Hidan, I Dare You To Kill Yourself
Heh, My first Naruto fic... and of course I don't own Naruto.
"...DAMN, I'M SO FREAKIN' BORED!!!" Hidan yelled at the top of his lungs.
"I know, it wasn't hard to guess," answered Sasori dryly, busily fixing one of his broken puppets, namely himself; he had gotten into an argument with Deidara over art, and the other members got so annoyed with their bantering that Kakuzu had smashed his iron-hard fist straight through the puppet-man's stomach.
"Indeed, and I don't give a damn about your stupid boredom," growled the said miser, counting his money as usual.
"Damn you all fucking shitheads..." Muttered the foulmouthed Jashinist.
"I never new zombies could get so noisy, eh Itachi-san?" Kisame chuckled as he scrubbed on Samehada to rid the bloodstain left on it an hour ago from a mission.
"Hmm..." was the only reply he got from the cold Uchiha, who was idly sipping tea on the floor in front of the couch.
"Only two things are louder here than Hidan's screaming," said Zetsu, who was watching CSI on TV. "Deidara's bangs, and - "
"DEIDARASENPAI!!!! COME PLAY WITH TOBI!!!!!!"
"Shit," Deidara muttered, stuffing his clay stuff back inside his utility belt and darted out of the living room mere seconds before Tobi burst into the scene.
"Where did Deidara senpai go?" The hyperactive moron asked Zetsu, who pointed to the kitchen. "Thank you!"
"What the hell is going on in here?" Asked an irritated voice from the entrance just as Tobi was beginning to race into the kitchen. All the Akatsuki members spared a moment from their hobbies to greet their leader, flanked by Konan, and was holding the struggling Deidara in his iron grip. "Tobi, if you pounce on Deidara like that one more time you're a bad boy."
"Meep! O-okay, leader-sama!" Tobi spluttered and hid behind Zetsu, allowing Deidara to sigh in relief.
Pein looked around the surroundings, and muttered, "Looks like all of us are here together, for once."
"For the first time in like, forever," commented Sasori.
"Oh, oh! Tobi has an idea!" Tobi suddenly jumped up in excitement, getting Zetsu to hiss at him in annoyance.
"If it involves some kind of a fucked-up game to celebrate our reunion, I'm outta here," grumbled Kakuzu without pausing his calculations.
"Tobi is a good boy, Tobi doesn't suggest silly games!" Tobi pouted.
"Okay, okay, what do you have in mind?" Konan quickly calmed him down, and growled "Don't get him pissed!" at Kakuzu, who snorted in response.
"Tobi suggests that we all play..." drawled Tobi.
"We all play...?" said Pein, raising his eyebrows.
"TRUTH OR DARE!!" Tobi squealed in delight.
"I think that's a good idea," Kisame suddenly spoke up, and had the pleasure of drawing the WTF expressions away from Tobi and on himself.
"Well, it's not as if we've got anything better to do today, mm..." said Deidara, scratching his head.
"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN FUCK WHAT WE FUCKING DO TODAY! ANYTHING TO GET THIS FUCKING BOREDOM OUT OF ME!!" Hidan yelled.
"SHUT UP, HIDAN!!" Kakuzu roared. Turning to Pein he added: "The decision is yours, leader-sama, but I'll play this game if that means shutting Hidan up."
"Agreed," said Sasori and Zetsu simultaneously.
Pein looked around at his subordinates, searching for anyone who seemed ready to disagree. To his dismay he didn't find any, not even Konan. They were all bored to their cores.
"Itachi, what do you say?" He decided to ask the Uchiha, who was still sipping his tea as if nothing had happened.
"Crap," Pein muttered under his breath.
"Okay, first we make the penalty cup," said Pein as he brought out a large goblet filled with water from the kitchen and set it down on a small table next to where all the members were gathered around in a circle. "Each member shall put one ingredient in the goblet to make the drink. Pick wisely, because anyone who refuses to tell the truth or do the dare is going to have a very thorough drink. Now, Tobi, you may put in the first ingredient."
