Title: Just a Checkup
Author: tatterdemalion
Rating: PG-13?
Characters: Canada, Prussia, England, France, America, cameo by Germany!
Summary: AU. Matt's behavior has got his family talking. Gift fic for iraya_sama on LJ.

Author's Note: Haha so I haven't been around or LJ for a while and I come back and holy crap what do you mean PruCan isn't some obscure "just-for-laffs" pairing that only a few people like anymore? Should I feel bad that I'm adding to the pile? I should but I don't. Sorry guys!.

Anyways, crack!fic for the amazing iraya_sama, for her birthday! She had this idea for a story that I stole - er, asked to borrow :) Happy super belated birthday iraya_sama, you are fantastic and I hope you like it!

God guys I swear, I am not all about AUs. One day I will write for you a perfectly historically accurate APH fic and you guys will be all, "Oh cool she's not just a one trick pony!"

One daaaay.

Matt took a look around his family's completely deserted kitchen. He poked his head into the empty living room, then slowly made his way to the front door. With one hand on the door handle, he gripped his keys in his other hand and, raising his voice only a little bit above normal speaking levels, called very quickly, "Okay I'm off see you later!" and opened the door.

"Where are you going?"

Matt winced and turned. His father, Arthur Kirkland, was standing behind him with his arms crossed, a suspicious look on his face.

"Uh." his mouth opened and closed a couple of times. "Those....those blood tests that I went in for...something went wrong at the lab and they messed it up . So I have to go back."

Arthur frowned. "You were just there two days ago." he said. Matt laughed, a bit more high pitched than usual.

"Yeah, well, I'm free right now so I might as well go and get it over with. Right?"

"...Right." Arthur agreed reluctantly. One arm dropped to his side - a good sign. "Make sure you're home for dinner, then."

"Definitely." Matt agreed, hurriedly, then squeezed out the door. Jingling his keys nervously, he didn't check over his shoulder until he was safely in his car. Arthur wasn't watching out the window so he allowed himself to relax.

"Okay." he breathed to himself, and reversed out of the driveway.

Matt had gone to the same doctor ever since he was a kid - but when his doctor moved away he had been referred to another clinic in another neighbourhood. It was about a ten minute drive from his house, a little white building next to an optometrist's office. The waiting room, with its little side corner full of plastic toys for kids, was empty when Matt walked in, and the receptionist was filing her nails.

"Do you have an appointment?" she asked, fingers poised over the keyboard. Matt winced.

"Er, no, but I'm here to see Dr. Beilschmidt?" he asked.

"You need an appointment." the receptionist offered helpfully. Matt flushed red.

"No, I'm not here to see him for a check up," he illuminated slowly. "I'm here to...see him."

"Oh." the receptionist's eyebrows crawled higher up her face. "Oh. I'll, uhm, go see if he's available..."

"Hey, Matt!" the receptionist spun her chair around as Dr. Gilbert Beilschmidt appeared from the back, dressed casually in a dark blue shirt and the rattiest pair of jeans Matt had ever seen.

"Hey, Gloria, I'm taking off, okay?" he patted the back of the receptionist's chair. Gloria frowned.

"But you get off work at - "

By this time Gilbert had hopped the little section separating the back of the receptionist's desk area with the hallway that led back to the offices, and had a friendly arm wrapped around Matt's shoulders.

"Let's go!" he declared, and Matt was glad to get out of that waiting room away from the curious look of Gloria.

Once outside, Gilbert bounded towards Matt's beat up old Camery. Matt followed at a slower pace, a reluctant grin on his face.

"C'mon I can get away with taking an hour for lunch but afterwards I gotta get back!" Gilbert urged, tapping his foot impatiently, tugging on the passenger door.

"Calm down, Doc." Matt joked, fitting his key into the lock. "Where do you want to go?"

Gilbert slid into the passenger seat and propped his feet up on the dashboard.

"Go downtown." he commanded regally. "I know this awesome place we can eat at."

Matt rolled his eyes and obediently pulled away from the clinic's parking lot.

