Uzumaki Naruto has always wondered why he never got a girl to stay. Maybe because he fails to realize that he has all the possessive bastardly murderous bishonen fan boys kicking them away?
A/N: SUPPOSED to be a short drabble but it got too long and developed a life of it's own, nearly killing me for cutting it off.
DO NOT EXPECT HUMOR. I don't honestly think it's even funny…
Oh, and add me at otakuzone by the way. It's ellykaranagi, or something like that. C'mon, please please please please? I need someone to piss off once in a while ^^.
"So… Who Actually Got Played?"
LIVING ROOM COUCH, THE GREAT SHALLOW DEPRESSION
…really can't guess, can you? And I thought you were smart.
Uzumaki Naruto sighed for the umpteenth time that month.
"Now what did I do this time!?"
Another girl, another break up. Seriously, can't they last longer to at least exchange numbers?
"Cheer up Naruto-kun. You can go gay anytime you want and we'll support you." Sai, his fellow dorm occupant, smiled from beside him on the couch, making Naruto sigh again.
"Gee, thanks Sai. I appreciate the thought but I can't seem to grasp the reason for your congratulatory tone like I just got married." Yes, after being 'friends' with bastards such as Sasuke, Naruto had learnt at least a little bit of sarcasm.
…fuck sarcasm, Naruto bitterly thought as he kicked Sai off his seat. Maybe violence would do him some good.
"Stop pouting dobe, it's not like you'll get impotent or something." –speaking of the bastard, there he was, smirking happily beside him for reasons Naruto could not comprehend.
"You uncompassionate Uchiha! I just got my heart broken and all you say is this? I- I… I loved her duck-butt! W-w-w-with all my heart, through those tough yet happy years we've been together- I really loved her!" Naruto sniffed dramatically as he clutched his chest for all that he was worth; to which Sasuke replied with a snort and a blunt reminder that they had just met and started dating yesterday.
…so he kicked another pale bastard off the holy couch of broken-heartedness.
"You violent dobe!"
"Calm down Naruto. I'm sure she must've had her reasons… At least it was clear that you were too good for her- before everything got serious between the both of you."
Naruto smiled gratefully at the pale, gentle Hyuuga who settled himself on the previous space Sai had been occupying moments ago. "Thanks, Neji. That means a lot."
Neji smiled wider at the positive effect his talk had given, so he continued- which, in a sense, he shouldn't have done at all.
"…Yes! I'm sure she must've had a good reason for thinking you were a gay faggot who liked *bleeps* and *bleeping* with *bleeps* and also *bleeps*, She had no idea tha-"
Before he could stab the final words at the poor Uzumaki's manly pride, Naruto had already hugged the couch, releasing a rather salty and snotty waterfall on the mattress. Gaara was the one to kick the third pale and insensitive man off this time.
"Don't cry Naruto. You're a gentle, handsome, and cheerful guy. You'll get a partner soon enough." crooned the ever stone-faced redhead as he patted the shivering blonde mop of hair.
"Buh aw ummff eff if… *sniff*… waff fiff aw oo wowwngg???" Naruto moaned incoherently into the now squishy wet sofa.
Sasuke surprisingly decoded this garble of whimpers in a heartbeat, "You did nothing wrong dobe. Stop blaming your stupid self. She was just a slut who didn't like decent- although rather dense- ukee-e-ehem- I mean men."
Three pair of eyes glared at him secretly in unison while the blonde remained oblivious to this little slip.
Naruto sobbed to himself and looked up at his dorm mates. Who was he kidding? Crying over spilt ramen would do him no good. And the fact that his friends were trying to comfort him even in their own bastardly tactless, awkward ways made him regret ever being sad at all. They really were good friends.
"Thanks guys. You're the best!" He flashed his super mega-watt grin, feeling refreshed and lively that even the Uchiha couldn't resist cracking a small smile.
"That's the spirit Naruto-kun!" Sai butted in.
