Words cannot express how sorry I am for not finishing this for you guys. I love you all and intend to give you the emotional-closure which you all deserve after a year of waiting. Thank you, and enjoy.
No matter how hard I try, I can't let myself love him.
He's sitting there, same as before, looking forlorn and lost, but I know he can't possibly love me the way I love him. He can't possibly think of me as much as I think about him. He cannot fathom how deep my love for him flows within me. He'll always be Eddy, ignorant and oblivious the world around him.
But, if he's really just Eddy, why does it look like he's about to cry?
Eddy doesn't cry. Eddy doesn't show any sort of emotion other than anger and boredom, so why are his yes welling up and why is he grabbing the edges of the couch like he's trying to stay floating in a sea of sorrow.
For some reason, my calculations don't add up. I know how everything works. I've worked out the formula for Eddy's behavior in my head a thousand times, but this sudden development, this twist in my equation, it's unsettling.
I feel the urge to reach out and hold his hands which are clutching the upholstery in such a way I mindlessly worry about what mother will think about the stretched fabric on her cushions. His lip is quivering. Surely he'll stop himself before those pools in his eyes overflow...
He doesn't. The small drops slowly descend from his eyes and the effort of holding them back is released. The cushion relaxes and the threads pop back in the place like the inner turmoil inside Eddy had never happened.
I cave in to my urges and lay my smaller, pale hands atop his larger, tanned ones. I take a moment to feel the coarseness of his fingers and the dramatic height of his knuckles and revel in their closeness to my palm. I've always wanted to hold Eddy's hand...
A tear lands on the back side of my hand. Then another. The moisture surprises me, but I don't lift my hands. I know these are not Eddy's tears, but my own. I am also mourning in the feeling of love lost. I have also been punched in the chest by the fist of disappointment.
I wanted him to hold me. To move his hands from under mine, cup my face, and kiss me tenderly.
But the equation always solves the same way; unfeeling, angry. No matter what, or who, the 'x' is.
I dare not look up. I know his face is there and I know he's waiting for me to look up and he wants to say something, but I don't give him the satisfaction of seeing my cry. I know his crying was to make me cry and now he can laugh and point and say, "Ha ha, Double D! You totally fell for it!"
I'm drowning. And there's no one in sight.
I feel him sit back away from me, and his hands slip out from under mine. I tense. In a few moments he's going to leave. I'll hear his feet slowly pad across the floor, his shoes quietly come on, and then the inevitable slamming of the door. I prayed he'd leave quickly and I can return to my misery and solitude.
I feel the couch leave from under me.
Two arms encircle me, one arm around my shoulders and the other under my legs. Princess style I believe it's called. My head snapped up and I saw Eddy, face dry, cocky smile on his face. I knew it. The formula is always precise.
"You're not even going to let me show you?" Eddy laughed. Show me what? I stared at him in disbelief, not trustng my voice enough to speak. "Show you..." Eddy hesitated, "How much I love you, Edd."
I felt my body go stiff. What does he mean show you? And why is his voice coming out sweet and sensual? My whole self goes hot. Suddenly I wish I had completed that mind-reading device.
He carries me down the hall. He knows which room is mine and heads right toward it, opening the door with two fingers and closing the door with his foot. My heart beat races the closer we get to my bed. Why is something so farmiliar so terrifying now?
"Double D," Eddy begins, resting me on the bed, "I know how you must feel, but please..." Eddy's so uncharacteristic. Where's that formula? I must have lost it in my files... "Give me a chance. I want to do this... For you. For us."
He crawls on top of me, straddling me, propping himself up with his arms, his face so close to mine I can feel his breath. I will him to never move.
I close my eyes and breathe him in. I don't want to fight it. I want him to love me. I want to love him back. I want him to hug me. To kiss me.
I feel his lips on mine, gentle, trying. He doesn't want to scare me, but he can't hold himself back any more. I know what he wants. And he knows I want it too. I don't care if he hurts me, I just want him the way he wanted that girl...