The first appointment he had with Dr. Gilbert Beilschmidt, Matt had found the man equal parts bewildering, intriguing and confusing. He looked too young, too impatient and too boisterous to be any sort of doctor. After prodding at Matt for a few minutes, Gilbert had declared that he "looked awesome" and would he go on a date with him this weekend?

"I hardly know you!" was the first thing Matt had thought to say, prompting Gilbert to laugh and reply, "Well, would you like to know me?"

That had been a few months ago. Matt, who had never had the best track record when it came to dating (his only girlfriend had been a chipper, voluptuous Ukrainian girl in high school, whose brother had told Matt in no uncertain terms what would happen to him if he ever made her cry), had not bothered to tell his parents or his brother when his eyes had slowly turned to men. It's not like he thought they would disapprove - his two fathers were very open about their relationship (well, his Papa was. Arthur was more of a reluctant lover than an open one), but they were overprotective of their sons and probably wouldn't be too pleased with this loud, brash doctor who was currently examining Matt like he wanted to eat him.

Matt's ears turned red. "Uh, so, how was your day?" he asked quickly, checking over his shoulder to change lanes.

Gilbert shrugged. "Had a lot of patients. This one old lady was whining about her hip, but whatever." he sniffed. "You?"

"Oh, I just did some studying." Matt answered flippantly - he was a student at the local university, suffering the combined shame of no money and a room in his parent's house. He envied his brother Alfred, who was talking about moving out soon with a Japanese kid from his class. Matt couldn't imagine living alone with his parents.

"Yeah? You still live with your old man, right?" Gilbert wanted to know, rolling down the window. A breeze ruffled Matt's hair.

"Uh, yeah. Both of them."

"Ever think of moving out?"

Gilbert's tone was suddenly so uncharacteristically serious that Matt risked a quick glance away from the road. The older man's posture was relaxed but Matt could tell by his face that something was up.

"Um...why?" he asked lightly. Gilbert shrugged again, a little tenser this time, eyes darting up to examine Matt's face.

"I have...I have a double bed." he said gruffly. "And my apartment's big enough for two people, you know. So just in case you ever - "

Matt slammed the brakes on and was nearly rear ended by a pick up truck. Gilbert would later deny ever giving an unmanly yelp.

"Hey, what the hell?" he demanded. Matt came to his senses and moved, reaching shakily up to tuck his hair behind his ear.

"S-sorry!" he stammered. "I was...surprised, I - " he turned to give Gilbert a wide eyed, startled stare. "Sorry, did you just ask me to move in with you?"

Gilbert's ears turned pink. "Well, if you don't want to, you don't have to." he snapped, settling down in his seat with a rather sulky look on his face. "It was just a suggestion..."

"I'd love to!" Matt exclaimed. "Are you kidding? I - I guess I just thought it was a bit soon, you know, but - "

"Okay, awesome!" Gilbert, who was seeing the vehicle swerving a bit more than it should, suggested, "But we might want to talk about this after we've parked the car."

Matt apologized and tried to focus on the road. Inside, though, he was brimming with equal parts excitement and trepidation. Moving in with your boyfriend was a big step, wasn't it? And Matt felt ready, it's not like he was doubting that! But, well...it meant he would have to tell his parents.

And that was not the easiest job in the world.

"I still don't see what the problem is." Gilbert said patiently, taking a swig from his beer bottle as he studied Matt. They were seated on the patio of an outdoor cafe, having just ordered, and Gilbert allowed his gaze to wander fondly as Matt began gesturing wildly again.

"I just - I haven't told my parents about...us so I don't know if they'll be upset when I tell them "oh, by the way I have a boyfriend and we're moving in together so bye"."

Thought it had never been explicitly stated, Gilbert had gotten the idea that Matt's parents didn't know about him - it didn't really bother him that much, he knew the kid had his reasons, and Matt was affectionate and happy enough with him when they were together. But all the same...

"Don't they start wondering where you've been going all these times?" Gilbert asked. "No offense, but you don't seem like the party animal type, I'm guessing that excuse wouldn't fly."

