A/N: Wow, it's been so long since I posted a one-shot. :( I honestly hate school. If I could choose, I'd spend every waking hour writing for St. Berry. Unfortunately, there's this little thing called 'school' people seem to think is important, so that's where I spend most of my time. :/ I just watched "Prom Queen" and I was happy and upset at the same time. (*spoiler alert!) Before the episode aired, I totally thought Rachel was singing Jar of Hearts to Jesse, so I was actually really excited when I realized she was singing it to Finn instead. Also, anyone notice Rachel smiling when she was singing Rolling in the Deep with Jesse and having to put a show face on when he came to face her again? I was shrieking like crazy in my basement as soon as he walked in! Plus they totally showed the whole BFF aspect to St. Berry (considering how I always thought Finn had the "friend" part of a relationship and Puck had the "sex" part of a relationship, and Jesse gave both but on a whole new level). But I was pissed that they made Quinn seem justified in hitting Rachel when she clearly wasn't. Plus Finn was a douche, plain and simple. I wonder what Jesse was doing to Rachel's neck though…*wiggles eyebrows*. Also, thanks SO, SO much for all the reviews, favorites, and alerts! They mean so much to me, and I don't think I can ever begin to describe how much some of them just brighten up my day! :') Anyways, on with the one-shot! Let me know what you think!
PS-I don't even know where the title for this one came from. It was more of an instinctive thing. :D
PPS-Soon (like when school ends) I'm going to be editing all the one-shots in this collection. I was rereading them a while ago and realized how many mistakes I have and how much should be changed.
PPPS-I have at least 72 ideas for St. Berry one-shots and this collection, but that's obviously a bunch. I plan to have the majority of them posted before the summer ends (so like early September), but we'll see. I'm super excited! :)
PPPPS-Does anyone actually read my A/Ns? I feel like no one does and I just ramble on and on and on. If you've actually gotten to this point, kudos to you. :3 In fact, I have a question for you: what is the one scene you've always wanted to see with St. Berry? Drop it in a review or PM!
Disclaimer: Glee is owned by FOX. Credits to Way You Love Me go to Faith Hill.
Summary: Rachel turns to the one person she knows she can count on. Set during 'Born This Way'.
Story Type: AU/AT
Character Type: Jesse/SlightOOC, Rachel/SlightOOC
Rating: T (PG-13)
Pairing: St. Berry
Inspiration Behind One-Shot: Flaws and All by Beyoncé
Lay All Your Trust On Me, Baby
"I think all women go through periods where we hate this
about ourselves, we don't like that. It's great to get to a place
where you dismiss anything you're worried about.
I find flaws attractive. I find scars attractive."
Rachel couldn't understand why everyone was giving her such a hard time about getting a nose job. It was her body, and she could do whatever she wanted with it. It wasn't like she was going on a crazy new fad diet to lose a bunch of weight. She was just slightly altering her nose with a procedure that could possibly enhance her vocals as well. Besides, most of the kids protesting her decision were kids who had teased her about her looks (especially her nose) in the past.
She flung herself onto her bed face down with a growl of frustration. She didn't like this feeling, this indecision. She wanted to talk to someone about it, anyone, but her dads would merely give their supportive "do whatever feels right, baby girl" and she really didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone in glee club about it. In the past she would have gone to Finn, but that was clearly out of the picture now. She had been reluctant to admit he had given her up for Quinn, but after several attempts, she realized her efforts were futile and in a very un-Rachel Berry-like fashion, she gave up. After a while, she was happy to say she could see the two of them holding hands while walking down the hall and feel nothing, not even a twinge of longing or jealousy. She turned onto her side and rubbed the pad of her thumb across her bejeweled phone clutched tightly in her hand debating what she was about to do.
They hadn't talked since their breakup, and she wasn't even sure if he would answer her call. She wouldn't if she were him. Ever since Jesse left, she spent an agonizing amount of hours poring over every detail of their relationship and where it went wrong. She tried again and again to find any way to put all the blame on him, to see the situation black and white—Jesse had lied to her, used her, and humiliated her, all while introducing her to the mother she always wanted only to be dumped by both in the end.
But it wasn't black and white. Actually, it was so many different shades of grey, Rachel got dizzy just thinking about all of them. There were so many factors, so many outside causes that led to the destruction of what could have been beautiful. And it was only then that she could finally let the events that led to their nasty breakup seep into her mind that had been her fault and her fault alone. Once she realized it was not only Jesse's fault they had come to a tumultuous end, but hers as well, she let go of the anger she held towards him and began to properly mourn the loss of what should have been. Then the guilt began to seep in when she realized how all the blame had been placed on him and him alone.
