Summary: You would be surprised by how violent moving two long, wooden needles at a high speed could be. Bella now thought that the activity would be dangerous even in human hands.

AN: Thank you to my mom, my dad, and my friend Johnathan for betaing this story and laughing when I told them the idea.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters therein. I do however, own a pair of 8 mm bamboo knitting needles.

Lethal Flying Objects

Bella's eyes shut tightly as a low growl escaped from her lips.

"Focus," she ordered herself. "Concentrate. You have more self-control then any other vampire the Cullens have ever seen, so you can do this."

The muffled laughter trickling out of her husband and sister-in-law did nothing to encourage this pep talk.

"Here you are, love."

Bella opened her eyes to find her current nemesis only a few inches from her face. Another growl burst from her throat.

She stared at the two seemingly innocent 8 mm bamboo knitting needles that were dangling in front of her, one with yarn still hanging off it.

"Thank you," Bella said through her teeth while grabbing the offending needles from her husband. Once again, she was grateful that all of her crafting was attempted while Emmett was out hunting – she would never "live" this down otherwise.

"These almost went through the outer wall of the house. Some would call that an improvement compared to merely piercing the dining room wall."

Bella briefly considered trying to pierce her husband's marble skin using the knitting needles and her newly-made-vampire strength.

Of course, said strength was the problem at the moment.

Bella took an instant to review why she was in this situation…why any vampire would even attempt crafts.

The idea had formed in Bella's mind when she remembered Charlie's birthday. Bella now had plenty of time to learn new skills and she decided that Charlie might enjoy getting a normal, human-made present. Her first thought had been a quilt, like those at Charlie's house made by Bella's grandmothers and great-grandmothers. Unfortunately, Bella's patience and the sewing machine had not survived these attempts. She had even tried hand stitching a quilt, but the needles bent and broke every time they hit her finger.

And so, after consulting with a woman at the local hobby store, Bella concluded that knitting would be the simplest craft to try next. A scarf seemed just the thing for Charlie; green, of course, to match the color scheme of Forks.

But you would be surprised by how violent moving two long, wooden needles at a high speed could be. Bella now thought that the activity would be dangerous even in human hands.

Luckily, there were few witnesses for such an event since only Alice and Edward were home. Even little Renesmee had gone with Jacob for the afternoon. After Bella's last knitting day, Jacob had refused to allow Nessie around "lethal flying objects."

And now, to make things worse, Bella was beginning to suspect that Alice had ulterior motives for holding Bella's yarn then being helpful and supportive.

Bella took what she hoped would be a deep, calming breath and began knitting again. The needles moved back and forth, creating perfect knots in the yarn that could eventually form a scarf. She tried to focus on controlling her speed while maintaining her grip on the needles.

But once again, when only half the scarf was finished she heard a familiar twinkling giggle just before the needles went flying from her hands.

Her dear sister-in-law had found a new source of entertainment.

Edward caught the needles just before they reached the wall. Evidently he was also playing Alice's game.

Perhaps sensing his wife's growing frustration, Edward chuckled only once while returning the needles. Still, when he softly kissed her head, Bella avoided his eyes and the mirth she would surely find within them.

"Not. This. Time," she said to Alice.

The petite woman responded with a smile. "No, not this time."

As the needles began moving again, Bella concentrated solely on the grip of her fingers around the thin pieces of bamboo. She became aware of every muscle in her fingers, wrists, and arms. She vowed not to release the needles until the scarf was complete.

Bella was pleased with her progress as the scarf grew steadily in front of her eyes.

When she heard the soft laughter again, Bella doubled her efforts to control the needles. She didn't pay attention to Edward slipping out of the room.

Her speed peaked as the scarf neared completion and her pile of yarn dwindled. Bella allowed herself a small congratulatory smile.

And in a sudden flash it was all gone.

The friction from the bamboo needles moving against each other had reached a breaking point and in one fantastic burst the entire scarf had erupted in flames.

Before Edward dumped the pitcher of water on the fire (thus explaining his brief absence), Alice was already wracked with giggles. Emmett's booming voice in the distance could be heard joining her.

Bella's anger dissolved into a pout as she turned to Edward, who was valiantly trying to control his laughter.

After regaining his composure, he grinned helplessly at Bella. "Perhaps crocheting would be safer. With only one hook there's no danger of friction."

Author's Note:

The idea for this story kept coming back to me every time I knitted after reading the Twilight series, so I finally decided to write it down. Maybe not my funniest work, but I hope that it brought you a smile.