Matt became extremely interested in the bread basket. "Well...I keep making up excuses, I think they're buying it."

"What are you telling them?" Gilbert wanted to know.

"Er, that I keep going to see the doctor." At Gilbert's incredulous stare, Matt flushed. "Well, it's not a lie, is it?"

Gilbert burst out laughing, attracting stares from other tables. "I don't think they're buying it, kid," he snickered, "They're probably under the impression you have some sort of recurring venereal disease."

Matt spilled his water across the table. "Sh-shut up!" he demanded. "Don't say that!"

Once Gilbert had calmed down he attempted to plaster a serious expression across his face. "Not that I didn't do crazy shit when I was your age - " he paused to let Matt protest, as usual, to making him seem younger than he was, " - but you really need to tell them. Especially if you're going to be moving in with me."

Matt sighed. "You're right." he agreed. "I'll tell them tonight."

"Good boy!" Gilbert praised. Then, after a pause, he added slyly, "You know, I could easily switch my schedule around so that my day off is the same as when you only have one class. My bed is pretty big, just so you know. And comfy. We could probably stay in there all day."

He laughed at the look on Matt's face - when the waitress brought their food the blond was almost thankful for the interruption. He spent the rest of the afternoon in a daze (much to Gilbert's chagrin), trying to think of how to tell his parents.

"So how was the doctor's?" Arthur asked pointedly that night as he passed Matt the salad at the dinner table. "You were gone for quite a while."

Matt grinned nervously. "Uh, yeah, it was good!"

"Huh? You went to the doctor's again?" Alfred asked through a mouthful of pork chop. "What, do you have an STI?"

"Alfred!" Arthur chided, at the same time as Matt yelped, "I don't!"

"Your brother was getting his blood taken." Arthur explained. Matt's other father, Francis, trained his eyes worriedly on his meeker son.

"Wasn't that what you went to the doctor's for last time?" he asked.

Matt mumbled something about re-tests into his peas. His fathers exchanged looks. Alfred continued eating.

"It's cool if you do have an STI, you know." he told his brother wickedly. "They have lots of creams for those now."

"Shut up." Matt muttered. As his fathers began talking about the gas bill, he cleared his throat. "Actually...I have something to tell you guys." he announced.

That got his family's attention - Matt was not one for talking at the dinner table. Three pairs of eyes turned on him, and Matt felt taken aback.

"Uh...I have been going to see the doctor." he admitted. "But not really for what you'd think."

"STI." Alfred sang under his breath.

"Shut up." Matt repeated. His fathers were looking at him expectantly.

This was the part where Matt was supposed to look his parents in the eyes and say, "Dad, Papa, I'm seeing this doctor. We've been together for a while and he invited me to move in with him. I know you might be mad I didn't tell you about it until now but I'm very happy and I think you should be too."

What he said instead was, "I was just going for some other tests and checkups but everything's fine now. So I don't have to go anymore. So it's okay."

Not exactly the same thing,

"Other tests?" Arthur asked, puzzled, and maybe a little suspiciously concerned. "What other tests?"

Oh, shit. Matt said hurriedly, "Nothing bad, just a precaution, okay? It's fine. Nothing's wrong. So that...that is all I wanted to tell you. And now I have to go. Study. I have to study. Okay bye!" he grabbed his plate and glass, raced to dump them in the sink, and then ran for the stairs, leaving his family to exchange puzzled looks in his wake.

"So I think something might be wrong." Arthur said slowly. Francis nodded.

The only flaw with this new plan - stopping the lie about the frequent doctor visits so Alfred didn't think he had a persistent case of herpes - was that Matt couldn't lie. Sure, the "I'm going to go see the doctor several times a week" was a lie, but it was sort of true. He was seeing a doctor. But Matt was horrible at bold-faced lies. He knew it. Alfred knew it. Francis and Arthur knew it too. The only thing that had stopped Matt from getting into trouble when he was a child was that he knew how to shut up, keep quiet, and when to bury his face into his stuffed bear so Arthur wouldn't see his grin and know it was him, not Alfred, that broke that lamp when they were nine.

