Disclaimer: Think of it as a primer on how to be the coolest godfather ever.
Sirius Sets Things Right
Harry had been depressed ever since the disastrous third task of the Triwizard Tournament and the fact that he was locked up with the Dursley family wasn't doing anything to improve his state of mind, quite the opposite in fact.
"Buck up kiddo."
"Who's there?" Harry demanded.
"Who do you think?" Sirius whipped off his invisibility cloak to reveal himself.
"What are you doing here?"
"Our esteemed Headmaster thought you could use some minders over the summer and he's assigned . . ."
"You?" Harry asked hopefully. Maybe this summer wouldn't be so bad after all.
"Nope, the Order. I'm supposed to be locked up in my house and Snape is supposed to be watching you," Sirius explained.
"Then . . ." or maybe it would be, damn it.
"Yup," Sirius agreed, "you'd really think that a Potions master would check his food more carefully."
"Won't Dumbledore get mad?"
"What he doesn't know, can't hurt him and more importantly- me," Sirius said with a dismissive wave of his hand, "It's not a serious wound unless it is a Sirius wounded. So how you doin?"
"Terrible," Harry confessed, "I'm stuck here all alone, none of my friends will return my letters, I haven't gotten a decent night's sleep since the third task, I . . ."
"Why don't we just say your life sucks," Sirius suggested. Looked like he'd been shirking his godfatherly duties.
"Yeah," Harry agreed.
Sirius fished something out of his pocket and handed it to Harry. "Here."
"What's this?" Harry examined the odd cylindrical object.
"It's an emergency Portkey," Sirius explained, "if things get you too down or if you're in any danger then use it."
"And it'll take me to you?" Harry asked quickly. Wow, he thought to himself, that would be just swell.
"Nope, place I'm in sucks, it has a Snape infestation half the time. It'll take you someplace that doesn't, I'll join you there later as soon as I can."
"Godfather's duty," Sirius replied, "now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back before Snape's bowels stop emptying and people start asking uncomfortable questions like 'where's Sirius,' and 'has anyone seen my wallet.'"
"You'll come back, right?"
"As soon as I can," Sirius promised. "But here's a little something to keep you occupied until I get back." Sirius dropped a rapidly growing trunk onto the floor that he'd pulled out of his pocket. "Took me a while to get this together."
"What is it?" Harry asked.
"Mostly pornography," Sirius replied, "along with a how to manual. Your parents aren't here to give you the 'talk' so I figured that I'd have to do it. Then I figured, wait, that would waste valuable time you could be doing something else and I got together this so you can study on your own. Feel free to ask if you have any questions."
"Okay," Harry agreed, cheered by his slightly deranged godfather's antics and more than a little curious about the contents of the trunk. 'Hermione did say I should spend more time reading.'
"Or if you need anything else," Sirius added, "be happy to pick some up for you if you're running out of whiskey for example."
"I don't have any whiskey," Harry said automatically, having already finished the fifth he'd stolen from Petunia's stash the day before.
"Good heavens," Sirius gasped, "why didn't you say so?" He reached into his pocket and pulled out a silver flask. "Take my emergency supply."
"Property of Master Auror Moody," Harry read the inscription.
"You'd think a Master Auror would be more careful with their things," Sirius agreed, "be seeing you, Harry."
"Bye, Sirius." Harry had a smile on his face, even if Sirius wasn't able to do anything, just spending a bit of time with his Godfather had cheered him up immensely and while he wasn't all that wild about the whiskey, preferring the high dollar stuff his aunt bought, he was a teenage boy who now had his very own trunk of magical pornography.
Sirius got back to his ancestral home and absently cast a couple of silencing charms to keep the background noise down. He frowned as he considered what he'd discovered at the Dursley residence. Sirius couldn't believe that Dumbledore was a big enough bastard to put Harry with those people . . . on second thought, he could very well believe that the son of a bitch who got Snape off with a warning and didn't even bother with a trial for Mrs. Black's little boy would do that sort of thing.
'First things first,' Sirius thought to himself, he had to find a way to cheer Harry up. 'What would cheer Harry up? Best to work with what I know.' "Now what would cheer me up?" Sirius muttered. "Of course, it's so obvious."
Sirius slipped out of his room and ghosted down the hall.
"You seen my flask, Black?" Moody's growl froze the former Marauder.
"Yep," Sirius agreed, "Pretty sure I saw Snape with it."
"And you didn't think to tell me that a potions master was tinkering with my things?" Moody's glare deepened.
"Course not," Sirius said, "Albus trusts him after all and it's not like Snape would try to poison you or anything, I'm sure that he's completely genuine about his desire to do good, why just look at how he treats his students."
"Hmmm, interesting points you bring up, Black." Moody rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
Sirius smiled innocently in reply. "Well, I won't keep you any longer. Thanks for taking the time to speak with me about your concerns about Snape, I'll be sure to give the matter some thought."
"You do that," Moody said automatically. So lost in his thoughts, the former Auror never noticed as Sirius slipped away.
It didn't take Sirius long to realize that he had a problem in that he had no idea where to find a large enough group of veela to make a decent Harem.
There was Bulgaria of course, but he had no desire to visit a country that ate salads with every meal. Once a day was bad enough, but three times? Sirius vowed that he'd die before he let such deviant habits corrupt his godson and thus, ruled Bulgaria out as a source for veela.
Well, unless he couldn't round up enough veela from other sources of course, but that went without saying. Salad eating veela were better then no veela at all.
"Wait," Sirius muttered to himself, "didn't Harry compete against a part veela in that stupid tournament?" Which his godson had won of course, natural superiority was just one of the many benefits conferred on Harry after Sirius Black was asked to be his godfather. "Guess a frog is better then a rabbit," Sirius mused, "sexier accent too."
A couple illegal portkeys and a few bribes brought Sirius to the best veela habitat in all of southern France.
"Here veela veela veela," Sirius called out, "VEEEEEEEELAAAAAAAA."
"What are you doing?" Asked a confused voice from behind.
"Trying to find a bunch of veela," Sirius replied.
"Why?" The voice asked in disgust. "Do you wish to have a harem of veela?"
"Sure do," Sirius agreed, "but that's not why I'm doing this." Note to self; get own veela harem after arranging Harry's.
"Then why?" The voice persisted.
"My godson is feeling a bit down in the dumps," Sirius sighed, "ever since he got entered into a tournament against his will and saw a friend die . . . the whole resurrected Dark Lord might have also had something to do with it. So I said to myself, Sirius ol'boy, what would cheer you up?"
"A harem of veela," the voice said in understanding, "but what if they don't want to be in your godson's harem?"
"Not trying to force anyone into anything," Sirius said defensively, "but I'll bet ya five Galleons that they all bond him or whatever before the week is done."
"There is no such thing as veela bonding," the voice said dryly.
"How do you . . ." Sirius turned and found that he'd been conversing with a stunning veela. "Oh . . . so about that Harem . . ."
"Introduce me to him," she said, "and I'll think about it."
"Sweet," Sirius cheered, "one down." And thus did Sirius secure his place as the coolest guardian in history.
