to anchor me to this time and this place. I felt like a piece of sand swept to and fro in the endless ocean, never settling or have a specific goal. My life had lost all of its meaning. I knew these thoughts were not productive, but I couldn't seem to help myself. I was embittered over the stars. They had a defined objective and fate to accomplish and I was jealous of their purpose. My life hadn't always been meaningless. My life use to be defined by a single person, a single definitive entity. Her fate was mine, where her life led, mine followed. And with five simple words, that life was taken from me.
"Jasper, I'm sorry, it's over!"
I never knew it was capable to break a creature's life with five effortless words: my name (Jasper), an apology (I'm sorry), and a simple statement (It's over) that could be applied to anything. I played the word over and over again in my head, trying to find any other meaning for them then their actually explanation. It was in vain.
I had no release for my anger, hurt, and ache. I couldn't sleep and escapes my thoughts. I couldn't eat away my troubles like some humans. I could run but I would never tire. My world was an endless torture that never seem to lessen. I was sinking in quicksand and had no one to pull me out. I needed someone, anything. I wanted someone to stop the suffering I felt in my soul, someone to sooth the constant pain in my dead heart. I knew that I had to try and move on, somehow. I needed something to or someone to basically throw me a lifeline.
As I continued to hurt, I thought back to the person and the time that caused me this never ending darkness that seemed to suffocate me.
That had been the third vision she'd seen this week, which seemed to take everything out of her. While she was living in her visions, her emotions were all over the place. This particular visual was so strong that the weight of her emotions literally crippled me to my knees. The sheer amount of anguish she felt was beyond anything I had ever felt before from her. I couldn't begin to imagine what she was seeing in her world of possibilities and futures. What she could predict was endless and sometimes completely life changing. The magnitude of this particular mental picture would be altering someone life forever, of that I was sure.
Usually when Alice had some sort of vision that was this strong, we would discuss it. She would need someone to confide in. Alice always wrestled with the knowledge she received about other people's lives. She knew that with one vision she could irrevocably change a person's world. It was a heavy burden for one to carry alone. If the vision was about our future we would discuss it and determine what was best to be done. I knew everyone's fate wasn't set in stone, but Alice always wanted to give us the best chance possible at avoiding anything that could hurt us or anyone else in the family. She took her role very seriously and wanted to make sure we, as a collective whole, were safe and cared for.
Alice had a big heart capable of so much love. The girl was also addicted to shopping like a person was addicted to air. I don't certain she could survive without it. But even though she loved to shop, it wasn't the only thing she was good at doing. She loved deeply, she cared immensely, and she gave of herself freely. Everything she did was for the family and me. I never doubted her love and devotion to me.
The first of these series of visions Alice had was intense but not crippling. She had felt confused and baffled by the first series if the visions. I tried to get her to talk about it, but she didn't want to; she said the vision made no sense and there was no need to discuss it. No matter how much I tried to coax it out of her she wouldn't budge.
The second revelation Alice had been a couple of days later. The emotional climate of this vision was staggering, but still didn't bring me to my knees. It last for about two hours. After she was done watching, she took off and didn't return home for the rest of the day. I had really started to worry. Alice had bad visions before, but never tried to hide them from me. These were different, I could feel her emotions during the vision and they were of total despair and loss. My anxiety grew throughout the day. The longer she was away, the more I started to fear. When I finally made up my mind to go and find her she came through the door.
"Alice, where the hell have you been? I was scared shitless thinking about where you were and what had happened to you." She looked at me like an annoyance
"I'm fine, Jazz," she replied in a blasé manner. "I just needed to clear my head and I didn't want to be around anyone. It's no problem," her voice flippant. My anger started to rise. I was fucking worried about her all day and she tells me 'it's no problem'.
"Alice, you were gone all day and didn't even had the decency to call. I thought something horrible happened to you. You have this major vision and just leave without telling me about it or if you were alright. That is just unacceptable, Alice!" I didn't want to treat her like a child, but she needed to know her actions had consequences.
"What the hell is your problem, Jasper, I told you I was fine. What more do you want from me?" I just watched as she continued to raise her voice. "If I wanted to tell you about my vision I would have. Stop trying to pry it out of me and get off my damn back. I don't need you on my case all the time. I already have a father figure and I don't need another. I can take care of myself!" she finished yelling.
It didn't escape my notice that she used my full name. She only used it when she was distraught about something. But the way she had addressed me was unacceptable, I was only worried about her. I loved her with my whole heart. Alice was my world and I never wanted any harm to come to her.