Alfred had never really forgiven him for that.

The point was, Matt was either going to have to confess to what was really going on, or he was going to have to get better at lying.

Gilbert was going to be so pissed...

"This feels weird." Gilbert told Matt three days later as they lay sprawled on the couch in the albino's apartment. It was a late Sunday afternoon and Matt had made up something about going to the library in order to slip away. Matt looked up at him as the show they were watching went to commercial.

"What does?" he asked. Gilbert frowned.

"Me being the responsible one for once." he declared. "You really need to tell your parents."

Matt let out a huffy breath against the albino's shoulder. "I know, I know." he griped. "I'm...working on it."

In actual fact, Matt was not working on it. Now that he couldn't blame his outings on doctor's appointments, his parents were starting to pay more attention to his irregular outings. It wasn't fair - Alfred was in and out almost every night, and before Matt started seeing Gilbert his parents wouldn't of cared if Matt had fallen asleep at the library and not returned home until morning. Now he tried to set a foot out the door and Arthur was asking him when he'd be home and where he was going and "did everything work out with those blood tests?"

Matt wondered if his parents could tell he was lying. Probably. He was really bad at it.

Gilbert rubbed circles with his thumb over Matt's shoulder blade, reveling in the smell of the younger blond's hair.

"Yeah, sure." he chuckled. "Look, Mattie, if this is some sort of extravagant scheme you've cooked up to avoid moving in with me, you could just tell me. I won't be mad."

The result was as expected - Matt twisted his torso around so he was now nose-to-nose with Gilbert, eyes wide behind his glasses.

"That's not it at all!" he protested. "How could you think that?! I said I wanted to - !"

"I know, I know!" Gilbert wrapped an arm around his boyfriend's waist to stop his squirming. "Look I believe you, I was just teasing you." As Matt settled down Gilbert shook his head with a snort. "God, why's it so hard for you to tell your parents? They're not douchebags or anything, are they?"

Matt shook his head. "No, it's just...I don't know. They didn't really pay much attention to me when I was a kid - it's not like they ignored me, they're not bad parents, but my older brother got most of the attention. So I'm not used to telling them things about myself. But I'll do it!"

Gilbert, who had been hearing the same thing from Matt for almost a week, settled with holding his boyfriend firmly and kissing him - Matt, eager for a break in the conversation, kissed back.

"Promise me." Gilbert said huskily as they parted, tangling his fingers in Matt's curls. "That you're going to tell your parents. Because if they find out that their kid's running off with some weirdo - but awesome - doctor and you didn't tell them about it, I don't want to be the one blamed for it."

Matt nodded, bumping their noses together. "I promise." he said solemnly. "They'll know about it."

Gilbert gave him one last unusually serious stare and Matt burst out laughing. "Is that your older brother face?" he teased, kissing the tip of Gilbert's nose, and the older man had to growl and throw his boyfriend back onto the couch.

"How else do you think I made Ludwig shut up and listen to me when he was a kid?" he asked. "I can be very persuasive."

"I bet!" Matt smiled widely and trailed his fingers down Gilbert's chest. Gilbert caught his hand and slipped Matt's index finger into his mouth.

With a coy smile, Matt wriggled his finger around, taking in with delight the way the older man's lips closed around his skin.

"I have to get back soon." he reminded Gilbert, who groaned around his finger and licked his knuckle. Matt pulled his digit from the elder's mouth with a little 'pop', blushing.

"Sorry!" he apologized. "I just remembered. And besides, the sooner I get home the sooner I can tell my parents about everything, right?"

"Excited, are we?" Gilbert teased, letting his hands settle comfortably on his boyfriend's hips to keep him pinned down on the couch. Matt writhed, breathless laughter on his lips.

"C'mon!" he pleaded. "Gil, I really gotta go, my dad hates it when I miss dinner."

