~* I got the idea for this story when I read Mathematica's story, Inbox, I couldn't resist typing up my own version. This story is a slightly AU multi-chapter story. It's AU mainly because it takes place after TESB and Han wasn't frozen in carbonite because Han being there just makes the story all the more funny.

It's also AU because many of the businesses and military names are not as they are in canon. I hope that you like it, sorry about it being AU, and this is the first chapter of my humorous multi-chapter, strictly Star Wars, though with me in it, story, reviews are much appreciated.

By the way, I'm in it, as my self, so 'nuff said when I say it will be random and not meant to be taken seriously but it won't be as random as Alagaesia Goes Crazy or my author's notes. I'll try to stick as close to Star Wars and not make it too AU and it will jump around a lot. That's why I'm putting when it takes place right next to where it says which voicemail it is.

Disclaimer- I don't own Star Wars, any of the real life allusions, any of the other world allusions or anything period, except me, and I'm only saying this once so don't bug me about it later.

Voicemail

By xXJedi Knight BlazeXx

Luke Skywalker's Voicemail

After The Empire Strikes Back

Hello, you have reached the voicemail box of Rebel and fledgling Jedi Luke Skywalker, um, should I be saying that out loud? Well, it's not like I can change it. Wait, Chewie! What are you doing here? I'm trying to finish my voicemail message. No, I don't know where Han is. I think he said something about going to a cantina. Well it would sound better if you didn't just butt in here. How in the world am I understanding…? Oh right, Threepio. Well, I'd better finish this message before I run out of t….

Beep

Luke, for one, why the kriffing hell did you tell Chewie I was in a Cantina? He's been trying to get me to stop drinking and ya know that ain't gonna to happen. Besides, I was with the Falcon and not in a cantina.

By the way, have you seen the Princess anywhere recently?

Ah, not that I care or anything.

Solo out.

Beep

rawg rawgggg rawwwwg! (Translation from Wookie: Why in the world did you tell me Han was in a cantina? You could have just told me you didn't know. Oh well, by the way, I find this cylindrical handle in the Falcon's cockpit. Did you lose your lightsaber again?!)

Beep

Luke, it's Leia, Mon Mothma and the others want to talk to you about how you keep, ah, losing your things. Last week, General Rieekan found your lightsaber stuck in between his and Ackbar's chair and a few days ago, they found it on top of Home One. How the Force did you manage that?

Beep

My Son, please reconsider joining me. As for cutting off your hand, you wouldn't give up so what was I supposed to do? Ahem, anyway, I'm sorry for that and to be truth my hand slipped. It was an accident, honest!

But please reconsider, I will await for your reply.

Beep

Luke, Wedge here, I'm serious when I say this but it was Wes's fault, I didn't do anything.

Beep

Wes here, it was Wedge, I swear it was, I didn't do…oh, hi Wedge. No, I'm just ordering some pizza. You want some? All right, make that two large pizzas with extra pepperoni and garlic on one of them. Thanks.

Beep

Kriff, kid, pick up your comlink or did you lose that too?

Beep

Commander Skywalker, Mon Mothma here. Why in the world is Wes Janson running down the hallways of Home One screaming, "Luke's gay!" all the time?

And are you?

Beep

Wedge put me up to it!

Beep

Wes did it by himself and tried to get me to do it!

Beep

Commander Skywalker, I was only asking, you don't need to take that tone with me. And I may not know much Huttese but I'm pretty sure "bantha poodoo sleemo" is an insult so please do not say that to me again.

Beep

Kid, what's Wes doing in the Medbay? There didn't look to be anything wrong with him?

Beep

Mr. Skywalker,

The information you requested has not been found yet but we are still searching for it. When we find the information, we will send it to you as you requested. Just remember it is a twenty-five credit fee to pay for the information and the shipping of it.

Your friends at the Mos Eisley Search Services and Co.

Remember, the fee must be paid up front.

Beep

Luke, my Son, what's this I hear about you requesting information form the MESS? They are a bunch of idiot who couldn't find information if it was right underneath their nose! I don't know what you're looking for, son, but I suggest try the Galaxy Search Services and Co., they actually look for the information.

By the way, what are you looking for anyway?

Beep

Mr. Skywalker,

Your book, Flying for Dummies, is 310 days over due and your fees stand at 1552 credits. Please have the money sent to us before the end of this decade if you would be so kind.

Beep

Commander Skywalker, this is Alyssa from MedBay, do you have any idea as to why Lt. Wes Janson is in here when there's nothing wrong with him?

Beep

Kid, why's there a Wookie sized picture of you in the Conference room? And why does it have "I'm a pansy" written all over it?

Beep

Don't kill me, please!

Beep

rawg rawwwwg rawwwg (Translation from Wookie: I took down the picture for you, you're welcome. By the way, what's a pansy?)

Beep

My Son, I was only asking you a simple question and you should know that I'm nearly fluent in Huttese so I do know of what you called me when we spoke. If you ever speak that way to me again, I will hunt you down and wash out your mouth with soap.

Though calling Palpatine a "idiotic bantha poodoo eating scarface sleemo" was kinda fun…No, I wasn't talking about him, get away from me, you incompetent idiot! (Static, the connection has been lost)

Beep

Kid, where are you? You said you would help clean out the Falcon today and Chewie wants to give you your lightsaber back. How the kriff did you lose it in the Falcon when you haven't been inside there since we left Bespin?

Beep

Luke, it's Leia, I'm going to kill you!!!!!!!!

Beep

Kid, you promised.

Beep

Wedge took it, not me! Please don't kill me!

Beep

Wedge here, Wes did it, I swear. Did he already contact you? Damn it, I'm going to kill him for setting me up.

Ah, unless you get to him first.

Poor Wes.