"Fine, Alice, I can see your fine. I'll just leave you alone since that seems to be what you want."
As I walked out the door to go hunting, I heard her whisper, "That is never what I wanted, Jasper." I thought I might have imagined it.
After hunting and taking my aggression out on an undeserving tree, I decided now was good a time as any to face Alice. When I got home, she was waiting for me on the bottom of the staircase. She was feeling so lost and alone. I guess my taking off today affected her more than I realized. As I approached her, she tilted her head up and looked into my eyes; a small smile graced her beautiful lips.
Everyone else was in the living room except Edward; he was in Alaska visiting our cousins for the month of July, saying something about needing a break from the family for a while. I think he became overwhelmed with the family sometimes. We were all mated and he was still single. I couldn't imagine how difficult it was on him. He always seemed sad or moody, hard for me to gauge his emotions. Emmett claimed 'It was always Eddie's time of the month'.
Alice took my hand and led me into my study. We seemed to have our serious talks in there. If they were done in our bedroom, not much talking was accomplished.
"Jazz, I'm sorry for the things I said earlier and for treating you so badly. I never should have taken my frustration out on you. The only thing you ever do is try to make me happy. You even go shopping with me when you rather be kicking Emmett's ass at some video game." We could hear Emmett yell from the living room.
"He wishes; I wipe the floor with his ass at everything we do!" The sound of a hand hitting the back of his head could be heard clearly. "Damn it, Rosie, you know that shit hurts!"
"Emmett, if I hear that language out of your mouth once again you will see the consequences. Do I make myself clear?" Esme scolded him. She was feeling pretty pissed and he knew not to mess with her after she used that tone of voice.
"Sorry, mom. I'll try and do better." What a kiss ass. He knew she could be weakened when one called her mom. And just as I had suspected, Esme caved.
"Thank you, Emmett. I accept your apology. Just try to watch you language in the future, darling." Emmett was feeling smug until Rose smacked him in the head again. She knew him too well.
I turned back to Alice with a smile on my face. "I'm sorry too, Ali. I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you. I was just really worried about you. You are my life, Alice, and I never want anything to happen to you. I hope you can forgive me." I gave her the smile she could never resist. I usually saved it to get out of shopping.
"Of course, Jazz, you have nothing to apologize for, but if it makes you feel better, I forgive you too." I leaned forward and ever so gently placed my lips on Alice's smaller one.
I grazed my tongue over her bottom lip and she moaned. I pulled her onto my lap and deepened the kiss. Alice turned around and put her legs on either side of my legs. Her taste was intoxicating. I broke the kiss and moved to the right column of her neck. I slowly ran my tongue up to the hollow of her ear and over her ear lobe. I whispered in her ear making her shiver from my cold breath on her wet skin.
"I love you, Ali, always, always!" Her eyes filled with the venom that would never fall.
"Forever, forever, Jazz," she whispered back to me.
"Can you two take that sh-stuff somewhere else? The rest of us are trying to watch TV. The game is on and you are ruining it with your loving feelings. They are suffocating the rest of us."
That bitch was going to pay later for ruining my moment with Alice. She had been so distant with me these last few day and we were finally back on solid ground. That asshole had to ruin it by opening his mouth. He would get his.
"What do you say we go for a run to our spot?" I asked, huskily in her ear.
She just smiled at me and nodded her head. As we made our way down stairs and out the door, Emmett had to have the last word.
"Jazz, have fun, man, and remember you have a dick not a lady part. Next time remember to talk like you actually have man parts and not like some love struck puppy in heat." I didn't even need to say anything; the anger rolling off of Rose and Esme was very impressive. He would suffer enough.
"That's it, Emmett, I warned you," Esme started.
"Mom, I'm sorry, I forgot," his excuse wasn't going to fly; it was too late. One would think the big guy would learn.
Alice and I left and didn't return for the rest of the night.
As the rest of the week passed into the next, things were a little better. Alice was still sad, and was trying to hide it more. I really couldn't understand what was making her so depressed. We made love every night and she would often sit in my study with me while I read. She would stare at me with a longing in her eyes that I had felt so often from her.
I couldn't figure her out anymore. I didn't push her either. I knew she would talk to me when she was ready. I just wished there was something I could have done to take away her longing. The only thing at my disposal had been to be there for her and reassure her of my love. I would push out as much love to her as I could, trying to make her feel the depths of my love. Alice would just smile her sad smile at me and then continue to stare out the window.