Harry gazed in awe at the centerfold of the first model. They, er, she was perfect, well defined, proof that Newton's silly ideas about gravity were so much hogwash, and more then a bit familiar . . . hmmm? With a bit of effort, Harry dragged his eyes up the page to the model's face.
"Wonder if it's too late to start taking arithmancy?" Harry murmured in shock.
Sirius giggled to himself as he considered the future that he'd just secured for his insanely lucky godson. He was so distracted by this thought, that he nearly ran into an odd blond girl walking the opposite direction up the path.
"Hello," the odd girl said cheerfully.
"Did anyone ever tell you that you look just like Sirius Black?" Luna asked with a dreamy expression on her face.
"I am Sirius Black."
"No you're not," Luna disagreed.
"Of course not," Luna said firmly, "everybody knows that Sirius Black is in Azkaban and that the whole 'escape' was a hoax perpetrated by the Daily Prophet to sell more news papers."
"Look," Sirius sighed, "I don't know who told you that but it's not true."
"Father told me that," Luna replied, "and you can speak with him about it if you like."
"Fine," Sirius agreed. While it was nice to have a conversation with someone that 'presumably' didn't know about his innocence that didn't feature; threats, pleas for mercy, or screaming. Sirius was more then a bit offended by the fact that this bit of a girl's stubborn insistence that he wasn't Sirius deprived him of the opportunity to make several serious Sirius jokes, this was something that could not be permitted to stand.
"Father," Luna called out, "Faaaaaaather."
"What is it, my little Psilocybin?"
"This man insists that he's Sirius Black," Luna huffed, "and he said that Sirius Black really did escape from Azkaban and that it wasn't just a ploy for the rag to sell more newspapers."
"I'm afraid that my wonderful daughter is correct," her father said with a frown, "you can not possibly be Sirius Black. Why, if you were then I'd be compelled to use my superior dueling skills to apprehend you or risk losing my pension."
"Father was the combat instructor at the Auror Academy before he medically retired," Luna said helpfully.
"Medical retirement seems to be a lot like being fired for repeatedly slamming an accused Death Eater's testicles in a desk drawer to prevent the spread of faulty genes."
"Well, Mr. Malfoy does pay you to not work in law enforcement anymore," Luna said helpfully. "and his voice isn't that much higher than it was originally."
"Not to mention the wonderful card that Mrs. Malfoy sends every Christmas," he added.
"Come to think of it, I might not be Sirius Black after all," he agreed quickly. "But if I'm not Sirius Black, then who am I?"
"Stubby Boardman of course," Luna said with a grin, "father has all your paperwork and everything."
"Right here," the man agreed, "and the first thing we're going to have to do is give you a shave and a hair cut. Can't have you running around in that Sirius Black disguise."
"Of course not," Sirius agreed.
"I've always wanted to learn how to use a straight razor before," Luna said in delight, "can I do that part?"
"I don't see why not," her father replied, "the worst thing that could happen is you accidentally slash his throat, causing him to bleed out and die in horrific pain."
"On the plus side, I've also wanted to learn to dispose of an inconvenient body," Luna mused.
"Something every young girl should know how to do."
"Er . . ." Sirius didn't like the way this conversation was going.
"Would you also like to do the haircut, darling?" He absently petrified and incarcerated their 'guest' who had heard enough of the conversation to know that it was time to leave, promise of a new identity or no.
"I wouldn't want to mess that up," Luna said quickly, "then people would make fun of poor Stubby."
"I'll keep a close eye on things," her father promised.
"Hooray!" Luna cheered. The two Lovegoods turned to their bound captive "Now why don't you tell us what you were doing out here?" Luna suggested. "Were you searching for evidence of Crown faced Hornswoggles like we were?"
Dumbledore wandered around the Secret Lair of the Order of the Phoenix, granted the faction that wanted it to be called the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix had carried the day but Dumbledore still maintained that Secret Lair of the Order of the Phoenix was so much cooler and thus resolved to always refer to it in that manner in his thoughts. As I was saying, Dumbledore was wandering around with a look of confusion on his face.
"Now where the devil is that blasted key?" He muttered to himself. The others would never let him hear the end of it if they found out that he'd lost the key to the Secret Order Gringotts Accounts.
Luna was putting the finishing touches on Sirius' new look while he summarized the rest of his plans for that afternoon.
"And that's why I'm looking for a good location to buy or build a nice vacation home," Sirius said, "now all I gotta do is find a place with good amounts of surf, sun, and more sun."
"I have a strong feeling that the Ischia will have exactly what you're looking for," Luna said absently as she examined her work.
"Thanks," Sirius said, "I'll keep that in mind.
"You do that." Luna ran the comb through Sirius' hair one last time to complete the makeover. "There," Luna said with an air of deep satisfaction, "now you're looking like yourself again."
"Nothing like Sirius Black at all," her father agreed, "doesn't it feel good to get rid of that horrid disguise?"
"Yes it does," Sirius agreed.
"Now to give you your paperwork," Larry said with a smile, "you wouldn't believe how hard it was to find it."
"So we didn't bother," Luna interjected.
"Much easier to make it ourselves and then break into the Ministry to make sure that the proper records were filed to back it up," her father agreed, "as I was saying." He pulled a large envelope out of his pocket. "Time to give you your paperwork back."
"Great," Sirius cheered, "I can't tell you . . ."
"But first," Luna interrupted, "I think it's time for you to agree to one small favor."
"A tiny one, really," her father added.
"What favor?" Sirius sighed, he knew it was too good to be true.
"Well . . ." Luna had a faint blush on her cheeks. "The thing is . . . well . . ."
"Yeah?" Sirius prompted.
"I've always had a thing for wizards with dark messy hair," Luna blurted, "and green eyes."
"I'd love to help you," Sirius said in his most sympathetic voice, "but I've got my heart set on arranging a veela harem for my godson."
"I've always had a thing for veela too," Luna added with a deeper blush.
"Ah . . . well . . . I suppose that changes things now, doesn't it?" A grin bloomed on Sirius' face. "And they do say that variety is the spice of life . . . agreed, welcome to Harry's harem."
"Thank you, Stubby," Luna said brightly, "I think I'll name my fifth child after you."
"Er . . . thanks." With that, Sirius snatched his new identity away from Luna's father and was on his way.
After their visitor was well and truly gone, Luna's father turned to his daughter with an odd look on his face. "Crown faced Hornswoggles?" He asked with raised his eyebrow. "You really expected him to believe that we were looking for something like that?"
"I couldn't think of anything better," Luna explained, "I was rather shocked to see him after all."
"Oh well," he sighed, "supposed I'd better get started on that article."
Sirius didn't make it back to his family abode for several hours and when he did, he immediately set about the task of divesting himself of incriminating evidence.
"Hey, Elphias," Sirius called out.
"What is it?" Elphias asked.
"Could you give Snape back his key for me?" Sirius asked hopefully. "I saw him drop it earlier and since the two of us aren't on the best terms . . ."
"Of course," the old man agreed.
"Great." Sirius pulled the key out of his pocket and handed it over. "Thanks."
"My word," Elphias gasped, "this is the key to the Order accounts . . . you say Snape had this?"
