Title: I Prefer Bones Over Kirk

Summary: Eight drabbles of the Tallahassee/Columbus sort. SLASH. Includes talks of Buck and Star Trek (Columbus will be, and always has been, a nerd).

Pairings: Tallahassee/Columbus.

Disclaimer: I do not own Zombieland.

I should make it clear that THESE DO NOT HAPPEN IN ORDER. They jump all over the place because it would take effort for me to have them happen in a timeline, and I'm not feeling particularly eager today.



"All I'm saying is that Star Trek is a classic," mutters Columbus. "Just because you can't appreciate the subtle nuances of Shatner's performance doesn't mean everyone around you is as ignorant."

"Ignorance has nothin' to do with it. I just find it cheesey, is all," says Tallahassee, looking out the window for any sign of the undead. The two were currently waiting for Wichita and Little Rock to get out of the bathroom of the store. They stood a couple feet away from the ladies bathroom in waiting. "You had a crush on Shatner, didn't you?"

Columbus suddenly refuses to make eye contact.

"I'm right aren't I?" Tallahassee chuckles to himself. "My God, you have horrible taste in men."

"You just insulted yourself, you know," says Ohio flatly. "And I liked Bones better." When he recieves a blank stare in response, he sighs out in addition, "He was the doctor who was pissed off all the time."

"Ah. Remind me why we're havin' this conversation again? I don't give two shits about Star Wars."

"Star Trek."



Wichita glances over at Tallahassee, whom is driving in the midnight hour, and then back at the two sleeping figures in the backseat. Little Rock has her head on Columbus's shoulder, while Columbus's head is lolled back, his mouth slightly open and a serene look on his face. She sighs and turns back, looking at Tallahassee as though she has something to reveal, but opts to face the road instead.

"If you have somethin' to say, say it," Tallahassee grunts.

"Be careful with Columbus," she says, shooting him a glare. "I know you're just fucking with him and I don't like it."

Tallahassee gives her a look that could kill. He then smiles and lets out a soft laugh as though her statement is the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard.

"What are you laughing at?" snaps Wichita. "I don't think this is particularly funny. I care about Columbus and I'm not going to sit by and let you mess around with him. He really likes you, Tallahassee."

"I know the kid adores me," agrees Tallahassee. "And you're just a sore loser."

"Sore los--You have to be kidding me." Wichita shakes her head in disbelief. "He's not some . . . some sort of prize you win at the arcade. He's a human being with a heart."

"I know you're concerned but you're flippin' yer shit over nothing. He's in good hands."

Wichita still looks unconvinced and says as much. "I don't believe you. You probably don't even care about him, do you?"

"Look," says Tallahassee, leaning back in his seat and giving her a sideways glance. "I don't have to explain nothin' to ya. This is between me and him and if ya want to butt yer pretty little head into it, fine. But do not ever, and I mean ever, insinuate that I do not care about that kid. You do not want to cross that line, Wichita. It won't be pretty is all I'm sayin'."

Wichita crosses her arms content with the rise she has gotten out of Tallahassee. "That's all I wanted to hear," she mutters. "Just do me a favor and . . . do your best with him. I don't want to see him hurt."

"It doesn't take a lot to hurt him. I can look at him the wrong way and he thinks I hate him," Tallahassee says. "Anyway this is the end of this discussion. Back the fuck off, Wichita, and we'll be fine."

Meanwhile, in the backseat, Columbus smiles.


"This second car idea was brilliant," murmurs Tallahassee into Columbus's skin. His hands play with Columbus's hair while his mouth nibbles on his neck.

Columbus is too far in ecstacy to even agree. He arches his back as Tallahassee reaches the one spot just below his chin that makes him all the more happy that he's with an experienced, older man.

Tallahassee's mouth begins to explore further down to his collarbone. His shirt had been taken off long before so there was no reason for him to momentarily stop what he is doing. He really doesn't want to either; he loves the gasps and soft moans coming out of the bruised mouth of his partner. The fact that its him causing such reactions turns him on beyond belief. He grinds their hips together to cause friction and there's a sharp inhale of breath on Columbus's part.

