A/N: Yeah I know... why am I writing this when I already have 2 other fics on the go that I'm barely updating? the answer is I have no freaking idea! I was just chatting to some friends and this sort just of happened and I kind of HAD to write it. I am slowly working on the chapters of my other fics it's just hard trying to do angsty or angry these days... So here I am trying to do a bit of humour... hope it works lol... Thanks to Fallanydeeper for betaing!
Disclaimer: Still don't own Twilight... but now I have cardboard cut outs of Edward AND Jasper, can you say lame? (I do love being lame though)
The alarm began blaring out some lame generic pop song. Groaning, I rolled onto my side to hit snooze. Instead of my bedside table, my hand hit soft mattress which wasn't right. My bed was a single and this was clearly a double that I was lying in. Confused, I began to open my eyes. How much had I drunk last night? Looking around the room I realised it wasn't even mine. It was clearly a girl's room. There wasn't anyone in the bed next to me so I just assumed they'd gone for a shower or something. Perfect, it meant I'd be able to have a quick snoop to see what the girl looked like and do a runner if I wasn't keen. Yeah I was a bit of a jerk, but I was young and good looking, why the hell wouldn't I get as much as I could while I still actually could?
The alcohol must have seriously messed with my head because I suddenly felt a lot shorter than usual. Fuck I was not going to drink again for at least a week. Then again, I probably wouldn't last two days without going to a club again. What can I say? I'm insatiable.
The girl that lived here was clearly a bit of a slob. Clothes were just thrown all over the place. I picked up a pair of small, black lacy thongs, nice, not too shoddy at all. Maybe I'd hang around after all.
I walked out of the room in search of the kitchen, I needed food. Food was my friend when my head felt like this. I heard some singing coming from one direction and decided to follow it. It was the moment of truth I guess. There was a blonde hovering over the stove cooking something or other. She was wearing some tight shorts and a small tank top thingy. Her ass looked great. I just stood and admired.
"Are you just going to stand there or can you pass me the plates? Pancakes okay for you?" she asked. I silently crept up behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist, placing my head on her shoulders. The girl must have been fucking tall though or I'd shrunk over night or something, maybe the room had been really hot, can people shrink in the heat like clothes?
"Damn you're affectionate this morning."
"Mmmm." I replied burying my face in her neck.
"Bells, how much did you drink last night? Did you get laid or something? Because he must have been one hell of a fuck, you're usually a complete bitch this early," that was a strange thing to say.
"Who the fuck is Bells?" I asked. Okay what the hell was up with my voice? That wasn't mine. That was way too high, I hadn't sounded anywhere near anything like that since before my freaking balls dropped. They can't un-drop can they? The blonde chick turned around and gave me a weird look. "Shit how much did you drink? God you haven't drunk yourself into a state of amnesia again have you? I'm not fucking teaching you everything again. Alice can do it this time. It's her fault you even went out."
"What the hell are you going on about?" I asked. My voice was still all squeaky. I coughed trying to clear my throat. "And what the fuck is up with my voice?"
"It sounds fine to me. Why don't you go lie back down or something, I'll bring you the pancakes, you'll just owe me."
"Are you going to come with me?" I asked suggestively. She just burst out laughing.
"Oh sweetie, you know if I swung that way you'd be the first person I called," she chuckled as she kissed my cheek. Well shit. Who the fuck did I sleep with last night then?
I went back into the room I was in originally. I couldn't hear anyone else in the apartment unless they were being like, I don't know, really quiet somewhere. I was so damn confused. I looked around the room for pictures or anything to let me know what this chick looked like. I managed to find a purple vibrator just lying there for all to see underneath her underwear in her draw. Okay so maybe it wasn't that clear to see, but I mean why wouldn't I check those drawers?
On top of the dresser that contained her items of 'fun', was a frame; in that frame was a picture of three women. One of the women was the blonde from the kitchen, and another was what appeared to be a short girl with dark hair. She was really pretty, cute in a girly sort of way, not the type I'd usually go for but she wasn't bad. The third was fucking hot. She was medium height with long brown hair that went to her elbows. Her tits looked like the perfect size. They were big but still looked natural. Her lips looked full and pouty yet she didn't look like she'd been stung by a bee, which was a fresh thing to see these days, what with all the plastic surgery chicks were having. This one looked all natural to me. I was really hoping she was the owner of the room because if not I would probably cause their friendship a few problems, I couldn't just leave her alone now I'd seen her.
Blondie chose this moment to walk in with the food.
"You okay? You seem a bit off." How would she know what off was like for me?
"I'm fine." I replied. Really, when was my voice coming back? Sounding prepubescent was growing very old, very fast. She just looked at me warily before leaving the room again. Where was the bathroom in this place? I needed a piss and perhaps throwing some water on my face would help clear my head a bit.