"Can't be the Order key since Dumbledore has it," Sirius said reasonably, "and even if it was, I'm sure that there's a reasonable explanation for why Snape had it. Dumbledore trusts him after all, and Dumbledore never wrong . . . well, except for that whole sending me to Azkaban without a trial thing . . . or all those Defense Professors that tried to kill Harry . . . or . . . well, okay, Dumbledore's been wrong on a number of occasions but I'm sure he's right about Snape."
"Indeed," the old man muttered absently, "it's not like that incident back when we were at Hogwarts together when . . ."
Seeing that the old man's attention was elsewhere, Sirius took the opportunity to go off in search of better and more interesting things.
"Speaking of which," Sirius muttered, "how long has it been since I've gone on a ride?"
Perhaps he'd returned that key a bit early? Course, he wasn't sure what kind of bike he'd be able to get with what little remained in the Order's accounts after he'd purchased that bit of Italian real estate.
Oh well, no use crying over spilt milk, or spent Galleons as the case may be. He was just going to have to knuckle down, gird his loins, and hope that there was enough cash in Snape and Dumbledore's wallets to purchase his new bike.
As it turned out, there was. Lucky thing that both men were in the habit of carrying around large sums of currency on their persons, Sirius thought to himself as he rode his new bike off the lot. All he had to do now was slap a few dozen charms on it, enchant a couple doodads and then let this baby show him what she could do.
Mundungus managed to wake up a couple minutes before the end of his shift. Standing up, he yawned loudly and set about the task of scratching his various body parts.
"The Phoenix is bold and beautiful," a female voice whispered from the bushes.
"What?" Dung asked dumbly.
"You're supposed to give the countersign," the female voice prompted.
"Maybe something about the snake getting punished?" She suggested. "Anything?"
"Zat you, Tonks?"
"Damn it." Tonks whipped off the hood of her invisibility cloak. "Would it kill you to show some professionalism?"
"It might," the drunk replied. "All quiet here, boy hasn't been doin nothing but studying."
"Glad he's staying busy," Tonks sighed, "see you at the next meeting, Dung."
"And tell my relief to be on time," Tonks called out suddenly, "I gotta go to work in a couple hours."
Sirius tore down the highway on the back of his new and above all heavily customized bike. Wind in his hair, bugs in his teeth, and his head just inches from the pavement as he took a particularly sharp turn. Now then, he thought to himself. Sirius found that he got his best ideas when he was going five times the posted speed limits. What else would cheer me up? He absently split the lane and narrowly avoided a pair of old ladies that had stopped to converse through their open windows.
"Of course," Sirius shouted, "why didn't I think of it before?"
Cornelius proudly stepped into the public restroom to do his business, intent on showing the common people that he was one of them and that having a private bathroom with a solid gold toilet had not changed him in the least.
The Minister stepped up to the plate, metaphorically speaking, unzipped his pants, literally speaking, and prepared to unleash the beast, again metaphorically speaking.
"Afternoon, Minister," Sirius said casually as he stepped up to the adjoining urinal.
"After . . . my word," Fudge choked, "Sirius Black."
"Where?" Sirius asked, he swiveled his head around, "I don't see him, Minister."
"You . . . you're Sirius Black," Fudge sputtered.
"Not according to my identification papers," Sirius said cheerfully. He showed the Minister his brand new paperwork.
"I see." Fudge let out a breath. "I apologize, Stubby. It's just, you look so much alike."
"We had the same father," Sirius said with an embarrassed smile, "the Black family did their best to forget I exist."
"I see." Fudge licked his lips. "How did that effect your inheritance?" Visions of campaign contributions danced through his head.
"Adversely," Sirius replied, "unfortunately."
"Yes," Fudge agreed sourly.
"Shame the Ministry can't just make a law making me sole heir of the Black family," Sirius sighed, "and granting me the name . . . along with everything owned by Sirius Black."
"It'd also allow me to take custody of Harry Potter and thus ruin Dumbledore's plan to use the poor confused boy to depose you and take the Ministry for himself," Sirius mused, "my word would that benefit you."
"It would, wouldn't it?" Fudge perked up. "Stubby, say . . . say it was possible to strip Sirius Black of everything and grant it to you . . . along with the Black family fortunes."
"My word," Sirius exclaimed, "that's a fine idea. I guess that's why you're the Minister," he said in admiration, "genius, sheer genius."
"Yes," Fudge agreed, "it was a wonderful idea. Come with me, Stubby. We'll get all this out of the way."
Fudge led the smiling escapee back to his office so that they could sign the necessary paperwork.
"There you go, Stubby," Fudge said with a grin, "all done."
"Wonderful," Sirius exclaimed, "only issue I can see now is dealing with Sirius Black attempting to murder me for taking everything of his."
"Yes," Fudge coughed, "I suppose that is an issue."
"And even that wouldn't be an issue if not for one thing," Sirius sighed.
"Well, I'm fairly confident that I could defeat Sirius Black in a duel if not for one thing . . ."
"What's that?" Fudge prompted. Just think of how popular he'd be after his man defeated the dangerous and daring Death Eater known as Sirius Black.
"I might be forced to use . . . er . . . spells that one doesn't use in polite company, if you know what I mean."
"I see." He didn't.
"Now if you'd issue a blanket pardon covering all past and future actions . . ." Sirius trailed off, hoping that he'd made things easy enough for even an idiot like Fudge to follow along.
"A pardon?" Fudge blurted. "Wait, why past actions?"
"I've fought Death Eater scum in the past," Sirius said with a frown, "rugged men like us . . . well . . . let's say we do what we have to, don't we Minister?"
"That we do," Fudge agreed, "and the least I can do is write you out this pardon."
"And the least I can do is take the name of Sirius Black, take custody of Harry Potter, fight Death Eaters, and accept that pardon you had the forethought to think of giving me." Sirius grinned. "My word, it just hit me how brilliant you are making a plan like that. Guess that's why you're the Minister and I'm just a regular guy."
"We can't all be Ministers," Fudge said graciously, "some of us have to be the common people that hold up society."
"Well you can count on me," Sirius said, "you might want to put 'also known as Sirius Black' on that pardon next to my name," Sirius advised, "to avoid confusion."
"Of course," Fudge agreed. He signed the document with a flourish. "And here you are."
"I'll have that campaign contribution to you as soon as I've finished deprogramming Harry Potter and hunting down Sirius Black," Sirius promised, "though it may take a while. Black's a cunning one he is."
"Take your time," Fudge advised, "we want this done right."
"Better right then quick," Sirius agreed, "well. I won't take any more of your valuable time," Sirius said as he rose, "I can only imagine what important business I'm keeping you from."
Sirius strode out of the Minister's office and out the door towards his next appointment.
Dumbledore wasn't sure how to take the information that Harry had locked himself in his room and buried himself in his studies.
"Perhaps . . ." he trailed off. "Maybe . . . ." he was quite befuddled by the young wizard's actions, nothing in the past had suggested that the boy was the studious type.
Sirius slapped a very surprised Madame Bones on the ass as he strolled into the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.
"Hey there, Nymphy," Sirius said as he flopped into the chair and put his feet up onto his cousin's desk, "how they hanging?"
"Sirius?" Tonks gasped. "Wha . . . you can't . . . I . . ."
