"Nothing is Sacred, Anymore!"
Description: Once upon some time, there was a kingdom ruled by Queen Chizuru, who was in love with the fair maiden Orihime, who was straight. Unfortunately, hilarity would ensue in the worst ways possible...
Warning: This fanfic crosses every sexual line that I could think of, without writing of the actual acts of lemon or lime. Please do not read if you would be offended; please do not flame; please do not come crying to me.
After this, there is no way that I will ever own any rights to Bleach, its poor defenseless characters, or any merchandising rights whatsoever.
Ch. I, "Someday, My Prince Will Come."
Once upon some time, in a very alternate universe from Bleach by Tite Kubo, there was a kingdom ruled by Queen Chizuru. Now, Queen Chizuru was a lesbian, but as the only child, a daughter, of the previous king, she had to marry a man. And yet, she was in love with the fair maiden Inoue Orihime.
Queen Chizuru spent hours trying to figure out how to make her love "with" Orihime possible, and yet retain her throne. She had to balance her love with her goals of every woman's "free right to love," after all. Which in itself was not a bad thing, but Chizuru also hated men to the ends of the Earth, and because of some bad sauerkraut she had eaten as a baby, was evil. The author of this fic also wanted to make this fic as f***ed up as she (un)reasonably could. She also hadn't stopped to consider the possibility that Orihime was straight.
And, because of the pairing that the all-knowing author ordained for this fic, Orihime was indeed straight. And soon to be in love, starting that seemingly harmless night.
Ye olden karaoke bar, Seireitei, was always a fun place to be. It was decorated in traditional Japanese décor, and someone was almost always singing J-pop. Unless you played the Random Dare hour, where you would go up and have to sing a—Blech—American song. Most likely from Disney, because the one who compiled yea disgustingness was supposedly a little girl with pink hair.
Which was true, as Orihime knew. She was very good friends with Yachiru-chan, and had the knocks on her head to prove it. Which was one of the reasons why she spent so much time there. The other was that her best friend, a Knight named Tatsuki, was amazing during the Break Dance Face-off.
That night, they had been doing the usual thing, which had included Tatsuki winning the BDFO, crazy dancing, and a very scary rendering of "I Kissed a Girl" on the part of their lesbian "friend" Chizuru. Afterwards, she had tried to kiss Orihime, and Tatsuki had smacked her into a wall. Thankfully for Chizuru, her false glasses had remained intact. If she were to be found out, she could never see her beautiful princess ever again!
"Y'know hoo yew leuk lake?" some drunkie had asked her.
"No, I don't!" Chizuru had promptly run off. For a beautiful moment. For it was at that moment that Orihime had looked toward the main door and seen four guys about her own age walking in. One of them in particular had caught her eye, because of his funny face. And hair like her own. Not style-wise, because for some reason everyone complimented her long, beautiful hair and "snow-white" skin (Tatsuki said it was to avoid the subject of her humongous breasts), and his was short and pretty messy. But it suited him, and—
"Give it up for our next Random Daredevil, Orihime-chan!" Rangiku called from onstage. The guy working the on-stage TVs, a guy named Gin, flashed her picture.
"AAH!?" Orihime hadn't been paying attention at all!
"Go for it!" Tatsuki told her, shoving her forward. Always self-consciously, Orihime made her way up the steps to the stage, trying not to trip, and this time looking for someone. They had already moved, darn it—and she tripped. "You okay?!"
"I'm fine, I'm fine, this happens every time!" Orihime beamed. She then took the mike from a smiling but concerned Rangiku, and waited for her song. The title and artist flashed onscreen:
"Someday My Prince Will Come"
Orihime gulped. That-that was not funny given her sudden predicament! Her heart fluttered in her chest as the music started, and she took a deep breath before starting. Maybe they'd changed their minds and left. Maybe a trap door had swallowed them. Maybe Mayuri-san had turned them into frogs, which led to hilarious complications in her head even as she sang. And looked down, and saw four certain young men watching her, front row, right next to Tatsuki-chan!?
Almost panicking, Orihime forced herself to look at the TV. Why were they there, why?!
She didn't know that they were there because of her. The brunette Keigo had seen her picture and run off, shouting, "Booby Goddess!" The orangehead Ichigo had taken after him so that Keigo wouldn't embarrass himself, and them, and the black haired boy Mizuiro and the big guy Chad had followed after them. Ichigo had apprehended Keigo by the shirt before he could climb the stage, much to the relief of a surprised Tatsuki. Introductions had followed. Tatsuki would give Orihime the details on the way home.