I stood in front of the toilet and lowered my pants. That was the moment I realised I'd lost my fucking mind.
That had probably been one of the best night's sleep I'd had in a long time. I snuggled further into the bed before realising why I'd slept so well. My fucking alarm hadn't gone off. I shot up in a panic. Alice would kill me if I wasn't at the shop by 10am. We both worked as checkout girls, glamorous I know, but it wasn't too bad. We spent most of the time just messing about. The shop didn't have too many customers so really the only downside to the job was the shitty pay and having to wake up before midday.
I looked around the room for the clock. This wasn't my room. Shit. Alice was going to die, the evil cow made me go out last night. Okay so she didn't have to do much persuasion, but still, it was her idea.
"Bella, do you want to go that club tonight?" asked Alice.
"Which one?" I replied.
"Errrm, I don't know… the one with music." She shrugged.
"Sure, why not? I could do with some fun."
"Bells, you only went out last night." Rose cut in.
"Really?" Wow I was losing track of things these days. They both just nodded at me.
"Huh," was my articulate response.
I groaned and flopped back onto the bed. I was going to kill Alice if I got fired over this. I rolled over onto my stomach, burying my face in the soft pillows. At least who ever this guy was knew how to choose good bedding. That's when I started to notice things were weird. For one I noticed nothing was obstructing my chest from the mattress. My stomach was flat on it and my arms, it was like my boobs had vanished. Being this close to the bed also made me realised the most fucked up thing. It couldn't be possible.
I quickly rolled over onto my back again and looked down and there it was in all its glory, a fucking penis. It was pretty big too. If it wasn't my own I'd be impressed. It was a good length and width. I'd have counted it as a good night if I'd had a chance to play with one like that usually, which brought me right back to the main dilemma…. My fucking peen. There were other differences. I mean I didn't justhave a cock; but my tits were gone, my legs were hairy, I had fucking chest hair and I had some pretty decent muscles. I needed a mirror.
I managed to find the bathroom pretty quickly. It was an en suite and the door was open. Shame I didn't get to use my amazing detective skills to find it. It was kind of amusing wandering around strange men's places, hiding around corners, humming the mission impossible theme tune while on an operation to piss. I was easily pleased. Simple things please simple minds and all that shit, apparently.
I took a deep breath before looking in the mirror. Well that wasn't me. It wasn't even like a male version of me. I had brown hair and brown eyes usually, so why was my hair suddenly some weird reddish brown colour and my eyes green? I just stood gaping. Five minutes later I was still staring. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what the fuck had happened. The last thing I remembered was the Sambuca, lots of Sambuca. This couldn't be real. I mean this wasn't even something I could imagine happening, okay maybe I could, I did often find myself pondering the strangest shit.
Maybe this wasn't real, maybe I'd drunk myself into a coma. It seemed likely. Maybe I had a drinking problem. Okay, so if this was a dream then I was going to take full advantage of this shit. I decided to look in the mirror again and this time instead of freaking out about the fact it wasn't me, I focused on who it was. And whoever it was; was fucking hot. The jaw was perfectly angular with a light brushing of stubble. I felt myself getting hard. That has got to be the last thing I would ever imagine myself thinking. I was getting hard over myself, or I think it was meant to be myself. Jesus Christ was I confused. Hot, but confused. The boner I was currently sporting wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world either. Well I had always said if I was a bloke for the day the first thing I'd do would be to have a wank.
I'd done this countless times before so I knew what to do, it just felt too damn weird to be doing it to myself, but fuck did it feel good. I just stared at myself in the mirror, gazing at the way the muscles in my arm tensed as I slid my hand up and down my cock. The muscles in my stomach were taught and looked oh so lickable. The feel of my hand felt indescribable. No wonder the guys in high school had always walked around with their hands in their pants. If I'd had one then I would of too. I was picturing I was me and whoever this guy was had me bent over the sink and just kept thrusting deep inside me, hitting the most amazing angle. I felt an odd sensation as my balls began to tighten and what felt like electricity flowed through my body causing every muscle to tense before everything relaxed instantly as I shot my load. It was seriously the strangest feeling I'd ever had. I was fucking awesome though, I did have to admit.
As amazing as the dream was I couldn't help but wonder when the hell it was going to end. Being a man was pretty disorientating, I had to admit, and I wasn't used to feeling this tall. I made my way back over to the bed and lay back down feeling pretty spent already, no wonder guys always fell asleep after sex, I guess they weren't just being dicks after all.
I fell back to sleep pretty quickly but was woken up by a knock at the door. "Alice, Rose! Can you get the door?" I called. No one replied. I couldn't even hear people wandering around the place. All I could hear was the knocking.
"Edward!" a voice called from outside. I opened my eyes. Shit. I was still in the random room and I still had a fucking penis.
A/N: Well there you have it.. my first attempt at humour, I hope I didn't mess up too bad. Loves you all!