"I think what she's trying to say," Madame Bones said in a dangerously calm voice, "is that you're under arrest."
"On what charge?" Sirius replied with a grin. "Cause I got a shiny new pardon here saying that I'm a free man."
"Assault on the Director of Magical Law Enforcement," Amelia retorted.
"That wasn't me," Sirius said quickly, "it was a . . . ah . . . a one handed man."
"You expect me to believe that a one handed man slapped me on the ass?" Amelia asked in disbelief, she'd heard stupid excuses before but this one took the cake.
"Bit more likely then a no handed man doing it," Sirius agreed, "why don't you go find him and leave us honest law abiding types alone?"
"If you expect me or any of my Aurors to . . ." Amelia cut off when her aids ran off to put out an APB on the one handed man who'd assaulted their boss. "Damn it." She really hated it when the exhibited their incompetence so blatantly.
"I blame inbreeding," Sirius said sympathetically, "what's say we discuss it over breakfast tomorrow?"
"Just gimme a look at that damned pardon," Amelia said sourly.
"Here you go," Sirius agreed, "and you can keep that one if you like. It's your copy, I volunteered to deliver that one myself."
"This all seems to be in order," Amelia said grudgingly, "Auror Tonks, escort your relative out of the department."
"Yes, Boss," Tonks said quickly. She grabbed her cousin by the arm, dragged him to the door, and shoved him out into the hall.
"Nice work, Auror Tonks."
"Thank you, Boss."
Sirius made a show of dusting himself off before setting off to his next destination. He got ten steps towards it before a sudden thought caused him to slap his forehead. "Come to think of it, I never did get around to adding Nymphy to the harem . . . well, guess that's what happens when you get wrapped up doing something else." Making a mental note to learn how to multitask, Sirius again set off down the hallway towards his next destination.
A wide smile adorned Vernon's face as he stepped up to the podium to give his speech in honor of the retiring Partner. It had taken years of hard work and dedication until finally one of the fossils retired, opening the way for a bit of new blood.
"What can I say about . . ." Vernon froze as he felt a warm lump form in his pants that hadn't been there just a short time before. Soon after, everyone's nose informed them of Vernon's little accident. "It wasn't me," Vernon shouted, "someone put shit in my pants. It was one of the freaks," Vernon screamed as security grabbed his arms, "you have to believe me, the freaks did it."
"Gonna have to buy that Pensieve," Sirius noted to himself as he watched the drama, "be a shame not to share this with Harry."
Needless to say, Vernon didn't make partner that year.
"How they hang'in, Remmy?" Sirius asked loudly as he plopped into the barstool next to his friend. "And what's the big idea going out drinking without me?"
"Sirius?" Remus gasped. "You . . . you can't be here."
"Why not?" Sirius demanded. "Gimme a Pint a'Hobgoblin," he called out to the barmaid.
"Sure thing," the barmaid agreed.
"This is a bloody Auror bar you fool," Remus hissed.
Sirius looked around at all the red robed figures. "You guys find that one handed man yet?"
"Not yet, Stubby," one of the Aurors replied, "but we'll get him sooner or later."
"I've heard that he's hiding out at Lucius Malfoy's place," Sirius advised, "and call me Sirius, we are friends after all."
"Right you are," the Auror agreed.
"Here's your pint, Stubby," the barmaid said with a grin. "Good to see you here again."
"Couldn't stay away from my favorite bar," Sirius replied.
The barmaid blushed deeply. "Call when you need another pint."
"I'll call you anytime, beautiful," Sirius said smoothly.
"Oh, Stubby." The giggling woman swatted him playfully on the arm. "You incorrigible flirt."
"I'll have you know that I'm completely corrigible," Sirius called after the retreating woman.
"I . . . but . . . how . . ." Remus gibbered in shock, easily falling back into the role of the straight man.
"That's not important right now," Sirius said quickly, "the important thing is that you're brainy."
"And?" Remus prompted. He pushed aside his confusion over the Auror's behavior.
"And I need a Pensieve," Sirius explained.
"Still not seeing where you're going with this," Remus commented.
"I've also heard that Snape and Dumbledore have Pensieves," Sirius said with a grin. "Oddly enough, I'd also like to do the them a bad turn."
"No way in hell am I going to . . ."
"It's for Harry," Sirius interrupted.
"Oh, in that case." He slammed back his shot. "Let's go."
"Right you are, old man," Sirius said. He chugged his newly arrived beer and slammed the glass on the bar. "Let's go."
After bypassing the security of the supposed safest place on earth. Safe apparently being a word so versatile that it could mean the opposite of its own meaning. The two troublemakers swiftly swiped Severus' pensieve and moved on to Dumbledore's.
"What are you doing you twit?" The portrait of Phineas Nigellus demanded.
"Robbing Dumbledore," Sirius replied calmly. "Get the other side, Remmy."
"And how exactly did you plan to get away with this?" He asked. "Or were you too stupid to think that far ahead?"
"You're a Black and I'm head of the family," Sirius said smugly. "I order you to keep quiet about this."
"You order me?" The former Headmaster looked amused. "What makes you think you have the power to enforce that order?"
"I'm head of the family," Sirius repeated. "So by the ancient laws of House Black, I . . ."
"You don't really expect me to fall for that load of dung do you?" The portrait demanded. "I should have known it would come to this," he sighed. "Guess they were right, inbreeding really does eventually lead to chronic stupidity."
"Hey, I'll . . ."
"Even if I did respect this mythical Black tradition, there's one thing you neglected to take into account," the painting sneered.
"What's that?" Sirius challenged.
"The rest of us," one of the other paintings replied.
"Chirp," Fawks agreed.
"Damn it, Remmy," Sirius hissed. "Look at the mess you've gotten us into."
"How is this my fault?" Remus demanded.
"It's your responsibility to point out these things before we're engaged in the act of committing a crime," Sirius replied.
"I don't see how . . ."
"All I wanted to do was to steal a couple pensieves cause I thought my godson might want to store the memories of frolicking with his mostly veela harem, but nooooo. You had to ruin it all with your thoughtlessness didn't you?" Sirius glared at his friend.
"Where is this harem located?" Phineas Nigellus asked delicately.
"Huh?" Sirius looked up at the painting in confusion.
"Is it a cold place where they'll wear lots of clothes, or a hot place where they won't?" One of the paintings (that of Headmaster Fondlemore the Lecherous) asked eagerly.
"The second one," Sirius replied.
"Then my dear boy, I believe that we can come to an accord. One that will be the solution to all your problems," Phineas said with a smile.
"What is it?" Sirius demanded.
"You steal us and we get hung in prominent locations," Phineas explained. "Such as around the pool where we'll get to observe the lovelies when they swim."
"What about us?" One of the Headmistresses demanded.
"Any boy that can attract a mostly veela harem, will be quite sufficient for you," Phineas replied.
"Chirp?" Fawkes demanded.
"Cold Scottish castle with a lemon drop fetishist or a warm villa with several girls that would like nothing better then to hand feed you your favorite foods," Sirius whispered to the phoenix.
"Chirp," Fawks agreed. It had been so long since he'd had a good vacation.
"Great," Sirius cheered.