Gilbert gave a grunt of dissatisfaction and pressed an open mouthed kiss on Matt's forehead, releasing him. Matt returned the favour with a peck on the chin before hauling himself to his feet and picking up the backpack he'd carried out of the house for the pretense of going to the library. Gilbert, still sprawled gracelessly on the couch, gave his boyfriend a once-over.

"You look ready for that exam you told your parents you were studying for." he approved. "Fix your shirt and comb your hair down and your parents will never know you weren't at the library!"

Matt's hand shot up to flatten down his mess of curls and he gave Gilbert a weak glare.

"Tonight." he said, more to himself than his boyfriend. "I'll tell them tonight."

Gilbert sighed as Matt moved towards the door of the apartment. "Yeah. Whatever you say." he agreed blandly.

When Matt let himself into his house, Arthur was waiting for him.

Not what he was usually greeted with.

"Uhm...hi Dad." he laughed, slipping off his shoes. "Sorry, am I late for dinner? I tried to drive fast..."

"How was the library?" Arthur asked. Alfred passed by the front hall with a piece of bread between his teeth and without even looking Arthur reached out to take it from him.

"You'll ruin your dinner. Set the table." he ordered, and Alfred retreated with a loud complaint.

"How was the library?" Arthur repeated, half eaten bread dangling from his fingers.

"F-fine!" Matt squeaked. "It was great I got a lot of studying done for my exam!"

"What exam?" Arthur asked. Matt opened his mouth, and nothing came out.

"Uhm?" he said, with another weak laugh. "Didn't I tell you? Oh wow, yeah, it was..."

"Arthur? What is going on?" Francis appeared from the kitchen, untying his apron from around his waist.

Then, in front of his startled husband and son, Arthur Kirkland grabbed Matt by the collar of his jacket in a grip that the boy knew he couldn't get out of if he tried, and wailed, "M-my baby is dying!"

Francis gaped. From within the kitchen there was a muffled swear as Alfred dropped the cutlery.

Clearly, Matt had some explaining to do.

"Dad," he soothed, as he and Francis managed to drag Arthur in to the kitchen. The Brit had Matt in a death grip, poking and prodding for any signs of malady. Matt, one arm wrapped around his father's waist, looked over at Francis for support. Francis looked back, confused and maybe a little suspicious himself.

Once Arthur had been sat at the table and the kettle had been put on, Francis sat next to his husband and said, "Mathieu, I'm afraid you will have to explain yourself. Your actions lately have been suspicious and even I am starting to fear the worst."

Alfred stared at him. "Holy shit, Matt, you don't have herpes you have AIDS, don't you?" he exclaimed. "Holy shit, I told you, wear a condom!!"

"He has AIDS!?" Arthur shrieked. Matt winced.

"I do not have AIDS!" he yelled over the ruckus of his family. "I am perfectly fine, I'm healthy, there's no need to worry!"

"What about those blood tests?" Francis was even starting to look a little pale, and he was usually the more reasonable of the two. "And those frequent trips to the doctor's because "something went wrong"?"

"And then they were doing those other tests?" Arthur demanded. "And then you started making up excuses about going to the library when you clearly weren't?? You need to know, Matthew William Kirkland-Bonnefoy, that if there is something wrong with your health, even if you think it's embarrassing, this family will support you one hundred percent. We love you and we have a right to know! We will help you through every treatment you need to go through and every doctor's appointment you have to make. We're family, that's what we do!"

Oh, Matt was going to have to get so much better at lying.

"Dad, it's okay. I lied." he admitted reluctantly. "I went to the doctor'sonce. For a perfectly routine checkup where nothing strange was revealed and thus I am not dying. Okay? I lied about having to go back for other appointments, and then I lied about having other stuff to do."

Arthur stared, wide-eyed, at him, chest heaving. Francis was silent. Alfred bit noisily into an apple.

"Why..." Arthur began. "Would you put me through something like that?! Do you have any idea how worried I was?"

"I didn't mean to!" Matt exclaimed. "Honestly! It's just, there's this guy..."

"This guy?" Alfred repeated through a mouthful of apple. "For reals?"

