A/N: You would think that, after over 4 months, I would have the world's best excuse prepared for you.
Well, fuck it, I don't. I've just been lazy. Let's do this thingy, and pretend as if I posted chapter 4 yesterday, okay? Great!
After Edward was done throwing golf balls –which I had no idea where he got- at Emmett's head, he told us to sit down in the living room for a few minutes. Edward then pulled a screaming Alice with him upstairs, a devious smirk on his lips.
"You can't make me do this! This is not right! Please, Edward, I'll do anything!" Alice pleaded as they disappeared.
"Hang in there, honey!" Jasper called, and then snickered.
"What's he doing?" Rosalie asked. She was sitting next to Jasper in the sofa, throwing lust filled glances at Emmett who was picking up golf balls from the floor and putting them in a bag, muttering about revenge.
I smiled, "Not sure, but I have a feeling it might involve breaking a few fashion rules."
Three minutes later, during which Emmett and Rosalie was had some kind of freaky 'undress and make out with your eyes only' thing going on and Jasper spent looking more and more nauseous by the second, Edward finally emerged from upstairs.
I looked at him for exactly 0.12 seconds before breaking out in loud guffaws, and I was immediately joined by Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie.
My husband was standing before us wearing knee high pink and white striped socks, white mini shorts, a pink shirt with some kind of Disney print on it, and a pink bandana. He looked like a Popsicle.
"Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to welcome you all to EA's fashion show, hosted by your very own Edward Cullen."
We all clapped our hands, and Edward bowed so deep that he almost touched his nose to his knees. When he straightened up again, his smile was blinding. Something sparkling by his ears caught my gaze, and when he turned his head towards the stairs I saw that he had earrings peeking out under the bandana. And I mean huge, glittering, bling bling earrings. They were in the shape of a dollar sign, the kind that gangster rappers wore.
I hadn't noticed them since I'd been too focused on the mini shorts. I mean, can you blame me? Seriously?
"In just a moment I will be joined by my partner, Alice Cullen. Together, we will show you the latest, vampiest fashion." Edward's voice was super serious, and he was really playing his part well. It kind of freaked me out. Had he been practicing this sort of thing before I came along?
"I am so glad that so many of you have showed up here today" Edward continued, and we all heard Alice whining from upstairs. "Feel free to take as many pictures as you wish, I've actually brought some cameras for you, and we will also be taping the event." he picked up a box from the floor and started handing out the cameras. When he reached me, he gave me a huge, boyish grin and wiggled his eyebrows.
I tried so hard to not laugh, but it was kind of impossible. The man was wearing eye shadow, for god's sake. Pink, glittering eye shadow, that is.
"Hey Edward, your legs look great in those shorts!" Emmett laughed, earning an elbow to the ribs by Rosalie.
"We haven't made out for 2 hours and you're already becoming gay? Geez, Emmett." she barked, "We're gonna have to win this fast, or else you'd probably run off to join the Backstreet boy's."
I laughed, "There's an idea. Emmett, we should totally sit down and watch my old VHS with their concerts, wouldn't that be awesome?"
All I got was a frightened stare from all the vampires in the room.
"What?" I asked, not understanding what I'd said wrong.
Edward cleared his throat, "Erm, Bella? You listened to Backstreet boys?"
"Yeah? Why, what's wrong with that?"
"Oh, nothing…" he gave me a look as if to question my sanity, and I glared back. A man wearing 90% pink outfit was not allowed to comment on my taste of music.
Jasper spoke up then, "Okay, come on guys, let's get this show on the road!" he clapped his hands together, looking freakishly like Alice for a moment.
"I'll never forgive you for this!" Alice yelled from upstairs, sounding slightly hysterical.
"Alice, come on down here so that we can start." Edward demanded, and we all sat up straight with out cameras ready.
Nothing could have prepared me for the sight I was met by a few moments later. We all sat still, frozen in our seats with our mouths hanging open as Alice came into view.
Let me try to paint the picture for you, I want to make sure I get everything right.
Red flip flops with huge orange flowers covering the big toe, skin tight green pants in a snake skin pattern that flared at her ankles, a thick woolen turtleneck sweater in the most ghastly shade of pink I had ever seen in my entire life. In her ears hang some kind of jewelry that resembled an un-peeled potato, and to top it all of she had a black and white beanie on her head.
It was the ugliest outfit in the history of clothes, of that I was sure.
Alice whined and protested as Edward pushed her forward, and we all snapped pictures so fast that the cameras started to smell burned. After Alice had done one circuit around the room, she disappeared freakishly fast, even for a vampire. Edward continued strutting his stuff in front of us, posing like a veteran Victoria Secret model as he went.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so I settled on shaking my head and trying to make sure that the mental image I had of my husband didn't change from a gorgeous, manly vampire into what more resembled Paris Hilton on crack.
Minus the earrings of course. Paris would never be caught dead wearing those.
20 colorful, horrifying and at the same time hilarious minutes later, the fashion show was over. Alice didn't even wait to leave the room before ripping her oversized, polka dotted dress into pieces, leaving her in nothing but her underwear.
I saw Jasper's eyes grow wide, and I bet he was getting pretty… frustrated after sitting between Rose and Emmett for this long.
