Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight!

This is a competition entry for the site www(dot)lemonsbiteback(dot)ning(dot)com, run by my beta and all round good chum venomaddict. Just a bit of silliness, but it amused me....

Before you read, this is a continuation from venomaddict's entry, which you can find on her fanfiction profile now. Please go and read that first; this will make so much more sense if you do!

This is almost canon, with just enough AU sprinkled over to make it funny.....

April Fool's Day - Emmett's Revenge


Bella walked away from me, and got straight into Edward's Volvo without looking back, but she carried on laughing until I couldn't hear her anymore, a couple of miles away from the parking lot. I felt utterly bamboozled by Bella and Rosie's little stunt, and I couldn't decide if I was pissed, amused, turned on (the photos were hot), or what.

The only thing I knew for sure was; they were all going down.

Rosie arrived by my side a few minutes later, a seductive smile in place as she wrapped herself around my still form.

"Emmett, are you cross with me?" She batted her eyelashes at me, and I felt my resolve waver, but only slightly.

"Yes, I am." I scowled, determined that this time I wasn't going to let her off too easily.

"Oh, that's such a shame," she purred, as her hand traced down my chest, towards my waist. "I have a present for you too, but if you're cross with me..."

I gave a tiny, involuntary, whimper as she pulled away from me, and walked slowly towards her BMW. Her butt wriggling in her tight jeans was attracting every ounce of my attention, making me forget why I was annoyed with her in the first place.

"What's my present?" I panted as I joined her in the car a few seconds later. Who did I think I was kidding, thinking I could stay mad at this woman for any period of time? She totally owns my ass.

She handed me an envelope before she started the car, and as we pulled away I removed a handful of Polaroid photos of Rosie in her underwear... with Bella.

Christ! I own photos of Bella in her underwear. Edward is not going to like this!

"Shall I take the silent panting to mean you like them then?" she drawled, as I finally tore my eyes away from the picture of her fantastic butt in a tiny pink thong.

"Do you still have the thong?" I asked, and she flicked her eyes to me and grinned.

"Oh yeah."

"Ok." I sighed as my resolve broke. "You're forgiven. But you know I can't leave things like this, don't you, baby. Bella and Edward are going down."

"I know, Emmett, but I expect to be exempt from any retribution on this one, otherwise you won't be seeing the thong, or anything else, for a very long time." She flicked her eyes to me again, and I simply nodded. I know when I'm beaten.

For the rest of the drive home I concentrated on my plans. It was 4.15pm, which meant that I had seven hours and forty-five minutes in which to get my revenge. I couldn't believe that I had been so easy on Bella, only for her to gang up on me with my Rosie, of all people.

Do they think they're dealing with some kind of amateur here? Uh-uh, now we're playing hard-ball, no more Mr. Nice-guy.

I considered for a while what the most important thing to Bella was, and I came to the obvious conclusion fairly quickly that it was Edward.

I toyed with the idea of kidnapping him for a while, but considering the fact that I hadn't beaten him in a fight since 1949, when he was distracted by a Racoon, I figured the odds of catching the little sneak were remote. It would be difficult to actually do anything to him, if I couldn't catch him first. For a moment I debated going and finding a Racoon, but then I figured that even that probably wouldn't work twice.

I thought about trying to talk Jasper into helping me to catch him, but after the exploding deer incident last April Fool's day, I figured that might be too big a risk to run. Jasper could decide to side with Edward at the last minute, then it might be me getting his comeuppance.

So, then, what else is Bella really attached to?

An idea suddenly occurred to me, and I grinned when I decided just how I was going to get her back today.

Huh, who needs seven hours!

Rosalie rolled her eyes at me as I jumped out of the car as soon as we got home, and headed straight into the forest. I didn't want to risk running into Edward, seeing as my skills at blocking his mind reading were obviously not quite as good as I'd thought they were. The little cheater had clearly been in my head plenty over the last few days, and I didn't want him to know what I planned to do next.

I headed over to Bella's house first, standing downwind so Edward wouldn't catch my scent as I eavesdropped on their conversation. I listened as they laughed over my downfall, and it was all I could do to stand still and silent as they chuckled over having beaten me on April Fool's Day.


