Author's Notes: None of these characters belong to me, nor does the movie this story is creating a parody of. Before you read this, it is good to know about the Harry Potter universe, but it is also great to know about the Breakfast Club universe as well. As you figure out who is who, you will realize that this story is not canon in any shape or form. So do not get upset when people act a bit out of character, or don't get together with the right characters. It is a parody after all.
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Scotland, Great Britain. Saturday, April 16th, History of Magic classroom.
A girl, wearing peculiar clothing is seen interesting the classroom, she is the first to arrive. She decides to take her place in the back of the classroom. Taking off her odd glasses she sets them on top of the magazine entitled "Quibbler" and waits patiently. Her long blond hair became entangled in her fingers as she carelessly hummed and swayed in her chair.
"Can't believe I have to be here.. I have far too many scrolls to write for Monday.."
As Luna looked up she stared at the young girl and smiled kindly at her. The girl looked at her as well and sighed lightly; she walked past the girl, and took her place in front of the class, putting her books in front of her.
"And what might your name be?" Luna called to the girl, across the giant classroom.
The girl turned in her chair, her bushy brown hair flowing with her motion. "Hermione Granger, and you are?"
With that Hermione turned right back around, her eyes slightly wide; she had heard a few tall tales about this girl.
The classroom door flew open as a white-haired and upset young man made his way into the room. Slight grunts where heard as he scanned the two girls in the room. He tried to intimidate Luna, but it seemed to have no effect. His eyes then turned to Hermione and he merely smirked. He plopped down behind her, placed his hands behind his head and glared at the back of her head until she turned around, irritated.
"What is it?"
"You're Hermione Granger, aren't ya?"
She didn't speak, her eyes just became narrowed.
"Heh, guess I'm right..can tell by that hair of yours." He shifted in his chair a bit and looked over her shoulder, "and that library you've got with you.."
Before she could make a remark another boy entered the room. This time it was a person who everyone had heard much of.
"Harry Potter.." Hermione's eyes had drifted away from the rotten boy and towards the well accomplished young man who sat down at the end of the table she was sitting at.
He smiled lightly at her. They had met a few times, since both were well known and established students in the Gryffindor house, but never really hung out besides at parties.
"Wasn't expecting to see you here Hermione.."
She tapped her tongue against the back of her teeth making a sharp sound as if to just brush off his remark.
Finally the fifth and last student had arrived, carrying an interesting plant that took the shape of a cactus on acid. Everyone's attention turned towards this boy, who stumbled into his place in the middle of the classroom. Their expressions were anything but friendly.
"Hello.." He said shyly. His eyes met with the snotty boy.
Draco merely smirked and suppressed a chuckle.
The mood suddenly changes as the teacher enters the room, slithering in as if he had just escaped from Azkaban.
"Well, well..glad you could all make it on time.." His eyes scanned the room, as if sealing everyone's mouth shut one at a time.
"Excuse me.." Hermione broke past this feeble attempt and rose her hand. "I think there's been a mistake..I have a pile of homework to get to, and this detention must have been a mix up with another student. So if you could.."
His eyes drifted towards her, then he continued to speak. "It is now, eight o'clock. You have eight hours to reflex on what you have done. To understand the errors that your limber souls have created."
His eyes then drift towards Harry then towards Draco. "You will not sleep, you will not talk or move from these seats.." The teacher makes his way over towards Draco and pushes his feet off of the table. "But.." He then turns and makes his way back towards the head of the class. "I've decided to do this detention a little differently; an essay will have to be written, no less than a scroll, describing to me, who you think you are."
"Are you kidding..?" Draco interrupts.
"And when I say scroll, that means no words repeated and no spells can be used to create this either..Is that understood ?"
Draco merely smirks and nods.
"I could answer that right now.." The boy with the strange cactus began to stand.
"Sit down …"
"Yes sir.." He sat down as quickly as he had gotten up.
"I will be right across the hall, helping out with a few security checks. I will know if any of you leave this room, so do not test me." With that the man quickly left the room and slammed the doors behind him.
Draco quickly sat up and let out a long and exaggerated sigh. "Snape is a really piece of work.."
"That's Professor Snape to you.."
"Shut it, Neville.."
It suddenly falls quiet as everyone starts to make themselves comfortable, but the silence is soon broken by the sound of an annoying tapping sound.
Draco, Hermione and Harry turn to see Luna rolling her nails against the table as she reads from her magazine. She looks up to see everyone staring at her, she smiles softly. They glare at her and she slowly stops the racket, a smile still on her face.
Draco's eyes turn towards Neville who seems to be cooing at his plant. Draco's face turns into disgust and confusion, Neville's eyes meet Draco, then widen in shock.