"Since I'm happy again, I'll order some ramen!" He turned away to grab the phone, ignoring the four hapless groans that followed him. For one cheesy moment in his life, Naruto paused and turned back to them, all four sprawled on the carpet, giving a small genuine smile, "Really, thanks. You're always supporting my dates."
Then he remembered the probably burning chicken he tried to fry for his ex-girlfriend before she came and left with a farewell slap.
And in a flurry of blue, orange and yellow, he was gone; not noticing the guilty looks his four roommates shot at his back.
THE DINING ROOM ANNOUNCEMENT, TASTY BACON TOO
…I actually pity the poor female. Well, you gotta do what you gotta do.
Sai, Sasuke, Gaara and Neji covered their ears simultaneously at the joyful scream. A moment later, a disheveled Naruto had barged into the dining room where everyone was currently having toast, bacon and coffee for breakfast, all sporting aggravated expressions at what they knew was coming.
"She said yes! She said yes! She said yes! Guys, she said yes!"
"Yes, and honestly, I couldn't care any less."
Sai perked up at the conversation. "Cool, is it rhyme day today?"
Naruto pouted at the moody Uchiha and ignored Sai altogether, "Well, putting aside your emo-ness… Sakura-chan said yes! To me! As in she actually said yes to dinner today with me!"
"What!? You just knew her name yesterday, just right after your break up with the Chinese slutty thing and now she's gonna leech of the food?"
Naruto stuck his tongue out at Sasuke and crossed his arms around his chest. "And I care because…?"
Everyone in the room held their breath and fought off the urge to bite that tongue in entirely pleasurable ways.
"Whatever, just make sure you don't come singing 'Heartbreaker' afterwards when you haven't even dated for at least twenty-four hours at max," and before I murder her at least. Sasuke cut off his words, refusing to let jealousy get the better of him and he decided to dwell on torture techniques instead.
"Uhm, at what time are you going to meet up, Naruto?" Neji asked timidly.
"Around twelve, I guess?" Naruto grinned at the ever supportive Neji.
"…and where?" Gaara inquired, lifting a cup to his lips to hide the evil smile he knew he would be sporting when he heard the very predictable location.
"Here of course! Best place ever!" The blonde exclaimed joyfully. One thing he loved about his roommates? They allowed and even helped him prepare for his dates! The students at campus would spaz if they heard that four of the most elite, classy and cold school heartthrobs helped him every now and then for common reasons such as dates. Well, neither would Naruto, if he actually knew just why they helped him.
"So? What do you guys say?" he asked for politeness sake.
"Hn. Fine, whatever."
"Oh, why not?"
"Of course, Naruto."
Naruto beamed like the sun and sped up to his room muttering preparations and screaming out requests to borrow shirts and cologne.
Again though, he failed to realize the identical evil smirks the four pale boys wore at the dining table. Or the fact that Sai had just called him dickless.
"Thirty female attempts crushed; one incoming." Gaara whispered creepily with his famous trademark creepiness and they all chuckled evilly for old times sake.
The bacon shivered.
PINK THING™ BASHING TIME
…witty name, I must say.
For the latter part of the morning, Umino Sakura had been giddy before she came to the reverse-harem apartment of his new boyfriend. Images of love triangles with her in the middle made her giggle to herself out of the blue. She got out of her reverie, noticing a small part of her scalp burning when she forgot to take the hair iron off.
But that didn't dampen her mood at all, of course. The smartest, richest, most handsome and most talented guys all in one room- seriously, who cared about a little burnt scalp!?
She continued to hum to herself as she got dressed, further plans forming in her mind. Yeah, well Naruto-kun was gorgeous, but damn, Uchiha Sasuke was… THE Uchiha Sasuke! Enough said. And, well, if things didn't go as planned there were always other options. Talk about jackpot, it was the best decision ever to have the date in his dorm! And she definitely had no plans on just settling with Uzumaki Naruto. Sakura tossed her pink hair to her shoulder and giggled again, not noticing the front door barring her way and in all her luck, slammed her forehead on the wooden obstruction.
