Day Fourteen

This is it! The two remaining survivors have survived the harsh conditions of the desert for fourteen days! Tonight, the jury of past survivors will vote for who will win the whole game! But until then, the remaining survivors stay in their camp, talking, sharing stories, and just reminiscing of their wonderful experience in the Sahara desert.

Rick: Hey, did you ever wonder why the sun lightens people's hair but darkens their skin?

Imhotep: as a bald man, I don't really care about the sun's effect on my hair.

Rick: What hair?

Imhotep: Yes, exactly.

Rick: Huh?

Imhotep: You see, you asked why the sun would lighten hair but darken skin, and I was merely explaining...

Rick: Hey, did you ever wonder why you never hear about psychics winning the lottery?

Imhotep: Well, I never really thought about it, but I guess that...

Rick: Hey did you ever wonder why a dog hates it if you blow in his face, but they stick their heads out of windows in the car.

Imhotep: Who cares?

Rick: Hey, did you ever wonder...

Imhotep: Enough! Holy Hamunaptra, you are the single most annoying, brainless, stupid man I have ever encountered in all my 3,000 years!

Rick: Hey, did you ever wonder...


Later that night...

Jeff: Hey guys, congrats on making it this far! Now it's time for the last tribal council!

Imhotep: Finally!

Rick: Hey, did you ever wonder...

Imhotep: SHUT UP!!!

Jeff leads the last two survivors to tribal council. A jury of past survivors are sitting on benches on the opposite side. At the beginning of Survivor, there were fourteen members. Now only six people are still alive. The jury is made up of Ardeth, the Curator, Evy, and Anck-sunamun. Jeff tells Rick and Imhotep to sit on benches on the other side.

Jeff: Hello everyone! Welcome back, jury members! Before we vote, I'm going to let Rick and Imhotep each ask ONE jury member ONE question. Imhotep, you go first.

Imhotep: Ok, my question is for... ummm...Anck-sunamun!

Jeff: Ok, what's the question?

Imhotep: Ok. Anck-sunamun, I really enjoyed being your teammate... and boyfriend. I think that we made a really good team and together we could have ruled the world!...or at least this game show. Now I know this might not be the best time, but... I think we should see other people. What do you think?

Anck-sunamun: WHAT??!!!

Rick: Hey, he stole my question!

Evy: WHAT??!!!

Rick: Ummm, I mean... I love you?

Jeff: Anck-sunamun what is your answer?

Anck-sunamun (crying): How could you do this to me? I've given you everything! And now you want to just break it off with me? (Sobs uncontrollably)

Jeff: Rick, it's your turn. Who are you going to ask your question to?

Rick: Uhhh...Evy!

Jeff: Ok, and what is your question?

Rick: Ok, Evy, this is a really important question. I've been thinking about this for days and days. I will never be able to concentrate on anything until I know the truth.

Evy: And?

Rick: Where did I put the remote control?

Evy: What kind of a question is that? Oh, by the way, check your back pocket.

Rick looks in his back pocket and, sure enough, the elusive remote control is there.


Evy: Idiot.

Jeff: well, now we'll let the jury vote. Today, instead of writing down who you want to boot off, you write down who you want to win. Ardeth, you go first.

Ardeth: I want the creature to win. I see now the error of my ways. The creature is not a source of evil; he is just a misunderstood product of ancient Egypt, trying to find his way in our modern world.

Rick: Uhhh...

Evy: WHAT?!

Ardeth: I have been taking counseling. My counselor has taught me to control my built up anger of the so-called-creature, which is clearly a figment of my imagination representing a troubled childhood.

All: ...

Jeff: Next!

The Curator: I vote for Imhotep, my master! Even though you did let me DIE at the end of the movie!

Imhotep: My bad.

Jeff: Ok, now you, Evy.

Evy: I vote for Rick. He may be stu... I mean, he might not be the brightest fellow, but he's my husband and I love him.

All: Awwwww!

Jeff: Next!

Anck-sunamun: I vote for... Rick!

Imhotep: WHAT??!!

Anck-sunamun: No one breaks up with Anck-sunamun!

Jeff: Well, it appears that we have a tie, and in the event of a tie...

Imhotep: Geez, I am so SICK of your voice!

Jeff: Excuse me?

Imhotep: Day in and day out, it's always "survivor this" and "immunity challenge that"! I don't know how much longer I can take it!

Rick: just shut up so we can see who wins.

The Curator: Nobody wins, it's a tie!

Evy: No, stupid, we gotta have a tie breaker!

Rick: no, we gotta see who wins!

Imhotep: That's what a tie breaker is, stupid!

Rick: You want a piece of me?

Imhotep: Bring it on!

The Curator: I'll defend you master!

Evy: You stay out of this, you weasel!

Anck-sunamun: Hey, step off, bitch!

Rick: Hey, you can't talk to my wife like that, you skank!

Imhotep: Hey, you can't talk to my girl that way, you dumbass!

Anck-sunamun: Ex-girl, you dummy!

Ardeth: People, people, let us all channel our anger into...

All: SHUT UP!!!

Ardeth: Oh, that's it!

A huge fight breaks out. Jeff stands back, astounded. Rick is fighting Imhotep. Evy is fighting Anck-sunamun. Ardeth is fighting the curator (who is getting his ass kicked). Finally, the three little fights merge into one big fight. Everyone starts using weapons instead of their hands. Pretty soon, the fighting stops. Jeff walks over to find that they had all killed each other in the fight.

Jeff: Great, now who am I gonna give the prize money to?

Jeff suddenly hears a voice.

Voice: Hello? Hello? Where is everyone?

Jeff: I know that voice. Oh no, it's... it's...

Alex: Hello Jeff! Where's mum and dad?

Jeff: NOOOO!!! I mean, I thought you fell into the bottomless pit.

Alex: I did, but obviously it was built by some very lazy workmen. It stops just short of being bottomless. It took me awhile, but I finally climbed out.

Jeff: Well... I guess no one saw that coming. Alex, I guess you win!

Alex: Do I really! Bloody good! I can finally afford my own pet elephant!

Jeff: Well, um, sure. Well viewers, that about wraps it up for survivor. Thanks for watching (reading?). join us next time for... SURVIVOR.

A/N: Well, that's it. I'm finally done. This story took more than a year to write! Woo-hoo! Yay! Seriously, I don't see what readers find appealing in these stories. I don't really think they're that funny, but my faithful readers do, so I guess that's pretty good.


I'm thinking of doing a second survivor, this time having the cast from the FIRST and SECOND movies. If you think this is a good idea, TELL ME IN A REVIEW!