Our clothes come off awkwardly and slowly. We're both unsure, scared and excited. His kisses become fervent and wanting, they are no longer focused on my mouth but travel down my neck, chest, stomach and end to suck deliciously on my hip bone. I feel his tongue dart in and out of his mouth, leaving trembling sensations up my body. The wet trail up my body becomes cold and gives me lingering goosebumps. Is this how she felt?
Everything moves so fast, but the time moves so slow. My hands feel as much of Eddy as I can, I want to take in a mental file before this all dissipates and I'm left alone. Give me something to remember, Eddy. Let me take you in.
His movements were sure, and I felt him take me in his mouth. I moaned in spite of myself, I didn't want to give anything away. I didn't want to fall deeper in to his trap he's setting for me. I don't want disappointment. But it felt fantastic.
He pushed my hips down as I involuntarily thrusted in to his mouth. He took control. My eye sight was fuzzy, my head was swimming, I wasn't sure what else to do but grab the sheets and cry out, wanting for release.
It came all too soon, sooner than either of us expected. I wanted to wait, to try and stop myself, let him know I was still in control of his ruse, but I couldn't. I wanted it more than he knew.
He sat back now and moved closer, his toned body loomed over me. I felt embarrassed and quickly hid myself under his gaze- pulled my hat down over my eyes, used my eyeblows and scrawny limbs to cover myself.
"Don't Edd." Eddy said, gently moving my arms and legs, "You're beautiful." His hand reached for my hat... I didn't move. I let him lift my shield. My protective barrier- gone. If he hurt me now, I'd be defenseless... But I suddenly didn't care. I just wanted him to love me, even just for this short time, and I wanted him to see me, all of me.
He positioned himself and soothed me until I relaxed. He coated himself and I tried not to stare at his impressive size and I tried not to think of the pain, but it was red hot and lingering. He went slow, but it didn't help. I squirmed and cried out until he hugged me, held me close and whispered, "I'm in."
I let myself feel him, feel every bit of him as he went in and out at a paced speed. I spread my fingers out like a fan and moved up and down his arms, his back, his chest, his face. I smoothed his hair with my palm and ran my knuckle down his cheek. I brushed the sweat off of his brow and kissed the corners of his mouth.
I love Eddy. With all my heart.
My thought pattern was interrupted with a mind numbing sensation. My stomach flipped and I felt my body shiver.
He chuckled, "Want me to do it again?" I whimpered and nodded. He did it again.
I forgot where I was.
He went fast now, pumping in and out, I felt myself come to a tipping point yet again. I wanted him to go faster, harder, I wanted him to kiss me, so I grabbed his head and crushed his lips on to mine.
Nothing would separate us. Right here and now is all that matters. I don't care what he says, I'll never let him go. I won't let him walk away from me. This feels so right, I can't remember why I thought it was wrong.
Eddy's formula, Eddy's equation; it equals me.
I felt his body tremble and convulse, and then he released. I didn't let him go. I felt the lingering sensation of him connected with me and I wanted it to stay forever. I hugged him tightly. He was mine.
Eddy's hand wrapped around me, I had forgotten about my own need. He went to work. I moaned in to his neck and wiggled my hips around in his hand. He was still inside me. I willed him to never leave.
I began to kiss his neck. No one could ever have him. I'll mark him so everyone knows. He whispered my name.
I whispered back, "Eddy-" And came in to his hand.
Eddy spent the next few weeks coming over my house frequently, almost ever visit ending the same way- naked and messy. He proclaimed his love for me constantly, and I greedily drank in his affections.
And even though he would never tell me these things out side the privacy of my own house, I'm sure to leave my mark on him so no matter where he goes, everyone knows he's mine.
Eddy. My best friend. The boy I love. And the boy who loves me.
((May you all find love some day. Love, Misokat.))