We lay together in a pressing darkness, the air humid and close on both our skins, with only the subdued light of the stars far above to see each other's faces by.
Near's eyes were smouldering a glittering onyx as they pierced my own, full of a fire we both knew only one thing would extinguish. I held his gaze only so long before it overpowered me, and I ducked my head to nip at his neck, wanting nothing more in that moment than to indulge him. His answering moan sent ripples through my entire body, and with a whine of my own I wrapped both my arms securely around his waist, pulling him closer still.
He found my eyes again, and put one hand on my bare, shuddering chest, his expression almost curious. There was little for Near to be curious about, seeing as his knowledge stretched so far beyond most other people's, but in this topic he was utterly clueless. It was almost reassuring to know that even he had his areas of weakness.
His other area of weakness was, of course, myself.
I moaned at his touch, and his lips twisted a little in a grin. Dropping his gaze to his hand, he began to trace his spindly fingers across my skin, and I let out a shaky gasp. The action had hardly any more force behind it than a breath of wind, but it was enough to set my heart on fire.
Near smiled a little wider, continuing the motion slowly and carefully, looking thoroughly involved in what he was doing. I fought off the impulse to writhe insanely, afraid to interrupt his actions.
Gradually I could feel his cool fingertips pressing harder into me, and with a small strangled noise I shifted to bite again, all along his jaw and down his throat. I could feel the blood pulsing under his pale skin, almost in time with my own heartbeat; fast and vital. I lifted my head to groan some more.
As every time in the past, the urgency of my voice broke through to Near easily, and in reply he sighed desperately.
"M-Mello..." he moaned softly, and my vision suddenly blurred as a film of red slid across. I'd seen red before, but this was a different red to the kind most people know. It was so, so much more.
I had to sigh as well, marvelling at how he could make the one word sound so beautiful. My hand knotted, almost subconsciously, in his hair, and I moved my lips to meet his own.
I felt his tongue, tentative at first, slide across his bottom lip, holding back until I gave to go ahead. I parted my lips slightly more to allow his entry, and as I felt his tongue squirm into my own mouth my body gave a sudden convulsion, jerking closer still to him, a muffled moan escaping me. Fucking hell, how did he do that to me?
His hands fell away from my chest, and began to descend down my spine towards my hips. I felt goosebumps rising all over me where his touch had been, and my hands imitated his, but instead crawled slowly for his shoulders. He sighed, our mouths still interlocked, and in return I bucked my hips, just gently, against him.
His response was immediate, and more violent than I'd anticipated. His hands twitched and accelerated downwards, his own body pushing forcefully back against mine.
Unthinkingly I bucked right back again, the action coming naturally, it seemed, to me. At long last Near chose to end our kiss, gasping for breath, his eyes rolling a little. His small smile had been replaced by a larger, slightly demonic one now, and once he'd caught his breath he spoke at last.
"M-Mello...n-now? P-please...please Mello...please can we...?"
He tailed off, looking deep into my eyes. I knew exactly what he was getting at though, and perhaps it seems a little strange, but I'd been dreading the moment when he would ask this.
Not because the prospect of what Near wanted frightened me; but because it simply could not be.
Regardless of how much I wanted to grant him this wish, one simple thing punched holes through the entire plan. One stupid, simple, ridiculous thing. And, frankly, skirting around the issue gets me nowhere, so I may as well just come out with it outright.
In all honesty, the only problem in mine and Near's relationship is that when the time comes, I simply cannot get it up.
I suppose something about me is just fucked. No one else has this problem in their relationships, do they? Except me. It's bloody bullshit. If I have to stand out from the crowd, I'd like it to be for something good. Not for being severely lacking in hard ons.
It's not bloody fair. I honestly love Near, and I want him to be happy. If sex is the key to our relationship, then so be it. If it's what Near needs than that's all that matters to me.
And I just...can't. I'm obviously screwed somewhere along the line.
And so it was with a heavy heart that I returned only a blank stare in answer to Near's question.
His face fell theatrically, twisting my heart painfully in my chest. I reached my hand up to cup Near's face in my palm, but he batted me away with a defeated look, betrayal scrawled across his face. I let the hand fall and waited in silence for him to say something.
He remained quiet, eyes averted.
After a suitably agonizing, awkward silence I attempted to speak, certain I was going to stumble over my words, and correct in this assumption.
"Near, I'm- I'm really sorry..." I paused, no idea how to continue. I felt my face screwing up as I struggled to speak. "You know that- that I want to as well...b-but..."
Suddenly he was on his feet, shivering as he stared down at me, abandoned on the bed, barely visible. All I could see was the trembling outline, and the pained tawny eyes.
"T-this has gone far enough," he said, voice barely holding a steady note, fracturing several times. "Mello...if you truly love me..."
I nodded furiously, remembering that he probably couldn't see me after several seconds and pausing, feeling stupid.
Near took a deep breath and continued. "If you truly love me, I want you to go and see someone about this. I want you to sort out this problem so we can just have the relationship I want us to have!"
There was a long pause, until quite suddenly I remembered how to exclaim violently.
"What...the fuck?! You...you want me to go to some random stranger so that they can tell me how to sort out my own penis, for Christ's sake?"
Near's eyes suddenly clouded unhappily, but still pierced me in the dim light.
"Do you love me so little as to not even try, Mello?" His voice was soft, melodical, calm; but I could hear the tense, more threatening note underneath, plain as day to me. To anyone with ears, I'd have thought.
I flailed internally, desperate to point out that this was pretty much the best way ever for a young man to kill his dignity, only just restraining myself. After all...it was Near, and my primary goal in life was for him to be happy.
I sighed in defeat with a minute nod of my head, and slumped with a loud huff back onto the pillows, my eyes closing. I couldn't tell, in that instant, who I was madder with; me or Near.
Near wanted the one thing I couldn't give him, and wanted to get a third party involved – which, in my opinion, was one shit idea. Totally uncalled for. If I can't sort out what my own body does, how the hell does he think anyone else'll be able to?
On the other hand, there's me, who can't get it on with the guy he loves because of a total lack of boner. Whoa, thinking about it...that classifies as one epic FAIL.
Well, whatever...I said I would, and so I guess I'll just have to see what happens. Although there's a certainty, in my head, that whatever ensues, I'm never going to want to show the world my face again.