Parody fic. Pokes fun at almost everything to do with the new Doctor, Amy and Rose. Not a nice fic for any of them. Although the Doctor and Amy does sex at the end just not with each other. Yes, this is Doctor/River and Amy/Rory fic.

When Rose Comes Back (Yet Again...)

It had taken her a lot of goes through the Dimension Cannon to get back to the right universe again (she had reached it at just the right time, since she knew that last jump through would roast Pete's World to dust, so thankfully no more being dumped back there again) and now that she was there, she was happy for the first time in Two Years (commonly known to her as a Lifetime separated from her One True and Awesome, Sparkling Good Love, the Doctor.)

So, it obviously came as a bit of a shock to her when she found him with another girl, younger than her now but not as young as when the Doctor fell Madly In Love with her. She smirked. Oh yeah, she already had one up on this puny little girl who dared be close to the Doctor.

The problem was that the Doctor was no longer Her Doctor. He'd gone and regenerated again. Hadn't she forbid him from ever doing that again? In fact, the only way she knew this young, ugly, monster of a man was the Doctor was watching him exit the TARDIS, which also seemed to have changed. How could that happen anyway, the TARDIS never changed for her.

Still, that would not deter her from her goal that was stealing the Doctor away from the girl (from her stalking she had learnt her name was Amy Pond, how common, wet and stinky was that?) and travelling on the TARDIS once again. Nothing else mattered to her. Ever. Hell, she'd burnt her whole family and the other Doctor just to get back. That's how dedicated she was to him. He hadn't even given her enough consideration to wait for her or to not change his face again.


Goal embedded in her mind, and trying to repeatedly ignore the way the new Doctor looked, she finally made her move after watching them for the grand total of five minutes. Such a bloody long time it was too.

She made a run, a jump and a tackle, taking Amy down to the concrete. The red head was a lot thinner than her, so it must have hurt, especially since it was obvious the only reason the Doctor was with her was for some lonely comfort sex. With a skirt that short, there was no way this Amy could be anything other than a prostitute slut.

"Prostitute slut! Stay away from the Doctor! He's mine!" she screeched, slapping at Amy with open hands, hoping she was close to killing the girl. She wished she had her Big Arse Gun with her. That'd do the trick. Unfortunately, it had been confiscated by an angry other Doctor soon after the real, proper Doctor had left her all alone.

Amy to her confusion was just a bit stronger than she thought and soon, Rose was on the ground, and Amy was up and dusting off her (sparse) clothing. The Doctor was blinking down at her with wide, blinky eyes that were the wrong eyes and they looked too weird and blinky for her tastes.

"Rose?! What are you doing here?" he asked, his voice warbling in and out of the right pitch, and it was clear that her introduction had surprised him. She looked to one of his shoulders, unable to look at his weird face any longer than necessary and grinned one of her winning Rose Tyler Smiles. She left out the tongue though. Wrong Doctor for that.

"Look at you...what happened to make you regenerate into some ugly looking guy?"

He looked slightly down at her words, but couldn't blame him. If she was that ugly, she'd be disappointed with having people not wanting to ogle her too. "No, really, Rose, what are you doing here? You were meant to live your life in wedded bliss with the other me. What happened?"

She stomped her foot on the ground, angrily crossed her arms in front of her chest and pouted as prettily (and only she could ever pass that off, since she was the Sexiest Woman in the Universe) as possible. "I was meant to be with you! Forever! Only you. Well, the other you obviously. This one's no good for me. Why'd you go regenerate for, I told you not to."

Amy snorted behind her and she whirled to face the Prostitute Slut. "What?" she screeched, holding up her hands, ready to give the Slutty Scot another slapping of epic proportions.

Amy shrugged, and looked away from her to where the Doctor was standing, a wacky smile on her face that made her look deranged and then she said it. "This one's a bit entitled isn't she, Doctor? How'd you put up with her for so long?"

"With practice, Amy. With lots...and lots of practice. I'm sorry, Rose. But I left you with the other me for reasons that you weren't meant to know. I know, it was completely unfair on him, but we decided before dropping you off it was the best thing all round. I guess I should send you back again..."