Their eye contact breaks and soon their attention turns toward Hermione. Draco stares at the scroll paper he was asked to bring to detention. He proceeds to crumble it up then tosses it at the back of Hermione's head.
Hermione's eyes dart towards the crumbled scroll that goes flying past her head. Her eyes then shift towards Harry who is trying to ignore the event.
"With some interesting stuff, For now they're bare and full of air.." Draco sings, off key and off beat.
"Honestly…" Hermione says abruptly, starting to get upset.
Draco stops singing, "Bloody hell..What if we've gotta go to the lavatory..?"
The entire room slowly becomes silent and tense.
"Well..If you gotta go!" He then stands and unzips his fly.
"You cannot be serious!" Hermione yells, now everyone's attention is on Draco.
"Come on Malfoy, you're not pissin' in here.." Harry says.
"Shut it! You're breaking my concentration!"
"You pull that thing out and I'm pulling the Cruciatus Curse on it.."
Draco starts to chuckle and sit back down. "You're pretty sexy when you get pissy.."
His attention then turns toward Neville, "hey.."
Neville sits up in his chair.
"How bout you use Colloportus on the door and we'll get the mudblood pregnant.."
Hermione turns and glares at him.
"Hey! Watch it Malfoy!" Harry yells.
"What? What'd I say?"
"Why don't you just shut it, Draco. No one here is interested in your stupid volleys." Hermione bitterly says.
"Right!" Harry added in.
Draco fell silent for a few moments, "What did you do to get in here anyway, Harry?! Forget to wash your jock after a quidditch match?!"
"Hey guys.. "Neville butts in nervously, "I think we should just write our papers.."
"Look, just because you live off of detentions doesn't mean you have the right to be a pain in the arse..knock it off!"
Draco proceeds to mock Harry by making weird faces.
"Just ignore him.." Hermione said, she had already turned around and gotten back to work on her homework.
It then falls silent, as the tension slowly leaves the room.
"So..tell me..you two dating?"
"Come on, Harry! You want to be pals, you gotta level with me. You slip that wand of yours in her corridor..?"
"Piss off Malfoy!" Hermione yelled.
"Enough you two!" Harry yelled back.
"What is going on in here?!" Everyone's faces turned pale as Snape was now in the doorway. His eyes darted around the room as everyone stared at him. "Keep. It. Down. And. Get. To. Work." This time Snape leaves the door open.
"You know Malfoy.." Harry was now staring at the desk in front of him, doodling on the piece of paper in front of him. "If you disappeared, I'm sure no one would even care. You may as well not even exist at this school."
Draco stares at the back of Harry's head, obviously upset but not willing to let those feelings pass on his face.
"Well..I'll just run out and join the Quidditch team!" Draco states. Harry chuckles as he looks at Hermione who's suppressing a giggle.
Draco's eyes then drift towards Hermione, "Maybe even S.P.E.W."
"I'm in the herbology club.." Neville abruptly says.
"So you're afraid that they won't take you in. So you instead ridicule them?" Hermione says, her attention still on her homework.
"Well..It wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being twats, now would it?"
"You don't know any of us." Hermione had now set down her quill.
"I don't know any Goblins, but I ain't gonna go and join their club, now am I?"
"I'm in the charms club.."
Draco's attention then finally switches towards Neville. "What're you goin on about?"
"Well..I was just sayin that I'm in the herbology club, and the charms club.."
Draco then turns back toward Hermione. "Hey, beaver, you in the herbology club?"
"It is one of my weaker subjects, so no.."
"So? That head of yours could use a bit more knowledge couldn't it?"
Harry finally cut in, "Look, you keep your chatting and Snape will be back in here in no time..I got another Qudditch match to practice for and I'm not missing it because of you all.."
"And wouldn't that be dreadful?!" Draco began to squeal and groan in agony. "Missing a whole..entire..practice..?"
"Well you wouldn't know anything about it, would ya, jerk-off! Haven't even won at anything your whole life"
"Oh! I know..I just feel so incredibly terrible and empty cuse of it. You guys are such an inspiration to me…flying around on your broomsticks and tossing things around. Makes me appreciate my life more..."
"Heh, like you have any goals in life..."
"That's where you're wrong, Potter."
Draco then started to grin, he got out of his chair and stood beside Harry "I want to be just. Like. You. I figure, all I need is the Imperius Curse and I'll be right alongside you guys.."
"Shut it.." Harry said.
Snape's footsteps could be heard right outside of the door, so Draco quickly sat down right in between Harry and Hermione. He promptly folds his hands on the table and waits.
The footsteps pass by the door and Draco jumps up from his seat.
"Why don't you just get to work?" Neville says, staring at his cactus.