What Orihime wouldn't ever accept was that she had a really beautiful voice. Everybody else apparently long-since had, because she tended to be a favorite during this thing. That and the fact that she would sing the song, no matter what it was. In fact, the crowd insisted that she sing another. After some prompting from Tatsuki and (oh God) the guys she'd been avoiding eye contact with, she agreed. Ooh, hopefully it would be another love song; she was really in the mood for one now…
"Let's get down to business! To defeat… the Huns!" Her voice instantly adopted military tones, much to the face-faults of three particular guys. Chad just couldn't get those. Even when Orihime acted out the words in some points ("Boy I really wish that I knew how to swim~"). ("Hope he doesn't see right through me" was complimented by blushing.)
"And next up," Rangiku began… "Hmm, why don't you pick?"
"M-me?!" Orihime exclaimed. She stuttered, and Tatsuki made it very evident that she didn't want a turn.
"Shut up, Keigo! What're you trying to do?!"
But it was too late. "Him!" Orihime shouted before running up the stage. A very confused Ichigo was shoved along by Keigo and Mizuiro as Orihime sheepishly returned the mike to Rangiku. "S-Sorry," she whispered at the base of the stairs.
"It's fine…" Ichigo shrugged before making his way up to take the mike. He looked at the screen, and forced himself to contain one monster of a face-fault. "Uh… Just whistle while you work…"
By mid-song, Keigo was sitting on the stage and whistling, not always in time or melody. At one point he whistled "The Ants Go Marching One by One."
At the end of it, Ichigo returned the mike with a blush on his face and a laughing Keigo on his shoulder. He didn't know the strawberry blonde host well, but he seemed to sense something evil behind that smile.
"As a further tribute to Snow White," she began, "could the following employees please come to the stage. "Toshiro, Rukia, Yachiru, Hanatarou, Momo, Jinta, and Ururu."
"Oh no, she wouldn't!" Tatsuki fought down a wave of laughter.
"Who're they?" Mizuiro asked. His question was answered as seven people slowly and begrudgingly made their way on stage.
"What's with all the short people?" Keigo asked. A silver-haired boy named Toshiro glared at him.
"Sorry about him," Ichigo sighed. Toshiro shrugged, most of his animosity reserved for Rangiku. "Uhm…"
"You are an amazing singer, young lady!" Keigo exclaimed.
"U-uhm… Thank you!" Orihime beamed. "And you're a good whistler!"
"Thank you!!!!" Keigo exclaimed, preparing to hug her before running into Ichigo's fist. "Why this sudden coldness, Ichigo?!"
"It's not sudden, and learn some self-control!"
Their squabbling was cut off by the sound of Orihime's giggling. When she noticed their stares, she instantly blushed. "S-sorry! You two are really funny! And you're a good singer… uhm…"
"Ichigo. Kurosaki Ichigo."
"A-ah… I-I'm… Inoue Orihime!"
…Did she forget for a second?
"AND I AM ASANO KEIGO!!!"
"Pl-pleased to meet you…"
"PLEASED TO MEET YOU~!"
Further introductions were postponed by Rangiku's completion of handing each worker a mike. "Watch the TV's, now…"
Their faces ranged from OMG to WTFF?! almost instantly. Gin came up behind them and revved a chainsaw, much to Rangiku's delight and the others' horror. And thus began the song.
"Heigh-ho~! Heigh-ho~! Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to work we go~!"
"Heigh-ho~! Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho! Heigh-ho…"
Keigo exploded with laughter, while Tatsuki kept hers at a dull roar. Ichigo and Orihime exchanged a glance, although Orihime almost instantly blushed and Ichigo had no idea why.
"Are you okay? Your face is red."
"N-no! I'm fine!" Her face got even redder, and still he remained clueless. Tatsuki didn't. Unfortunately for both them and the readers, neither did Chizuru.
The night had ended normally enough with exchanged phone numbers and blushing on the part of Orihime, and blatant flirting on the part of Keigo that Chizuru had jumped him for, and a very clueless Ichigo.
However, Chizuru had not been so clueless, and the exchange of phone numbers only added to her fears. She had to find a way to keep them apart, and keep Orihime hers! Mizuiro had assured her, confusedly, that Ichigo was indeed straight, so Chizuru was terrified. What would this frowning, redheaded male who had gotten Orihime's attention do to her when he figured it out? Perhaps he had already, and was feigning cluelessness. Then when she wasn't there to protect her princess and Tatsuki was already dead drunk he would—!
Chizuru had spent three days thinking about it from there. Three days that no author would dare subject her readers to. Three days of unspeakable Lemony horrors at the hands of a looneymind-conjured Sasquatch.
In those three days an off-topic but plot-necessary hostile takeover from within the Seireitei had occurred. One of the main bartenders, a guy who went by his last name Aizen, had bought out 51% of Seireitei's stocks in a single swoop, and become the new owner. He was gay, so Chizuru didn't mind. It was straight guys who were her primary concern.