Nodding, Rose grinned widely at him again and announced with the triumph of someone who really didn't care, or even thought anything other than what she wants matters, "Can't go back. That world couldn't have lasted after my last trip through the Dimension Cannon. It was close to blowing, and Pete kept on telling me over and over before my last trip that one more trip would do it, but I had to do it. That world's gone now, including my mum and the pet dildo you gave me. Nothing to hold me back now."

His freaky eyebrows, of which she wasn't sure if they were even there or not to begin with, rose up and he spluttered. "Right, let me get this straight. You started operating a machine that punctures holes between dimensions again, even though you knew what it would do. You killed an entire universe because of it, and you're happy?"

She shrugged and nodded. "Yep. Can't take me back there now, can you Doctor?" She held up a finger, pointed it at him and said, with a proper tongue out grin this time. "You're stuck with me, hah!"

He looked at her closely, grinned grimly back at her and nodded. "Well, Amy, please take this into consideration for what happens if you become too obsessed with me and my way of life..." he said. Rose had no idea what he meant by that, but when he took her hand (his was all oily and disgusting, but she decided she better start getting used to Mr. Uglyface) and led her to the TARDIS, life seemed to be going directly on the right track again. The Doctor and Rose Tyler, in the TARDIS, forever. Like it should be.

She was led to her room, which she happily saw hadn't changed at all since last time she was on board and she let herself fall on her bed with a puff of dust and a happy cough.

She fell asleep, having been exhausted from her minutes of stalking outside earlier. She didn't hear the door close behind her or the finality of a click as a lock that hadn't been there two seconds ago snapped into place.

When she woke and found herself unable to get out, she panicked.

Luckily, the Doctor decided she wasn't a complete leper and talked to her. She cried herself into a corner when he told her why she'd be staying in her room until she died of old age (a cat flap had been installed to push food and water through.) He also told her that he'd planned to do this to some other person. A guy that had the even weirder name of the Master. He also didn't think her tears were real at all! (They weren't, but still...)

She decided all too easily, that it was all Miss Prostitute Slut, Amy Pond's fault. She had taken her rightful place at the Doctor's side. Even her precious, her TARDIS key, which always had a place near her heart (slung about her neck on a piece of cheap string) didn't work on this lock. Knowing she'd have to just try again, she got out her dimension hopper and pushed the button.

No one saw Rose Tyler ever again...

"So, Doctor? Just who was Rose Tyler?" asked Amy (so very much NOT a prostitute or slut, thank you very much. She was a kissogram, totally different kettle of fish. She just liked it for the dressing up, she didn't dress down.)

"Oh," the Doctor said, as he started operating the TARDIS towards another call from his sweetie, River Song. This one was a sex call, not a distress call. Amy had soon learnt the difference between the two. "Just someone I once knew. She thought I loved her, poor girl. She wouldn't listen to reason. The only way I could stay safe was to go along with her delusions. She made life unbearable, otherwise."

Amy nodded and smirked a little. "So, think we'll ever see her again? She disappeared out of her room, after all."

The Doctor grimaced and shook his head. Amy knew what that meant. She'd seen that type of look just after another person the Doctor picked up had been accidentally sucked out of an airlock. He had been Mr Grumpyface for quite a few days afterwards.

"So, want to go see Rory for a bit then?" he asked. She nodded. She'd be able to have her own sex call then. The Doctor was nothing other than polite when it came to all things to do with the sexual act. He always let her go to Rory while he was with River getting some action (or dancing as he called it) of his own.

Still, as they waited for the TARDIS to land after the slight course change, she couldn't help but think of the fake blonde Rose Tyler (all she could think of was how thorny she had been.) She had taken her lesson well. If stuck in an alternate dimension, either by mistake or on purpose, she'd stay there and live a happy life. She wasn't about to kill people over the Doctor. And she sure as hell wouldn't try to endanger a whole universe. Universes were too beautiful to destroy like that.

Amy concluded that when the other girl was travelling with the Doctor, Rose hadn't learnt a single thing.