She flipped open her pink bedazzled phone and scrolled to the name 'MELCHIOR' in her contacts. (After Santana had accused her of not deleting him from her contacts, she had changed his contact name, unable to actually erase him from her life for forever—despite the fact that she had his number memorized). Spring Awakening had been one of their favorites, and too few people knew of it in this deadbeat of a town. Her finger hovered over the call button.
There were so many pros and cons to what she was about to do. She trusted him completely, despite their given past, and she knew he would give her his honest, unedited opinion. He would give her the advice she needed to hear, and she would listen to it without feeling attacked like she had with her so-called friends. She would be able to hear his voice again…god, she missed his voice. On the other hand, she was placing the same trust in him he had already broken once before. Just because she had forgiven him didn't mean she was going to jump back into his arms (although deep down she knew that was a lie; if presented the opportunity, she would most definitely do so—both literally and metaphorically). With a sigh of irritation and determination, she pressed the button. She hesitantly held it up to her ear in trepidation, silently begging for him to pick up the phone. It rang once, twice, three tim—
She gave a small smile of relief that he hadn't ignored her call, and the tension drained out of her body as soon as she heard his voice.
"Hello?" his musical voice called out again, irritation finally beginning to seep into it.
"Jesse?" she asked hesitantly. The was a long pause.
"Rachel?" he managed to choke out. She heard some rustling in the background before it stopped and all she could hear was his heavy breathing. "Rach?" he asked again, this time a little more tentatively.
"Hey," she said quietly. "How are you?"
Jesse ran a hand through his hair, not believing that he was actually talking to Rachel Berry on the phone, let alone without her cursing and screaming at him.
"I've been better," he answered honestly. He got up from his desk chair, homework and studying forgotten, and made his way over to his bed where he sat back against the wall, knees slightly bent towards him. "How are you?" he asked.
She smiled. "Same as always. Trying to prepare for a competition Mr. Schue magically forgot about until the date seems to be right around the corner…trying to survive high school…you know." He laughs softly.
"I do," he agrees, a carefree smile lounging across his facial features happy they seemed to so easily fall back into the playful banter they both loved so much, "although maybe not so much about that first one. Vocal Adrenaline prepares months before competitions." She laughed along with him at New Direction's lack of proper preparation skills.
"So how's UCLA?" she asked after awhile, curiosity and excitement clear in her voice. He was happy about that; she genuinely wanted to know what he was up to and how he was doing. He ran his hand through his hair again and sighed in resignation.
"It's tough," he admitted. "I'm so used to being the golden boy at Carmel with all the perks of being the lead of Vocal Adrenaline. Seems like this college actually wants be to go to classes and do work and learn and all of that," he ended with fake shock and astonishment. She laughed at his words and shook her head before snuggling into a more comfortable position on her bed. Her head sunk even further into her pillow, and she hugged her knees up to her chest, phone held gently to one ear.
"What classes are you taking?" she asked. He began to launch into a whole description of his weekly schedule along with little side notes of classmates, teachers, and the nooks and crannies of the campus. After he finished, she was smiling in contentment. "It sounds like even though the adjustment is hard, you're doing pretty well Jess," she told him, using her old nickname for him. He couldn't help the elation that spread through him at hearing her use that nickname.
"I am," he said slowly after absorbing her words. Now that he thought about it, it was true. He was adjusting better than he could have ever imagined at college. "There is one very important thing missing though," he added teasingly.
"What?" she asked curiously.
"You," he quipped, a smirk crossing his face. She laughed loudly at that.
"Trust me, Jesse, if I had the opportunity to finish high school right now and start college, I'd jump on the first plane."
He mulled over her answer for a moment before coming to a conclusion. "Things that bad?" he asked. She sighed wistfully. "What happened?" he asked before she could answer, his eyes focusing in front of him as if she were really there, his posture shifting to a slightly more attentive stance. After a few seconds, she launched into a long, detailed description of everything that had happened from the moment he left. Every miniscule detail. For a moment, she had contemplated leaving the details of hers and Finn's relationship out like her letting him finally touch her breasts, being formally introduced to his mom as his girlfriend and actually being a bridesmaid in her wedding, or finding out about Finn lying to her about sleeping with Santana. She wiped the thought away as soon as it came; this was Jesse. He wouldn't be judgmental.
