while watching the first Solty Rei dvd again recently (which, sadly, is the only one i own), i thought, "wouldn't it be awesome to see Solty-chan demolishing monster butt-tocks with those powerful fists of hers in some video game?"

a few minutes and a few imaginative daydreams later, i felt inspired to write:

the world's first -- and probably the world's last -- Solty Rei / Quake crossover fic!

....whut?

yeah. like i said, probably the world's last. one-shot, too.


~ ~ ~ Splattered Tentacles ~ ~ ~

A Solty Rei / Quake One-Shot Crossover


Shub-Niggurath's Pit.

Septic tank of the netherworld.

A hideously discolored blotch on the clean sheets of the universe.

A festering hole of hell-vomit where the maggots wriggled contentedly amongst piles of unmentionable nastiness.

A forgotten dimension of stumbling horrors known as Shamblers and Vores -- mouldering, misshapen no-goodniks who spent eternity wandering about stupidly, hitting each other when they weren't thinking up evil things. Kinda like Congressmen.

And at the very heart of it all, in the center of a lake of fire that could burn an army of exorcists to ash, sat the tentacled fat-ass of filth Herself, Shub-Niggurath -- affectionately known as Hell-Mother by all of Her putrid offspring and the local PTA.

At the moment, Hell-Mama had Her tentacles up in curlers: massive concrete sewer pipes from HadesHair, sewage included. Meanwhile, one Shambler had grabbed another Shambler's meathook and was grinning and punching the other in the face with it.

"Stop hittin' yerself!" the one Shambler grunted. "Stop hittin' yerself! Stop hittin' yerself! Stop hit--"

Mama was not pleased. "Maggot-Boy!" she screeched in a horrid drawl more grating than 300 naggy housewives, "Quit'cher horsin' around with Gore-Butt an' fetch sum more brimstone fer th' lava pit! Then go throw all that Vore doo-doo in the Rotfish tank! They hasn't et yet!"

"Awww, Ma! Satanic Idol is gunna start in five minnits!" the Shambler whined.

"None o' yer lip, now git! And you, Gore-Butt! C'mere and rub mah back!"

The other Shambler sighed heavily as he shuffled toward Mama, leaping clumsily over the lava as he joined Her polluted beefiness on the dais. "How come the Vores never gots teh do no chores?" he grumbled.

"What's that yew's sayin'? That he'pin' yer poor ol' Mama teh feel better is a chore!? Besides, them Vores is stupider than a gaggle o' zombies on stupid pills. They cain't do nothin' but go 'Woogy woogy woogy!' an' scream like li'l girls that's lost they's hair ribbons!"

Speaking of little girls with no hair ribbons, suddenly through the slipgate leaped a young, green-haired girl in revealingly skintight orange spandex, her eyes flaring like an angry lion, her teeth gritted with determination, and her brightly glowing fists of 100% Resemble ready to kick demonic patootie.

Solty Revant.

A.k.a. Solty-chan to the moe-freaks.

With a raging war-cry that still sounded so cute because she's just so gee-gosh-darn adorable that way, Solty-chan charged through the blackened, pukey halls of Shubby's lair. Her purely artificial body gave her a strength and speed unrivaled by all Quake C code modifications, as she cut through Shamblers and Vores as easily as someone who'd just swallowed 52 Quad Damages. Bloody gibs rained down the halls as her fists flew. All attacks bounced off her hardened, man-made body like spitballs off a cinderblock.

In response to the commotion, Hell-Mama bellowed louder than 40 drunk and obnoxious elephants, "What th' heaven is goin' on down heah!?"

Gore-Butt was guffawing obscenely. "Haah haah haah! Maggot-Boy jes' got hisself gibbed by a li'l girl!"

Shubby dropped a curler and grabbed Gore-Butt with the freed tentacle. "Don' jes' stand there! Go tear 'er head off an' crap down 'er trachea like Duke Nukem!" She yowled as She flung the Shambler in Solty's general direction.

Solty met the Shambler in midair, spectacularly blasting his flesh apart with a flying roundhouse kick from those snazzy moon boots of hers that would've made Napoleon Dynamite jealous.

Shubby was unimpressed. "Haah! Frag mah young'uns all yew like, li'l missy! Ah'll jes' pop out more of 'em!" And with a tremendous grunt, She bore down with Her disgusting innards, preparing to bring forth into the world new horror-spawn from an orifice too yucky to contemplate.

Solty paid no heed to Mama's stomach-turning threat as she pummeled her way to the very end of the dark hallway, magnificently splattering the game map with colorful chunks and fluids of every kind of defilement as she went. Martha Stewart herself would have been very impressed at Solty's redecorator job. And then she would have promptly thrown up.

Within moments, Solty was standing before the final slipgate at the end of the hall. Instinctively, she knew now that all that remained was for her to jump through the gate at just the right time. She waited for a moment, coiling like a kitten ready to pounce, her tight outfit displaying every curve of her femininity from her midriff down in a nod to gratuitous fanservice. Many adoring fanboys had their souls soothed by the sight, while breast fans pouted over the fact that Solty's top actually hid her shape and instead went back to rewatch naked Solty from the Solty Rei closing credits.

Then with a cry, Solty leaped through the gate--

--and suddenly, Mama felt a horrible, burning knot growing in the depths of Her bloated stomach.

"Dadgum indigeshtin'! Where's mah Pepto!?"

And with those final, parting words, Hell-Mama exploded in fountains of Her own nauseating ichor and chunky demon-meats, tele-fragged by the young robot girl in green twintails and flashy orange tights. When the blood finally settled, Solty-chan stood alone, triumphant, covered in putrefaction but victorious in her one-girl battle against the elder -- and by now, rather senile -- forces of darkness.

And so it was that in the midst of that vanquished black chamber, the lovable and sometimes violent Solty, her cute face set in a darling little scowl, had only one thing she wished to declare to the universe:

"I HATE evil monsters!" she cried.

* * *

So why did Solty-chan take it upon herself to wreak her brand of moe-style vengeance upon Shubby and Her eldritch rugrats? Well, it just so happened that the innocent Solty had stumbled across a doujin featuring many-tentacled demons raping and torturing little girls. And she was not the type to sit by and do nothing when injustice was afoot. Go figure.

*End!*

* * *

*Omake*

In later years, Shub-Niggurath's Pit was cleaned up and renovated, and the game map was eventually sold to a different gaming franchise. Hell-Mama was replaced by Cooking Mama, and the former palace of pestilence became the central hub for the series' newest "extreme" installment, Heck's Kitchen. Ain't irony somethin'?

Why does this place always smell like poop and brimstone? Cooking Mama often wondered to herself in between the new and unusually intense mini-games.