"How are we gonna get all the paintings moved?" Remus asked innocently. "We're already risking hernias with the pensieves."
"Good point," Sirius sighed. "Shame we can't just use a house elf or something, like that insane one that likes to stalk Harry."
"You is calling Dobby?"
"I love it when a plan comes together," Sirius announced.
Five minutes later, Sirius and his partner in crime had completed their escape.
"So what exactly were you doing in an Auror bar?" Sirius asked as they carried Harry's new pensieves into Sirius' new safe house.
"I was meeting your cousin for . . . shit."
"Bad show standing a girl up like that," Sirius said with a frown.
"Yeah," Remus agreed.
"Buck up," Sirius advised, "guess it wasn't meant to be."
"It's not like that," Remus said quickly. "We were supposed to be doing something for Dumbledore."
"Just tell her a more important mission came up that you can't talk about," Sirius advised. "Or better yet, let me take care of it."
"Would you?" Remus asked hopefully. If there was one thing Sirius was good at, it was spinning a yarn.
"For you, anything." Sirius paused as he got a sudden thought. "Hey, Remmy."
"We had that mad elf carry all the paintings out, right?"
"Yeah," Remus agreed.
"So why are we carrying these heavy stone Pensieves ourselves?" Sirius said slowly. "Why didn't we just get the elf to pinch these things too?"
"Uh." Remus had the good grace to look embarrassed.
"Damn it, Remmy, you need to get on the ball."
"You're not serious, are you?" Remus demanded.
"I'll have you know that . . ." Sirius trailed off as a thought occurred to him. "Great Caesar's Ghost, I can't believe I've forgotten."
"What is it?" Remus asked in concern.
"No time to explain," Sirius said quickly. "You get all this to Harry's new villa and run this long list of tedious errands I drew up, I'm gonna go do something else."
"Right," Remus agreed, taking the list. "What are you going to do?"
"I told you, no time to explain."
"It's just, I don't mean to accuse you of anything, but it seems to me that you've had plenty of time to explain and that this all might be part of a plan to foist this list of tedious errands off onto me."
"Moony, I'm shocked and disgusted that you would think of such a thing." Sirius shook his head sadly. "Shame on you." And disappeared with a pop.
"I note that he did not address my allegations," Remus noted to himself. "Bastard." It was good to have his old friend back to his old self again.
Harry was sitting on his bed with his porn in one hand and something else in another and just as he was finishing up, there was a knock on the window.
"Just a minute," he called out. Harry took a moment to clean up before drawing back the curtains and opening the window with a relaxed grin on his face.
"Hey buddy," Sirius said with a smile. "Doing better?"
"Yeah," Harry agreed lazily. "Loads."
"Figured you were probably out of whiskey again so I grabbed you a couple cases and loaded them into this shiny new flask." Sirius pulled the item out of his pocket and handed it to Harry. "Just think about what you're in the mood for before you open it up and that's what you'll get."
"Thanks, Sirius," Harry said gratefully.
"Wasn't sure what you preferred so I brought you a bottle from every distillery I knew of in Scotland and a few more from Ireland," Sirius said grandly.
"Want your emergency flask back?"
"Might be a good idea to return it to Moody via Snape's pocket," Sirius mused. He nodded his head. "Thanks, Harry."
"No problem, Sirius."
"Fore I forget, here's a new portkey. It takes you to a place that doesn't suck that I've been setting up."
"And everything is going alright for you, right?" Sirius persisted.
"Not getting tired of the Pornography or anything, are you?"
"Cause it's no trouble to go pick up more."
"I know, Sirius."
"And you know that you can tell me if there's anything you need and I'll get it for you, right?" Sirius asked anxiously. "No matter how depraved."
"I know, Sirius. I'll tell you if there's anything I need."
"Good," Sirius said firmly. "Just let me deal with a couple more things and your new home will be all ready."
"Okay," Harry agreed.
"And forget all that and get the hell out of here if things get to bad or you even think there's the slightest bit of danger."
"I will," Harry agreed.
"Well . . . I better get out of here before Snape stops vomiting," Sirius said reluctantly.
"He still not checking his food?" Harry asked.
"You'd think he'd have learned by now," Sirius laughed. "Later, Harry."
Sirius turned half way away before freezing suddenly. "You wouldn't happen to know where Hermione lives, would you?"
"Got her address right here," Harry said with a puzzled look on his face. "Why?"
"Need to talk with her about something," Sirius said innocently. "Could you copy it down for me?"
"Sure," Harry agreed. He handed Sirius a slip of paper. "Take care of yourself, Padfoot."
"Take care of yourself, Harry."
Harry watched as his Godfather disappeared down the drive. 'Soon,' he thought to himself. 'Soon I'll be out of this hell and living it up with Sirius.'
Amelia frowned in confusion when she noticed that an application for membership into Harry Potter's harem was mixed up in the stack of weekly reports she'd gotten from her Aurors.
"Who knew Auror Tonks was into this sort of thing," she mumbled to herself. Well, she wasn't one to judge. Amelia filed it in the interdepartmental mail box and hit it with a couple charms to ensure that it would reach its destination. The daily reports finished, she reached into her inbox and affixed her signature to the first several papers without bothering to read them, determining what was important enough to warrant her signature was her secretary's job after all.
Sirius walked up to a posh two story brick and rapped several times on the door and was gratified that he got immediate confirmation that he was in the right place when the door was answered by Harry's bushy haired best friend.
"Sirius," Hermione said flatly, "don't think I haven't heard what you're doing. There was a story all about it in the Quibbler."
"What I'm doing?" Sirius asked innocently. "And since when did you start reading the Quibbler?"
"Building a harem for Harry," Hermione explained, she ignored the second question, "and I want you to know that I'll have no part of it."
"Of course not," Sirius agreed quickly, "you're not the type I'm looking for. Glad we got that out of the way."
"What do you mean by that?" Hermione growled.
"That's not important," Sirius said with a wave, "what's important is that we both agree that you're not the kind of girl that is suitable for harem life. Now the reason I'm here is to offer you the position of Harry's secretary."
"Secretary?" Hermione hissed. The girl's eyes flashed dangerously.
"You know, taking letters, doing a bit of research, that sort of thing." Sirius paused and seemed to think about it. "And absolutely no hanky panky, I think that sounds reasonable don't you? I mean, secretary fits you much better then harem girl don't you think?"
"Secretary," Hermione growled, "how dare you?!"
"Harry needs someone he can trust," Sirius said simply, "and since you're not suitable harem girl material, I had to figure something else you could do for him."
"But . . . but secretary . . ."
"Would you rather be his gardener or maid?" Sirius asked. "I wanted all the maids to double as harem girls in sexy outfits but I suppose we could have one with a long skirt and sensible shoes."
"Gardner . . . maid . . . sensible shoes . . ."
"No point in wearing heels," Sirius agreed cheerfully.
"Take that back," Hermione demanded.
"Take what back?" Sirius asked dumbly.
"Take back what you said about me not being a suitable harem girl!" Hermione screamed.
"I didn't mean anything bad by it," Sirius protested, "just that you weren't the type. You said you didn't want to be one yourself. There's no shame in not being qualified for something."
"Don't put words in my mouth," Hermione replied hotly.