As the second week in July turned into the third, Alice's third vision hit. She seemed to have been expecting it. This vision lasted for about five hours and her emotions literally dropped me to my knees about half way through. I couldn't move until it was over. The feelings she was giving off were astonishing. My body was so sore from the pain that I was literally out of breath. I felt like I had run around the world; it amazed me. Alice was curled into a little ball and was whimpering on top of the bed. I could feel Esme's heart breaking for us and the pain we were experiencing. Carlisle was concerned, to say the least. Rose and Emmett had been out 'sparring' and didn't return until morning.
When I was finally released from Alice's emotional prison, I picked her up and rocked her like a baby. She completely shattered in my arms. Nothing I could say or do could calm her down. She dried-sobbed for so long, I thought she was going to break into tiny pieces. I was so frightened and didn't know what to do. I called Esme and Carlisle to see if they could help her somehow because I was at my wits end.
Esme reassured Alice continuously of her love and stroked her hair. Carlisle rubbed her back and told her everything would be fine and her family was there to support her. After two hours of constant pain and pure agony, Alice started to calm down. Her hysterics became whimpers. She ran to me and started telling me of her love and all she ever wanted was the best for me. She apologized to Esme and Carlisle for the pain she caused. They reassured her all was fine and there was nothing to be sorry about. After another hour Alice had become numb. It was such a blessing on my fried nerves. I needed to hunt and take a run to clear my head.
"Ali, I love you, but I need to go hunt. I'm sorry sweetheart, but I really need to hunt. I won't be gone long and Esme will stay with you okay. I'll be back soon," I whispered in her ear. Alice didn't seem to like that idea. She started to go into hysterics again and asked me not to leave her. I was speechless. I wasn't sure where the insecurity had come from, except her visions. I wasn't even sure what I did to cause her the pain or doubt me.
"Okay, Ali, I'm not leaving. I'm right here. I will always be here," I whispered to her over and over again. I needed her to believe me, she was my everything.
After the morning turned into afternoon, Alice seemed to come out of her trance. Emmett and Rose had returned and were worried about her like the rest of the family. Alice was feeling better, but she was still in a constant state of depression. I needed to hunt, my thirst had been calling to me, and I could only imagine how dark my eyes were. I wasn't the best at controlling my thirst so had the extreme need to do something about it. Alice seemed to finally realize that I needed to hunt. She looked at me and half-smiled for the first time in a day and a half.
"It's okay, Jasper, I'll be fine. I know how badly you need to hunt. Thanks for staying with me for so long. I'll be okay. Esme will stay with me. I love you, Jasper," she seemed to be telling me two things at once. The words that came out of her mouth seemed to have a double meaning. My fear increased with every minute that passed.
"Okay, Ali. I will be back soon. Just lie down and remember that I love you. I would do anything for you. Just try and relax, sweetheart."
As I left, I placed a kiss on her forehead and gave a small smile to Esme. Esme was hurting so much for all of us. I needed to get the hell out of the house, or I was going to fall again.
The fourth week of July would probably go down as one of the worst five weeks in my existence. Alice sunk further into depression and nothing could bring her out. She wouldn't let me touch her and she started to avoid me. She'd go shopping just to get out of the house and returned with nothing. She asked Esme if there was anything she needed done, she asked Carlisle if he needed any help at the hospital, she asked everyone for something, but me.
Alice didn't want to be in the same room as me anymore. The only thing I got from her was feelings of resignation and acceptance. I would catch her staring at me, sometimes, when the whole family was together watching a movie or doing something else. She would have this look of utter despair on her beautiful face that continued to break my heart. When she realized I caught her staring, she would simply turn her head and I would feel her determination pick-up. I had no idea what to do anymore. I was truly falling apart at the seams.
On Thursday night, I went into our room to get a change of clothes. I had been staying in my study to give Alice her space. When I entered, I could see her sitting at her vanity, just looking into the mirror.
"Sorry, Ali, I just wanted to get a change of clothes and then I'll be gone." After I got my clothes, I went over to my side of the bed and got the book I had started reading before all this drama began. When I turned around I could see Alice staring at me. She had such a look of intensity in her eyes, it scared me. I thought for a moment she was going to have another vision. I could feel her emotions were wavering.
She was feeling a mixture of defiance, longing, acceptance, and finality. It was a weird cocktail of emotions, but I didn't say anything. I just took the opportunity to look at her. It had been a while that I was granted the privilege of looking at her. I knew she would always look the same, but I wasn't use to going this long without gazing at my love. I missed her.