"Yes, leader-sama!" Tobi leaped up in glee. Running to the kitchen, he quickly brought out a jat of sugar and poured a large spoonful of it into the water, much to everyones' disgust.
"I hate sweets," muttered Kakuzu (A/N: In the Naruto databook it says that Kakuzu's least favorite food is sweet potato XD).
"Like it salty then, fucker?" Hidan laughed evily, taking out a cup filled with crimson liquid out of his robe and pouring it in the goblet.
"Don't tell me you've stabbed yourself again," groaned Sasori, shaking his head in exasperation.
"Ew," said Konan, making a face.
"Huh," Kakuzu grunted, and added some pickle juice to the already ugly-looking mixture.
Next went Zetsu with some vinegar, followed by Sasori, who shocked everyone by throwing a handful of sawdust in the goblet, and Konan had to restrain Pein from strangling him.
"Mine is less disgusting than Sasori-danna's, mm!" Deidara exclaimed, and promptly contradicted his point by spitting very noisily into the goblet, and spent the next minute being chased around the entire hideout by an enraged Pein, until Kakuzu got tired of watching and used his threads to trip Deidara, allowing Pein to successfully beat the crap out of him.
"You boys should really learn how to behave," commented Konan as Kisame dumped some cooking oil into the goblet, allowing Itachi to come up next and reveal his ingredient.
"Hey, that MY Exploding Clay, mm!" Exclaimed Deidara, apparantly outraged enough to forget the pain in his black eye. "Where the fuck did you - "
"Nicked it," Itachi replied casually, dumping the lump into the hellish mixture.
"At least you'll have the fucking pleasure of blowing the shit out of any fucker who's fucking unfortunate enough to drink this fucking shit, eh?" Hidan cackled, and the blonde artist brightened up immediately at the prospect.
"I suppose I'm last," said Konan as she threw a piece of chalk into the goblet. Pein made a face as a soft sizzling sound could be heard from the large cup, and muttered "Damn..."
"Well, now that we're done..." said Kisame as Konan set the goblet on the table before rejoining the circle. "What now?"
"We choose who gets to pick the first victim," said Deidara grinning. "Normally you would spin the bottle, but to make it more fun... Kisame, can we spin Samehada instead?"
The other members blinked at Deidara's strange request, but Kisame only grinned and grabbed his prized blade, placing it in the center of the circle.
"Now I suggest you all back away, unless you'd like your leg skin shaved under you," the shark man chuckled, then abruptly spun Samehada on the floor. As if savoring its masters touch the blade spun furiously, and several members flinched back from the viciousness. Due to Kisame's unnatural strength it spun for quite awhile, and it stopped finally on -
"Konan!" Exclaimed Deidara, flashing a thumb-up to the blue-haired woman. "Now you pick the first person to do the dare... I suggest you pick anyone but me..."
"Don't worry; I already have someone in mind," Konan answered cooly. "Since Tobi was the first one to suggest this, it's only fair that he goes first."
"Oh, thank you!" Tobi squealed innocently. "Tobi picks dare because he's a good boy! Tobi will do whatever you say!"
"Good," said Konan with a grin. "Alright, Tobi. I dare you to get hugs from four Akatsuki members without getting beaten into a pulp beforehand."
"No!" Several people exclaimed at once; of course, that includes Deidara.
"Oh, okay. An easy dare! Does Tobi get to pick whom to hug?" Tobi asked gleefully.
"Of course you do, Tobi."
"Yay!" Tobi squeaked, immediately rushing over to Deidara. However, the blond artist quickly dodged out of the way, having already anticipated the lunatic's actions, and Tobi ended up embracing Itachi in a VERY TIGHT hug.
"Ha ha, a fucking nice choise, Tobi!" Hidan cackled, leaving the disgusted Itachi to push Tobi off.
"Thank you, Hidan-senpai! You're next!"
"Huh? Wait, wha - " Unfortunately, by the time Hidan was about to speak Tobi had already glomped on him. "FUCK! SOMEBODY GET THIS FUCKING SHITHEAD OFF ME!!"