"Sorry, it's just, I really can't see you as a harem girl and since you said . . ."
"I said don't put words into my mouth," Hermione interrupted, "I'm perfectly capable of being a harem girl."
"If you say so," Sirius said skeptically.
"I am," Hermione insisted hotly, stamping her foot for emphasis. "In fact . . ."
"In fact?" He prompted.
"In fact, I demand you give me a place in Harry's harem."
"Not gonna happen," Sirius said flatly, "now why don't you just agree to be a secretary like a good little girl."
"Like a good little girl." Hermione's face turned purple. "I saved your life."
"And I thanked you for it," Sirius agreed calmly, "now back to being . . ."
"You owe me a life debt," Hermione said firmly.
"Harry did most of the work," Sirius demurred.
"That doesn't matter," Hermione growled, "without me you would have died, so you owe me."
"Fine," Sirius agreed, "I owe you . . . so what?"
"So I'm calling in your debt to me," Hermione said with a feral smile, "make me a member of Harry's harem or renege on your debt."
"Do I have to?"
"Yes," Hermione screamed.
"Sure this is what you want kid?" Sirius said nervously. "I mean, I wouldn't want to spoil the harem . . . er . . . your life like this."
"Stop stalling and just do it," Hermione growled.
"Fine," Sirius sighed, "if you'll just sign here . . . here . . . here . . . initial here . . . here . . . and sign here. Great, you're now an official member of Harry's harem from now until the end of time."
"And no one can say that I'm not suitable," Hermione said smugly, "not after signing that."
"That's right kid," Sirius agreed, "and I must say that I should have never gotten into a battle of wits with you. I mean, you ran rings around an old man like me."
"Let that be a lesson to you," Hermione said graciously.
"Oh I will," Sirius agreed. "Oh, before I forget." He rummaged around his pocket for a bit before emerging with a gold tennis bracelet. "Keep this on you at all times, it's an emergency portkey."
"Thank you Sirius," Hermione said with a pleased smile. "Do you have anything for my parents?"
"Their portkeys are in the new harem girl orientation packet that you should be getting in the next few hours," Sirius replied.
"Okay," Hermione agreed, smug at the reminder that she'd bested the man in a battle of wits.
"Now if there wasn't anything else that you wanted to ask me, then I'd better go." Sirius grinned. "I'm still aching at the one sided victory you scored and I'd like a chance to lick my wounds."
"There's nothing else I can think of," Hermione said graciously. "So I suppose you may go."
Amelia noticed something odd when she got home that night. Her normally bubbly niece was spending the night glaring at her and hadn't spoken a word at all. She ran down her mental list to try to find something, anything, that would explain the girl's strange behavior and drew a blank.
"Okay," Amelia said. "Why are you angry at me?"
"How could you, Aunt Amelia," Susan wailed.
"How could I what?" Amelia asked in confusion.
"How could you sign me up for Harry Potter's harem without making sure that Hannah could come with me," Susan sobbed. "You know we do everything together." The girl jumped to her feet and raced up the stairs to her room, slamming the door shut.
"Harem?" Amelia blinked several times. "Teenagers." Susan would probably forget about whatever she was angry about by morning and then everything would go back to normal again.
Hermione looked at the bracelet she was wearing and then looked at the packet the goblins had delivered.
She couldn't believe it, she was in a harem!
How could Sirius have outsmarted her like that?
Her brain paused and spun its wheels at that. She was outsmarted by Sirius Black? A man who thought the whoopee cushion was the greatest muggle invention ever?!
No, she had to be wrong.
Come to think of it she had ordered him to let her into the harem using up a life debt and there was surely rules against tricking someone into using them against one's self, so something else must have happened.
The only person qualified to outsmart her in that conversation was... herself.
Obviously her subconscious had given up trying to tell her something and had gone straight to taking action. Those dreams she'd had about Harry must have been more than just the average teenage hormones at work.
She must want to be with Harry and so her subconscious had seen the chance slipping through her fingers and took action.
She was simply so smart she'd outsmarted herself and Sirius.
Satisfied that the world made sense once more she quickly went to tell her parents about how she'd outsmarted Sirius and gotten herself the man she wanted.
If there was one thing Amelia Bones hated, it was being wrong. As it turned out, Susan had not forgotten about whatever it was she was angry about and had locked herself in her room.
"Susan," Amelia said gently. "Aren't you getting hungry?"
"No," the girl shouted back. "I'm not going to eat anything."
Amelia checked the time and sighed. "Alright, you win. What do I need to do to make you happy again?"
"Make it so Hannah can come with me," Susan replied.
"How do I do that?" Amelia asked. Come with her where, what was that girl on about?
"You don't know?" The door cracked open and Susan peaked out.
"I'm completely at a loss," Amelia admitted. The whole damned situation confused her.
"Then can I take care of it?" Susan asked hopefully.
"Would it require you leaving one of the secure areas?" Amelia asked.
"I could take one of your Aurors with me," Susan said hopefully.
Amelia thought the matter over, who did she have that she'd trust with her niece, that would be good with a young girl, and that was competent enough to provide the proper amount of protection. "Call the office and tell them you need Auror Tonks, tell Auror Tonks that I said she should accompany you for the day."
"Oh thank you, Aunty Amelia." Susan threw her arms around the older woman. "I'm sorry I was angry at you before."
"That's alright, Susan," Amelia soothed. Damned hormones, damned summer vacation, damned Hogwarts. Stupid school should start later so the parents got more time with their children while they were still in the cute innocent stage, all they'd have to do is cut out the holidays, sparring the parents from the teenaged stage. "Now then, I'm afraid I have to be going now but I want to make sure that everything is resolved."
"It will be," Susan promised. "You're the best Aunty ever."
"I try," Amelia said happily. Damn she was good.
Sirius plastered a confident look on his face as he approached the door. It opened before he had a chance to knock.
"Mr. Patil?" Sirius greeted the man. "I'm from the . . ."
"Oh thank god you're here." The man had tears in his eyes. "Thank all the gods of existence."
"You're here to take my daughters away, right?" Hope and madness filled the man's eyes. "Aren't you?"
"For my godson's harem," Sirius agreed.
"Do you have the paperwork ready?" He demanded.
"The paperwork," the man said impatiently. "You do have it ready, right . . . right?"
"Right here," Sirius confirmed, holding it up.
The crazed man yanked it out of Sirius' hands and signed it all. "How soon do they leave?" He demanded.
"Well, I wasn't planning on . . ."
"You can move up the schedule right?"
"I suppose," Sirius agreed. Wouldn't hurt to have a few girls in the villa before Harry got there. "Um, why are you so eager to have me take them away?"
"I have seven daughters," the man replied. "Two sets of twins and one set of triplets. Every year I send them to three different schools and every summer they come back home, they all come back home. They all fight over the bathroom, the kitchen, every space and everything in the house. But now I'm free." He laughed maniacally. "Free."
"Of two of them," Sirius agreed.
"Of all seven," the man giggled. "You shouldn't have left that part blank for me to fill out." He giggled again. "Free."
"Well, here's the portkey that'll send them to the new harem." It to was snatched out of his hands. "You just say villa to activate it." He called after the retreating man.
Susan threw her arms around Tonks as soon as the Auror appeared.
"Thank you so much for coming," the girl cheered.
"No problem," Tonks agreed. When the Director tells you to do something, you bloody well do it. "What're we doing today?"
"We're going to hunt down Sirius Black and force him to give Hannah a place too," Susan explained. "There may be a bit of torture involved."
Harry cursed as he felt the cold feeling associated with the presence of dementors. This was it, time to fight or die, time to . . . or he could just use that Portkey Sirius gave him. For a brief instant, Harry considered making an attempt to take his unwanted relatives along. Then he remembered the unwanted part so he put Hedwig on his left shoulder, grabbed his trunk in his right hand, and disappeared with a pop.
He reappeared in front of a large and decidedly pornographic fountain. The sky was blue, the air was sweet, and he was standing on graphic mosaic floor that was a dozen times more depraved then the fountain.
"Where am I?" Harry muttered in wonder.
"You're in the Villa Dēfutūta on the island of Ischia," a soft female voice replied, "are you uninjured?"
"Yeah," Harry agreed. He looked around but failed to catch a glimpse of his host. "Where are you?"
One of the nymphs from the fountain turned focused her gaze on him and began to speak. "I'm all around you, I am your villa and you are my master. Is there anything you require?"
Their target gone and after a quick snack of the things their target had left behind, the dementors milled about for a few minutes until they got a hint of something else. It didn't have quite the same feel as their target, but it was close enough. The creatures took to the air, leaving behind the soulless husks of the Dursley family. It would be weeks before anyone noticed any difference.
Sirius knew he was in deep trouble when unseen assailants covered his head with a bag, tied his hands behind his back, and planted several dainty kicks in his kidneys. Before he knew it, he was tied to a chair and the familiar sound of electricity coursing through jumper cables filled the air.
"Why don't you just tell me what this is all about before hooking those to my testicles?" He suggested. "Oh, and if this is a sex thing then I want you to know that I'm flattered but not into that sort of thing, you want my good friend Remus for that. I'd be happy to go get him for you." The bag was whipped off his head and Sirius strained to see his attackers through the bright light.
"You know very well what this is about," Susan growled.
"Not happy about being in the whole harem thing then?" Sirius asked cheerfully.
"Hit him, Hannah," Susan ordered.
"Okay, Susan," the smiling blond agreed.
Sirius sighed as the little blond attached the jumper cables to his fingers, kids today, no appreciation of how things were supposed to be done.
"Now are you going to give Hannah a place in the harem with me or are we going to have to do that again?" Susan demanded.
"Sign up forms are in my back pocket," Sirius said quickly. Damn, his godson was even more irresistible then he'd thought if girls were willing to resort to kidnapping and torture to get into the harem. Kid was lucky to have such a great godfather to take after. Damn, he was good.
Voldemort laughed as the Dementors flooded into his meeting room. Imagine, the fools at the Ministry thinking that the creatures would be able to stand up to a Dark Lord of his power.
"Remain seated," Voldemort ordered. The Dark Lord drew his wand and prepared to usurp the Ministry's feeble controls. "With one spell I shall usurp the Ministry's controls and the Dementors will submit to me, their new master." His spineless minions mollified, the Dark Lord raised his wand to cast the spell and then dropped it as his body began to shake. Damn that Potter for sending feelings of euphoria through the bond, was the Dark Lord's last coherent thought before a wave of pleasure made thinking impossible.
With the Dark Lord distracted, the Dementors proceeded to chow down on the Death Eaters like Mr. Creosote at an all you can eat buffet. They finished the meal with Voldemort's soul, it was wafer thin.
Cornelius Fudge looked across the assembled reporters gathered before him like hogs to a trough. In one fell swoop, he was going to turn the tragedy that befell the heads of two dozen pureblood houses into something that would forever tarnish the name of Potter and as a consequence, keep the boy from becoming a political threat.
"To start with," Fudge said in what he believed to be a firm, commanding voice. "After a through investigation, the Ministry has come to the conclusion that the entire mess with the Dementors is the fault of Harry Potter since the beasts first went after him and the boy ran away. Furthermore . . . ."
"Excuse me," Sirius called out, "I'd like to make a statement on behalf of my ward, Harry Potter." The reporters dropped everything they'd been doing and clustered around Sirius like like politicians around a lobbyist. "Now then, it is true that Harry activated his portkey and left the scene of a Dementor attack."
"Does that . . ."
"I'm not finished," Sirius said coldly. He glared at the reporters until they settled down. "Now then, the reason he left was because he knew that the dementors were under Ministry control and he trusted the Minister's word when the Minister assured him that there was no chance that the dementors could ever break free."
The reporters were frantically scribbling on their papers.
"Harry figured that the dementors had been sent by the Ministry, he wasn't sure why but he was sure that it would be best to get out of the way so that professionals could handle things. It was not, as some have suggested, evidence that Harry Potter is a coward. It is however evidence that a young boy had too much faith in his government. Thank you."
A smile bloomed on Sirius' face as he swept out of the room, try to put the blame on his godson would they? Well, he sure showed those bastards. Sirius scratched his chin, he couldn't help but think that he was forgetting something.
"Snape," he cursed. "Forgot to wrap things up with ol'Snivvy." Shouldn't take more then an hour or two to bring thing to their proper conclusion, he reflected to himself.
Whistling a jaunty tune, Sirius walked out of the Ministry building and disappeared with a pop.
Every eye turned to stare at the Headmaster as he walked into the emergency order meeting.
"What's this about?" Dumbledore asked curiously.
"I'm afraid that several accusations have been leveled against two members of the Order," Minerva informed her superior.
"Who?" Dumbledore asked, mystified that anyone would think anything bad of their fellows.
"We thought it best for you to remain above such things, Albus," Remus interjected smoothly. "That way the two members won't feel self conscious."
"Understandable," Dumbledore agreed. "And let me state for the record that every member of the Order has my full confidence."
"But not the full confidence of their fellows," Remus added. "Which is why we need to resolve things quickly before they become festering sores that affect our effectiveness."
"How were you planning to resolve things?" Dumbledore asked.
"Why don't you take this one, Mad-Eye," Remus suggested.
"Truth potions and charms can be used to help determine guilt or innocence but they're not a hundred percent reliable and they don't address the root of the problem which is a lack of confidence," Moody rumbled.
"So you are not going to use magic to find a solution." Dumbledore nodded.
"Correct, and that's why we're going to try a little something from the muggle world," Moody said with a lear. "Everyone gets two billiard balls, a white one and a black one. White for yes, Black for no."
"What then?" Dumbledore asked eagerly.
"You put your ball into a sock and form into two rows with the rest of the Order. The accused . . . er . . . Order member that is being voted on walks between the two rows and the Order members in the rows swing their socks. The white ball has a mild cheering charm on it and is charmed to do no damage when it hits. The black ball is made out of lead and is charmed to not rip the sock." Some might call it running the gauntlet.
"I see, it's a trust exercise," Dumbledore said with a smile. "Once an accusation has been made, it's important to show the Order that the member who has been accused still trusts the remainder of the Order with their safety. Brilliant."
"Can't take credit for this one," Moody admitted. "It was Remus' idea."
