You know what's fucked up?

So I'm sitting on the couch watching this weird show on, like, vegan Cuban cooking, right? And there's a bag of chips (I think they were Fritos) and I'm about to reach my hand in and grab a bunch, yeah?

And Raven's lounging on the other side of the couch reading, like, "Psyche: The Manipulative Guide" or some such shit, and Cyborg's chatting loudly in the kitchen to his girlfriend Sarah Simms, kay?

So basically, Raven is right there, and I'm about to make my move. I'm pretty suave now and I've gotten a hell of a lot more mature, and I'm pretty sure she was eyeing me during practice. She's got one eye peeking right over that damn book of hers, and I know it's watching me, so I play it cool, even though my heart's basically tap dancing in my chest.

I casually grab another couple chips (Fritos, right?) and I angle my head so that the sun is hitting it in just the right position so it defines my jawline and stuff. I ask her a question about her book, taking care not to sound like the annoying little brother. I flash a curious grin, even though I know exactly what it's about (looked it up on Wikipedia).

She lowers it, and does that funny thing where she almost smiles and does a cute little eyebrow raise.

And, get this: she answers my question!

Score! That's like, a total first!

And so now I've got her hooked and a little surprised, which is best according to the dating guide I got at the library. I lead the conversation; otherwise I know she'll drop it if I don't say anything.

Cyborg's winking at me from across the room, and I wink back, 'cause I know he knows what's going down. I casually ask her a couple more questions about her book and how she's doing and if she's meditated, and make some witty comments that cause the side of her mouth to sort of quirk.

Everything's going according to plan. So far, I'm doing perfectly, and Cyborg's monitoring from the side to make sure I don't screw up, and the T.V. volume has mysteriously gone down to a comfortably muffled murmur. She's staring straight at me, giving me her full attention, and she's got me caught in those solemn purple eyes again. I take a deep breath, and the room's spinning, and I'm pretty sure my eye is twitching because no one, even her teammates, has gotten this close to asking her out. I open my mouth, but before I can so much as say her name, the door to the common room hisses open and my leader tumbles out.

With his mouth fused to Starfire.

Looks like they're conjoined at certain body parts.

It's absolutely silent. Awkward silent.

"Shit!" I say under my breath, because every fricken' thing, every little visual cue has gone flying out of my head, and Raven is a little bit paler and looks like she's going to go into cardiac arrest as the couple draws closer to the couch. And then she disappears in a flash of black, conveniently leaving a couple-sized space.

Unfortunately, that whole ordeal has me sorta glued to the spot, and even my animal instincts can't save me now. Cyborg has vacated the room, and I'm trapped because the Robin-Starfire creature is now basically doing it against the couch, and Star's foot is shoved in my face so close that I swear I can taste the bits of Plasmus she has stuck in the crevices of her boot from a fight this morning.

So here I am. My best friend's abandoned me to banter and flirt with his girlfriend, my almost-significant-other is probably stabbing her eyes out with a fork, and I'm stuck on a couch with my two groping teammates.

That, my friend, is fucked up.


Poor Beast Boy. That really sucks, huh? I don't normally do Raven/Beastboy, but this sorta worked out. Is it Beast Boy or Beastboy? Seriously, with a name like that…