I don't goddamn think so.

Eventually they decided to go to their little meadow, for a smooch no doubt, and they both hopped into Bella's truck and left.


I stood and looked forlornly at Edward's Volvo, wondering why on earth he had let her drive, today of all days. I vaguely considered using his Volvo for my stunt, but I really didn't want to piss off Rosalie right now, as I thought about the pink thong, so I dismissed that idea. She could get very vindictive if anybody did anything to any of our cars.

Now, I had a pretty good plan of how to really annoy Bella, but that included her truck, which was gone.

I thought about it again for a few minutes. If I tried to take the truck later with Edward here, he would simply catch me up and kick me out of it, which would really spoil my fun. So what I needed was a distraction...

Less than an hour later I was back at Bella's place, and was really glad to find that both Edward and Bella were still out. I climbed up the side of the house, and left my distraction in Bella's room, being careful to shut the door and window firmly as I did.

Now all I have to do is wait.


We arrived back at Bella's after a pleasant afternoon in our meadow, a little before the time that I knew Charlie usually arrived home. Bella would need to start dinner straight away, and though I didn't enjoy the smell, I did enjoy watching her in her element. She was remarkably graceful and deft in the kitchen, and watching the surety of her movements there was always a pleasure.

As soon as I opened the car door though, a scent hit me that I simply didn't expect, and it seemed to be coming from Bella's house. She saw me hesitate as I opened her door for her a second later, as I tried to work out what it could possibly be that I could smell. It couldn't be what I thought it was... could it?

"What's the matter, Edward, you look like you've seen a ghost?" she said, with a gentle smile. She climbed out of the car and took my hand, leading me towards the house.

And the familiar scent only seemed to be getting stronger.

"I... It's impossible... but..." I could hear an unexpected noise coming from Bella's house, from her room in fact, and just before she opened the front door, I grabbed her hand away.

"What...?" She looked at me with her eyebrows raised; she looked almost as confused as I felt.

"I think Emmett has started with the revenge already," I said to her, and her eyebrows shot into her hairline.

"He can't! It's after midday now! It doesn't count!" she replied indignantly, but I simply rolled my eyes at her. As if that was going to stop Emmett.

"Just, can you wait downstairs while I check what he's left in your room for us? I have to say, if it's what I think it is, I'm going to find him and kick him into the middle of next week."

I left Bella in the living room, and I growled as fury trembled through my veins as I headed up the stairs. The danger Emmett had just put Bella in was absolutely unacceptable, and as I opened her bedroom door I simply could not believe that he had really done this.

Lying on Bella's bed, with its paws stretched out comfortably, was a large mountain lion. There were significant scratches around the window, where the poor creature had obviously tried to escape, but now it was simply lying down, having a nap.

Well, hello kitty.

"Emmett! I am going to throttle you when I catch you!" I snarled loudly, certain that he was close enough by to hear it. However crazy he was being, I knew he loved Bella, and he would never have simply left her in case I didn't come back with her to deal with the mountain lion.

As I spoke, the lion looked at me and began a low rumbling in its chest, without moving from its spot on the bed. I pitied the poor creature, I could smell the fear in the room, and despite it being my favourite meal, I knew that I wouldn't be able to bring myself to eat it here.

With Bella downstairs, I couldn't let myself give in to any kind of bloodlust; the risk to her would be too great. The danger from me was far more than that from a measly little lion. The mere thought that I might hurt her in a blood induce haze was unbearable, so I knew that I would have to escort the lion off of the premises, unharmed.

At that moment, I heard Bella's truck start.

"Bye bye, Eddie!" Emmett chuckled as he pulled away, and I groaned.

"Hey, my truck!" Bella squawked, and I heard the front door open, then close again quickly. "Edward, did you hear..."

I heard her start up the stairs, and I quickly shouted down to her to stop her.

"Bella, wait, I haven't dealt with Emmett's little gift yet, stay downstairs," I yelled, I thought fairly sternly, but she carried on anyway. Damnable girl, would she never do anything I asked?

Maybe I should try reverse psychology.