"O-oh fuck--Tallahassee--fuck, fuck, fuck," breathes Columbus as the older man's mouth reaches his sensitive stomach.

"Yer gonna to have to beg me for more." He runs a hand over the crotch of his jeans lightly tickling the fabric.

"Y-you fucking ba-bastard," says Columbus between gritted teeth. His fingers dig into Tallahasse's forearms almost painfully. "Touch me."

"Where's yer manners?"

"Touch me please," he pleads pathetically.

Oh how Tallahassee loves to make him beg.


"Columbus!" cries out Little Rock.

"Shit!" Tallahassee turns around and shoots at the massive hoard following them. A couple of them fall to the ground which gives Columbus enough time to get back up and stumble towards them.

"Get in the Hummer!" shouts Columbus.

"Not without you!" Tallahassee retorts angrily. He begins shooting more zombies as he makes his way towards Columbus, who is hobbling but managing to do it rather quickly.

Meanwhile the girls are shooting at the zombies, hoping to aid the pair in some way.

Tallahassee wraps an arm around Columbus and starts to drag him beside him.

"This isn't going to work," says Ohio, gritting his teeth at the pain in his knee. He can feel the blood dripping down his leg as he puts pressure on it to try and run. The Hummer is atleast thirty feet away and that's when Tallahassee realizes that he's right, this is never going to work.

Tallahassee stops for a moment when he's sure that stopping won't get them overrun with the undead. He puts his gun in its holder on his thigh then he scoops up Columbus in his arms, one arm underneath his knees and the other holding his back and starts to sprint towards the car. If this were a laughing matter he would have burst out in laughter at the startled looks on Wichita and Little Rock's faces, but since he had more urgent things to worry about he got to the Hummer with the two girls in tow.

He shoves Columbus into the passenger seat and says, "Ya really are a pain in my ass."


"The zombie apocalypse happens and ya grab yer mp3 player?" questions Tallahassee.

Columbus shrugs. "I need music don't I?"

"Whatever happened to that stupid list of yers? Travel light, wasn't it?"

"It doesn't take up much room at all," counters Columbus. He lifts up a small device no bigger than his pointer finger and pops in a ear phone into his left ear. Then he holds out the other end to Tallahassee. "Up for some music?"

Tallahassee looks as though he's going to refuse, but only for a second, because he grabs the ear bud and puts it into his ear. "We better be listenin' to some good stuff. Put on Willie Nelson."

"Uh . . . I don't have Willie Nelson," says Columbus slowly.

"Ya don't have--Boy, you are depraved."

"I have . . . lets see here . . . " He starts clicking through his songs and puts it on 'Beer' by 'Psychostick'. "Here's something you can relate to."

"Hell yeah I love beer. Doesn't stand up to liquor, though, but its still pretty good," says Tallahassee. "Ya need to get drunk some time. I wanna see ya wasted."

"I'm not sure that would be a good idea," chuckles Columbus.

"Oh I just want to see ya plastered and take advantage of the situation."

"As though you don't take advantage of me enough."

Tallahassee smirks at this. "Look at you, tryin' to sound like a victim."

Columbus smirks back. "I suppose it's true. You can't rape the willing."


Tallahassee and Columbus are in the Hummer whilst the girls drive in the Honda behind them. Tallahassee doesn't have to say much of anything, he's content with silence, but Columbus comes out with random crap at the best of times ("Do you think that World of Warcraft would still work?" "Do you really mean it when you call me a bitch? Because I think the many zombies I've slayed would say otherwise.")

Tallahassee doesn't have the heart to tell him to shut the hell up. The kid does ramble on, but it's kind of endearing, in an annoying way. Not that he would ever, ever admit it aloud.


Tallahassee sits on the roof of the Hummer, his makeshift wallet made out of duct tape in his hands, over looking the pictures of his deceased son.