"Oh, for hell's sake..." Pein muttered as he walked over and tried to pry Tobi off the swearing Jashinist; in fact he did succeed, as Tobi immediately chose the Akatsuki leader as his next victim, who enjoyed it to the extent that he mercifully landed a punch in his face.
"Serves you right, Tobi." Deidara chuckled, showing pity in his pale blue eyes for once. "Come here, kid. Make it fast."
"Oh, thank you, senpai!" Tobi cried, willingly rushing into Deidara's arms.
"April Fool, son of a bitch," sneered the terrorist as Tobi's unconscious body slumped down from the opposite wall.
"Wow, Deidara," breathed Sasori in awe. "That's pretty cold, even in Akatsuki standards."
"So now why do I feel fucking glad that he did it?" Hidan cackled gleefully.
"That's enough," said Pein, although even he looked a little amused. "Wake up, Tobi. You need to choose the next person."
"Okay, leader-sama!" Tobi yelled and leaped to his feet, somehow still energetic after getting hit by a C1 full blast. "Tobi picks Itachi-sama! Truth or Dare, Itashi-san?"
"...Truth," said Itachi, his dead expression hardly phasing.
"Have you ever kissed a girl before, Itachi-senpai?" Tobi asked the Uchiha with full innocence.
"Come on!" Hidan snorted. "Itachi the fucking apathic, kiss a fucking girl? I bet he's never fucking kissed a bitch younger than his fucking grandma!"
"Enough, Hidan." Pein warned the silver-haired man sternly. "Well, Itachi, what is your answer?"
"..." For the first time in five years the Akatsuki members saw emotion cross Itachi's face. But before they could ponder on it, Kisame's barking laughter distracted them.
"Why, Itachi-san, I don't see why you're so shy! You were kind enough to tell me - " chuckled the shark-man.
"Soooooooo...Kisame, I believe that you know that answer?" Sasori asked him slyly, to which Itachi glared at.
"I DON'T CARE WHO THE FUCK SAYS IT! IS IT FUCKING TRUE OR NOT?!" Hidan bellowed, earning a whack on the back of the head from Pein.
".............................................................................................. I have," said Itachi after a full minute, somehow without his poker face breaking.
"Woooo!" Deidara hooted loudly. "And who, may I ask, is the lucky woman?"
"I don't have to answer that, you know." Itachi replied coldly, crossing his arms and looking genuinely pissed.
"You could have lied," Zetsu's white side pointed out. "There aren't many girls in Konoha that are similar to your age, you know. Don't forget that I'm from Konoha myself, and I know one and every people there out of research."
"So if you HAD lied," growled the black side thrateningly. "Not only you drink the penalty cup, you're gonna be drinking them inside my stomach. Understand?"
"Now now," laughed Kisame. "Who said the girl was from Konoha? I certainly didn't."
Dead silence followed.
"...What?" Pein growled menacingly, glancing at Itachi before turning at Konan, who looked back at him aghast.
"What the hell? No, of course not!" Exclaimed Itachi, flailing his hands in dismay; the other members stared at the Uchiha in shock, never having seen Itachi shout before. "I may be a mass murderer and a bastard who massacared my own family, but how could you suspect me of hitting on another guy's woman?!"
Now it was Konan's turn to blush as all eyes turned on her (and Pein). Itachi was giving a death glare at Kisame, who looked rather abashed at leading everyone the wrong way.
"Okay, okay, we believe you," said Deidara waving his arms to calm the outraged Itachi down, with some success. "So then tell us, in case Zetsu means his - er, THEIR threats. Who?"
"... It's not as if you'd know Shizune..." he murmured quietly (A/N: In reality Shizune is ten years older than Itachi, but aaahhh... whatever.).
"Oho, Shizune! Yes, yes, I AM aware of that name," chuckled Zetsu. "Well, this is certainly a pleasant surprise. Who would have known Itachi Uchiha ever possessed a romantic side?"
"...Whatever," grumbled Itachi, obviously displeased. "Kakuzu, Truth or Dare?"
"Hmm... Dare," the bounty hunter mumbled, who had returned to counting his precious money while no one was noticing.
"Sing 'Bodies' by Drowning Pool with your hearts as backdancers."
