THOSE THAT LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES
She knows she's going to have to choose. Her father is going to tell the courts, the world, everybody that her boyfriend stuck a knife into a perfectly innocent boy's gut, and she is going to have to choose which of their sides to stand by.
It's not that she doesn't love her father. She's always loved her father, even if sometimes they were distant – she knows he's only ever wanted to best for her. She just can't trust him. She found that packet of white powder (although sometimes she thinks that was suspiciously badly hidden); she can't believe Logan would actually kill someone. She wants to believe in her father, but she just can't anymore and neither one of them is able to bring themselves to ask the questions.
However, she's not sure she believes Logan either. She doesn't think he was telling the truth about knowing who she was went they met at the carnival. Despite her naivety – which she admits – she's surprisingly good at telling when people are lying to her, but she's less good at acting on it. She feels he needs to do this – he's an innocent boy; he just doesn't want to go to jail – and he really doesn't want to hurt her. But he might have to, and she knows she's too stupid not to let him.
She tries to understand; to figure out what happened herself. She can't imagine her father cohorting with the Fitzpatricks; known murderers; to cover up a death and frame the most obvious suspect. But she'll never believe Logan actually killed that guy.
She has to choose one, and it's starting to get on her nerves.
She tried to learn more; to figure out who Felix Tombs actually was. Most people said 'that biker Echolls stabbed' or 'that biker people keep saying Logan stabbed', depending on their social class.
She tried asking the PCHers, who actually knew Felix, but they were no help. Their leader – Batter? Hitter? Thumper? Something like that – slapped her across the face, sneered and told her 'keep your pretty 09er face out of our business.' She had tried not to cry out of pain, but failed miserably. Then one of the other PCHers – Hector; she remembers his name clearly – punched Thumper squarely in the jaw and told him to fuck off and leave her alone.
Then he had sat down with her and told her what little her could: that Felix was an awesome guy, and Logan Echolls should pay for killing him. It wasn't at all what she wanted to hear (even if the paranoid part of her was wondering if it might be true), but she said thanks anyway.
She never told Logan about that day. If he's facing a manslaughter charge because he's been accused of killing a PCHer, actually killing their new leader probably wouldn't help his defense much. Thumper didn't even leave a bruise, so it was easy to forget out. She's still a little scared of him though.
She and Logan try not to talk about it. She doesn't really think there's anything to say. He might be using her, he might not; she really doesn't want to have to ask the question. So they do normal things; they watch movies, and walk on the beach hand in hand, they hang out at lunch and she feels so comfortable with her head just resting on his shoulder. But sometimes she sees this awful, terrifying darkness cloud over his eyes and she'd do anything to be able to take it away and make things better for him. But when she sees that, she can't say a word.
Her father doesn't talk about it to her either, and she's thankful. The only thing he ever said about it was when he told her he knew who Logan was, and that was all lies (probably). She doesn't think they can talk about it anymore; doesn't think he'll be able to meet her eyes and tell her he's done nothing wrong.
She doesn't think he father is a bad person when it comes down to it, and she thinks he's probably trying to protect her. Logan might just be desperate enough that she'll need the protecting, and she thinks she won't know what that line is and how to get away from it. Part of her doesn't even care, and that's just really scary.
She wonders what she will be. If Logan breaks her, if her father breaks her. Will she cry? Will she lash out? Will she cover it up with snark and world-weary shrugs, like Logan; only let that darkness cloud her eyes for a second?
Or maybe she will be like her father. In debt to these horrible people; alone and guilt-ridden.
She's going to have to choose between them, and she knows it. But she keeps pretending she won't. Keeps trying to believe she can reconcile the men she loves (and avoid ending up like them both).