A/N: Chris, before the fateful actions he took against his sister…And after. R&R
Sitting, breathing, sleeping, eating…well, barely eating, anyway. That's all we ever do anymore. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of all of the nothing. Momma is trying hard, I know, she doesn't want us locked away in this attic. She wants us to be free. But that stupid old man won't die. He just won't. Why won't he die? Everything we do….well, we don't do anything at all. Cathy, she dances, I guess. I more than guess. She's beautiful when she dances. The twins keep each other entertained when they're bored. We try to keep busy, we try to find things to do, but that crazy old woman…The Grandmother, she just won't let us be. We have to be quieter, do everything right, we mustn't look at each other, we mustn't do anything. We mustn't be sinful. Well, Grandmother, last time I checked, sloth was a sin. We sit here all day, every day, and it's been so long..The twins don't even grow anymore. It breaks our hearts, Cathy and I, that they don't grow. We lie to them, tell them they grew just a little bit. But everything has just stopped, nothing is happening, it's like we're frozen in time.
Sometimes when I'm left to my own head, I start thinking things. Things I know I shouldn't think. But how can I distract myself when there's nothing to do? When there's no one else to talk to, or look at? She's all I see anyway. She and I still grow. She's becoming something else now. She looks almost like Momma, but…She's much prettier, really. She doesn't have Momma's lined face, or worn expression. A bit skinny, maybe, but how would I know? I don't remember what teenagers are supposed to look like, so maybe they all look like this, so skinny you can see their bones. It doesn't matter, because she is beautiful either way. I don't have anyone else to call beautiful, to think is beautiful. I don't have anything else to do but think about how beautiful she is. So what am I supposed to do? Everywhere I go, she's there. Because I can't go anywhere, and neither can she. Nothing, nothing, nothing but her.
We act like we're the twins parents. No, we are the twins parents. Cory and Carrie don't have any other parents. Momma…I know she tries. But she just can't take care of children she almost never sees. Cathy doesn't trust Momma anymore, she thinks Momma doesn't love us. But I can't believe that. If I believed that, how could I go on doing nothing? How could I continue sharing a room with that, always thinking about how beautiful…I just couldn't. So I needed to believe in Momma, that she was trying to help us. Because then I would know that being a father to the twins was worth it. And I would know that someday I might be able to think that someone else was beautiful, and I could stop being the devil's spawn. Because that was what I had become. That was what this all had reduced me to. Locked in a room to keep us from the devil, and I become it myself.
I'm getting so angry. I don't even know what to be angry about first. The Grandfather won't die, the wretched woman who gave birth to Momma is cold, hard, mean, and grey like steel. We do nothing day in and day out, we have nothing. We eat nothing, we make no noise. We're good, not devil's spawn. At least we weren't. And now, if we never escape this horrid place, it will be my fault. All because I had nothing to do and no one to look at but her. All because we lie around doing nothing all day. Cathy wants to make the Grandmother pay. I just want to escape this nightmare. I want the twins to see the sun, I want us to see the sun. I want everything for all four of us, and I want us to be with Momma to show Cathy that Momma had always loved us. I want to believe it myself, wholly. I can't lie to myself. There are doubts. But I think of how things were before all of this, before the car wreck, and I know it has to be true. Momma is fighting for us.
It's been so long. So long of doing nothing. I'm going to have to do something. These thoughts happen more often now, the thoughts about how beautiful she is, how well she is coming to be, how full she is becoming…I shouldn't be thinking these things. I know I shouldn't. And I've tried hard not to, I've tried to distract myself with the twins, and with helping everyone stay somewhat optimistic. That's what I do, I hold them all up. But how can I leave her be? I know I shouldn't want her. But I do. Because I have nothing else to want, nothing else to do. That Grandmother…she made it impossible for me to want anyone else. No, that can't be true. I have to want someone else, once we all get out of here. It's just because I've never seen anything else that I could want. Carrie is so small. So young. I couldn't possibly want her, now could I? My Lady Cath-er-ine, she was the only one here. All because we have nothing to do…
The Grandmother always wanted us to pray for our souls. So, I'm going to pray. What else can I do? There's nothing else. So I'll pray that when we get to where we're going, I'll want someone else, anyone else. It doesn't matter who. Just not the one who will pull me into sin, I couldn't drag her down to hell. How could I do that to her? But I needed her. She and I were all we had left. And Momma. But where was Momma now? What was she doing? None of us knew, not for a long time. She was off pretending we didn't exist, fighting for us silently. But she wasn't here, not really. So Cathy and I had each other, with nothing else to do. No one else to see.
I wondered if she thought about me the way I thought about her. Sometimes I wanted her so badly it hurt, because I had nothing else to do to ease my mind. Nothing to take my mind off the way she was so scantily dressed…I wish she'd pay more attention to that. She makes it so hard…with no way to distract yourself, how do you look away? But what if she thought the same way? What if we were all devil's spawn? Maybe we were. Who knew? Cory and Carrie didn't seem like it, but they were so young…Cathy and I weren't like that when we were the twins' age. Maybe when you got older, if you were going to be devil's spawn, that's when it happened. That's when it happened to me, at least. I prayed for Cory and Carrie then, hoping that they never became like I did. And I prayed that Cathy didn't think the way I did, even though I secretly wished she wanted me back. That wish just made me worse. How could I wish everlasting hell on her? How could I wish that she were devil's spawn, as the Grandmother so hatefully calls us, day in and day out?
Someday, sometime soon, something was going to happen. Something had to be done. We couldn't just keep doing nothing all day, it was tearing me apart. All these thoughts, all this anger…and nothing to do. Nothing to keep your mind of things, not even for an hour or two. All we could do was think and breathe and eat the tiny bits of food we were brought as dinner. No, we couldn't go on like this, not much longer. We'd hold out for a while, for Momma. But Cathy didn't even like Momma anymore, so how could I convince her to wait? Cathy didn't think Momma was trying. So Cathy wouldn't wait much longer, something was going to happen. If God had any mercy on a sinful soul, he'd have the old man downstairs die very, very soon. He'd lead us to our freedom. Even if I was sinful, Cory and Carrie, and probably Cathy, they didn't deserve this. They didn't deserve to be punished because I was a child of the devil, if they were not.
So, something happened. God in heaven forgive me. Forgive me for my horrible sins. I wish nothing had happened. I wish I could go back to nothing. Go back to having nothing better to do. Because now I'd done something, and, God, I wish I hadn't. She'll never forgive me. And all because I had nothing better to do, and no one else to look at.
A/N: Yeah, so, that was written on like half brain-power, but I still like it. I hope you guys do too. If you do, it's always kind to REVIEW.
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