Jeremy's Journal

Tuesday, 3am

Once again I'm wide awake.

Clay's finally gone to sleep. I keep thinking that perhaps if I had of known, if I had of reacted differently…then maybe…maybe then…things would be different now.

Waiting for time to mend this part of me, that keeps on breaking.

I've done everything to keep him busy, to keep myself busy.

Newspapers I throw away, Wash the dishes in the sink

I feel like I've let them both down. I'm second guessing all my moves. There are just too many 'what if's' that are keeping me awake.

3am, on Tuesday
I have to much time to think.

Clay thought that Elena was coming home this weekend for Christmas. He even made sure that we decorated and got a tree. He stood near a window all day with a look that said he new he was kidding himself, with eyes that gleamed with hope.

She didn't show

God, I wish I new what to say to make him feel better…to tell him what he needs to hear like I always have in the past. I wish I could tell him that I don't think she's coming back…That their relationship will never go back to the way it was…

I could call out to heaven I could crawl down through hell
Nothing will
change the way the way things are, and nothing every will

I hear him. I hear his pain and sorrow that he only lets out after he changes. He tries to run until his legs give out and he can't breath, then he calls her name in a language very few know and the rest have forgotten. Then he comes back in the morning and goes to her room without saying a word. I see him later in the day but neither of us talk about it, neither of us can.

He thinks I can't hear him cry
And I pretend
that I don't know all about the 3 am's he spend wrestling with your ghost.

This morning his anguish woke me up. I cant seem to sleep very well, his feelings are too evident through the walls. This morning was different though, I heard him calling Elena's name and talking to himself. I'm afraid he's losing his mind…When he was in exile he lost a bit of himself but now…now that he's back he's not getting any better. I guess he thought things would go back to the way they were…how wrong he was…

He tortures himself during the day trying not to think of her, then goes to sit in her room to suffer, by himself, at night.

I hear him call out to heaven, I watch him crawl down through hell
He still can't get over you
I know he never will

'But I love her! I need her! I thought that you'd understand!'

I can still hear him from the cage. I wouldn't let him come with me to find her. It was a punishment, and one I don't think was very fair. If he had come we could have found her before the madness took root as much as it had.

'Please Jer, can I come out now?'

'I love her. She's my mate. I can't live without her.'

He's words hurt me more than anything I've had to deal with so far. More than Malcolm's words, or hatred ever had, more than any physical wound that's been inflicted.

I asked him what he was doing today.

He says he'll write Elena a letter explaining everything, begging her to come back, professing his love, and telling her he cant live without her.

A sweet gesture but he'll never send it. I know he wants to do it face to face, explain himself that is, sending his words in the mail would never be enough for him. But nothing he says will ever…can ever…

Nothing he says can bring you back
He's got nothing left to show

I finally walked in on him in Elena's bedroom. He was lying on the bed, his arms stretched out into the air, holding something silver which he was staring intently at.

I asked him about it to which he replied, 'It's a pocket watch. She gave it too me for Christmas…It's all I have left of her…'

But a pocket watch and memories

'She gave it too me the day after Christmas because she couldn't afford it with an inscription. She was so upset that it was a day late…' He paused.

'So I reassured her and kissed her softly, which made her smile and pull away.' There was so much pain in his voice, and then a sad smile twisted his lips.

'Then we both looked up and found that it was snowing'

He looked over at me then. His eyes were so deep and filled with sorrow, love, and loss…It all seemed so tragic.

'It was the first snowfall of the year…I don't think I have any better memories of snow…'

of a
kiss out in the snow

I didn't know what to say. 'that's lovely' didn't do it, 'please, please, please get over it Clay' would never leave my mouth. So I settled on walking over to the bed and lying down on it with him. I offered myself for whatever he needed of me, as I came to realize, I never had. He finally embraced me. And the damn finally broke.

He cried, he yelled and through it all I just lay there with him, holding him, and trying to make him feel that much better.

I don't recall ever seeing him cry, even as a boy…

I hear him call out to heaven, I watch him crawl down through hell
He still can't get over you
I know he never will

'She's coming Jer! I know it! I'll be outside waiting!'

'Clay, you could be out there for hours, you don't know when she'll even get here.'

I had shouted at him. No matter what I had said I don't think anything would have stopped him though. He needed this more than anything because, even though he no longer stayed in her room until the sun came up, I knew thoughts of her still haunted him and kept him up at night. I could still hear him, I could still notice the changes in him, I could still see the hole she left…

I hear him call out to heaven, I watch him crawl down through hell
He still can't get over you

'Elena's pregnant! Can you believe it!? God, I'm so happy Jer! She, really is the best thing to ever happen to me.'

I guess my sons going to be a father. Thanks to Elena he's been so much more than I could have ever hoped. A lover, a husband, and now a father…

'Why yes she is' I replied with a small smile. I now know that their love is boundless, timeless even. He loves her with all his heart, and always has. He will always love her and I'm happy for him. He'll never leave her, never hurt her, never stop loving her…

I know he never will.