"WHAT?!" Kakuzu roared and leaped to his feet (Not before stuffing his money inside his pockets, though) as the other Akatsuki members went hysterics; Deidara, Tobi and Hidan were all laughing their heads off, Kisame was patting an umsmiling Itachi's back for a good dare, Zetsu and Sasori were laughing with their backs turned, and even Pein and Konan snorted loudly in amusement. "WHAT DID YOU JUST TELL ME TO DO?!"
"The stage us up there," said Itachi calmly, pointing at the open space in front of the large TV. "The song's on Kisame's iPod playlist, and you can sing along with it."
Kakuzu glared at the Uchiha with murder in his eyes. "And what if I refuse?"
Itachi blinked, and wordlessly pointed at the penalty cup sitting on the table. Hidan quickly grabed hold of it, and took several deliberate steps toward his partner with a sadistic smile.
"Get the fuck off me, you piece of shit!"
Itachi sighed impatiently. "Fine, if you do it I'll pay you."
Kakuzu stopped struggling against Hidan. "How much?" He asked cautiously.
Wordlessly pulling Hidan off him (Just roughly enough so that he wouldn't spill the drink on him), Kakuzu stomped up to the stage and pulled off his black robe.
"Heh, you really know how to persuade, Itachi..." Zetsu chuckled.
"This is going to be... interesting," Sasori muttered, eying the bounty hunter as his hearts began ripping themselves out of his back.
"Am I the only one who feels creepy while watching that?" Asked Konan, going a little green.
"Trust me, you get used to it..." said Deidara somewhat comfortingly. Pein glanced at the 19-year-old artist, but decided not to push him; after all, he was just trying to be nice.
"Kisame, the iPod." Itachi calmly told his partner, who flashed a toothy grin as he pulled out his MP3 and pulled out the earphones.
"Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the - "
"FLOOORRRR!!!!!!!!!" Kakuzu roared, and his four hearts (one he kept in his body) began dancing along the gangster music. Most of the Akatsuki members were staring at the miser in shock, and those who weren't were too busy laughing to pay any attention to them.
"What the hell..." Pein muttered as Kakuzu began singing in earnest. To everyones' surprise, his singing wasn't bad at all (probably because it was a gangster song).
"I didn't know a few bucks would mean THAT much to him," Sasori wondered in awe.
"Save it; at least we're all getting a good show out of it," laughed Kisame.
"Grrr.... Just gimme the goddamn bucks Itachi," growled Kakuzu as he finished his song, sewed his hearts back inside him and stomped back into the circle.
"Sure thing, Kakuzu; you've done a great job," said Itachi as he slowly took out his wallet with a wry smile; another rare event. It seemed that he was enjoying the game more than anyone had realized, to an extent that he could pull thirty bucks out of the wallet and hand them over to a delighted Kakuzu without so much as a frown.
"Don't you even miss all the money?" Zetsu asked him curiously.
"I'm richer than you think," was Itachi's reply.
"It's actually Monopoly money," Kisame whispered to the plant man, and he gasped at Itachi's genius.
"Right, anyway..." said Kakuzu, counting his money yet again with an absentminded smile that was visible even behind his vizard. "Leader-sama? Truth or Dare?"
Pein blinked, surprised - and a little annoyed - that it was his turn so soon. "Truth," he decided swiftly.
"How many times have you slept with Konan?" Asked Kakuzu absentmindedly, too intent on counting his money to realize what he had just said.
"Umm... Kakuzu-senpai?" Asked Tobi nervously. "Do you mind looking up...?"
"What?" The bounty hunter snapped as he looked up, only to find a very dark evil crimson destructive murderous aura smoldering from Pein. Konan's face was pure scarlet, whether from rage or embarassment no one could tell. All in all, Kakuzu had just made a REALLY big (and tactless) mess/blunder.
"Errrmmm... was it something I've said?" He asked innocently. A small teacup that Pein had been holding smashed within his hand.
"Dude, you've just asked leader-sama..." muttered Sasori, then whispered something urgently into Kakuzu's ears, to which his dark face bleached.
"...Leader-sama?" Even Itachi's voice was laced with a faint trace of fear now, as the scorching aura that enveloped Pein only grew darker.