Which, again, did little to make her depressed for long as she continued on her merry way.
"Sakura-chan!" Naruto greeted jubilantly at the girl on his doorsteps, "Come in!"
Gaara almost grabbed a knife from the cupboard, seeing the girl called Sake…no, Kagura- er, whatever- after seeing the girl boldly reach up to peck Naruto on the lips. Sasuke already had a knife in hand when the pink tuft of thing she called hair flashed in his black/white loving eyes. Neji chose the smart decision of prying the sharp object away from Sasuke before he could throw it at her eyeballs. For now, Sai was keeping up a good job in pretending to be normal.
Sakura stepped in with her inner consciousness doing a victory dance at the sight of five drool-worthy Greek gods, fully unaware of the murderous aura stalking her. She was still stuck in her fantasy that every boy was straight and after her pink hair.
"Hello, Naruto-kun. I'm really glad you invited me here today!" She said, following the statement with a demure giggle she thought to be cute. When she saw every pair of eyes in the room looking at her, she thought gleefully, 'Gosh, am I really that pretty?'
In all actuality, Sasuke had thought with a twitch in his left eye, 'Slut.'
Neji's consciousness screamed, 'Slut.'
Gaara's mind muttered murderously, 'Slut.'
And Sai, being Sai, pointed at Sakura all the while smiling innocently before announcing to the world, "Slut!"
Sakura's eye widened incredulously, Naruto panicked with jumbled explanations that Sai was a bit wrong in the head and every one else would've laughed if they weren't so hell bent on tearing the flashing pink hair from her head.
"Um, sorry Sakura- I, well, uh… Seriously, he says that to every girl he finds attractive!" Naruto reasoned out. Sasuke silently scoffed at the vanity- not to mention stupidity- of this pink thing when she immediately bought the lie.
"Oh, well, thank you Sai-kun." She blushed. 'Oh my, Sakura you naughty girl!' She cheered inwardly at the prospect of one roommate already falling for her… er, charms.
Sai furrowed his eyebrows and pouted, genuinely confused. "No, actually, I think you're really ugl-" And it was Neji who covered his mouth before he said anything else. Sai sighed and thought, 'It sucks being truthful.'
"Let's go Sakura-chan, I've got the food ready!" Naruto hastily led her to the dining table, now covered with delectable food that fit a posh buffet and left the other four to head wherever they wanted.
"Oh CRAP!" The blonde suddenly screamed when they sat down. "Where's the ramen!?"
Sakura put a hand on his suddenly stiff shoulders, "Seriously, Naruto-kun you don't need to-" Naruto ignored her and rushed back to the living room, only to find Sai watching SpongeBob all by himself, and for some reason, he was diligently taking notes on a little notepad at the cartoon's conversations with pure concentration.
"THERE'S NO RAMEN!" Naruto screamed in a frenzy that made the opera actors bow in shame.
It was then that Neji decided to poke his head out from his room, "Oh, I guess we forgot. Sorry, Naruto-kun."
"You forgot Ramen?" Naruto sobbed in disbelief.
A light bulb suddenly popped on Sakura's head.
"Naruto-kun, why don't you buy some?"
Naruto spun around to face her, "Really?"
She smiled, the perfect plan clear in her mind. "Yes, I love ramen. It would be a waste, you know." Get Naruto to leave, and then flirt freely with rest of the gorgeous boys in this room!
"Thank you, Sakura-chan, you're so understanding!" Without being told twice, Naruto was out the door in seconds.
And Sakura chuckled evilly to herself, oblivious to the four cackles that laughed along with her.
"Hello there, Neji-kun… Nice weather, isn't it?" Sakura said as she came in to the balcony, placing herself a short distance away from the Hyuuga who was staring calmly at the scene before him.
"Yes, very favorable." Neji smiled in return.
'Ooooh, damn he's definitely hot in bed!' inner Sakura squealed at the sexy voice that greeted her.
