Title: Now, Voyager

Pairing: Brian/Justin

Spoilers: Through US Season 2

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Cowlip, Showtime, and maybe even Russell T. Davies, but not to me.

Rating: Parts 1-3 are R for language and part 4 is def NC-17

My thanks to the fabulous Desdema for putting up with my terrifying grammar and for all of her incredible feedback.

The untold want, by life and land ne'er granted,

Now, Voyager, sail thou forth to seek and find.

~Walt Whitman

Return of the King

Brian watched as Justin walked up to the bar, smile plastered across his face, body casual, as if this were an everyday event. As if it hadn't been months since his last visit to Babylon.

Emmett was perched at the end of the bar, pieces of the feather boa draped around his neck drifting all around him as he sipped a cosmo and laughed at something Michael must have said. Ted stood off to the side of their little group, his eyes hazy, his skin beading with sweat. Brian knew that look. It seemed to him that good old Theodore had gone down the rabbit hole. He wondered, briefly, if Emmett knew how far gone his boyfriend was. He probably did, Emmett was smarter than most people gave him credit for. Brian was not most people though, and felt a pang of something like sympathy crawl under his skin. He liked Emmett and tough times were certainly ahead of the man, but that was Emmett's problem to deal with on another day. Tonight they were supposed to be celebrating.

Ben had written an article on steroids and HIV that some publisher's assistant had read which had led to an advance for a book that would be written by the end of the year. Brian just hoped that somewhere in the fucking thing there would be an apology for the scar that now ran across his shoulder. He deserved it.

Lifting the remains of his beer to his lips, his eyes followed the scene that was playing out before him. Justin had come up to Emmett first and with all the squealing going on, they could be mistaken for two little girls seeing each other after a summer apart. Ted came up behind them, like a corpse reaching out from the grave. He patted Justin on the shoulder as a hello but didn't speak or smile, Brian noticed. Justin didn't seem to though; he was already offering congratulations up to Ben. The boy just couldn't fucking stop with the gushing, how amazing Ben was, how incredibly brave he was to just put it all out there for the whole world to learn from, some bullshit about Ben being a true hero. He was laying it on so thick, Michael was even smiling at Justin. It was nauseating.

Brian wondered where the boyfriend was as he pushed away from the bar and started scanning the crowd. He felt Justin's hand land on his forearm before he heard the words.

"Hey Brian."


He looked down at the kid for a moment, and it was already too much. He took one step and then another before throwing a look over his shoulder and saying, "Later."

He didn't wait for a reply.


The backroom was a bust. He had scored a half a tab of E, but there hadn't been anyone worth fucking. He slowly made his way back to the bar, coming up behind Michael and wrapping his arms tightly around his best friend's body.

"Wanna dance?" He asked, his arms loosening slightly, his body relaxing and becoming more alive all at the same time. Without waiting he turned back into the throng of people, knowing that Mikey would follow him.

They danced for hours, or maybe just 15 minutes, Brian wasn't really sure. But suddenly Ben was there, whispering into Mikey's ear, pulling him away and taking him home to tuck into bed.

Brian was alone again.

He scanned the crowd wondering if everyone had gone. Emmett and Ted were no longer at the bar. Brian figured that Emmett had probably wanted Ted away from all of them before he started to shake with need. Smart man.

That only left one person unaccounted for, and that person was the one that Brian absolutely needed to know the whereabouts of. His eyes jumped around the room for a few moments, the lights catching his attention every once in a while and distracting him. He couldn't seem to find Justin. Perhaps he had gone home too.

Satisfied, Brian went back to dancing and, like a bad penny, Justin turned up.

He was dancing with two other guys, his eyes shut tight and his body moving like liquid between them. The lights reflected off his hair and his skin was glowing as if there were small lights under its surface.

Brian thought he had to be pretty high to think that.

He moved without thinking, pressing through the slick bodies around him until Justin was close enough to touch. He reached out and pulled on Justin's hand, drawing him over until they were face to face, their bodies moving together as if this were normal. As if now was still then.

"Hey Brian."

Blue eyes looked up at him, no questions, and no fears. They were shining in the lights.


Justin looked happy, he thought. Justin is happy.

It was a little upsetting.

He wrapped his arms around Justin's neck, his fingers toying with the longer hair he now had.

"Your hair got long," he mumbled into the side of Justin's head.

Justin pulled back, cupping his ear, while asking, "What?"

Brian shook his head to say it didn't matter and pulled the boy back against him, his fingers returning to their new favorite pastime.

The music was thumping loudly and the floor sent vibrations up Brian's legs, until they felt moderately numb, like a gentle case of pins and needles was starting up behind his knees. The lights swirled through the darkened space, blues and reds spinning over walls and tops of heads. The air was full of sweat and felt heavy in Brian's lungs. It was hot, his pants were damp with sweat, his shirt was soaked through, and beads of perspiration were running down his arms and face. His fingers were wet from the sweat running through the under-layers of Justin's hair. He wanted to lick them.

He watched as the other side of the room was engulfed by a slowly drifting fog. The sharp, cold mist was being released from above, providing relief to the dancing men below. Many of them reached their arms up as if they could embrace it.

The music started to blend into a new song and Brian lost the beat he had been trying to follow. Pulling Justin closer, his hands ran down Justin's sides until they rested on his hips, his body attempting to absorb this new rhythm from the movements of his partner. Eyeing Justin, he saw amusement creeping into the other man's features and started to pull away. Justin's hands reached out and gently brought him back. He pressed his mouth up against Brian's ear and said, "Just follow me."

Who was Brian to refuse?

He relaxed into the sway of Justin's body, one leg pressed between the younger man's, his hands tracing familiar paths over a back that used to press against his chest in sleep. His head nuzzled into Justin's, foreheads pressing together, breath flowing out of one mouth and into the other. Justin's breath was tinged with tequila, and Brian wanted nothing more than to taste him.

He didn't though.

Justin was breathing heavily, his mouth slightly parted, his eyes resting on Brian's lips; the fingers of his left hand were feather light against the back of Brian's neck, while the others were busy tracing patterns over Brian's heart. It was too much and not enough. That had always been their problem.

Brian felt pain and elation flowing through his body. It had been so long since they had really touched. His senses were on overdrive, the E recording every movement onto his skin like a razor cutting lines. He could feel everything but wanted to feel more than he was allowed to.

The two men were wrapped around each other tightly, but Brian kept pressing closer, as if it were truly possible he could merge them into one. Every gap and space that appeared was mocking in his mind, he wanted to absorb Justin and the E made him think it was just within reach.

When Justin pulled away, it felt like the front half of his body was sliced off. The air came rushing in and he thought he felt thousands of needles pricking at his insides. He reached for Justin, not ready to let him go.

Justin stood before him, arms raised above his head. He was staring up with an expression of rapture. It stopped Brian in his tracks. He had forgotten that people could look like that. He had forgotten that Justin often did.

He took a step forward, reaching out to take back what was rightfully his, and Justin returned to him easily.

"It feels good, doesn't it?" Justin called out.

Brian was caught by the question. Should he admit it, should he let the kid in on one more secret?

Before Brian had decided, Justin spoke again. "Is this new? I don't remember them having it?"

Brian was confused until he looked up and saw that the fog was being released above them. Justin was talking about the coolness of the fucking fog.

Maybe it was time to go home.

But then Justin was pulling him close again and Brian noticed the fog drifting into all of the places they couldn't physically fill. They were cocooned by it, alone in their space, only shadows remaining of the people dancing around them.

Brian ran his hands down Justin's back until they lightly rested on that perfect ass. He pushed Justin into him, pressing the man against his erection. He wanted Justin to know what he was feeling, it would be okay for him to know here. He was surprised when Justin lightly rotated his hips against him, letting Brian feel how hard he had also become. Brian reached up for Justin's face, cradling him in his hands. He pressed his cheek to the side of Justin's head and suddenly remembered the last time he had held him like that. The words he had spoken ran through his mind in a whisper, It's your call where you want to be…At the time he had been proud not to have said what he wanted. His defenses had been in full swing, he had controlled himself beautifully. The same could not be said of him right now.

At that moment, if Justin had asked, Brian might have told him anything.

But Justin wasn't in a talking mood. And neither was Brian.

Inhaling deeply, he pulled his head back and looked at Justin, really looked. He saw the flush of his face, the lazy arousal in his eyes, the perfect mouth lightly rounded as if a moan was somewhere nearby. He swept his thumb across those lips and believed.

He could do this. He could take him home tonight.

Would it be any different this time? He didn't really fucking care.

Leaning in, he pressed his lips to Justin's forehead. He waited for Justin to tell him to stop, but Justin's head just tilted slightly up, his nose trailing up Brian's neck before it drew a small circle on his chin.

Brian traced the tip of his nose down until it rubbed against Justin's. For a moment they stood there, breathing together, anticipation building like a thunderstorm. Brian felt the need surging inside him, painful in its intensity. He had never wanted something so badly in his life.

So he took it.

Their mouths were tentative at first, open lips brushing hello. Brian pulled Justin's lower lip into his mouth, sucking on it before letting it slide out and away. He was in no hurry but Justin ran his hand behind Brian's neck and urged him onwards. Their lips came together, and Justin's tongue slid into Brian's mouth and made itself at home.

The kiss started with a casual passion; no one watching would have guessed it had been six months since their last one. It didn't stay that way for long.

Brian's arms began wrapping around the younger man, his hands pulling the hem of Justin's shirt up, until they were running over bare skin. He pressed his fingers into flesh, leaving trail marks wherever they traveled. Justin was clutching Brian's head with his hands, grabbing small fistfuls of hair, not letting him pull away. Their mouths were open to each other, tongues running in and out, slipping around teeth and gums, toying and tasting what they had lost. When Brian felt his teeth knocking into Justin's, he pressed harder. He just needed more.

Brian hadn't kissed anyone since Justin had left him. Now he remembered why.

His fingers lightened on Justin's back and he used his fingernails to draw wide circles down his back, just the way the boy had always liked him to. He felt shivers running through the blond's body, and when Brian ran his nails up Justin's sides, he felt the man laugh into his mouth. Justin's hands slowly released their grip, allowing Brian's head to move more freely. He started running them over and under Brian's shoulders, down his chest, around his back. They traveled everywhere, relearning their way around a familiar landscape.

When they finally broke the kiss, the fog had lifted. Resting their foreheads together they tried to catch their breath. Justin's hands rubbed Brian's back reassuringly as Brian's fingers tangled in blond hair.

"Come home with me." Brian said into the young man's ear.

Justin's breath caught and his hand stilled.

Brian's tongue ran along the outer rim of his ear before continuing, "I wanna fuck you all night."

Justin's arms slowly released the man and he stepped back.

"I can't."

Brian felt a jolt of anger run through him as he took a small step back. Looking up at Justin, he slowly nodded. It wasn't his call.

"I'm sorry," Justin said quietly, forcing Brian to rely on his lip reading abilities.

"Sorry's bullshit," he responded, enunciating clearly so Justin wouldn't miss it.

They stood there for a moment longer. Unsure of what to do or say, they continued to hold firm against the bodies moving around them.

Brian was the first to move, he just wanted to leave. He would find some trick, pound the shit out of him, and then go home. He took another step back.

"See you around Sunshine."

The last thing Brian saw on Justin's face before he turned and walked away was regret.

Brian smiled to himself. The kid was still his.