Pain is a thought. You can channel it, and if you truly think hard enough, you can force yourself to believe you're not in pain. That broken ankle I had last year wasn't painful; my mind simply told me it was, and I let it happen. I believed it. But if I didn't, if I tried hard enough to believe it wasn't painful, I wouldn't feel a thing. All I would have to do was accept the pain, examine the pain, and understand the pain. I'd have to recognize it came from the mind. And I could actually channel it into not hurting. Not at all.
I think I read this in some article somewhere, a long time ago before I cared about pain. I understood it, of course, for when those times I tripped and hurt my knee or something. But I didn't think I was smart enough to think away the pain. I don't know if I am now.
I kept thinking about that the day Puck told me he loved me.
I can't understand why. It happened at glee club, of all times, and we were in the corner, tucked away in the shadows like the ugly, inside people we were. Rachel was drooling over Finn and Jesse at the same time, as if a small child choosing between her favorite types of ice cream. We watched. We never partook in their joy - I hadn't had any for a long while, and I think I sucked the joy away from Puck, bit by bit.
It was quiet in our corner. It always was.
There were times that Puck's hands found way to my stomach, in an almost absentminded way, as if he didn't realize he was doing it. It was almost instinctual now, as he'd told me; "It's like, my thing's in your stomach, and I feel like I have to touch it, you know?"
In our corner, Puck pressed a kiss to the side of my neck, as if enjoying me squirming underneath the caress. He smiled there and moved his lips to my ear.
I don't know if he meant to say it - the words came out as a rush, all in one breath - but suddenly: "I think I love you."
If you can convince yourself you're not in pain, can you convince yourself you're not in love, too? Love is a state of mind, right? I heard that, too. It's not in your heart. Your heart is simply an organ that pumps blood. Love is in your mind. You can think away love. If you really wanted to.
I said nothing, reminding myself that the last time I thought I was in love, it was materialistic and silly. Maybe if I told myself I couldn't love him, I'd believe it. I'd channel the love into something more productive. Like glee club.
I think he thought I didn't hear him. And it was much better that way.