Egged on by this thought, Sakura went for the dramatic-insecure-damsel act and sighed theatrically.
"You know Neji-kun, I-I… I don't think I'm good enough for Naruto."
Neji turned to face her with a frown and, thinking that she's got his sympathy, added extra sobbing effects and continued with her sob story, "I mean, look at me, just a plain girl when he's this handsome and cheerful guy… I really can't help but feel insecure."
Ha, he fell for it! Sakura prepared herself for the praises and comforting reassurances- to which she would reply gratefully, and from that point on igniting a little spark and love and-
"…you really don't know how dead right you are on that fact."
Sakura's jaw fell and her mouth flopped open like a fish in shock.
"I mean, look at you-" Neji scoffed, "You look like a hooker when our little Naruto looks like an angel, right?" The pale-eyed man walked a short distance away while eyeing her up and down, shaking his head slightly and tsking every now and then.
"Look at your clothes. Obviously from a cheap store no one would even care about. And that cleavage line that shows your baby fist-sized 'assets'? Puh-leaze." He put his hands on his hips and jutted his lips out, "And your make-up looks like the one that clown from the movie 'Saw' wears. It barely even shows your face. And those shoes! Talk about fashion victim. Urgh."
The color was practically draining away from her face that she came close to an albino's paleness. Neji 's rant went on and on.
"Oh. My. Gawd. Please, just please, do NOT get me started on that hair. I'd rather stare at hippos on the process of intercourse! Gosh, it burnnnz the eyes!"
Sakura's brain failed to register the insult, her mind completely blank at the fact that the popular, supposedly manly Neji Hyuuga was a gazillion times more bitchy than any bitch she'd ever heard before.
"Sooo, yeah. Fix your fashion sense, okay, sweetie? Your face too, if you know what's good for you. I know a great plastic surgeon from my Dad's company. Contact me if you want."
And with that, he waved and walked out of the scene, not really caring about the pink thing who was on the verge of throwing herself down the balcony.
Sakura refused to give up, and with whorish courage, she decided to try her charisma on Sabaku No Gaara instead. Opening the door to Gaara's room to subtly invite him for food and ask for company, she froze halfway.
And blinked again.
And blinked some more.
The image of the redhead watching S&M gay porn wouldn't go away.
Just when she was about to silently slip away to prevent further trauma, Gaara spoke in his usual murderously threatening voice.
"Hello Umino-san. Where's Naruto-kun?"
For all she can tell, that could've been a hidden statement and if cleverly decoded, said 'Just try and say one wrong word and I'll slit your throat down to your stomach.'
Gaara gave a timid nod without even bothering to look at her and Sakura slipped the door close with trembling hands.
Umino Sakura will not be undeterred. This time she would aim for the guy who has shown at least a little bit of interest in her.
"Hello Sai-kun!" she cheerfully greeted him and gave her sweetest smile.
"Hello ugly!" Sai greeted back as cheerfully, his eyes not leaving the TV screen.
"Why thank y- Excuse me? Can you repeat that!?"
Sai looked at her and blinked innocently, wondering why his greeting caused such a reaction so he said it again as requested.
Sakura's face turned red in embarrassment and frustrated fury.
"Y –You must be gay too, right!?" She pointed a trembling accusatory finger at the pale boy Indian-seated on the carpet.
Sai's creepy unnerving smile widened.
"I'll tell you my secret if you tell me yours!"
Sai smiled and gave her a look that plainly said, 'Well, duh.' "You know. That one about you having sex change?"
Sakura gasped in mortification, "Why you-"
"Oh, am I wrong? Um… wait, wait!" he unceremoniously cut Sakura off, raising a pale hand in the air and opting to wear a pensive look. "Maybe… An alien invader!" He clapped cheerfully and Sakura's eye twitched much like Sasuke's had.
"Oh no, wait, was I wrong?" Sai pouted and gave her an authentically sad look.
"No you shitty weirdo, I'm fan-fucking-tastic Patrick star!" the pink headed girl spit out bitterly and seethed with all her might.
Her expression crumpled in a mix of disbelief, anger and horror when Sai's eyes rounded and sparkled with absolute reverence.
Sai scratched his head as he watched Sakura stomp off crossly. The other three eavesdropped and envied Sai for pissing people off just by being himself.
"So, Sasuke-kun… um, what are you doing?" Sakura tried to sound seductive to the Uchiha as much as possible after finding him alone in the kitchen, chopping tomatoes.
Sakura thought Sasuke must've had a lot on his mind, being a smart man, so she repeated the question, this time with a little more wannabe cute pitch.
"Hi, Sasuke-kun! Naruto just went out for a while to buy ramen… Can I ask what you're doing?" She mentioned the fact that Naruto was gone with a little more emphasis.
"Chopping tomatoes, imagining it's your head."
She blinked, dumbstruck, trying to convince herself that it was all in her imagination.
"O-oh, uh, so… you like tomatoes then?"
Sasuke had turned to faced her in a whiplash, holding the knife casually as it glinted against his pale face.
"Listen, pink thing. I'm gay," Sasuke murmured coldly with a snarl, "And I'll definitely stab your brains out and make you eat them if you don't stay away from my Naruto right now."
Sakura ran for her life.
Trust one Uchiha Sasuke to be as blunt as a shotgun.
"I've got the rameeeeeennnn!!!!" Naruto announced gleefully from the doorway- before he caught sight of the dining room and noticed one particular person missing from the scene.
"Hey, where's Sakura-chan?"
The five boys feasting on the table shrugged nonchalantly and continued eating.
"Maybe she didn't like the chicken?" Sai offered helpfully at Naruto's confused frown.
LIVING ROOM, THE COUCH DRAMA ONCE AGAIN
…and I finally get what I was aiming for.
Uzumaki Naruto sighed for the umpteenth time that month.
"Now what did I do this time!?"
"Cheer up Na-…"
Naruto glared and Sai got the unspoken message.
The blonde started to sob, "I-I-I really loved Sakura-chan, I really felt like she was really my soul mate and what really really hurt me was-"
"Damnit, you BAKA."
And for all that he was worth, Uchiha Sasuke had finally snapped and pinned Uzumaki Naruto down with a kiss.
"Aw damn." Neji complained.
"I'll kick your ass later with my broken heart, Uchiha." Gaara grumbled silently in a corner.
"Ooooh! I get it!" Sai cheered with genuine excitement, obviously not even aware of his own desire for the blonde, "You don't have a dick so you need someone else's dick to do the jo-"
Naruto kicked Sai away from the couch and pulled one surprised Uchiha for a deeper kiss that none of the other four occupants knew he had plotted to get for so long.
Two weeks later, Sakura came back to their doorstep with a wide grin, armed with a video cam and a frilly notebook labeled 'diary'.
"So who did Naruto-kun end up with?"
A fully converted fan girl.
A/N: Mwahahaha, SasuNaru prevails! So yeah, it was actually Naruto who spoke the subs on the titles for every scene. Gomen to the Sakura lovers out there! It's just a fic… I have no grudge on her, I swear.
…uh, yeah, kind of a lame so-called drabble- your fault for reading it- Ha! ;P
Ooooh, I nearly forgot. Here's the new fic I'm working on:
"Because I Can See Myself In Your Pants"
On Sasuke's voluntary return to Konoha, Naruto had already expected awkwardness, anger, nostalgia and everything that could only be suitable for such emo-like reunions. But really, where does a stone-faced Uchiha spouting traumatizing perverted pick-up lines to him fit into all of this? Well, when it's Sasuke and Naruto- not to mention one meddling Sai and the rest of Konoha trying to glue them together- you really can't commit the mistake of expecting anything less.
CONTAINS: Angst (which can very well be considered crack if you're as high on cherry kid vitamins like me) and (a pathetic and perverse attempt at) Humor.