"... I'll say it, since this is a dare," the Akatsuki leader gritted his teeth at last, making his words deliberately very slow and grinding. "But as soon as the last words are out of my mouth, Kakuzu, you're LIQUIFIED. I'll tear apart your every atom and throw it in the fire, then resurrect you again and dismember you in a way that not even Hidan would recognize your face..."
"...But wait, I've got a better idea," he said, looking at the terrified Kakuzu.
"Konan?" The blue-haired woman looked up at Pein, obviously trying to bravely hide her embarassment and misery. Allowing himself a small smile at her, he said: "How about YOU get to punish Kakuzu after the game is over? Will that make you feel better?"
"Oh, YESSSS..." Konan hissed, regaining her composure just enough to get angry at Kakuzu, and everyone shuddered; when angry, she almost looked like Orochimaru.
"Right, and the answer to your QUESTION is..." Quickly rushing over to each member (except Kakuzu and Konan, obviously) Pein whispered the answer into their ears. Tobi kindly whispered into Kakuzu's ears for him. When he was done, all the members were staring at their leader like 'WTF?'
"Gosh, leader-sama..." murmured Deidara, shaking his head.
"Don't say it," snapped Pein, blushing slightly more than Konan. "Grrrr... Kisame, Truth or Dare?" Konan whispered something into his ear, and he smiled and said "Very good idea, Konan." His partner blushed modestly in reply, then looked at Kisame for answers.
"Dare," answered the shark-man quickly, obviously glad to be over with the awkwardness. Leaning over to him Pein whispered something in his ears again, and when he pulled away everyone was relieved to see that amusement had returned to his expression.
"Sure thing, but will it be safe?" Kisame asked Pein, looking excited but slightly nervous at the same time; an odd case, as he was never afraid of anything.
"Maybe not, but what is life without a little risk?" Pein replied with a smirk. Grinning back, Kisame got up and disappeared upstairs.
"Where did he go?" Asked Zetsu, glancing up at where Kisame had gone into. "His room is on the opposite corridor..."
"What did you dare him to do, leader-sama? Mmm?" Deidara asked curiously. Everyone turned to Pein with the same look, even Itachi (less so than the others).
"Oh, nothing," Pein waved his hand dismissively. "Just a little dare to nick Kakuzu's wallet under his bedsheet - "
Kakuzu was gone in a millisecond.
"Help Kisame," Pein quickly told Konan, who nodded and clasped her hands together.
"Dance of the Shikigami!" She said, allowing her entire body to tranform into millions of sheets of paper. Quickly folding themselves into paper airplanes, they swiftly flew upstairs to where Kakuzu had raced up like a maniac.
"Consider this her revenge," Pein muttered under his breath, as tusseling sounds began coming from upstairs.
"Get your ass away from my precious wallet! Raiton, Gian!" Kakuzu's voice roared, and sizzling noises could be heard. (Translation: Lightning Release: False Darkness)
"Watch it moron, I've still got your precious wallet. Mizu Bunshin no Jutsu!" Kisame's taunting voice could be heard. (Translation: Water Clone Technique) "Now, which one is holding your wallet? Care to take a guess before one of the Samehadas impale you?"
"Gaaaaaaaaaah!" Kakuzu bellowed like a madman in frustration.
"That's enough, Kakuzu, this is a dare." Konan's stern voice warned the miser, but everyone knew what was coming next.
"NO ONE LANDS A FILTHY CLAW ON MY MONEY!! Katon, Zukkoku!" (Translation: Fire Release: Searing Pain)
"Gah, Itachi, use Tsukuyomi on Kakuzu," growled Pein in defeat. "I don't want the hideout being demolished, as much I'd like to see Konan murder that son of a bitch."
"As you wish..." murmured the Uchiha, vanishing with a poof.
"This is going to be fucking hillarious," Hidan laughed maniacally as the screaming began.
A little while later...
"There, Kisame. Now pick," said Konan bresquely, dusting her hands in half-satisfaction over a half-dead Kakuzu.