Alice looked into my eyes. She seemed to be searching for some answer to a question I didn't know. After finding what she seemed to need, she got up from her vanity and stopped in front of me.
"Jasper, you know I love you, right?" she asked me, pleading in her eyes. I knew she loved me, but lately I had my doubts. I thought maybe she was falling out of love with me. Maybe my problems were too much for her to handle, and my scars were too ugly for her to stomach. I didn't want to fight anymore. I knew she loved me. I could feel it.
"I know, Alice. I love you too. I loved you from the start. You brought me to this amazing life and helped me overcome so many of my demons. I'm just sorry I can't be better for you. I know I struggle with my control, but I do try, Ali. I only want to bring happiness to you."
I wanted to hold her hand and kiss her, but I wasn't sure if she would allow it. She answered my silent request; she stepped into my personal space and took my hand in her tiny one.
"You may have struggled with what has always been normal for you, Jazz, but I never held it against you. We all have our struggles and yours never diminished my love for you. Nothing could ever take away my love for you," I could feel the truth in each word she uttered.
She loved me beyond reason. I never understood how she could have cared for a scared and broken soul like me. But my little sprite did love me, faults and all.
Alice pushed me on the bed and climbed into my lap. She placed her tiny hands on either side of my face and caressed them with her fingers, like she was committing to memory every imperfection, every pore, and every imaginary crease. She trailed her fingers from my cheeks, to my nose, over my eye lids and lashes, to the outline of my lips, while staring into my eyes. The moment was very intimate and overwhelming. Her emotions of love and acceptance made me want to crumble at her touch.
She then placed her hands in my hair and scratched my scalp. I couldn't help but sigh in ecstasy. Everywhere she touched me was glorious. Alice leaned in and finally gave me what I wanted. She placed her beautiful lips on mine and sinuously moved them against mine.
I pulled back and looked at Alice, sending all my love to her. Her eyes started to tear up again. I could feel her sadness and love, and I just wanted to make her smile. I placed my hands on her cheeks and wiped the tears that never fell.
"I love you, Ali, always, always!"
"Forever, forever, Jasper!" More tears came to her eyes, but smiled at me with the smile that I fell in love with.
"Make me forget everything, but you and our love. Please," Alice asked me. There was nothing I wouldn't do for her.
I picked her up from my lap and placed her in the middle of the bed. I took the hem of her shirt and lifted it over her head. I ever so slowly unbuttoned her jeans and slide them from her legs one by one. I wanted to touch every part of her.
As the bed creaked under our weight and the room filled with our soft voices, I knew I'd never get enough of her that night. My thirst for her seemed unquenchable.
Alice and I continued to make love for the rest of the night. I worshipped every part of her body as she kissed every part of mine. We took things slow and memorized every part of our love.
When the night ended and the grey light of dawn filtered into our room, Alice got up and took a shower. When she was finished, she sat on the edge of our bed and looked over my unclothed body. I could feel her lust spike again. She smiled at me from under her lashed.
"I have to go, Jazz. There's a few things I need to do for Esme today." I'll see you later. Remember that I love you. Nothing, and I mean nothing, can change that."
She leaned in and gently kissed my lips before leaving. When she got into her car, I could have sworn I heard her sob, but just thought I was mistaken. I hoped things would be get back to normal. Last night had been beyond incredible.
I got out of bed and decided to go for a hunt. I ran and thought about how we seemed to reconnect last night. Alice was happy for the first time in weeks, but still underneath her very thick layer of happiness, lurked her sadness and resignation. I just chose to ignore it. After taking down several animals, I returned home and showered. Alice wasn't returned so I grabbed a book and waited for her in my study.
About six hours later, Alice returned home and just sat with me in my study. While I read she stared at me. It was a little unnerving, but I also knew I could stare endlessly at her as well. Every now and then I could feel Alice slip further and further into her depression. I started to become worried again. I thought we were past. I thought we were on the right track to fixing us. When I felt her slipping further, I put my book down and looked at her.
"I'm sorry, Jazz, I just wanted to be around you. I can leave if I'm making you uncomfortable."
"Never, Ali, I always want you. Come here, sweetheart." I opened up my arms for her.
She made her way over to me and sat in my lap. She curled her body around mine and placed her head on my chest. She placed her hand on my face and just ran her fingers on my cheeks, over and over again. I held her tightly and smothered her in my love. Alice whimpered but burrowed deeper, like if she got in tight enough she would never have to leave. After a couple of hours of snuggling, Alice had another vision. Her eyes glazed over and she started to sob. I couldn't help her; my gift didn't seem to work when she was having these intense visions. I just had to wait for it to finish.