Beep

Why did I just see ya attacking Janson, Kid?

Beep

Sorry for accusing you, Luke. If I had known Wes stole that picture of me from you, I would have done more damage than you did.

Maybe I will still do it.

Beep

Ahhhh! Help me, Luke, help! I've got a crazy woman after m…Uh oh, I don't think I should have called Princess Leia crazy.

In the background: what?! (Blaster fire and static sound, the connection has been lost)

Beep

My son, the offer to rule the galaxy as father and son still stands even though I am still pretty angry that you cursed me out that way and thought I didn't understand you.

I'm not an idiot.

Beep

Mon Mothma here, what in the world happened last night? You looked pretty out of it, have you been drinking?

Beep

Ha, Wes deserves what you're doing to him though I did warn you not to down Corellian whiskey.

By the way, Hobbie taped the whole thing from that day and, well, I can't seem to get the holocam back.

Please don't kill me!

Beep

My son, why in the world are holovids of you dressed in a pink tutu and singing a strange song called Barbie Girl? If you wanted some attention, you just had to ask, you didn't need to go through extra lengths to get someone's attention.

By the way, what the Force is Barbie Girl supposed to be about?

Beep

Hobbie here, I'm sorry, Luke, I'm sorry. I didn't think it would spread through the HoloNet so fast. Wes told me to take the holocam with me, please don't kill me!

Beep

Tycho here, Luke, it was all Hobbie, Wes was too drunk last night to even think about bringing a holocam.

Beep

I didn't do it, I didn't, ah crap, Han's here, I'm out.

Beep

Kid, don't worry, I took care of Derek, or Hobbie or whatever the kriffing hell his name is, for you and Chewie's working on deleting the movie from the HoloNet.

No need for thanks, Kid.

Though you still owe me, you haven't cleaned out the Falcon yet.

Solo out.

Beep

Mon Mothma here, do you have any idea as to why there was glue and pink paint on all of the seats in the conference room? I have a funny feeling Janson had something to do it.

Beep

Hahahaha, thast wash sho funnish, Ish wuff doinish thatshs nad Ish sho happshi…(Translation from unknown language: Hahaha, that was so funny. I love doing that and I'm so happy…)

Beep

Wedge here, Wes just passed out in the middle of leaving a message for you. Yeah, he drank way too much too early and I can't even make out what he's trying to say. I do know that he was the one that put glue and pink paint on the seats in the conference room.

How the blazes he did that drunk, I do not know.

Beep

My Son, I'm glad that holovid has been deleted from the HoloNet though I'm still wondering as to how someone was able to make you do that. I wasn't that much of a pansy that I would give in to someone else's everyone whim and…What in the world are you doing in my private chambers? Yes, I did tell you to inform me when we dropped out of hyperspace but next time, knock! What was that? I understand Huttese, you incompetent idiot! (Static, connection has been lost)

Beep

Kid, I found your lightsaber, again, and this time it was hidden in the woman's refresher. How the kriffing hell did you get it in there?

Solo out.

Beep

It was Wes, WES DID IT!

Beep

Is this Commander Skywalker? If it is, finally, I've been trying to get a hold of you forever but why aren't you answering my calls? Gee, I only ask for one drink and you go all kamikaze on me and why did you give me the comlink number of someone called Janson?

Beep

Hey, did you receive a call from a Blaze? She was trying to contact you earlier but kept getting me.

Beep

Mr. Skywalker,

We have received a report on your abilities in piloting and we have decided, after months of looking through rejection piles for a right candidate, we have decided to give you a call. If you are interested in joining the Imperial Starfleet, please contact me at 999-999-9999.

Beep

I'm going to kill Wedge!

Beep

It's Blaze again, just wanted to let you know that the next time you ever call me back and insult me, I will hunt you down, slice you open with a vibroblade and toss your remains into the depths of space. I don't care who the kriff you are!

Beep

I take it things didn't go well with Blaze. Well, oh well, I doubt she'll be able to find you.

Beep

Mr. Skywalker,

The Imperial Academy could use you and perhaps you shouldn't call back while you're drunk or in a bad mood. The Empire will not stand for that!

Beep

Mr. Skywalker, your book, Dealing With Sith Lord Fathers, has come in and will be held at the Naboo Archives until next week. Please come pick it up as soon as you possibly can.

Thank you.

Beep

My son, excuse my earlier outburst. The offer still stands.

By the way, this person known as Blaze just stopped by and asked your location. I'm starting to wonder if she's stupid for walking straight into my Star Destroyer as if she owned the place.

Strike that, she is stupid…What in the world are you doing in my private communication chambers? What's it to you who I'm talking to? I'm the one in charge here. How dare you call me a incompetent idiot in a metal suit? Anakin's DEAD! How the hell did you know about that? You're this close to overstepping your boundaries, you idiot. If you don't shut up, I'm going to slice your head off! What's that? Ah crap, the comlink's still on, isn't it? Great.

Beep

Blaze here, ha, your dad is so stupid.

Beep

It's Blaze again, of course I know what happened. I'm an all seer and I…ah crap, Vader's waking up, bye!

Beep

My Son, as I said before, the offer still stands and no, I was not going to kill this Blaze. What's all this talk about an all seer? I've never heard of such a thing.

Beep

Kid, why is there pink and purple pant on the Falcon? I'm going to kill you when I get my hands on you. What was that, Chewie? Oh okay, I'll kill Wes then, where is he?

Beep

Leia here, Luke, the council wants to speak with you, they say it's time for our assault on the Empire.

Beep

~* That was the first chapter and I hope you like it. I tried to make it as humorous as I possibly could without bring in too many random aspects and allusions. Please review and I'll post the next chapter as soon as I possibly can but I doubt it will be until next week.

~Blaze~