Finally, after much anticipation (that's the correct word for it, right?), here is the next installment of my Pokebleach travesty.

Sorry that I fail when it comes to updating fanfiction in a timely manner. I actually only found the motivation to write this thanks to the How to Train Your Dragon book series. Toothless' attitude in those books encompasses my ideas of Grimmkit and his "fuck you, I don't want to" demeanor.

Quick note: Please keep in mind that I switched the Pewter City and Fuchsia City gyms for this universe. So, the Pewter City gym still gives the Boulder Badge, but the Pokemon type was fighting rather than rock type.

WARNING: THIS STORY IS STRICTLY CRACK. PLEASE CONSULT YOUR PHYSICIAN BEFORE READING THIS SHIT.

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As she walked down the dusty road of Route 3, Orihime couldn't hold back the large grin pulling at her lips. She had won! She had defeated the gym leader of Pewter City, and with her victory she had earned her first training badge. Glancing down at the piece of metal pinned to her shirt, she allowed her smile to grow even wider. She was one step closer to becoming a Bleachmon master.

Stopping in the middle of the path, Orihime reached up to play with the rock-shaped Boulder badge, watching as its surface reflected the midday sunlight. Such a small thing, and yet it had taken weeks of training and a tough battle to earn the right to wear it. Thinking back to the fight with the Pewter gym leader, Orihime was still in shock over her success.

Even more unbelievable was the second pokeball that now sat snugly in the side pocket of her bag. Orihime still couldn't wrap her head around the fact the Halibel had actually awarded her the woman's own personal Grimmkit. However, even if it didn't make much sense, it didn't change the reality that she now had two Bleachmon under her care.

Orihime pumped her fist purposefully, swearing to herself that she would keep both Grimmkit and Ulquiorra safe and happy throughout their journey. Not only was it what a proper Bleachmon master would do, she also felt that she owned it to them.

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Unfortunately for Orihime, traveling through the wilderness was not her forte. As the sun beat down on her head and shoulders, the young trainer trudged down the dirt road, her steps causing unsettled dust to rise into the air and stick to the material of her dress skirt. Sighing loudly and wishing for all the world that she were in an air conditioned hotel room, Orihime spotted something in the distance that would offer her a bit of relief from the noon-day sun.

Forcing her tired legs to move at a faster pace, the young woman closed in on a large oak tree situated near the side of the road. Upon reaching her salvation, Orihime dove under the tree and landed on her belly in the soft grass at its base. Dropping her bag to lie beside her, Orihime folded her arms to use as a make-shift pillow.

Several minutes went by in peaceful silence. Just as the trainer was beginning to fall into a light doze, she heard a rustling noise coming from her bag. Throwing the object a confused glance, Orihime noticed one of her occupied pokeballs moving within the pocket of her knapsack. Raising her eyebrow, she reached over to free the ball from its confines. Realizing which of her Bleachmon was demanding her attention, Orihime couldn't hold back her curiosity any longer.

With the press of a button and a flash of light, Orihime's new Grimmkit emerged from his spherical container. As the light from the pokeball dissipated, Orihime was left staring into the eyes of a very ruffled Bleachmon.

For all intents and purposes, the creature before her could have very well been an oversized house cat. However, unlike a normal feline, his fur was a gorgeous shade of blue which shined in the afternoon light. A large tuft of fur lined his spine and grew into a rather impressive mane of hair, the majority of which had almost managed to hide the oversized cat ears sitting atop his head. Orihime also noticed that, as with her Ulquiorra, the Grimmkit had a bone-like mask piece on one portion of his head. Though, instead of resembling a horned helmet like that of Ulquiorra, her new Grimmkit had what appeared to be part of a jaw bone resting just to the side of his face.

Orihime couldn't help but think that the mask fragment gave the small Bleachmon an altogether feral and unsettling look.

Flicking his ears irritably and puffing himself up to look intimidating, the young trainer's newest Bleachmon glanced quickly from her to their surroundings, his cerulean eyes sharp. Having seen nothing of interest, the Grimmkit returned his focus to his new "owner." Snarling, the feline Bleachmon dug his claws into the dirt and gave a low hiss, satisfied when the human girl leaned away from him, her expression unsure.

Tension began to build as a pregnant silence erupted between the two. Swallowing nervously, Orihime stared into the Bleachmon's eyes, their color seeming to draw her in. When the feline remained on the defensive, Orihime sighed inwardly, realizing that she should have expected this behavior. 'Of course he's not going to like me at first. We only just met, and I took him from what could have easily been the only owner he's ever known.' That thought made her frown lightly, her eyes becoming sad.

Figuring that she'd have to make the first move and see if she could gain her Grimmkit's trust, Orihime slowly reached for her bag, her eyes never leaving those of the Grimmkit. Snatching the strap of her satchel, Orihime dragged it close and began rummaging carefully through her item stock, careful not to make any sudden movements. Locating what she wanted, the trainer pulled the small item from her inventory and then placed the bag back to her side.