Draco then turns and points at Neville, "Young man..have you finished your paper?" he tried hard to make his voice sound deep and stern.
Draco then makes his way towards the door and pulls out his wand.
"What are you going to do?" Hermione said, her attention now away from her books.
"Injure himself, I hope.." Harry mutters.
The students see Draco's mouth move and a spell flies from his wand and hits the door. They look amongst each other confused. Another spell leaves Draco's wand and soon the door slams shut. Draco quickly makes his way back to his seat.
"Very funny, Malfoy.." Harry says, clearly not impressed.
"Fix the door!" Hermione shouts.
"Am I skilled or what?"
"No, you're just thickheaded.." Harry says.
"Fix the door, Malfoy!"
The students cringe as they hear a sound of discomfort coming from the other end of the door. The doors fly open and Snape comes storming into the room. "Why is the door closed?"
"Why..is the door..closed..?" He spoke slower, as if that would help.
"How should we know? We're not s'pose to move.." Harry says, staring straight at Snape.
Snape's attention then turned towards Hermione. "Why..?"
"We were just sitting here, like we were supposed to.." She lied.
Snape's attention then turned towards Draco. "Who closed that door?"
"I think a panel fell loose.."
"It just closed, Professor.." Harry added.
Snape's attention then turned towards Luna. "Who?"
Luna's eyes grow wide and she slowly slides her Quibbler in front of her face.
"She..doesn't really talk.." Draco said.
"Give me whatever has come from the door, Malfoy.."
"I don't have it.."
"Shall I pull you from your seat and shake it out of you?"
"I don't have it..Panels fall out all the time, sir. The world's an imperfect place."
"Give it to me, Malfoy.."
"Excuse me, professor, but why would anyone steal a panel? It's rather large..It would take at least three people to carry it.." Hermione butted in.
"Watch your tone, .."
"You're not fooling anyone, Malfoy.." Snape turns to make his way out of the class.
Everyone's eyes widen and they look towards Malfoy, then towards Snape.
"Excuse me..?" Snape had now stopped dead in his tracks and was looking dead at Malfoy.
"You've just bought yourself another day's detention …"
"Oh Merlin's beard.." Draco said, rather sarcastically.
"I'm free the Saturday after...but beyond that. I'll have to check my calendar!"
"Excellent! Since you'll be meeting with me for the rest of the month! You want another one, Malfoy? Instead of going to Azkaban you'll have detentions instead! Finished yet?"
"This is benefiting Hogwarts, greatly!"
"That's another one! I've got you for the rest of your life! You want another one?"
"So be it. That's another one, Malfoy!"
"Would you stop?!" Hermione looks at Draco, clearly upset and worried. She proceeds to shake her head quickly insisting him to stop.
"Not. Even. Close."
"Do you think I give a flying fuck?"
Silence soon sinks in as they glare at one another.
"How many is that?"
"That's seven.." Neville butted in.
"Now it's eight, Neville be quiet." Snape snapped.
"Excuse me, but it's seven, sir.." Neville retaliated.
Snape merely glanced at Neville and he sunk back into his seat to fall silent once again.
"You know Malfoy. You ought to spend more time worrying about yourself and less worrying about what these people think of you." His attention then turned towards everyone. "The next I have to come through this door..severe punishment will commence.." He stormed out of the room as quickly as he had entered.
Everyone falls silent, but Draco slams his fists on the table and yells. "Fuck you!"
Harry's eyes look up at the clock hovering in the far corner. It is now a quarter to nine. His eyes turn to Draco who has his wand out, yet again, and is busy setting part of his shoe on fire.
Draco looks over toward Hermione who is vigorously writing. His attention then turns towards Neville who is poking and prodding at his plant.
Luna stares at her shirt and finds a loose strand; she tugs at it carelessly and continues to do so.
Draco blows the out the fire on his shoe and starts to tap his foot on the desk as he plays air guitar.
Neville's eyes drift towards Luna who is now drawing on her magazine. His attention then turns towards Harry who's holding a snitch made of scroll paper and cheering quietly. Before he knew it, everyone was asleep on their desks, he decided to join in and take a nap himself.
"Wake up!" Snape yells. "Who has to go to the lavatory?" He watches as everyone's hands fly up from their awkward sleeping positions.
As everyone gets settled again, their eyes float towards the clock. It's now ten twenty-two. They get distracted by the sound of ripping paper.
Draco is sitting at the teacher's desk ripping out pages from the stack of history books.
"What are you doing?!" Hermione gasps in pain, watching the pages fall to the ground.
"That's intelligent.." Harry says, rolling his eyes.
"You're right..it's wrong to destroy such great literature.." Even with this he continues to rip out pages. "So fun to read..Hogwarts, A History.."
"No.." Hermione whispers, tears almost forming in the corners of her eyes.
"Are you a virgin..?" Draco asks, his eyes set on Hermione. "I bet a million galleons that you are…"
"Why don't you just shut up?"
"Have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth? Every been felt up? Over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off? Hoping your parents don't walk in..?"
Hermione's cheeks start to turn red from embarrassment and rage.
"Leave her alone!" Harry shouts.
"You gonna make me?" Draco turns toward Harry.
"You and how many of your friends?"
"Just me, just you and me. Two shots, me hitting you, you hitting the floor."
The tension between them rises but no one does a thing.
"I don't wanna get into this with you, Potter.."
Harry then gets up, "Why not?" he starting to get annoyed.
"I'd kill you..then I'd get locked up in Azkaban..I don't care enough to be bothered with you.."
Everyone calms down and takes their seats, their eyes drift towards the clock which now reads eleven-thirty.
Snape then enters the room and stands at the back of the class. "Your lunch will be eaten in here today.."
"We can't even go to the hall?" Harry says, almost hurt.
"And let you mingle with the other students, I think not." He turned to the side as a few houseelves came pouring in and placing trays of food in front of them. Everyone looked amongst themselves at the same time.
"I for one think the great hall would be more suitable for this bountiful meal, sir!" Draco says.
"Well, thankfully I don't care what you find suitable, Malfoy.."
"Excuse me, sir, what about the pumpkin juice?" Harry retaliated.
"We're extremely thirsty sir.." Draco added, actually working alongside Harry for once today.
"I have a very low tolerance for dehydration.." Hermione lied.
"I've seen her dehydrated sir, it's rather disgusting.." Harry added
They watch as Draco suddenly gets up. "Relax! I'll get it!"
"Sit down, Malfoy."
Draco grins and sits back down.
"You think I'm that foolish..? You two.." He points at Harry then Luna. "Go down to the kitchen and get your precious pumpkin juice.."
Harry gets up, then looks towards Luna who was busy sleeping.
"Wake up, . This is not your resting chamber. Up!"
Luna bolted to her feet and scurried out the door, Harry followed close behind.
"So, what's your poison..?" Harry said, looking back at Luna as they walked down the empty halls.
She stays silent and merely stares at him.
"What do you like to drink?"
"Forget it.." He muttered.
"I tend to like firewhiskey.."
"Firewhiskey? When do you drink that?" Harry says, shocked.
Luna merely smiles.
"Is that why you're here today?"
"Why are you here?" She says her smile fading.
Harry comes to a halt and Luna follows this motion, her eyes never leaving his face.
"Well..I'm here today because..of..Quidditch and..because of Dumbledore..I've been treated differently..cuze of this and all.." gestured towards his scar, "and if I don't live up to what he's paved out for me..well..I'm not the chosen one..and..loads of other things.."
"That's interesting.." Luna said, her smile returning, "Now why don't you tell me why you're really here."
"Forget it." Harry mutters.
"You know what I wish I was doing?" Hermione says, now standing in the classroom and leaning against a bookshelf.
"Watch what you say, Neville's a cherry.."
"A cherry?" Neville replies.
"I wish I were on a plane to France.."
"I'm not a cherry.." Neville spoke up again.
"When have you ever gotten laid?" Draco replied
"I've laid, lotsa times!"
"She lives in Russia, met her at Diagon Alley. You wouldn't know here."
"Ever laid anyone from the school?"
Neville gestures towards Hermione, whose busy day dreaming.
"Oh, you and Hermione, did it?"
Hermione snaps out of it and stares at them, confused. "Did what?"
"Nothin!" Neville shouts, "Let's just drop it, alright?"
"Drop what? What are you two talking about?"
"Well, Neville claims that you and him have been doin' the dirty, that right?" Draco gives a cheeky grin.
"Little troll!" She yells in disgust.
"No! I'm not, Draco said I was a cherry and I said I wasn't, that's all!"
"Then why'd you motion to Hermione?"
"Neville..I don't appreciate you talking about me in such a way.."
"He's lyin' " Neville shouted.
"So you didn't motion towards her?"
"You know he's lyin', right?"
"Were you, or were you not motioning towards Hermione?"
"Yeah..but..it was only..I didn't want her to know I was a virgin, alright?"
Draco stares at him.
"Pardon me.." Neville says, a bit embaressed.
Hermione giggles, "Why didn't you want me to know?"
"Because it's personal business.."
"Doesn't sound like you're doin any business.."
"I think it's okay for a guy to be virgin.."
Draco shows a sign of surprise.
"You do?" Neville asks.
Hermione smiles and nods.