Short but sweet, I knows. I've found that I absolutely love writing Bleach crack, so here it is. ^.^ This would take place sometime in Volume One, just to put a timeline on here.
And yes, I love Rukia. :3
" Ichigo, my blockheaded strawberry sumnabitch, you made the toothpaste missing again ! "
The last words of his father from the day echoed through Ichigo Kurosaki's head as he laid on his bed. Everything had grown to weirdness beyond any normal level in the past week. His father drove him to the point of wearing earplugs, Karin was acting more and more like a dude, and it seemed like piles of pancakes just flew out of Yuzu's hands every morning. Even Orihime at school was stupidly jiggling her boobs more frequently. At first he thought it was some flu virus going around, but he quickly learned to know better.
It was her, that serpent-tongued Soul Reaper Rukia Kuchiki, that brought moronic vibes to Karakura Town. Only knowing her for a week, Ichigo still thought that her soul reaping duties were just a cover-up for being an alien. Anything normal to him was foreign to her. Sure, he had seen those so-called Hollows with his own eyes, but anything could be digitally-altered. What looked like a blood-thirsty monster trying to beat and devour the hell out of Orihime could actually just be Chad trying to promote his stereotypical Mexican food.
And now the damn toothpaste was gone. Again. With a heavy sigh Ichigo knew he should check up on Rukia, since she was conveniently taking up residence inside his closet.
He strode over to the closet and flung open the door. Rukia was already dressed in the pair of pajamas that she had stolen from Yuzu, happily sucking on something from what looked like a tube. Ichigo furrowed his eyebrows at the sight. " Hey," he said gruffly.
Rukia looked up from her project and glared at her ill-tempered host. " Didn't your mother ever tell you to knock before opening a door on someone ? " she snapped.
" My mother's dead, thank you very much, " Ichigo retorted, snorting, " and my dad's a loudmouthed retard. "
" Hmph. Well, then, shut the door and go away. "
Ichigo would've obliged had his eyes not have drifted to the closet's insides. Under Rukia's feet were discarded tubes of toothpaste. Flustered, his eyes looked up at the tube that Rukia held in her small, bony hands and snatched it from her. " What the hell, Ichigo ?! Give that back ! "
It was like Karin's klepto problem coming out of her system tenfold all over again. Ichigo shook the tube of toothpaste in his fist like a dead snake. " You're the one who's been stealing our toothpaste ?! " he demanded. " A big, scary alien like you ?! "
" I told you, I'm not a fucking alien ! " Rukia hissed. " And I thought that was astronaut food ! I need sustenance off and on, too, ya know. Asshole. "
This had completely thrown Ichigo off his guard. Not being called an asshole, as that was actually one of his crown achievements that he took pride in at school, but of the astronaut remark. " You so-called Soul Reapers actually know about astronauts ? "
" Duh. We're not morons, you know. We do our soul reaping duties in space, too. " Rukia rolled her eyes, and it took all of Ichigo's power to not smack the woman into next century. She snatched the tube back from him and deliberately started to chew on the tip of it, sending him into an even greater lunatic frenzy. " I've also been trying to look for some Tang late at night, but you must be hiding it somewhere. Probably why your hair turned orange. "
" Hey, I'm not an astronaut ! And that is not astronaut food ! " Ichigo exclaimed, pointing at the toothpaste.
" Prove it. "
Imaginary smoke came out of Ichigo's ears. Those were the two words that he had uttered to the Soul Reaper when he first accused her of being an alien. Rukia had done everything to prove her pseudo-humanity, from paying for his scowl injections to doing clumsy handstands. Of course, that was all done pointlessly, as in the end Ichigo still didn't believe her, but it was funny at the time.
But now irony had decided to bite him in the ass with a vengeance, and he pawed for the toothpaste in fury. Rukia smirked, mockingly holding it above Ichigo's head. If the Devil wasn't Rukia Kuchiki, then he hoped that someone would take pity on him whenever he entered Hell. Her toothy grin was indeed one of a demon's. " Ohh, you think you're such a toughie ? Huh ? Huh ? "
Two masculine hands gripped the sides of her throat, and she squeaked angrily, dropping the tube. " You blockheaded son of a bitch ! You're not supposed to strangle a girl in an anime series ! "
" Yeah ? Well, tell that to Tuxedo Mask ! "
Ichigo banged the girl against the linens. All of that anger management money had gone down the drain in a matter of seconds. Rukia slowly grabbed the top of his pants with one hand and tugged on them. If this wasn't a cry of sexual innuendo, then all of those fudged-up golfers would be saints. Unfortunately, it just seemed like a cry of sexual innuendo, as the Soul Reaper's eyebrows furrowed. " I'm gonna tell you right now to wisely let me go, " she snarled, gasping for air.
" I've got all night, baby. "
He banged her again. Rukia's grip tightened on his pants. " I'm not bullshitting you, Kurosaki. Let. Me. Go. "
" No, " Ichigo retorted with the same tone of voice.
" Whatever. It's your funeral. " Pause. " KYYYYAAAAAAH ! "
With a swift motion of the leg Rukia kicked Ichigo where it hurt the most for him. Gigai or not, that kick was probably twice as powerful as an AK-47. Tears swelled up around the boy's eyes, and he bit his lip as he slowly released Rukia and clutched for his privates. He wisely slid to the floor, reached for the toothpaste, and handed it to Rukia. " Here ya go, " he mumbled weakly.
" Thank you, Ichigo, " Rukia said sweetly.
And she slammed the door on him.
* * * * *
Yuzu smacked a newspaper against Ichigo's head, causing him to go face-forward in his bowl of oatmeal. His five-pound bag of ice fell to the floor with a thud. " You're so wasteful ! " she scolded, picking up the icebag. " Don't you know that Al Gorn warns of the catastrophes involving water wastage ? "
Ichigo wiped the oatmeal off his face and rolled his eyes. His sister's obsession with that fratboy American Al Gore had to be stopped, but it would have to wait. He shook his head. " Sorry, Yuzu. Didn't know that Al Gore didn't get mauled by Sasquatch and Bigfoot and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles yet. "
" Okay, okay, I'm sorry. "
Karin snickered. " So, what happened last night, Ichigo ? Bathroom antics gone wrong ? "
The boy moaned. He knew the answer to Karin's question, and he stated it bluntly. " No one brushes their teeth for a month. "