"Y-yeah. The new doctor I'm going to. He sorta asked me out and then from there it...escalated..."

"Wait." Arthur stopped him. Francis, ever the romantic interferer, looked overjoyed, probably already planning the wedding. "You mean to tell me that you've been sneaking around these past few months because of a boyfriend?"

Matt nodded. Arthur's eyes rolled up to look at the ceiling and he turned to his French husband. "He gets this horrible recklessness from you." he accused.

Francis leaned across the table to grasp Matt's face in his hands. "My dear," he said, "You know I always tell you that amour has no bounds. But your love must also be...considerate of your father's nerves, oui?"

"Oui." Matt mumbled, muffled by his father's hands on his cheeks. "Papa, gerrof..."

As Francis released him, Alfred piped up, "So...just so we're clear...you don't have AIDS?"

"God, Al, shut up!" Matt fired at his brother. "I don't have AIDS, Gil's a doctor, he's all about being safe..."

"So you've copulated with this man?" Arthur demanded.

"Dad, no one says "copulated" any more." Matt protested, face heating up.

"He's right." Francis pointed out, receiving a glare from his British husband.

With a heavy sigh, Arthur said, "Well I can't say I'm exactly pleased that you would rather lie about blood tests than tell me about your new boyfriend...but I'm definitely relieved to hear you're not dying."

Matt exhaled a sigh of relief and examined his family. Arthur was frowning at him from beneath his eyebrows but he did not look too upset; Francis was examining him with knowledgeable eyes, a very unsettling expression on his face; Alfred, behind his father's backs, was giving him a thumbs-up. Matt was almost content to leave it at that, but he still had one more thing to deal with:

"Also...Gilbert asked me to move in with him...and I said yes."

"What?! Without us having even met him? If he treats your family with such disrespect - !"

"Oh my dear, take it from me - when you move in with a lover too quickly, if things go wrong you will not be able to escape so easily..."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean, you frog??"

"Arthur, please, I do not mean you - "

"And who do you mean? Please enlighten me, Francis."

"Mon Dieu..."

Matt got up to fill the teapot as the kettle started whistling. It was going to be a very, very long night.

Across town, at his younger brother's house, Gilbert sneezed. Ludwig looked up from where he was preparing the evening meal of bratwurst.


Gilbert sniffled. "No." he said, reaching for a tissue. "I have the feeling I'm in a lot of trouble, though."

Ludwig muttered something that sounded like, "So what else is new?" but Gilbert chose to ignore him in favour of taking out his phone and texting Matt.

Yo hows it going? Ur old man freaking out?

A second later his phone lit up with a reply.

Kill me.

Gilbert shivered and replaced his phone. "Yeah, I'm in trouble." he declared.

"As long as you're not going to jail, I don't care. Eat your wurst." Ludwig commanded. Gilbert sat down with a grumble.

"Man, I can't wait until I move in with Matt. He would totally care about stuff like this."

"I don't care Gilbert."

"I know, that's why you're the less awesome brother!"

Gilbert barely dodged the balled up napkin that was chucked at his head.

"Love you too Luddy."


Note: Haha so I just read through iraya_sama's request again and I realize that I could have totally made Gilbert this high-end Clooney-esque doctor in this big fancy hospital and there could have been so many opportunities for him to burst into Matt's house and be all, "YOUR SON IS CHOKING, I'LL HELP!" and whisk him away for sexy-secretive-make-outs, but my boring mind went immediately to those boring old clinics in my neighbourhood where nothing really happens except my doctor asks me every appointment if I'm sexually active and then gives me pamphlets on safe sex BECAUSE YOUR HINTS ARE NOT SUBTLE AT ALL, DOCTOR. Then I started giggling at the idea of Gilbert having to give prostate exams to seniors and then going home and complaining about how unawesome it was to Matt, who doesn't really want to hear about his boyfriend sticking his finger up strange men's anuses.

Guys if you couldn't already tell my life is amazing and super interesting. PROSTATE EXAMS.


I'm not making fun of prostate exams, guys, get checked out!