Curse straight guys. And then one day, Chizuru realized how she could protect Orihime from the greater evil and keep her out of the reach of those perverted apes forever! She dialed up the Seireitei, and got Aizen on the line. He was perfectly willing to loan her one of his best bouncers, anything for the Queen, and soon she had one who could regenerate his eye.
For the sake of the readers, I will avoid typing out that horribly messed up conversation, and shall skip to the main point.
Even emo-tionless Ulquiorra had to pause before repeating his instructions. "You want me to bring this girl to Aizen-sama's plastic surgeon Aporro Granz, have him give her a sex change, and bring back her… female organs in this box as proof of the deed."
"Yes," the Queen affirmed with perfect serious and enough manic conviction to tempt Ulquiorra to whistle the noise of a cuckoo clock.
But he didn't, instead assuring her that he would indeed complete the deed and calmly walking out (escaping) as quickly as he could.
Queen Chizuru would have normally died before entrusting a male to this work, but she had the complete self-assurance that all of Aizen's top men were gay.
About an hour later, she had a call from another of Aizen's bouncers, and quickly let him (ugh, another male) in. This one had spiky blue hair and a jacket sexy enough for Chizuru to want one, too. "Yes?" the Queen asked.
"I was wonderin' if Ulquiorra'd already left."
"Yes. He left an hour ago."
"Why?" Chizuru could already guess, and decided to tease this one about it. "Already missing your boyfriend?"
Awww, what a funny face. "My… what?! HELL NO, LADY!!! I am STA-RAIGHT as Schwarzenegger, thank you very much!!!"
"Oh." Ugh, then he was straight. She opened her mouth to have him get out of her sight.
"…Wait." He seemed to have a thought coming on. "You thought Ulquiorra's gay?"
"Isn't he?" Oh no, if he wasn't…
Stone silence, blankness. And then… "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT, I'MGONNADIELAUGHING, OHSHIT!!!AHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAHA~"
Queen Chizuru stopped hearing the barrage of laughter as the full realization hit her. She had sent a straight, single man after her beloved Hime. He would see her, lust after her, and then… then… LEMON, NOOOOOO!!!
Rage filled Chizuru as the blunette rolled over the floor, laughter drowning out all else in the throne room. That lemon would not happen. Not if she could help it.
The target was picking flowers, no idea of what nonsense would soon befall her. Not that Ulquiorra particularly cared about the little airhead; orders were orders, and his orders from Aizen-sama were to aid the Queen as she ordered. So here he was, and off went his phone. Inwardly cursing, Ulquiorra flipped open the vibrating annoyance, put it to his ear, and was greeted by a racket audible for miles.
The sound of Grimmjow's laughter.
Oh, joy. Pure, unbridled joy.
He'd just have to take it out on the target.
"BWAHAHAHA…" The initial racket was finally slowing down. "Holy fuck, Ulquiorra; what'd you do?"
"What are you talking about, Grimmjow? I'm busy at the moment."
"Busy doing what, listening to the Jonas Brothers?"
"That trash? No." Hell no. Where had that come from?
"Miley Cyrus, then?"
"No. Do I even want to know the point of this?"
"What?" Grimmjow asked innocently. "I always thought you were smitten by Raven?"
There was that annoying blush again. "What are you getting at?"
"What? I just didn't think you were battin' for the other team."
"Y'know, I didn't know you swung the other way."
"What? Why would you think that I'm—"
"That's just what I heard from the Queen! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA—!"
Ulquiorra hung up on the riotous laughter a little more forcefully than was necessary. It vibrated again almost instantly. Grimmjow again. "What?" No indication of rage in his voice.
Ulquiorra turned off his phone. That little, pink-haired… He looked again to the girl, whom he now recognized as a regular to Las Noches. And you know what? Ulquiorra walked right up to the girl, tapped her on the shoulder, told her what his orders were, and finished with an "If I were you, I'd leave the country."
"Wha-what about you?" Orihime was still wrapping her head around the idea, but if he had just disobeyed direct orders from some crazy Queen who wanted to—Yeek!!!!
"I'm going home to Germany. This country is trash."
"Why-why did you help me?"
"Because the Queen is even greater trash." And with that, he went home to grab his crap before the Queen found out what he had done. No more Grimmjow, no more Yammy, no more Espada in general, no more Gay Nights…
Ulquiorra nearly did a happy dance, but restrained himself until he got home. And the second he got home, he pulled up "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" and started head banging.
Orihime, meanwhile, had fled into the woods while texting Tatsuki.
Yes, I know that this is quite ridiculous. That's why soon there shall be a chapter two! Read again and review, please.