After about an hour, her vision finally passed. Alice was so heartbroken. Every breath she took pained her body. I just held onto her, telling her how much I loved her. After she calmed down, she turned her head and looked at me.
"Everything I have ever done has been for you. I will always love you, Jasper," she whispered against my lips.
"I love you too, Ali!" I kissed her lightly, gently running my tongue along hers.
Alice turned in my embrace again and we stayed there for the rest of the night. When the dawn approached, we could see the sun started to shine. We sat there and watched it as it rose in the east, the sky changing from light pink to an impressive blue. The color reminded me of my mother's eyes. There wasn't much I remembered about her, but that color was one I would never forget.
About ten o'clock Alice finally spoke. "Hey, Jazz, do you want to go to our spot by the river?"
"Sure, Ali, lets go. I can do with some fresh air and sunshine."
"Okay, let's go." Alice grabbed my hand in a death grip.
It took us about twenty minutes to get there. When we finally arrived Alice ran her fingers over my hand and squeezed one more time before letting go. Alice turned from me and made her way over to the boulder she loved to sit on. I could feel her sadness coming back. It was coming so fast I was having a hard time keeping up.
I looked over at her and watched as she stared up at the sky. Her eyes were glistening with tears, and her skin was casting beautiful prisms of light. She looked like one of those crystal birds people place in the sunlight and they shot rainbows everywhere. Her hair was messed up from the run and from her fingers constantly running through it, but she looked just as beautiful as the day she picked me up.
"Alice, what's wrong? Why are you so sad? I feel like I am about to drown in your emotions!"
As I continued to stare at her, she asked me a question that came out of left field. I was still staggering from her emotions.
"Jazz, do you believe every person has a destiny, a purpose for being on this earth? Do you think you were created for a reason, that a certain person was placed in a time and moment that would lead you down your chosen path? That a culmination of these events and moments makes you into the person you were always meant to be?"
I was beyond confused. I didn't understand what she wanted from me. I decided to answer her honestly. I knew before we left here today I would be getting an answer to my concerns.
"I truly don't know, Alice. I believe that we were created for the time we were placed in. I'm not sure about each moment and every event in our lives. I believe there is an overall plan for our lives and we choose the path we want to take, and it leads us to that overall goal. I knew when you approached me in that diner in Philadelphia, my life would change. I may not have known what purpose and role you were going to play in my life, but I knew it was going to be big. That purpose was for me to love you, Ali. You completely changed my life for the better. You brought me to this lifestyle and to the Cullen's. You and they completed my life in ways that will never change. Remember what you first said to me when I entered that diner?" she didn't answer me, but I knew she would never forget.
"You said 'What took you so long'," I imitated her in that moment from long ago.
Alice laughed in between her sobs and I could tell she was close to losing it again. I was barely holding on. She was oppressing me with her emotions. Her love was breaking my strength. Her sadness was breaking my heart. Her determination was breaking my sprit, and her resignation was breaking my hold on reality.
Something needed to be done soon. I wasn't sure how much longer I could last. So many tears gathered in her eyes that I could see my reflection in them. I needed to hold her, this sadness needed to leave her.
As I approached her, she held her tiny hand up and halted my progress. I was starting to become frustrated. I wanted to help her, but she wouldn't let me. My soul was calling for me to comfort her.
"Alice, please," I pleaded with her. I was breaking under the weight of her emotions, "I can't take this shit anymore, just tell me what is going on," I whispered.
I wasn't mad at her, but at the situation. I couldn't take her anguish anymore; I just wanted my happy sprite back. Alice sat up and looked at me one last time before she completely broke me.
"Jasper, I'm sorry," she sobbed, "It's over!"
Author's Note: This is going to be my first full length Jasper/Bella story. The idea to this story popped into my head one night and wouldn't leave me the hell alone until I wrote it down. That night I wrote a rough draft of the first two chapters. This is going to be a long story about Jasper and the struggles he goes through on his journey to self discovery. I wanted to explore Jasper's character and how one decision from someone else can change a person's life. The majority of this story will be told in Jasper's POV, with some intermissions of Bella's POV. I am so excited to share this story. This is going to be the first full length story I have written and I can say without a doubt I am scared shitless. So please if you don't like it or find problems with it I will welcome your comments. Just please write them in a respectful way. Thank you so much in advance for taking the time to read and I hope you enjoy. If you are ever confused or have any questions please feel free to ask.
Edited: Friday, 21 January 2011