"Sure thing," chuckled the shark-man, despite his black eye. He was rather reluctantly shoving Kakuzu's wallet into the pocket of its unconscious master, but not before nicking Itachi's fake money (plus alpha, just to screw Kakuzu up) out of it. "Right... Zetsu, Truth or Dare?"
"Truth." "Dare." "Fine."
"What are you doing?" Pein asked Deidara mournfully handed a couple of bucks over to Sasori.
"They were betting on which one of Zetsu's sides were superior," Konan informed him. Pein raised his eyebrows at this, but decided to talk to them about it later.
"Okay..." said Kisame as he got up and walked over, not to Zetsu but Deidara.
"What the fuck is he up to now?" Hidan grumbled as Zetsu struggled to hear what Kisame was whispering into Deidara's ears in vain.
"At your sevice, mm!" The terrorist laughed as Kisame drew back, then got up and disappeared into the kitchen. Pretty soon the rest of the members could hear loud bangs, clatters and the sound of stuff burning from the kitchen, and some smoke began drifting out from it.
"What the hell is he doing?" Pein wondered aloud.
"Does he even know how much money it takes to repair a whole room?" Kakuzu muttered angrily, still half-conscious from Konan's beating.
"I'm done, mm!" Deidara cried a while later, coming out of the kitchen with a plate full of some...
"Some black... crispy looking..." "...shit." "Yeah, that just about sums it up." "Why the fuck did you bring that crap in here, you brat?!"
"Don't insult my cooking, however bad it may be, mm." Deidara snorted. "And you'd better learn to appreciate it soon, 'cause Kisame-danna had dared you to eat this, mm."
Zetsu promptly fainted as the others began laughing their ass out; Deidara was one of the worst cook in Akatsuki, to an extent that Itachi had once stated that he could 'burn water'.
"Just eat it, Zetsu-san! It's a dare!" Tobi squeaked cheerfully beside the plant-man, and Zetsu, with a resigned sigh, was forced to obey and faint again, but not before shoving some of the black crap into Tobi's eyehole to show him his personal hell.
"Drag those two out for the time being..." Pein muttered, wrinkling his nose in disgust as Sasori dumped the remaining crumbs (Zetsu had loyally eaten all of it) in the trash bin. "No wait, wake Zetsu up; he has to pick the next person."
"I'm awake, I'm awake," muttered Zetsu, numbly sitting up clasping his head. "Damn, my stomach is killing me..." "Same here. Sasori, Truth or Dare?"
"Dare," answered the puppet-man.
"Have Hidan dismember you for an hour straight." "Ha-ha! A good one!"
"Fine... crap," Sasori groaned, but otherwise didn't complain as Hidan methodically pulled him apart. Surprisingly he didn't seem to enjoy it as much as anticipated, and everyone was talking about it until Kakuzu explained that it was because Sasori had no blood to spill.
"Darn you Hidan... Truth or Dare?" The said Pinocchio (or rather, his head) grumbled at his grinning torturer.
"Dare, fuck you. Only fucking wimps do Truths," the Jashinist boasted, then flinched upon noticing Itachi and Pein giving him death glares.
"Excellent," hissed Sasori. "So this is how it will be..."
"HIDAN, I DARE YOU TO KILL YOURSELF!"
"What the fuck?! I can't fucking kill myself, you fucking moron, I can't even fucking die!" Hidan protested loudly.
"Well if you can't do it, I guess you'll have to drink the penalty cup," Deidara chuckled, pointing at the sizzling mixture on the table.
"Fuck you, jackass! How the fucking hell am I gonna do a fucking dare that's fucking impossible?!"
"My point exactly, Hidan." Sasori told the swearing Jashinist dryly. "Now just drink the stinking cup, or are you actually willing to try and commit suicide?"
"SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIIIIIITTTTT!!!" Hidan half-screamed, half-wailed.
"Aw, our poor baby's all pissed," chuckled Kakuzu, grabbing the goblet and stalking over to Hidan. "Well, if a baby doesn't want to drink his baby bottle, then the situation requires... PERSUATION!" He laughed evily, as his threads began unstitching themselves out of his body and began strangling Hidan (A/N: NOT YAOI!!).