Hell, even I was getting hot and bothered, and I believe it had more to do with the emotions Jasper was emitting than the fact that my husband was still in front me. I mean, I love Edward to death and beyond, but if he were to wear those purple jeans to bed, he would have more chance of getting it on with the bedside lamp than with me.
"Okay, Jasper. It's my turn to call the shots now." Rosalie said, and even I recoiled a little. She sounded pretty hostile, and I was glad I wasn't the one she was glaring at. Jasper looked worried, but he got up and followed her out the house without a word. He probably reasoned that he wouldn't get much support or sympathy from his wife, so there was no point in complaining.
I turned to Emmett, smiling widely as I saw his slightly anxious expression. Hell yeah, I had gotten him scared and I hadn't even started yet. Brilliant!
"Feeling like taking a little trip to movie theater, Emmett?" I asked innocently.
He flew up from the couch instantly, grinning from ear to ear. "Hell yeah! There's a new Stallone movie premiering tonight, how did you know? People get so macho after watching his films, so you can always count on someone to start a brawl before the night is over."
"Oh I'm sure there will be a brawl…" I snickered, turning to wink at Edward. He lifted one eyebrow, smiling back at me as he slipped out of his fake fur vest.
Alice reemerged, now dressed in red, sky high heels, a tight black dress with an artfully designed neckline, silver jewelry and immaculate makeup. I bet she was doing everything she could to get the memory of the last hour to fade from everyone's mind. Including her own. Well, probably first and foremost her own.
She stood in the doorway, hand on her hips as she glared at Edward. He straightened up after taking his Scooby Doo painted rain boots off, dread filling his eyes as he stared back at Alice.
"Alice, no. There is no way we're doing that." he said, his voice barely a whisper. Both Emmett and I looked from Edward to Alice, super curious about what had gotten Edward's panties in such a twist.
Okay, he probably wasn't' wearing panties, but after a show like this, I couldn't be quite sure, could I?
Alice didn't say a word. She just kept glaring.
Edward staggered backwards, his eyes wide. "No! No, not that too! Please Alice, please not the wheel!"
The wheel? What wheel?
"Damn, Alice. What are you up to?" Emmett asked. He couldn't take not being in the loop anymore, he was practically bouncing, Alice style, on the couch as he watched Edward's frightened appearance.
Edward turned, slowly, towards us. The expression on his face was similar to how he had looked when Renesmee had told him that Jacob was taking her cliff jumping last year.
Terrified. Really, freaking terrified.
His mouth opened, and I saw that his bottom lip was trembling. He looked to Alice once more, and I saw that she was now holding a bucket with some kind of paint in it. Pink paint.
I realized what she had planned the same second as Edward forced the words out.
Oh dang, his car was getting a paintjob. I definitely didn't want to be here for that one. Edward in pink clothes and earrings is one thing, but Edward crying and screaming while Alice turned his car into something that only Barbie's husband would drive was not something I cared to witness. I had enough trouble remembering that the man before me was a strong, lethal, sexy vampire as it was.
I stood, walking over to Edward and patted his back. "Stay strong, Ken."
o o o
"This is not what I signed up for. I thought we were watching Stallone!" Emmett whined as I pulled him with me through the thick line of teenage girls giggling and chatting loudly, most of them wearing shirts with Leonardo DiCaprio's face on it.
It was Titanic night, a celebration of the movie's 15th anniversary, and we had front seat tickets. It would feel like we were really there, holding on to the railing along with Jack and Rose as the water came closer, standing in the very front of the ship, screaming that we are the king's of the world. Me, Emmett and 98 % of the town's population of girls.
It was freaking awesome.
But of course I didn't count on Leo to do the entire job alone. It was time to set my other plan into motion. The plan also known as "making Emmett think I want to do the dirty with him and not let our respective partners find out."
Hell yes, it was time for some groping in the darkness…
Emmett and I found our seats, sat down and waited. The room filled up quickly, and soon the lights went out and the movie started.
Ready, set, go.
The old lady's portrait is found.
I put my arm on the armrest next to Emmett's.
The helicopter lands on the boat and Brock is handed a fishbowl.
I lean into his side, resting my head on his shoulder.
Rose begins telling her story to the crew.
I lightly trail my fingers along the back of Emmett's hand, feeling him stiffen.
Jack wins the poker game and run's to get on the ship.
I interlace my fingers with his, snuggling closer.
Cal orders lamb with mint sauce for him and Rose.
I reach up to whisper in Emmett's ear, "Isn't this cozy?" He hasn't taken a breath in many minutes.
Jack sees Rose for the first time, watching her from afar.
"I'm really glad I'm here with you instead of Edward." I purr in his ear, almost touching my lips to his skin.
Rose climbs over the railing and prepares to fall.
I reach my other hand over and lightly trail fingers along his thigh. His face is stoic as he stares at the screen, his expression similar to how Edward looked when I last saw him.
Jack takes her hand to help her back.
My fingers trail upward, slowly…
Just as Rose slips, Emmett stands and bolts out of the door quicker than humanly possible.
I lean back in my chair, beaming as I mentally pat myself on the back.
One down. I only hope Edward hangs in there…
Oh well, let's see who cracks next.. Or is Emmett really out of the picture? dum dum dum... Leave a review if you feel like making one writers block challenged Lisa a lot happier!