"Spend a few years in the muggle world and you pick a few things up," Remus said modestly.
"I'm sure." Dumbledore favored everyone with a smile. "And since my presence is not needed, I shall retire to my office at Hogwarts. Please call me if you need anything."
"We will," Remus agreed.
Dumbledore brushed past Sirius on his way out of the house.
"Albus," Sirius greeted the man.
"Good day, Sirius," Albus greeted the man. "I'm afraid I can not stay and chat. But before I go, I wish you to know that you have a full measure of my confidence and respect. I have no doubt that your fellows in the Order feel the same way and that any doubts one or two of them might have about you are sure to be gone by the end of the night."
"Thanks, Albus," Sirius said with a wide grin. "You don't know how much it means to me to hear you say that."
"Courage, my boy," Albus said as he walked out the door. "You will get through this."
Shrugging off the old man's behavior, Sirius walked into the main room and sidled up to his best remaining friend. "What's up?"
"We're going to make Snape and Dung run the gauntlet," Remus whispered to him. "Here's your sock, black ball's made out of led."
"I knew giving you that list of errands to run was a good idea," Sirius congratulated himself. "Sometimes I even amaze myself."
Snape arrived a few minutes later and took his usual spot in the corner of the room opposite the nearest exit.
"What's this meeting about?" The odious man said sourly. A nervous trickle of fear urine made its way down Severus' leg when he saw the look on his school yard nemesis's face. Sometimes it didn't pay to get out of bed.
With Voldemort and his Death Eaters gone, Harry lived a merry life with his massive Harem which bore him several hundred children. Their arrival at Hogwarts prompted the retirement of Minerva McGonagall and the suicide of Severus Snape.
AN: Thanks to and polish by; dogbertcarroll, Doghead Thirteen, Innortal, and Ikari Shinji. More thanks and typos fixed by; Tommy King and rhianona, tengokujin, Simon Mountney, and meteoricshipyards.
Omake by Derek Hernandez
"Happy Birthday, godson of mine!" Sirius cheered as he handed Harry a small envelope.
Having no clue what his godfather might get him for his birthday... especially something that looked like a sheet of paper... Harry quickly opened the envelope.
"What is it?" Harry asked before looking at it, amused at the excited- like-a-puppy look on Sirius's face.
"Just look, kiddo!"
Harry pulled out the sheet of parchment and stared at it for a minute. It was nothing but a list of about a dozen names.
Upon closer examination, he realized the names were all female. At first he thought they were merely some of his classmates, but then he saw the last few were names he didn't recognize (and French, by the looks of them).
"Erm, okaaayyyy?" Harry asked, befuddled.
Sirius looked like he was about to burst from excitement. He had to struggle for a moment to wipe the grin off his face and take on a more serious tone (though obviously fake).
"Well, Harry. I know you've been feeling a bit down in the dumps lately, so I wanted to do something special for you. So I said to myself, 'Sirius ol'boy, what would cheer you up?' And then I realized it! It was so obvious!
"That, Harry my boy, is your very own harem!"
Sirius knew he had done right and gotten a gift beyond Harry's wildest expectations when he saw how high his godson's eyebrows rose.
"H-h-harem? As in those fantasy stories in those pornos you gave me? One guy, lots of girls..." Harry waved his hand in a circle as if to non-verbally continue that sentence... those parts he wasn't quite
ready to speak aloud from shock and surprise. (Not that he hadn't read those stories. Many times.)
"Oh yeah!" Sirius confirmed. "Exactly like those stories. Lots and LOTS of..." Sirius mimicked Harry's hand wave.
In a bit of an overload, Harry's mind glossed over the names of his classmates and seized upon the unfamiliar names.
"What are these few names?"
"Ah ha ha..." Sirius chuckled, quite please with himself. "The pièce de résistance! That, my lucky godson, is a quartet of veela. Two sets of twins, as I understand it."
Harry's jaw dropped. "veela?"
Sirius smirked. "Oh yes. And you already met one of them. Remember that 'emissary' from the Delacours you met a week ago?"
Harry nodded dumbly. He remembered her all right.
"Well, that was a lie," Sirius said, amused. "The whole thing was fabricated so she could meet you. I must say, little Pronglet, you certainly seemed to have made an impression upon her."
"B-But I didn't do anything!" Harry objected. "I knew she was a veela, so all I did was try to not make an arse of myself and try to act like a gentleman while we talked."
"Damn," Sirius muttered to himself. "I'll definitely have to remember THAT next time!"
While Sirius was momentarily distracted with his own thoughts to make nice with a veela, Harry looked at the list of names again. That Sirius had arranged for a harem for him was only just starting to sink in.
'Luna Lovegood' Harry pondered. 'Name's vaguely familiar.' Though he knew he hadn't ever met her, he didn't have any negative associations with the name, so he decided she had to have been either a Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff.
The next name on the list caused Harry to do a double take. Hermione? Hermione?!
"Erm, Sirius. I have a couple questions for you..."
"If it's anything technical, just look read that manual I gave you first. And if you need suggestions, go read those pornos again."
For the first time thus far, Harry blushed.
"No, not that. Those parts I think I understand. Actually, it's the list itself. All the girls on here... They've all..."
"Oh yes, of course, Harry! They all consented to this. Everyone agreed of their own free will."
Harry nodded. Well, THAT made him feel a whole lot better. He was still in shock over this whole "harem" thing, but at least the nature of their participation was not in question.
His mind still on Hermione, there was another question he had... well, lots, but the 'easiest' one came to mind first.
"Why are there stars around Hermione's name?"
"Ah, yes, her!" Sirius started laughing. "Keep an eye on her, my boy. Keep an eye on her. She practically begged and pleaded with me to add her to your harem."
"Hermione?" Harry asked in shock.
"She even called in my life debt to get me to let her join your harem. So like I said, keep your eye on her. She just may give those veela twins a run for their money. You know how they say it's always the
quiet ones," Sirius said, waggling his eyebrows.
Omake by Sergey Tsvetkov
"You understand that he talked you in doing exactly what you never wanted to do?" veela asked looking at Hermione with pity.
"I understand" Hermione answered calmly, "that he thinks so. Good for him. Knowing how Sirius likes to brag, nobody would say that I was willing to join the Harem from the start. Being tricked saves some of my image. Now," she got her quill and a dozen of parchments, "let's make some plans."
Omake by laros_deejay
Millicent allowed herself a smirk (two millimeters on the right corner of the mouth, five on the left, careful not to squint and no showing of teeth) as she tied the pack of forms to the leg of a large barn owl. "Hurry, and take this to the ministry," she said, then watched the bird leave. She repressed the urge to rub her hands in glee. It would be unbecoming. "You're mine now, Draco," she whispered to herself. It had taken a good deal of work over the last weeks and some sleight of hand but she had managed to get Pansy to sign the forms without ever realizing it. That she had managed to trick the Greengrass sisters, Davis and Zabini's mother too was just an added bonus. They had been around when she made her move and would have looked suspicious if she had singled out only one of them. Oh yes, finding those application forms to Potter's harem that had fallen out of somebody's pocket had been so totally worth wiping her allowance for the month for that one portion of felix felicis.