"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME FUCKER!! AND I'M FUCKING 22 - "
"And I'm four times older than you, so suck it up," Kakuzu answered wickedly, dumping the whole mixture down Hidan's protesting mouth.
"%JTGHUIE(%^O#%JOW UG)W#%U)JROERGJ)!TQH T)%R#$ ^$(!%V Q(#IT!!!!!!!!"
"Cool, you've actually made Hidan say something else than cussing," remarked Kisame, laughing like there was no tomorrow.
It took nearly ten minutes for Hidan to come to, then yet another five to vomit all the foul stuff out of his system. "Fuck... okay... Deidara... Truth... or Dare...?" He asked, too worn out to speak properly. The Jashinist was never that good looking, but his state now was just TERRIBLE; even Kakuzu had to supress a shudder to see him in a ghoulish state like that.
"Dare, mm!" The boy said cheerfully, as if what happened the last time one of his comrades picked dare didn't bother him at all.
Little did he realize that he was going to be bothered.... BIG TIME.
"Right, Deidara... first of all, STRIP, FUCKER."
"I said fucking strip," Hidan grinned. "Shit no, wait... not completely. Just up to the fucking top."
"Er... 'kay, mm" muttered Deidara, nervously taking off his robe then his net shirt. Gasps began coming out of the Akatsuki members.
"Yeah I know, the chest-mouth is disturbing," Deidara murmured somewhat embarassedly, twiddling with the stitches that held the gaping mouth on his chest closed.
"Well, yeah, but that's not what we were gasping about..." said Konan, peeking out of her hands covering her face.
"More like because we've just confirmed that your'e a guy after all," laughed Kisame, causing several people to crack up.
"What the hell? Of course I'm a guy! What else would I be?"
"A gender-confused moron?" Kakuzu suggested, causing the laughing people to howl like a pack of wolves.
"Heyhey, shut the fuck up. I'm not finished giving your fucking dares," smirked Hidan.
"What, isn't this enough?!" Deidara whined.
"Of course not, fucker. I had to actually fucking drink that garbage shit. Nooo, Deidara... this is the real fucking dare. I dare you to fuck... I mean kiss four seperate fucking Akatsuki members with the fucking mouths on your fucking face, hands and chest!" Hidan announced gleefully.
A shocked silence descended in the living room for a full minute.
"...Pfft!!" That was Kakuzu.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" That was, well, practically everyone in the room, except Deidara, Itachi and Pein (Deidara looked thunderstruck, while Itachi and Pein were laughing as quietly as they could managed with mouths covered).
"Oh damn..." muttered Deidara, looking as if he might puke from all four mouths.
"Who chooses the ones who'll get kissed?" Kisame asked Hidan curiously.
"Mmmm, let's fucking see..." said Hidan, feigning thoughtfulness. "I could just fucking decide myself, but what's the fucking fun in that, fucker? Maybe I fucking should have leader-sama make the fucking choises for fucking once!"
Pein's eyes twitched at the foulmouthed bastard's words, but his composure remained calm. "Actual mouth on Sasori, left hand on Kisame, right hand on Zetsu, and the one on the chest on... Hidan." He said quickly, allowing a small smirk on himself. Yeah, this was how one gets revenge.
"Taken in again," chuckled Kakuzu, studying Hidan's expression. Deidara almost gleefully licked him in the face with his chest mouth, but both were grossed out after the incident. Kisame and Zetsu weren't exactly pleased to be kissed by their comrade's hands, but at least they didn't complain aloud; Sasori was very patient when Deidara shyly kissed his cheek, but proceeded to chase Tobi around the room upon hearing the idoit remark: "Why you look pleased to have Deidara-senpai kiss you!"
"Right... I guess Konan's the only one left..." said Deidara thoughtfully as he put on his clothes again, trying to block out the background music of "I'M NOT GAY, YOU MORON!!"
"I'll do dare," said Konan, with just a faint trace of nervousness that she failed to hide.
"Excellent," said Deidara, rubbing his hands together in excitement. "Okay, here's the deal, Konan... I dare you to french leader-sama for a full minute."