She finally worked her way to the present and her newest conflict: getting a nose job. She tried to present to him the same logic she had presented to everyone she'd told, and he listened as she explained it all: the procedure, the aftermath, the benefits, the risks. After she was finally done, she waited for him to speak. All she could hear was her own slightly labored breathing from talking so much. She waited nervously for him to speak, to hear his reaction. When he finally did speak, she was relieved to hear his voice free of the accusation and dig her "friends'" voices held in the aftermath.
"What brought this on so suddenly?" he asked. His voice gave away none of his feelings, feelings he wouldn't reveal to her until he knew the full situation. It was something she had realized early on in their relationship and a characteristic she admired about him. She tried explaining her nose already being broken and the benefits it would give her, but he stopped her halfway through.
"The truth, Rach," he whispered. She didn't answer for a moment before sighing. She should have known she couldn't hide things from him. Out of everyone in the world, he knew her the best…better than she knew herself sometimes. She didn't know whether that scared her or elated her.
She slowly began to reveal her insecurities to the boy who had captured her heart, bearing her soul to the one person who ever cared enough to…well, care. He was quiet again, but this time she wasn't nervous about having just poured out all her feelings to him or what he would think of her; she was nervous of what he would think she should do. Before he can talk, she added another comment.
"Jess, some of the teasing would stop," she said softly. He rubbed his eyes conflicted over the phone. He knew how much of a show face she plastered on her face every day, how often she hid her true feelings about the teasing and daily torture she was subjected to. At the same time, getting a nose job would do absolutely nothing for her self-esteem. Sure, the teasing would stop, but the hurt would only be replaced by something else. He tried to think over his words painstakingly before speaking.
"I need you to listen very carefully to what I'm about to say," he said softly. "You, Rachel Berry, are perfect. I don't care what anyone else says, but you are beautiful inside and out." A few tears slipped down her cheeks at the strained sincerity in his voice and chock full of emotion. "You're passionate," he continued, "and you're strong. You've been dealing with so much crap ever since you were little, and you still stand tall and proud every day and walk down those halls. Your talent and voice are indescribable, and I don't think there's a single person who could ever meet you and not remember you. Yes, Rachel, you have flaws just like everyone else, but those flaws make you the perfect Rachel Berry." The tears just kept coming, and she accidentally let out a few sniffles alerting him to her cries.
"No one's ever said that to me," she choked out, "not even my dads. But Jess, there's so much more to it than all that," she said frustrated. "It's not all sunshine and rainbows. I'm selfish, and I'm not a team player, and for god's sake, I sent a girl to a crack house! I'm not pretty; I'm not Quinn Fabray. I just…" Her voice faded off as she failed to find the words to describe the jumbled mess in her head.
"Inactive," he reminded her instinctively as he recalled her telling him about the tiny girl named Sunshine who seemed exceedingly annoying already, and he hadn't even met her. "And would someone who's selfish give up her solos to someone who desperately needed a spring in their step? Or to make a new member feel needed so your team could compete?" Silence. "You're so used to everyone telling you all the negative repercussions of your actions, but they never tell you all the good you bring. They would never be where they are today if it weren't for you." She smiled weakly through her tears at the statement, and she wouldn't deny it had some truth to it. She did carry this team alone, and they failed to give her recognition for that. "And first of all, this world has enough bitchy cheerleaders who are brats and throw tantrums when they don't get what they want before seeking to destroy their rival's life." She squirmed at his use of language, but she didn't interrupt him. "Second of all, 'not pretty'? Are you kidding me Rachel? Do you know how many hard-ons I got when we were together?"
Her cheeks began to turn a deep shade of red as she registered his last words. "I'm s-sorry," she managed to verbalize through her embarrassment and nerves. He laughed loudly at her words for a good ten seconds before his laughs finally died down into chuckles.
"You're the only girl I know who would apologize for turning on her boyfriend at said time," he laughed, and she joined in (despite her slight ignorance when it came to sex) when she realized how absurd her own words sounded to her when she thought them over. Their laughs died down and the silence overtook them again, both sides of the line deathly quiet. They were both waiting for the other to cave, for one to be the catalyst to break the stillness that had quickly overcome them both. The silence only seemed to stretch on, and for a minute she truly believed he had hung up, and she reached to do the same before his voice sounded through her phone.
"There are always going to be things about yourself that you don't like Rachel," he told her, "and they're sometimes things others don't like as well. But you need to push past that and accept those things as a part of you."
She snorted. "You sound like Mr. Schuester." He chuckled at her comment but waits for her to address what he had said. After a few moments, she licked her lips and said worriedly, "But no one else will be able to accept those things. No one's ever going to like me if I stay as…me. No one accepts me now except for my dads, and I guess you a bit, but that's it really. I can't think of anyone else," she ended sadly, a forlorn expression dominant on her face.
"A little? I love every goddamn part of you, Rachel Berry, and don't you forget that," he said sternly. She started a little at his firm tone, and she became teary eyed again.
"Don't tell me I don't mean it, Rachel," he interrupted. "I meant every word I said, and you are every guy's dream girl and the friend every person should wish they could have." He felt his veins pumping with adrenaline, his entire body revved up by the conversation they were having. He hated how these people made her so insecure. He hated how she felt so comfortable running to him in a time of need, but refused to believe he loved her for her. He hated how sure he was that nobody had ever told her these things before in her life.
Over on the other line, Rachel's tears had once again spilt over, tear tracks marking her face. She couldn't even begin to verbalize how much his words meant to her, and in that moment she had never wished so much for him to be standing right next to her so she could show him. "Jesse, I—" her voice full of tears started only to be interrupted.
"Rachel, honey, it's time to go to bed," her dad, Hiram, said gently from her doorpost. He gave her an apologetic look knowing this conversation seemed to be important since she was crying, but it was already past two in the morning and she had school the next day. Rachel looked at the clock and seemed to sag when the time registered.
"Okay Dad," she said quietly. He nodded and walked in to drop a kiss on her head whispering a caring "Goodnight" before walking back out and closing the door gently to give her privacy while she said her goodbyes.
"I'm guessing you have to turn in for the night," Jesse said, a hint of regret colouring his tone. She sighed.
"Yeah…" There was a moment of silence before Rachel realized something. "Oh my god!" she cried. "You were probably studying when I called." Guilt began to crash through her as she became conscious of how long she had kept him. "I'm so sorry, Jesse, I really didn't realize how late it had gotten."
He laughed gently, glad at how the mood had shifted from melancholy to…whatever this was, and for some reason her comment filled him with joy. He grinned as the feeling of happiness coursed through him and spread throughout his room (which really was beginning to look like a pigsty he noted, his nose wrinkling in disdain).
"It's okay, I wouldn't want to be spending my time any other way," he said truthfully, and she smiled, brushing away the remainder of her tears. "Besides, I'd pretty much take anything over contemporary science any day." She laughed noticing that his contempt of schoolwork had not changed since she last saw him.
"I'll let you get back to studying then," she said, laughter still coating her voice. There was a pause before his voice sounded back through the phone.
"Will I speak to you again? Can I…call you or text you sometime?" he asked nervously, and she was surprised. Jesse St. James didn't get nervous (or at least according to her knowledge—he'd never let her know that he spent hours doing his hair and was still left unhappy with it before their first date). A sentimental smile graced her face when she realized he wanted to talk to her again just as much as she did.
"I'd really like that," she answered softly. He had an identical smile on his face but sighed knowing their conversation was at a close.
"I don't want to hang up either," she admitted, practically reading his mind.
"I know…" he said.
"Think of it this way though; it's not a goodbye," she said on an upbeat note.
"True," he admitted. There was silence once more before he spoke up again. "Goodnight, Rach," he whispered tenderly.
"Goodnight, Jesse," she replied similarly. They both unwillingly pressed the 'end' button and Rachel turned so she lay spread-eagle on her pink comforter. The conversation had lasted for so long, but there was still so much left unsaid. With Jesse, she never had enough. She could spend a lifetime with him and never get tired of him. It was such a contrast with Finn who she (although she'd never spoken it aloud to anyone) could only take in small doses before his personality started to irk her.
Irritated her conversation was cut short, she got up and began to get ready for bed (not before leaving herself a note to talk to her dads and call her doctor about cancelling that appointment; she wouldn't be needing it anymore) before climbing under the covers. She flopped back and forth for ten minutes unable to find a comfortable position. Jesse filled her mind, snippets of her time with him before he left to college on a never-ending loop. She still wasn't sure if he wanted to talk to her again, because the thought of Jesse St. James being eager to speak to her again was both shocking and slightly impractical. Her eyes were still wide open, mind still racing when her phone vibrated and lit up on her nightstand. She grabbed it and looked to see who it was from. 'MELCHIOR'. She grinned and quickly flipped it open to see what he had written.
'Someday I'll find a way to show you just how lucky I am to know you.'
A/N: Well, this was supposed to be a short one-shot when I realized I'd already hit over 3,000 words. Soooo, not sure how this one turned out. Tell me what you think? Comment? Criticism? Just love JGroff or St. Berry as much as I do? :D
Reviews get faster posts.
And more St. Berry.
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donation to the
"Let's kidnap Ryan Murphy
and force him to turn Glee
into a full St. Berry-fest."
You know you can't resist.
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