"What's he done to my room... oh." She stopped behind me, and I could hear her heart rate increase slightly when she spotted the lion, now crouched down defensively on her bed.

"Are you going to eat it?" she whispered suddenly. She almost sounded excited.

"What? No! Of course not, I just have to, I don't know, release it somehow."

"Why not?"

"I'm not hungry," I growled, not really willing to get into any kind of discussion about blood lust right now. "Really Bella, aren't you more concerned about the fact that there's a lion in your bedroom?"

"I'm not too impressed with all the scratches around my window frame; Charlie's going to be absolutely pissed about that. Plus, it looks like it's taken a whiz on my bed. But right now, I really want to know why Emmett just drove off in my truck!" She scowled out of the window, and I couldn't help but gaze at her beautiful face, all the more erotic for the kitten anger she was now displaying.

"I fear that our friend here is merely the distraction to lead onto the main event. We'll follow your truck, just as soon as I've dealt with the lion. Ok?" Only Bella could be standing here with me, perfectly calmly discussing Emmett, while a lion growls at us, coiled up ready to pounce.

"Can I watch?" she asked; the excitement evident in her voice again.

"If you must," I sighed, as I darted towards the lion, and caught it from behind.

It snarled ferociously at me, and as I wrestled with it I could hear Bella's heart racing in the doorway. She was in no danger from the lion, but still my natural instinct to protect her made it hard for me to see her in such close proximity to such a dangerous creature, even though I had the situation well under control.

After a few seconds I threw the still snarling animal across my shoulders, and jumped from Bella's bedroom window. I ran into the forest, towards the mountains, and within a couple of minutes I reached mountain lion territory, where I released it.

The lithe beast leapt from my arms, and after a final swipe at me, it bounded away. As I watched it go for a moment, I wondered if it had even the vaguest idea of quite how lucky it had been this afternoon.

For an instant I debated going after it again, but I decided that I had better return to Bella, and in turn find out what on earth Emmett was up to with her truck. A tiny part of me wondered if he was planning on doing anything... extreme to it.

Maybe I won't rush to find out where he's taken it...

Minutes later I was climbing back into Bella's bedroom window, to find her standing beside her freshly stripped bed. Her heart was beating fast, and its rate increased further as soon as she saw me.

"You're back!" she squealed.

"Yes, I'm fine; there was really nothing to worry about..." I began, concerned that she seemed to be reacting as if she was still afraid.

However, then she threw herself at me, virtually climbing me until her legs were wrapped around my waist in the most unladylike fashion.

"Christ, that was so hot, Edward!" she growled, as she began to kiss me furiously.

I kissed her back for a moment, the heat from her body arousing passions in me that made me forget all about the delicious mountain lion scent that still lingered in the room. After a few minutes though, I decided that it was time to stop, before we got carried away.

"Your truck, Bella?" I mumbled over her skin, as my lips trailed down her throat towards her collarbones.

She simply hummed in response, as she continued to kiss me. The heat was starting to distract me, and I finally had to pull back, before I really did do something I would regret. She groaned as she set back down on her feet.

"Where's Emmett taken it?" she groaned, she was flushed and looked almost ravished. It was a marvellous look for her.

"I don't know; we'll have to follow his scent." I led Bella downstairs and to my car, dinner for Charlie now long forgotten as we set off after Emmett.

As we left, I couldn't decide if I wanted us to ever find Bella's truck, or not.


As I waited for Edward and Bella to return from their smoochfest, I stayed close enough to Bella's house to be able to hear what was going on, but not so close that Edward would be able to hear my thoughts when they returned. After all, I didn't want my baby sister being eaten by my little gift for Edward now, did I?

Fortunately, Eddie heard old puss before he even got into the house, of course, and he kept Bella well away from the danger. I was close enough that if she had gone in on her own for some reason, I could have gone and retrieved it before she even reached her bedroom.

But she hadn't, and my distraction had worked perfectly. While Edward ummed and ahhed over how to deal with one teeny little lion, I snatched my opportunity, hotwired Bella's truck, and stole it.

One count of Grand theft auto, here we go.

