Days of Reflection

A Self Insert

Chapter One – a New Journal

A/N: Flashbacks, angst, confusion, explanations…

Here's our first chapter out of the mess…It's a journal entry, so it's not my normal writing style.

And thanks once more to Ava-Connie for being a wonderful beta. X3 Thankies, Dart-sama!!!

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Looking back on everything that happened, I know I still have a lot of growing up to do. Nothing can change that, I'm still young. I haven't experienced life to its fullest…I've seen school, crushes…battle…war…death…I'd seen elves, dwarves, and angels. I've made a lot of friends. I've made a lot of enemies. Friends have turned against me, enemies have joined my cause. No…our cause. Well, of course…I'm not part of that cause anymore. I think they succeeded though, I can't see how they wouldn't have…They had the strongest man I'd ever seen with them, after all. Well…one of them. But now's not the time for that story. I'll get to him later.

Don't tell him I said that—wait, you can't. Thought I already put his name down in here, guess not…ah, I could have just scribbled it out with the pen.

The kids are nosy, though. Marlene won't tell, but if Denzel gets his hands on this diary…JOURNAL…I'm screwed. Because eventually I'm going to get into my secrets…I need someone to tell them to. Someone, something… I can't rely on the dead to console me every time I cry anymore. It actually takes a lot out of them to get to the plane of the living for the little visits…it'd be selfish to ask so much of them all the time. That, and I don't have a problem crying around Shelke, but she has life a lot harder than I do…Y'know, for some strange reason, I was expecting her to get taller…I really was, or for her to age again, like Presea started to…It was a real shocker when I came back to the same little girl I had left behind. What shocked me more, though, was that when I was too confused to act for a moment, she hugged me.

It's been about a month since I got back from the other worlds, and three weeks since I got back to the Seventh Heaven. I guess, for now, I'll call it "home." Home is, after all, where the heart is, right? I'm wondering about that a lot, though. I mean, I was really excited and happy towards the end of the journey that I'd be able to come back here…but there was so much left unsaid between my companions and me when I came back. Lloyd and I had a fight before we headed into the final battle. It wasn't a little spat, either, and we hadn't made up before I was…never mind. I don't want to think about that just yet.

I can't run from it forever, but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't like to. Forgetting the ending of my journey in Sylvarant and Tethe'alla would be nice. Maybe forgetting all of it would be better. Like it hadn't happened.

But then…I wouldn't have met Lloyd, Genis, Raine, Colette, Kratos, Sheena, Zelos, Presea, and Regal…and him. We were the craziest team, he and I. I hated him…kinda. He scared the hell out of me at first. I mean, after all he'd done, I hadn't thought I'd ever SEE him…not in person.

There was one other friend I met along the journey. I say "friend" because…well, I dunno. He wasn't really our friend…he was the enemy. And I knew it. He was a manipulative little monster, and had Genis wrapped around his finger. I think he actually liked Genis—like a friend—because he'd gone out of his way once or twice to protect him. There was something good left inside of him. Probably why it was so hard for me, after a while, not to care about him and see him as a friend. A part of my mind probably thought he would turn around, that I could change something, make him see what he was doing as what it was—wrong. Turns out I was the one that was wrong, though. And that screwed me over in the end, I think. Vincent's warning not to empathize too much with the enemy was always in my mind when I was around the kid, but it didn't stop me. I thought I was careful, playing my cards right. It…I really should have listened to him. Shame on me for not listening to Vincent's advice. Or Reeve's. Or Kratos'. Or…Mithos' advice.

He told me, at one point, to be careful not too trust anyone too much or I might get hurt. I understood what he meant, but I never got why he told me. Why he would bother, I mean. Mithos Yggdrassil, leader of Cruxis as well as the Desians, my enemy. He was also friends with Genis and Lloyd. And, hard as I tried to avoid him…circumstances kinda screwed me over. Before I knew it, whenever I passed him or said goodbye I'd reach out, smile, and ruffle his hair. And then, as I turned and left, my chest felt like it was clenching up and I felt sick to my stomach. At one point I got away from the group for some time to myself, and cried because I was so confused. Pathetic, I know. But hey, I'm only…

Wait, I'm fifteen by now. I haven't checked a calendar yet, though…So I can't use age as an excuse. I just need to quit being such a baby. I haven't cried since a little before I came back to Gaia, though. ..It's really not saying much, considering I cried my eyes out after Lloyd and I got in that fight. I AM crying less often than I used to, though. I'm stronger emotionally now, not just physically. I'm like a totally different person in a way, while I'm still me. I just don't feel like a little kid. I'm still dependant on the people around me, but not as much as before. I can survive on my own for a bit.

I had a lot of good teachers along my journey. Everyone taught me something, whether it be survival training, swordplay, math, science, history, or even how to communicate better…

And I'm going to miss them. As much as I'd like to be optimistic and say, "but I know I'll see them again someday," I can't. Because I won't. I blew my chance when I got careless in battle.

I'm dead to them.

I didn't even get to say goodbye to them…but it's not their fault. I should have kept my mind on the battle instead of wishing things had been different. And they couldn't stop fighting to come to my aid, they would have been killed too. So yeah, I don't blame them. I just hope they aren't beating themselves up over it…I pray every night that no matter what happens, they have the rest of their lives to live out in peace. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but those guys are like family to me. I want them to be happy.

I only hope that they can forgive me for lying to them. I don't regret telling them the truth…I just wish that…that what? They had every right to be pissed, especially Lloyd. So no, I don't wish that he hadn't been mad. His blowing up at me, it was perfectly understandable. Now I have even more secrets to keep from everyone here…but I don't have to worry about them revealing themselves. What happens in Tethe'alla stays in Tethe'alla.

Ugh…I'm out of things to write about for now.

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And there we go. The first chapter in the form of a journal entry, and therefore a very short chapter.

The "him" I was referring to early on in this, by the way, was not White Eyes.