Today would have been his sixth birthday.

But those damned zombies took him away.

Only five years of life. Tallahassee wonders if he loved him enough, showed him how much he cared. Did he die knowing that his daddy loved him as much as anyone could love a person? Did Buck ever realize how much he meant to his father? Tallahassee wasn't usually an emotional person but he likes to think he was a good father. Maybe not the father of the year--if he could take back every time he got angry with Buck, every time he yelled at him, and replace it with a hug or a kiss on the forehead . . .


Tallahassee's head jerks up and he sees Columbus behind him.

"If you want I can do guard duty now," offers Columbus.

"Nah. You go back and lay down."

Columbus can tell there's something wrong by the tone of his voice. And the moonlight allows him to see something on his face, trails of tears that once were. "Tallahassee are you . . . you're not crying, are you?"

At this point the older man can't contain a sniffle but he does manage to growl, "Now why would I be cryin'? You're the bitch, not me."

"You don't have to be a bitch to cry." Ohio sits down next to his partner and sets a head on his shoulder, inhaling the masculine cologne Tallahassee had picked up at their last stop. "It's okay to cry, sometimes."

Tallahassee hands him the wallet.

Columbus needs no further explanation.

"What's today?"

"It would have been his sixth birthday."

"There's really nothing I could say to take away your pain," whispers Columbus. "But I am sorry. And for what it's worth, I think you made a really good father."

"And how would ya know anythin' about that?" sneers Tallahassee.

"Because I see the look in your eyes everytime you look at his photograph," he replies, handing the wallet back. "And nothing says a good father like the look of love in his eyes."

Tallahassee swings and arm around Columbus and brings him in close and doesn't say a word. He communicates his thanks through a kiss on the lips, and that it all he needs to convey "thank you."


"I think you're both really cute together," says Little Rock one evening to Columbus as they turn on the gas stove. They're currently residing in a two story home where there's some good food, for once.

"Well, thank you," says Columbus softly. "We don't make you uncomfortable?"

"No. Of course not. As long as you're happy." The twelve year old puts the eggs in the boiling water. "I haven't had boiled eggs in a long time. They're one of my favorites."

"Is . . . is Wichita really angry?" reluctantly asks Columbus. He's been dreading asking this ever since he and Tallahassee were accidentaly found out.

"Angry about what?"

"About Tallahassee and I."

"Oh. Well . . . um, she's jealous. She doesn't know what you see in him. What do you see in him by the way? I mean, he's nice and he does a good job of protecting us but he's so . . . "

"Mean? Spiteful?"

"Yeah, those," she says with a laugh.

"I guess you haven't seen the side that I have. I can't explain it. It's--it's something great, is all I can say."

Little Rock rolls her eyes. "You sound like a teenage girl."

Columbus smiles widely. "You're going to feel the same way someday, Little Rock."

"Yeah right. I'm never going to find a decent guy in this godforsaken world," she scoffs.

"That's my little cynical sister alright," says Wichita as she enters the kitchen, holding up a Wizard magazine dated two years ago. She hands it to Columbus with a delicate smile. "I figured you'd want to read it, you big nerd."

"Thanks." Columbus stands there for a moment, trying to figure out if theres something he wants to say or needs to get out, but he ultimately leaves the kitchen to join Tallahassee in the front room, leaving Wichita as lonely as she was before.



I am not dead, see? SEE? I LIIIIIVE!

Well. Anyway.

I find that Columbus would be a big nerd, therefore the Star Trek reference. I swear its not because I'm obsessed with Star Trek right now. It's not because I love nu!Bones. Or that I have a strange infatuation with nu!Chekov. No. No way.

Reviews would be fantastic. I can see you, sitting there with your Cheeto-stained fingers, wiping them on your new white shirt even though your mother always tells you not to, but you're a rebel so you do it anyway. Yeah, you. You review because you love me. Or tell me you hated it I don't really care right now I'm going to go watch Star Trek.