Bella had shrieked as I started the car, but once I was away, there was nothing she could do to stop me. It wasn't as if Eddie could leave Bella home alone with her new pet either, so I was home free.

I soon drove into the forest beside our house, knowing exactly where I was going to leave Bella's truck.

Mess with my Rosie will ya? Ha ha, you have no idea who you're dealing with, little girl!

I knew that I had to work quickly, Edward would make short work of the kitty-cat, and Bella sounded pretty mad when I had last seen her, so I didn't think he'd be hanging around to come after me.

I hoisted the truck up onto my shoulder. It was a bit of a beast, and even I struggled to carry it, though that was mainly to do with size, rather than weight. Once it felt secure in my grasp, I began to climb the large fir tree on the side of the river. It was huge, one of the biggest for miles, and I was confident that finding her truck one hundred feet in the air in it, might give Bella second thoughts next year if she decided to try and trick me.

After lots of huffing and puffing, and one scary moment when I nearly dropped the damn thing, I had Bella's truck balanced securely in the uppermost branches of the tree, a good hundred feet from the ground.

Then all I could do was wait patiently. I originally climbed down the tree to wait, but after ten minutes, during which time they still hadn't arrived, I got bored and climbed up back into the tree again, beside the truck. It gave me a good view to see when they were coming, and gave me something else to look at other than trees. As trucks went, it was pretty ugly, but it could be cool if Rosie got her hands on it...

After waiting a little longer, I began to doubt that they were even coming for the thing. But just as I was about to give up and go home, I heard the familiar sound of the Volvo approaching.

"Emmett, you're a dead man," Edward growled as he approached.

"Bring it on little brother," I retorted, snorting with a confidence that I didn't feel.

A moment later they rounded the corner, and I caught the precise moment that Bella saw what I'd done. I guffawed as they climbed out of the Volvo, and looked up at me incredulously.

My guffaw hadn't gone unnoticed though, and in that moment a squirrel that I had obviously disturbed leapt out at me, its teeth bared savagely.


Now, I know I'm invulnerable, being a vampire and shit, but I HATE squirrels. Nasty little tree rats that look like they'd kill you as soon as look at you, and this one was coming straight at me.

I jumped out of the way, not paying attention to the way the car was balanced in the tree, and suddenly the fir bent backwards sharply. I was left hanging from the uppermost branch, with the car precariously balanced on the top of the tightly straining, bent double, tree.

"Emmett, careful," Edward said hurriedly. "If you let go..."

At that moment the squirrel came at me for a second round of attack, and scuttled its horrible little scratchy feet across my hands. I instinctively let go, and I felt the tree snap from my fingers as I did.

"My truck!" Bella shrieked, as the tree that I had been sitting in so securely a few seconds earlier, snapped back into place as I let go of it. Bella's truck was sent catapulting across the water of the river, flying in an obscure silence for a moment, before landing on the opposing bank with a resounding crash.

I landed on the floor with a thud at the same time, and seconds later I felt furious hot hands catch a hold of my hair. I looked up to see Bella glaring down at me furiously.

"You are going to get that!" she snarled, as Edward watched on in amusement.

"Squirrels eh? I see," Edward muttered under his breath, as an evil smile worked its way across his features.

"April fool?" I said as if it was a question, as I looked between the two of them.

Suddenly, there was a flump noise, followed by the smell of burning, and we all looked around in time to see Bella's truck explode. Smoke and flames shot from the mass of burning metal, along with various flying bits of what could now only be described as shrapnel.

Bella let go of my hair as her jaw dropped. I could see the flames reflected in her eyes, as an utterly flabbergasted expression filled them, and she walked towards this side of the river. Edward went and put an arm around her, but as he did he caught my eye, and winked.

"Emmett!" she suddenly shrieked, turning on me again in fury. "Did you really just blow up my truck, because of a squirrel?"

"Er..." As Bella stalked me, as if she was going to try to kick my butt right now, I wondered how long it would be until Edward decided to change her.

As when he does, I might take a rather long vacation.

Anyway, this gave me a little distraction from Waking Up, but I now have to go and get my nose back down to that! Leave me a review to say you stopped by!

I hope I managed to make you chuckle ;).

Til next time,