Title: I Want the Whole World to Know
Summary: Emily loves JJ. JJ loves Emily. The only problem is that JJ is not ready to tell the world about it and Emily can't stand keeping it a secret anymore. JJ/Emily femslash.
Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Criminal Minds. I wish I did, though.
A/N: This is yet another thing that I wanted to get out of my system before I get into my next lengthy story. It's only going to be 4 chapters and I hope you enjoy!
"You can't mean that, Emily!" JJ looked at the brunette utterly terrified at what she had just told her. She couldn't believe that Emily would ever… She couldn't believe Emily was doing this.
"Yes I do!" Emily insisted, hurt so apparent in her eyes that it almost made JJ's heart stop. "I mean it like I've never meant anything in my entire life."
"You're serious?" JJ asked, still a little incredulously. You wanna break up?"
"I don't want to break up." Emily whispered, stressing the word, in a way making it clear to the blonde that this wasn't really about what she wanted. "You know that's the last thing I want. I just can't do this anymore, JJ." She finished and as JJ looked into Emily's eyes, she knew that this time Emily wasn't joking.
"Em, please…" JJ begged, her eyes now slowly filling with tears, but deep down she knew that it was not going to work. She could see in Emily's eyes that this time it was not going to work. The pleas, the begging, they were not going to work, because Emily had had enough. JJ took a step closer towards Emily and took the brunette's hand in hers, but she could feel Emily taking the hand away.
No physical contact, Emily told herself. No physical contact or you won't be able to do this.
"No! Don't you Em, please me! I have given you all the time that I thought you needed, but I just can't do this anymore, JJ. It's too damn hard." Emily said and JJ knew that what she was asking of Emily was difficult, she just never realized how difficult.
"You know that it's complicated for me…" She started, but Emily wouldn't let her finish.
"I know that. Don't you think I know that? I know that the feelings you have for me have taken you by surprise. I know that it freaked you out and I know how hard it was for you to give in to those feelings. I know all that!" Emily paused to take a deep breath and she just gazed at JJ for a moment. "And I understand the reasons you wanted to keep this thing between us a secret…" And she really did understand. She knew the feelings JJ started having for her terrified her and she understood when JJ asked her for more time to sort things out. But she had had enough and there was no way she could go on like this. "But that's the problem – what is happening between us is no longer a thing. I'm in love with you damn it and I can't keep living my life pretending that I'm not! I gave you eight fucking months, but I just can't do it anymore! I can't or it's going to kill me!" Emily exclaimed and she could see that it only brought more tears to JJ's eyes. She hated that she was making the blonde cry, but she just couldn't pretend that everything was OK when she was asked to lie to everyone about the best damn thing that had ever happened to her.
"It's not that easy, Emily… I can't just…"
"You can't what? Tell everyone that you're getting it on with a woman? You're so fucking focused on what everyone else will think of you that you can't even see what you're doing to me." Emily explained, trying to hold back tears, almost surprised that she had allowed herself to be that open with JJ. She never liked letting people see her hurt or vulnerable, but she felt like this was the only way she could get through to JJ. This was not the time to play games, she needed JJ to know how she felt.
"Em, you know that what we have is very important to me, you know that!" JJ cried, trying so desperately to think of more things to say, things that would make Emily understand.
"And just what it is that you think we have?" Emily asked, somewhat bluntly. "We meet at your place or mine, almost always after dark, sometimes we eat food, we fuck…"
"Don't call it that!" JJ cut her off at hearing the f word. This surely couldn't be the way Emily really saw them having sex. "That's not what we do and you know it!"
"Because I don't need a freakin' fuck buddy, JJ! I don't want to be your fuckin' booty call whenever you want to pass the time. I want a relationship with you! I want a life with you and I have always made it pretty damn clear. No matter how much everything inside me told me not to, I was always clear about my feelings. But you… I just don't know…" She paused for a moment before she asked the next question. "Do you even need me for anything other than to get you off? Because if that's what it is then I'm sure you can find someone else to do the job!"