Fiddling with the tiny package in her hands, the young woman paused briefly before unwrapping what turned out to be a Bleachmon snack. Placing it gingerly at the Grimmkit's feet, she sat stoically, waiting for his reaction.

Snarling, Grimmkit flicked his tail irritably, glaring at the fool human girl before him. Unimpressed by her offer of food - he wasn't some stray cat to be pitied! – he jerked his head to the side and closed his eyes, rejection written loud and clear in his body language.

Orihime frowned, unsure how to handle this unexpected issue. She desperately wanted her Grimmkit to learn to trust her, but he didn't seem at all interested in being her Bleachmon. Disheartened, Orihime glanced toward the grass beneath her, thinking hard on possible ways to raise her compatibility with the fussy feline.

A sudden bright flash of light shocked the trainer from her thoughts, her body flinching in surprise. Eyes wide, she found the source of the light. Somehow, Ulquiorra's Pokeball had forced its way open, revealing the somber Bleachmon standing quietly beside Grimmkit. The feline jumped to attention and turned to face the newcomer, bearing his teeth in challenge. Ulquiorra made no move toward either his owner or the flee-ridden piece of trash she had picked up in Pewter City, instead preferring to stand perfectly still and assess the situation.

Green eyes moved from Orihime's tense posture, to the Bleachmon snack lying in the grass, and finally landed on the clearly pissed Grimmkit beside him. Putting on an air of complete and utter boredom, Ulquiorra blinked leisurely, staring straight into the mongrel's eyes. Watching nervously, Orihime wasn't sure what she could do to defuse the situation. Grimmkit looked like he was about to commit murder, while Ulquiorra – unknowingly or otherwise – spurred him on by acting nonchalant.

After a short moment filled with tension, Ulquiorra completely bypassed the snarling Grimmkit and unabashedly snatched the Bleachmon snack from the ground. Taking a large bite, he chewed unhurriedly, his focus never leaving the other Bleachmon.

Both Orihime and Grimmkit were floored. Mouth hanging open, Orihime was now sure that she was going to have a fight on her hands.

Not one to disappoint, Grimmkit's eyes grew impossibly wide at the other's audacity. With a mighty roar, he pounced on Ulquiorra, his furious snarls soon joined by the flying Bleachmon's own growls of anger and annoyance. The scuffling Bleachmon moved around the oak tree's base, their flailing limbs and claws leaving Orihime's backpack and supplies strewn across the ground in disarray.

While their miniature battle ensued, the Bleachmon's young trainer was desperately trying to pull them apart. Finally managing to grab hold of Grimmkit's tail, Orihime urgently tried to pry him away from Ulquiorra. The feline gave a loud shriek of pain and rage, but was quickly silenced by a harsh smack from one of Ulquiorra's wings.

Incensed at their petty actions, Orihime finally lost it.

"Alright, that's enough!" She cried, using all of her strength to pin Grimmkit to the ground. He squirmed and hissed angrily, but Orihime was having none of it. "I said enough! Don't make me sit on you, Grimmkit!"

Apparently, her new Bleachmon was familiar with that particular method of forced cooperation. Ears lowering grumpily, the feline stopped his struggling and glared daggers at Ulquiorra, huffing sulkily.

"Now then," Orihime said, keeping her voice calm, "It's time the both of you learned to be civil toward one another. Alright?" Glancing at Ulquiorra, Orihime leveled him with a glare. She knew she had made her point when the instigator turned his head and looked at nothing in particular, mouth turned down into a small frown.

"Alright." Orihime muttered, loosening her grip on Grimmkit little by little to gauge his reaction. When he remained in place, fuming but otherwise calm, the young woman sat back with a sigh of relief. Getting to her feet, Orihime dusted herself off and collected the two pokeballs that had been briefly lost in the earlier altercation.

Calling both Bleachmon back into their respective pokeballs, Orihime frowned momentarily. 'How on Earth am I going to get these two to cooperate?' She thought, perplexed. She already knew that offering food was a bad idea and would most likely lead to a fight, so what else was there to do?

Shaking her head, she placed the pokeballs back in the side pockets of her knapsack, making sure they were well away from one another. She'd figure it out later, she supposed - preferably while she was staying somewhere that actually had a bed and air-conditioning.

Fanning herself, the young trainer moved to collect her things. As she returned to the dirt road and continued her journey, Orihime wondered if she'd ever be able to have a quiet afternoon again.

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Spoiler Alert: That's not likely, Orihime. Lulz.

Notes:

Lulz, I totally sit on my cats if they're being douchewaffles when it comes to taking medicine.

I apologize if there aren't a lot of lulz to be found in this chapter. I tried to make up for it by supplying you with an overload of sugary-sweet crack.

Here's an extra special sneak peak at the next installment in the drama that is Pokebleach:

ORIHIME TRIES TO CATCH HER OWN ICHI. GRIMMKIT AND ULQUIORRA ARE UNAMUSED.