Fun With Your Clothes On One-Shot Contest

Title: Baby, It's Cold Outside

Your pen name: NelsonSmandela

Characters: ExB

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Dude, please don't read this if you're under 18. Or if you are, please don't tell me. I will die 1,000 deaths. I'm already so embarrassed this came out of my brain.

To see other entries in the Fun With Your Clothes On Contest, please visit the C2 page:



Edward Cullen was freezing his balls off.

He hoisted his newly purchased shovel onto his shoulder as he walked home from work. Seattle had been sluggish to emerge from an extremely icy winter, the result of a massive and relentless weather system from the Great White North. Thankfully, taking the commuter train to the hospital every morning meant Edward avoided the snarled morass of cars moving at a snail's pace to avoid sliding and crashing into each other on the highways.

Seattle covered in ice was not a new sight for him. Nor were the snow flurries that had come pouring out of the sky this week. However, when the snow started to pile up without respite, the city had turned into an unfamiliar wonderland. Snowfall surpassing a few inches in depth was a very foreign experience. Residents had flooded the stores for rarely needed implements: shovels, scrapers, and even sleds.

As he neared the 1940s bungalow he and his new wife had recently purchased, he paused to look up at the sky. Snowflakes were falling thickly, blotting out all of the stars from sight. As Edward unlatched the small gate to his new home, he smiled as he noticed Bella had gotten curtains up in the windows. She had been toiling endlessly since the wedding and the move to make the little starter house livable, and seeing it with the snow falling softly around and knowing Bella was inside, Edward couldn't think of anything more charming.

Before he headed in, he tested out the new shovel by clearing the driveway behind Bella's car so the drifts in the morning wouldn't be impossible to clear. The snow was already 12 inches deep and showed no signs of stopping throughout the night. He guessed the temperature to be in the low 30s, but the harsh wind was already whipping up ruthlessly, sending snow flying and making it feel much colder.

His nose running slightly from his exertion in the cold wind, Edward finally unlocked the front door and stomped in, taking the time to kick the snow off his boots so he wouldn't melt into a giant puddle in the foyer. Upon entering, he froze — almost literally — as he realized it was barely warmer than outside had been. It was also pitch black in the hall.

"Bella, are you in here? Why is it fricking FREEZING in here?" he bellowed. Walking into the living room — carefully, so as not to trip over any of the moving boxes he knew were strewn about — he saw candles lit on nearly every surface, though the fireplace was cold and dark. He strode over to the thermostat, noting the temperature in the room read well below 50 degrees.

"Edward!" was the sound from their bedroom, a voice not excited but filled with consternation. He heard shuffling, and Bella appeared before him, teeth chattering. "The thermostat isn't working. I've tried everything and pushed every button, but it's like the wires just aren't connected," she said, frustrated.

"I'm sorry, hon." He kissed her, his lips lingering over her shaking ones, his hands rubbing up and down her upper arms to create friction to warm her.

"Mmm. I've been waiting to do that all day," he admitted.

"Your nose is so cold, Edward," she complained, and he found the sound far more fetching than he should have. He stood back a little and took in her appearance fully.

"Bella … what on earth are you wearing?" Edward asked incredulously. She stood sheepishly before him at least six inches wider from the many layers of shirts, sweaters, ski pants, and what looked like Charlie's old woolen socks. A fair-isle hat spelling out FORKS in giant green letters complete with earflaps, long ties, and a giant green pompon topped the ensemble.

Edward resisted the urge to laugh successfully.

"I can't find the box with the blankets," she said frantically, jumping up and down a little and looking a little like a child who needed the bathroom.

Edward snorted but stifled the laugh as it threatened to burst out. He cleared his throat.

"It's far too cold in here. Why didn't you start a fire, love?" he asked patiently.

Bella's cheeks blushed her embarrassment.

"I … didn't know how. We had a fireplace in Phoenix, but it was controlled by a switch on the wall," she admitted sheepishly.

This time Edward laughed out loud.


When he'd returned from the woodshed, stacked logs with some crumpled newspaper and old pine straw, and figured out the ancient flue on the chimney, Edward finally got the fire lit and sufficiently stoked. He added some eucalyptus branches they'd dried in the fall from the woodshed, and the smoky perfume filled the air around them. The room warmed a few degrees as he shoved their couch closer to the fire and motioned Bella over.

"The curtains look great," he said, now that he could admire them in the candlelit room.

"I would've done more, but I spent most of the day at Home Depot, and when I got home it was freezing in here, so I spent the rest of the day looking for the candles," she said, shrugging.

"It's slowly warming up in here," Edward said, and Bella's arched eyebrow expressed her disagreement. He stifled another chuckle at his cold-blooded wife. "Maybe we can remove some of these layers," he said, staring down at her well-padded form. "Where did you get — are these ski pants?" he asked.

"We went skiing as part of my senior trip in high school," Bella confirmed. "Why I could find my old ski outfits, but not one blanket, is beyond me, though." she said, frustrated. "I was one step from putting on a parka when you came in."

"Well, I think you look very charming," Edward laughed, and his eyes caught again on the garish hat. He grinned ear to ear.

"What is it?" Bella asked, her hand flying to her head self-consciously.

"You wore that hat in college." His voice sounded just a little husky, Bella noted.

"Oh God," Bella laughed and cringed. "This hat — which was made by Renee in one of her short-lived crafting phases, I might add — is, I'm sure, the most grotesque piece of knitwear ever created. Look, the white yarn is sparkly. Sparkly!" She thrust her head toward him.

"Then why are you wearing it?" Edward laughed.

"The earflaps."

Edward's green eyes glazed over a little as he brought up a memory.

"It was around Christmastime, and almost this cold," he said. "I remember, you were wearing it on the quad while everyone was standing around drinking cocoa, and then later at a Kappa house party, I saw you wearing it, with a short skirt and tights. I think I wondered all night why a ski hat would say the word 'forks' on it; I had no idea it was where you came from." He smiled at her. "I thought you had some strange attachment to cutlery."

"Edward, I wore this hat only ONCE as a freshman, and only because it was so cold that night my ears felt like they would fall off," Bella said, flustered. "I went and bought a new one at Walmart the next day to avoid public humiliation." She sat up straighter, and a little divot appeared between her eyebrows as she processed. "Edward, that was Christmas of my freshman year. I didn't meet you until that Brit Lit class in the spring."

"I know." Now it was Edward's turn to blush as his head dipped downward. "It was the first time I noticed you. I thought you were cute," he said, shrugging almost shyly. "It took me a few days in class to place you as 'cute Forks hat girl,' but once I did, I made sure we were properly introduced." His eyes sparked a little at hers, and Bella's breath caught in her throat. The memory had strangely moved her, and for a moment she thought she might tear up.

"Thank you for getting to know me," she said softly. "I know I didn't make it easy. And you were so cute, I don't know how I ever strung two words together around you at all." She smiled at him sweetly. "I still don't," she said even more quietly.

"You were just shy," Edward said generously. He smiled at her crookedly, and his eyes were so kind Bella's heart stuttered.

Then his lips were on hers again, and at least the inside of his mouth was warm as he leaned her back against the arm of the sofa, his body covering hers. His hands moved up her sides, barely brushing her clothed breasts as his tongue lapped at hers. He had touched her intimately hundreds of times, but something about the innocence of his movements over her clothing made her heart jump into her throat.

He flicked open button on her ski pants. "These things are ridiculous," he muttered against her lips, smiling again.

Bella struggled to reconnect to her brain.

"Uhh … what do you think you're doing?" she protested.

His eyes opened to hers, his expression sheepish. "Um … trying to score?"

"Edward, will you please stop trying to take my clothes off? Have we not established it's frigid in here?"

He grinned impishly. "I can make you warm." He took a deep breath, opened his mouth and placed it against the crotch of her pants, and breathed a long, gusty lungful of hot air right against her. Bella half-laughed, half-shuddered from the sensation and the feel of his mouth pressing against her most private parts. He moved back up her body slowly, sensuously rubbing against her, and she felt him hard against her leg. His lips pressed into hers, and he sucked on her lower lip gently.

"Bella," he said as well as he could with their lips still connected. He leaned back minutely and his eyes were intense as he looked into hers. "Do you know what I wanted to do to you when I first saw you in that hat, seven years ago?" he asked, smiling wickedly.

Bella's eyes grew wide, and she could hardly find her voice to respond.

He continued: "I couldn't stop staring because you looked so adorable and absurd in your little denim skirt and woolly hat in the freezing cold. I wanted to grab you by the hand, lead you back behind the dorms, and press you up against the brick." He paused to kiss her jawline, which he knew from experience would make her shiver — not from cold, but from desire. "Then I wanted to pull that skirt up around your waist, put your leg over my shoulder, and ravage you with my mouth." He grinned at her.

"You didn't want to have sex with me?" she asked, and he knew she was teasing him.

"No, of course not. We would only have just met. I'm respectful," he said, bending his head to the side of her face, his chestnut hair softly brushing against her. "Would you have let me?" he whispered in her ear, and she shivered again, clenching up. Her heart was pounding in her ears.

"Unh-uh, definitely not if it was this cold," she said, turning her head to the side and egging him on. "There was no way those tights would've come off." She rubbed her hands up the front of his sweater, scratching him through the wool before shoving her hands up underneath and lightly dragging her nails down through the fine hair on his chest. She felt him break out in goosebumps, and she moved her hands around to his strong back, repeating the motions the way she knew he liked. He fairly purred.

"I bet I could've worked around the tights," he said, pausing to take her earlobe in his lips. "Or ripped through them."

"Edward…?" Bella said uncertainly as he laid soft kisses on her cheek and ear. He hummed a reply. "Will you try to find us a blanket or something? My hands and toes are still freezing. But you're definitely helping. Just ... please?"

Sighing, he extricated himself and disappeared into the hallway. When he came back he was clutching a large mass of fleece in what looked like leopard print.

"I don't know where we got this, or what it is, but it looks warm?" he said uncertainly. Bella laughed.

"I think my grandma gave me that for my last birthday. It's a Snuggie."

"It looks like a giant ugly bathrobe with no tie."


Holding the offensive blanket-garment out to Bella, he slid it onto her arms and brought the sides around back of her.

"There, now you're at least 10% warmer. By the way, you look like Joey on that episode of Friends where he steals all Chandler's clothes," he chuckled. Then he stopped laughing and his eyes pierced her. "Where were we?" And he jumped onto the couch, lifted the far end of the Snuggie, and thrust himself underneath and up against her.

Thankfully, this was a large Snuggie, so both of them fit, as long as Bella held her arms around him, which she happily did.

Edward moved back up and slid his fingers inside the neckline of her turtleneck and pulled it downward, the fabric stretching and threads snapping in protest. He yanked again and shoved his face against the narrow sliver of exposed skin, trying desperately to reach her collarbone with wet kisses. A growl of frustration left his throat as he let go and the fabric rebounded. He leaned back, examined her many layers, and took another route, shoving his entire head and a hand up under the hem of her shirts. Bella giggled.

His hand touched delicate silk and lace and ribbon.

"Bella, what is this — are you wearing lingerie under everything?" He removed his head, leaned out, and tugged on her bottom-most layer, part of a vintage-looking peach teddy, a never-used wedding present.

"Renee told me I should layer silk underneath because it's the warmest." She shrugged. "It was the only thing I had?"

Edward's head fell against her lower abdomen as he shook with laughter.

"God, I love you." And his head ducked back under all the layers before she could respond. He wormed his way up her body like a moth struggling in a cocoon. Bella tried rather unsuccessfully to stop from laughing at the sight of the six-foot man writhing around her. Once in, he reached up and yanked the lingerie down to the underwire below her breasts, and then his mouth was on her, his tongue stroking and pulsing. Once she was taut in his mouth he applied his teeth very, very gently. Bella gasped, her muscles contracting at the sensation as she felt dangerously close to heaven.

He brought his head back out, gulping in a few lungfuls of fresh air.

"How are we doing down here?" His voice was soft like velvet touching her skin. "Still frigid?" he teased, applying more warm breaths at the apex of her thighs. He then traced the inseam of her pants with a long finger, pressing the heel of his hand against her when he reached the top. He gently moved his hand in a circular motion until Bella's breath became ragged, and she clutched at his sweater, pulling him towards her.

"Ready to get naked yet?" he said playfully, pushing his hand all the way up her body, into the hair at the base of her neck and snarling it in his fingers, tugging gently.

"Mm, definitely not," Bella said languid from his caresses, but determined. "I think we've established that I'm not that easy. Besides, if you take off my clothes, my teeth will chatter so hard it'll be like I'm vibrating."

"That doesn't sound so bad to me," Edward teased, groping her breasts roughly over her shirt. "So ... after I'd defiled you with my mouth against the wall behind my dorm, I would've done anything to get you back to my room," he continued, "where I would have coerced you into my bed using whatever means necessary."

"Mm, like what?" Bella prompted. He slid his hands up under her shoulder blades, bringing them up and around the tops of her shoulders, then thrusted his pelvis hard against hers. Rather than putting a damper on their embrace, the layers between them only enhanced the sensation, seams on seams, corduroy on nylon. She actually came up off the couch as her back arched beneath him involuntarily.

"Oh, I would've shown you just how much I could make you feel without taking off any of your clothes," he said archly as his mouth closed over hers hungrily, his tongue moving against hers.

A dance between the two played out: Edward's hands moved against Bella's breasts hard as she thrust her hips up into his. The backs of her feet moved against his calves as he moved his hips around until he found just the right point of contact that elicited a low moan. He concentrated on that spot, repeating his motions over and over as he felt them both nearing climax. It had been so long since the two had been in this position, fully clothed. He realized how much more he knew every inch of her body now, all of the secret places that brought her to the edge. He gripped her thigh roughly, then slid his hand up to her knee, digging in his fingers under her kneecap as much as was possible given her attire, which elicited a sigh from her, and then hitched her leg up over his hip. She bucked her hips upward, begging for more contact. He altered his course slightly, aiming for where he knew she was aching for him. Her eyes were squeezed shut, her mouth open in pleasure.

Bella felt as though she'd been stripped nude and laid before Edward. It was so different from the fervent but inexperienced touches in the beginning of their relationship that she remembered. She reveled in the intimacy of his familiarity as his lips sought the skin right under her left ear, tonguing it until she moaned and turned her head to him, reclaiming his mouth. He thrust against her with abandon now, grunting low, and she knew he was close. "There," she told him gently when he found the spot she needed him to hit. She threw her head back, relishing the feeling as her hands ran down to his ass, squeezing it through his pants.

She stretched against him, and he grabbed the long ties of her hat to force her head back down, her lips crushing against his, hot and wet, their tongues moving in the natural rhythm only they knew. Every muscle in her body was tight and alert as Edward pushed against her even harder, sweat beading on his forehead. Her breaths grew shallower and shallower, her pulse racing as finally, finally her legs shook from the release, her body spasming again and again, and he was coming against her, grunting and whispering in her ear that she was beautiful, how much he wanted her, loved her.

"Well, that's a first," Bella said, panting up at the ceiling as he collapsed on top of her, both of them spent, for the moment.

"What is?" Edward asked inquisitively, turning onto his side to face her. Her cheeks were pink from their little romp. "You and me … you know … at the same time," she said, and Edward noticed her cheeks got a little redder. He found it adorable.

"Was it really?" he asked, as he rested his head back on his elbow, his face smug. "I guess we'll have to wait to get the thermostat fixed." And he winked as Bella finally, finally began to remove her clothing.


Thanks for reading, lovelies! Many thanks to Philadelphic for being a love and giving helpful suggestions, to (the)Adoraklutz for serving as beta and constructive crit-giver, and to Feisty Y. Beden because I loff her hard. ^_^