"Please don't say that!" JJ cried and Emily almost broke seeing her lover like this, but she had decided that she was going to be strong, because she couldn't continue being with JJ on JJ's terms. Not anymore. And she knew those last statements were a low blow, she knew it. And they were hurtful. And she almost hated herself for saying those things, because she knew what she and JJ had was more than just sex, a lot more. And even though JJ wasn't ready to tell people about their relationship, or whatever it could be called, Emily knew that the blonde felt something for her and that her feelings were strong. But Emily was just so damn tired of sneaking around and pretending that she and JJ were simply colleagues when the truth was that they were so much more.
"I'm sorry." Emily finally said after a moment, because she knew she had gone too far. She didn't want to give JJ mixed signals by professing her love and then demoting their relationship to a booty call. This conversation was about explaining to JJ why she couldn't live like this anymore.
"You know I love you." JJ whispered after a few moments of silence, looking at Emily intently, as if trying to convince her just by looking at her.
"Which is why it hurts so much." Emily explained, no longer being able to hold back her tears. "Because sometimes when I look at you, I can see that you really do love me, that you have these amazing feelings for me. I know you do, I know and I'm sorry for what I said before… I'm just tired of trying so hard to keep this relationship a secret and I can't do this anymore. I love you and I want us to be together more than anything, but not like this. Not when you make me feel like we're doing something wrong, like we're cheating on someone. We're two otherwise unattached adults who supposedly love each other, so why does it feel like we're having an affair or something? Unless you really do feel like we're doing something wrong..."
"God, Emily, you know that's not how I feel about this."
"I just don't know, JJ. I really don't know anymore what you feel. But I do know that I can't take this anymore. I thought I could do this, you know? Just be with you without anyone else knowing… But I can't. Because I love you and you make me happy. I'm never more at peace with myself than when I am with you. And I don't want this to be a secret."
"I feel the same way about you, Emily, I do." JJ whispered through tears, running her hand through Emily's hair, like she had done so many times before. She could feel the brunette tremble at her touch, but she soon realized that Emily took a small step back.
"But you're just not ready to let the world see your feelings, right?" Emily asked, almost sarcastically, as she looked into JJ's eyes and what she saw only confirmed what she knew deep down. "Well I do! I want the whole world to know how much I love you and how happy we are together. I wanna be able to take you on a real date. I wanna take you for a romantic getaway and not have to pretend that we're just friends who are sharing a hotel room!" Emily pointed out and looked JJ directly in the eye, which made JJ shiver. "And when people ask me or hit on me or whatever, I wanna tell them that I'm taken and that I'm in love with the most amazing woman in the world and her name is Jennifer freakin' Jareau! But I can't do that, because you won't let me! Because you'd rather lie to yourself and everybody else than let yourself be truly happy. And I wanna be the one to make you happy, more than anything, but I want a real relationship. I want you to be mine, really mine, not just in the confinement of our apartments. And until this is what you want too, we can't be together." Emily finally finished and looked at JJ meaningfully, trying to let her know that she meant it.
"Emily, please don't do this." JJ begged teary-eyed. "I love you. I love you so much." She cried as she took a step forward and quickly captured Emily's lips with hers. And it scared her when she felt Emily pulling away.
"No." Emily protested through tears. "You don't get to kiss me and hope that it's going to make it all better. Because it's not, it's not!" She insisted. "'Cause every time you kiss me, you remind me of the way I feel about you and right now, that's one thing I just don't wanna remember." She took a deep breath and looked into JJ's eyes one last time. "So there, take all the time you need to figure this out, but don't you dare come to me until you are ready to be grown up about our relationship." Emily took another quick pause and gathered her thoughts. "Or if you're never gonna be ready, just tell me and don't waste my fuckin' time." Emily finished and stealing one last glance at the media liaison, she stormed out of JJ's apartment, leaving a terrified and shivering Jennifer Jareau in the middle of her living room.