"Oh my gosh, Deidara-senpai!" Tobi yelled in shock. "You've killed leader-sama and Konan-chan!!"
"Hmm, as they're both twitching I think we can assume they're both alive..." observed Itachi, looking over the fainted couple as everyone else began laughing their ass off. Kakuzu was trying to keep down his laughter and ended up snorting over and over again; Kisame was so out of breath over laughing that he was leaning on Samehada for support; Zetsu's black half was laughing his other half off; Sasori was banging his head on the floor to stop himself from cracking; Hidan had fainted due to excessive laughter; Deidara was grinning like a maniac and patting himself on the back for the best dare ever.
By this time Pein and Konan had both woken up, and were looking very embarassed at each other.
"Er..." Konan stammered, at loss for words.
"You don't have to do it if you don't want to, Konan," Pein tried to reassure her, knowing very well that it wasn't going to work.
"Sorry, leader-sama; this is a dare. She has to do it, or it's the penalty cup for her." Sasori stated a matter-of-factly, having gotten over his feat of laughter.
"In front of everyone?" Konan whispered in terror.
"What, would you rather have us send you to Konoha's gates for everyone to see you?" Kisame roared, laughing even louder.
Konan responded very maturely by wrapping a long sheet of paper around the shark-man's mouth.
"Fine..." Konan muttered in utter embarassment, then turned to face her God.
Deidara smiled. Of course there was no way that he could have known about the tragic childhood shared by Konan and Nagato, but he and everyone else in the Akatsuki was well aware that Konan's admiration for their leader was serious, and obviously deep. They also knew quite well that Pein himself (consciously or subconsciously) cared for Konan in a way that could only be described as love. So, being the awesome artist he was, he had decided to play matchmaker for once.
And frankly, judging from the looks Pein and Konan were giving to each other, was he successful.
"Ummm... Konan?" Said Deidara meekly. "I said kiss him for a full MINUTE, not HOUR, mm."
"Don't interrupt them, moron!" Kisame snapped as he elbowed the terrosist in the side. He then pointed to Zetsu, who was busying himself recording Pein and Konan kiss for what seemed like (and was) two straight minutes. Sasori, Itachi and Kakuzu were watching the scene transfixed, while Hidan was once again laughing his eyeballs out. Tobi was drooling.
"Allright, break them up people; we haven't got all day," Kakuzu said at last, getting to his feet. The next moment, Deidara, Kisame and Tobi had dogpiled him and hissed "Don't you dare, fucker (mm)!" in his ears. Pein and Konan were too busy snogging each other to notice the commotion.
"Fuck, seriously, though, we'd better fucking separate them before they decide that one fucking kiss isn't enough," said Hidan with a mischievous smirk. Of course everyone understood the bastard's words, and Kisame very appropriately beheaded him, getting about 574 F-words in return.
Eventually, Pein and Konan separated due to lack of air, after nearly three full minutes after they began. When they were finally out of their fantasy world, they slowly opened their eyes and turned to see the eight other members pratically drooling at them. They quickly scooted (just a little) away from each other, blushing badly.
"Sooooooo... how did it go?" Deidara cooed sweetly, voice dripping with false innocence.
"Shut up..." muttered Konan under her breath, and Pein added "...and that's an order."
"Leader-sama..." said Itachi, shaking his head in exasperation.
"Come now, you always knew that the two of you loved each other; you should be thanking Deidara for confirming the fact to both of you," Sasori pointed out calmly.
"After all, love is blind," chuckled Zetsu. "Funny, you two were the only ones who didn't know that you loved each other."
The God and his angel looked at rach other, still blushing a little on the cheek. When they finally turned back to their comrades, Konan was smiling slightly and Pein looked more content than anyone had ever seen him for twenty years.
"Thank you," said Pein at last, and a few people gasped; Pein never expressed gratitude of any sort, whether he truly felt it or not. "Through this game you taught us something important today... without even realizing it yourselves. This day I shall remember forever."
"I think everyone has learned something from today," said Konan quietly. "Maybe we should play this game a little more often - "
Pein flashed a hopeful glance, while everyone else yelled: