Konoha Dating Agency
A/N: Only six of you guessed right...so, uh...congratulations :) I had half a mind to change the last two members just to prove you smug bastards wrong but
decided I'd make my own life difficult. If I left anyone out, I apologise. Tell me in a PM and I'll correct it.
So *drum roll*, this chapter is for the following people:
2- anime. drawer14
A/N2: JUST CORRECTING THE FORMAT
Chapter Eight: A compromise of Sorts
Sweet, glorious, and yet still-somewhat-organised chaos was the result of the Akatsuki challenge to find them.
While the girls screamed out for blood, the boys shouted for it, because they were manly like that.
Well, Kiba and Naruto shouted.
Sasuke was too busy agreeing with Gaara that they were surrounded by noisy idiots.
The girls decided to make dinner while the boys all went to Naruto's basement.
Sasuke's jaw nearly dropped at the sight that met him when Naruto turned on the basement lights. In the few days he'd known Naruto and basically lived at his house
whenever they had free periods from their classes, Sasuke had never once set foot in the basement, the attic or Naruto's bedroom.
Naruto seemed to always fall asleep on the carpet in the furniture-less tv room while everyone else called dibs on the bedrooms.
The blond had already given Sasuke a room downstairs if he ever needed it, which Sasuke had taken out of a strange need to be polite, but had not yet used. He and
Hinata usually left to head back to KT after each day, usually staying long enough for supper.
Sasuke could almost see why he had never been shown the basement before.
The room was like a tiny geek heaven.
Computers were set up on several desks lining the walls and what Sasuke had to assume was either a giant CPU or the star trek motherboard, was sitting in the
middle of the room.
"What the hell..."
Sasuke waited patiently for Darth Vader to step out from behind a computer and breathe heavily as he was prone to doing, with what was obviously some really bad
asthma, before claiming paternal rights to one of them. Although, to be fair, in this day and age, Darth Vader would probably get decked for being a sex offender, what
with waving his glowing stick about all willy-nilly and breathing like that.
Naruto and Gaara hurried down the steps and started turning everything on.
The only reason Sasuke even followed them down to Nerd Heaven was that Kiba pushed him and he almost broke his neck trying not to fall. One good punch to the gut
was just what karma ordered.
Kiba explained (while rubbing his stomach soothingly) to Sasuke what the hell was going on as Naruto and Gaara were too busy grabbing cables and connecting them
to two laptops which they immediately logged on to, even though they moved to sit at a pair of desktops as well.
Apparently, when they weren't barely surviving potential rape by fangirls, they enjoyed hacking, cooking and taking long walks by the beach.
Kiba had a way of making them sound like lonely bachelors.
Sasuke snorted at any idea that Naruto could be a hacker but after a little proof involving Sasuke's bank calling to declare him bankrupt and then calling a few minutes
later to apologise for the obvious glitch in their system, Sasuke had grudgingly accepted that maybe Naruto was a computer genius.
It was just unfortunate that while Naruto and Gaara were actually being useful on their computers, Sasuke was forced to listen to Kiba.
And when the girls finally got to the basement-
"It's like boys get stupider every day," Sakura whispered in awe.
She, Ino and Hinata were watching Kiba arguing with Sasuke, marveling at the dog-owners' previously unseen levels of idiocy.
"I'm telling you, that's how the toilet was invented!" Kiba yelled.
Sasuke sighed, gracing Kiba with a dry look. "So...you're saying one day, a guy was pooping in a hole he'd just dug and thought to himself, 'what if someone else dug
the hole, or better yet, what if the hole was already there?'...?"
Kiba nodded enthusiastically, "Exactly, and then he invented the chamber pot but after careful consideration, made a few improvements and thus, the flushable john
came to be," the boy grinned. "All of man's greatest ideas came from some form of an inbred desire to be lazy."
Sasuke held back an amused smile. "So...sliced bread?"
"Breaking bread was hard work. Ancient bread was probably majorly rock-like so it took a lot of effort to cut up pieces for everyone. Sometimes they'd get so mad
they'd whack someone over the head with the loaf and kill them."
"Bicycles were tiring," Kiba gave Sasuke a look that implied he was stupid for even asking. "And the same goes for stopping to ask for directions. They knew women
nagged incessantly and so they gave you a useful computer woman who could both give you directions and shut the first one up, and called her 'Central Navigation
"Why walk all the way over to a guy when you can kill him from the comfort of your own home?"
"I'm not sure you understand how guns work."
"I'm in!" Naruto yelled from his place in front of a desktop.
"That's what she said!" Kiba snorted, only to be smacked by Sakura as the girls finally made their way down.
While Naruto dealt with disabling the firewalls and security, Gaara worked tirelessly to ensure their hacking wasn't being tracked, and that if it was, he led them away.
"You already found them?" Sasuke asked, impressed.
Naruto nodded distractedly. "When Kiba started talking."
"So what are you doing?"
"Hacking into their system. It seems Akatsuki is actually a conglomerate."
"But I've never heard of it."
"They use different names when marketing themselves and own many businesses," Gaara stated. "They also own Dawn," he added with a smirk. Female jaws dropped
and swear words erupted.
"Those bastards!" Sakura hissed.
"At least it means they can come through on their side, if we win."
"When we win," Sasuke muttered.
Sakura was just handing out the sandwiches and glasses of juice when both Naruto and Gaara swore.
"Shut everything down, now," Gaara ordered.
Naruto pressed a large button with an X on his laptop and all the computers immediately went off.
Naruto leaned heavily in his chair and smiled at the ceiling.
"What just happened?" Hinata asked, her mouth full as she went through her fifth sandwich.
"They had a tracer," Gaara said drily. "I almost didn't notice it. They were going to spike our system."
"In English?" Ino asked. "Not all of us play dungeons and dragons."
"It means they were going to make it so we couldn't hack them."
"By doing what?"
"Making our computers explode," Gaara deadpanned.
Ino stared at him. "You're lying."
"Of course I am," he retorted. "But I'm trying to simplify it so you can understand."
Ino huffed and walked back upstairs.
"So what happens now?" Hinata asked.
"We try again," Naruto said with an excited grin.
"All we need is a third person to handle their tracer and we'll be good to go," Naruto said.
"We understand you guys don't know vista from windows 7 so we'll get a professional."
"Is that allowed?" Sakura asked.
Naruto stood and took the offered plate of sandwiches. "Well," he kissed her cheek briefly. "No one said we couldn't. Besides, I know just the guy. And we could add
him on as our newest member."
"Who?" Sasuke asked, glaring at Sakura for a moment.
"Don't worry," Naruto winked at him. "You'll like him. Let's go."
"It's late, you moron," Sasuke said. "You can't go recruiting at this hour."
Naruto blinked, looking at the time. "Hm, you're right. Is that your way of subtly asking to spend the night with me?"
Sasuke snorted and went up the stairs, fully planning on using his room for the first time instead of leaving like he usually did, followed closely by Sakura and Kiba.
"So..." Naruto smirked at Gaara. "I think I'm wearing him down."
Gaara snorted from his seat. "I'm actually amazed you two haven't already gotten to humping like bunnies."
"I'm kinda disappointed," Hinata agreed. "I feel ripped off."
The blond wagged his eyebrows at her. "Anytime you need me to rip-"
"Oh, shut up, you," she sighed, also leaving.
"She has a point, you know. You and the Uchiha haven't even spent one night together," Gaara pointed out, standing and stretching. "It's a little disappointing."
"The fun is in the chase," Naruto chuckled. "Who knows what terrible things would happen if I caught him too soon."
"Somehow, I think the world would still go on."
"But then the game would end," Naruto stated, leading the way back upstairs.
"What if it stops being a game?"
Naruto snorted at that. "That's hardly likely."
Gaara sighed. That was unfortunately true. Naruto had a way of making relationships seem like competitions. The only reason he even bothered dating people was if
they happened to be a challenge.
Gaara knew it had something to do with his first girlfriend but seeing as how Naruto hadn't bothered letting out all the details, Gaara and the rest only maintained their
vast hatred of the girl. It also eased their righteous indignation when they'd found out that each of them had done something to her, and kept it a secret from Naruto.
While Kiba had gone for the petty issue of keying her car and leaving a stink bomb in her kitchen vent, the rest of them had taken a subtler, but more damaging,
"Wanna watch tv?"
Gaara sighed and followed Naruto up the steps, nodding his assent.
(I am a British page break. I have an obsession with tea)
Morning found them all rushing to class, paying the price for their night of 'turd-hunting' as Kiba so charmingly called it.
Naruto sat heavily in his seat, Sasuke moving calmly into the seat beside him.
"For someone who woke up after me and also ran like hell up all those stairs, you're looking suspiciously composed," Naruto grumbled.
Sasuke simply smirked at him. "Uchihas don't sweat."
"You poor sods," the blond said sympathetically, ignoring Sasuke's indignant huff.
"Good morning class!"
Naruto sighed at Genma's excited greeting.
He was a firm believer in the swift execution of morning people. He was actually considering becoming president so he could ban pre-noon anything. Unless it was
shagging, cause really, that was a pretty decent way to start a day.
"Today," Genma whispered dramatically. "We will learn all about curves! Get your mind out of the gutter Ishida-"
"-I mean curves on buildings and on paper and in life. No, this won't be the physical curves of the buxom Miss Kurenai although I'd sell all your souls for a glimpse of
that. No one tell Asuma I said that. That means you, Ishida-"
"-so today we will be drawing arches, the angles necessary to make them in bed-"
"-oh calm down and pull up your virgin knickers Ishida, I'm only kidding. Anyway, get out your notebooks and we'll begin with seeing what all those important old farts
did without any prior mathematical knowledge of design."
The lecture was two hours long and by the time it was done, Genma had thoroughly offended Ishida's sensibilities.
Ishida Genryu was Genma's favourite student in that anything he could blame the students on, he could blame on Ishida. Maybe it was the nerdy glasses or the fact
that Ishida looked like he was probably the next Bill Gates but Genma wanted to be sure the boy remembered him when he was some executive big shot somewhere.
Naruto figured Ishida would hire a hit man to take care of Genma the moment he could afford it.
"Excuse me, sir," Naruto said, getting Genma's attention from staring out the window at where Professor Kurenai was walking. Naruto could appreciate the beauty
there and grudgingly respected Genma's abhorrent worship of her body.
"What's up, kid?"
The rest of the class had rushed out the moment they could, desperate for normalcy.
Sasuke stood behind Naruto, not looking the least bit interested in the conversation but not willing to leave and face the fangirls all by himself.
"We need a patron."
"It's for a club," the blond cleared up, sighing.
"Oh, I remember. That bet you kids made, something about offering the greatest sex ever or your money back..."
"It's dates, not sex," Naruto replied. "We aren't prostitutes."
"Really?" Genma asked, looking disappointed. "I rather think you'd make a lot more money if you were."
"Er...we'll keep it as a last resort, you know, if this university thing doesn't work out."
"Good, good," Genma nodded, staring intently at the two boys. "It's always important to keep all your options open."
"Ah, yes." Naruto said, holding back a snort. "Anyway, here's our information and the current state of the bet and who's involved."
Genma took the small stack of papers from Naruto and signed where Naruto pointed, before giving Naruto back his own copy.
"Let me know when you need me, then. I've gone to try convince Kurenai to attend jury duty."
"There is a trial in my pants," Genma confided. "And she has been summoned."
As the lecturer strode out the door, Naruto and Sasuke stared at him.
"He's the best we could get?" Sasuke asked.
"I never implied that."
"He didn't even ask any questions."
Naruto sighed. "He probably agreed simply cause Iruka already told him not to. He's special like that."
"He's special all right," Sasuke muttered.
(I am a book page break. I hate the internet)
"Where the hell have you two been?" Kiba asked when Naruto and Sasuke entered the 'court room' looking haggard. "Were you having sex? You can give me details if
Attending moot court had become a sort of tradition for the group and everyone, except for Hinata who had class during lunch, attended the trials.
"No," Sasuke glared at Kiba. "We were too busy dodging fan girls with skirts high enough to advertise and heels that looked like they had some serious boomerang
action in them."
"Oh," Kiba said, sounding disappointed. "My fangirls were all in class."
Naruto patted his head as Ibiki motioned for Sasuke to come forward. Ino had 'volunteered' the Uchiha as judge, sure he would not be bribed like Naruto, even if it was
a fake cheque.
"Where's Sakura?" Naruto asked, watching the way Sasuke's ass moved as he walked toward the front to the judge's seat.
Naruto spotted Gaara standing in the front, smirking at a irritated Ino. The girl had to relax and stop taking school so seriously.
Ino shot Naruto a glare when he waved and he shrunk back into his seat. Kiba chuckled by him.
"She's here as Ino's client."
"She's suing..." Kiba sighed. "Actually, I'm not exactly sure who she's suing. It could be the government, the world or everyone who eats cheese snacks. Or
Kiba nodded at the front as Sasuke cleared his throat and spoke, "Let's skip all the nonsense telling me what this case is about and who is legally screwing over who
and get to the opening statements."
Ino nodded and motioned to Sakura who looked troubled and wronged.
"Your honour, in a world where discrimination is rife and not only people but objects are treated differently, there is need to put a stop to all the judging and just
embrace and accept even the smallest of similarities. It is with this just and completely rational thought that my client demands that Buritos be added to the famous
'Ito" food group."
Sasuke looked suitably lost. "The...Ito food group?"
"Yes," Ino nodded. "For years there has been discrimination involved in this very group and we would like to put a stop to it. Is there no justice in our country? That
"What the hell is an 'Ito group'?" Sasuke asked, frowning.
"Well," Ino said, stepping forward and ignoring Gaara's amused smirk. "It is a group that currently consists of Cheetos, Fritos and Doritos."
Sasuke stared at her for a long, hard moment.
"Bailiff," Sasuke said imperiously, turning to the student dressed like an officer. "Arrest that woman," he waved in Sakura's direction with his gavel. "Court adjourned."
Ino protested loudly. "That's unfair! She-"
"Miss Yamanaka," Sasuke said slowly. "Buritos are in no way delicious corn snacks and will not be allowed into the Ito food group."
"You haven't even heard our case!"
"It's a stupid case. You'd lose."
"You pompous, self-righteous-"
"Arrest her too bailiff," Sasuke ordered.
As the bailiff dragged away an irate Ino and a calm Sakura, Naruto turned to Kiba. "You ever think that maybe we should have taken up law, too?"
Kiba nodded slowly.
Ibiki shot Sasuke a harried glance but motioned for his students to be quiet while he explained that while not all cases would make sense and not all judges would be
as rude as Sasuke... there would be some who'd act exactly like him.
"Maybe I should go into acting," Sasuke smirked as he sat back down by Naruto and ignored the next case which Ibiki was introducing as a domestic one.
"You enjoy role-play then?" The blond teased.
Dark eyes stared intently into blue ones before Sasuke leaned in and licked a slow strip up Naruto's neck. "How about we both pretend to be horny college students
and have wild, steamy sex?"
Everyone turned to stare at Kiba who was standing and blushing furiously from his outburst even as he waved them off saying, "I just...really wanted to know about
this type of case," he cleared his throat. "Thanks Professor Ibiki..."
Sasuke and Naruto chuckled as the eyes went back to face the front and Kiba glared at them.
"Are you sure you're straight?" Sasuke asked Kiba, staring at his crotch as if it would have a gay flag stuck in it as proof.
"I don't know anymore," the boy sighed. "But I think I might be a BL fan boy."
Naruto patted his head soothingly. "Hey, that doesn't mean you like to take it up the ass."
Kiba looked up at him hopefully. "Really? You think so?"
"Thanks," Kiba hugged him. "You're the best."
Sasuke rolled his eyes and turned to watch the next case as Gaara cross-examined a witness mercilessly.
"He is really in his element, huh?"
Naruto hummed in answer, also watching his red-haired friend. "He's hot when he's
in lawyer mode."
The blond completely missed the look Sasuke gave him.
"What's this case about?" Naruto asked Kiba.
Kiba chuckled, "Listen."
For the second moot court case, a dark-skinned boy, Naruto vaguely remembered his name being Mugen or something, was apparently suing his boyfriend, Jin, and
being his own lawyer.
"Your honour, my so-called boyfriend lied to me about his sexual prowess prior to our dating. I'm suing him for...false advertising or something."
"Or something?" Ino asked, amused. She had been chosen as the next judge. Sasuke suspected it was just so Ibiki would get her to shut up.
"Yes," Mugen continued hotly. "He managed to fail appallingly to satisfy me during sex."
The other looked infinitely bored and pushed his glasses back up his face.
He was kind of cute, Naruto noted.
Mugen was indignant, apparently quite irritated at Jin's indifference and shouted, "It's like he only keeps me around for the cleaning and the sex!"
Ino glanced at Jin. "Is that true?"
Jin raised an eyebrow at that and said, "Of course not. The sex is awful."
Ino was reprimanded for chuckling at that by Ibiki and the cases continued.
(I am an American page break. My blood is coffee-flavoured)
After their afternoon classes, Naruto drove them all to the third year hostels. He left everyone in the car, telling Sasuke he trusted him to make sure they all behaved
Gaara had looked amused at Sasuke's indignant expression but Sakura had grinned widely, obviously going to make the time she had with Sasuke as irritating as
possible, a feat Kiba would no doubt help out with.
When they reached the door, Naruto nodded at it and smiled at Ino.
"Here we are," he said triumphantly. "Our newest member."
Ino stared from the door back to Naruto and back to the door.
"You can't be serious."
Naruto gave her an amused look. "Well, I actually meant the person I'm hoping to find beyond the door and not the door itself."
"Ha-bloody-ha," she muttered. "I know who lives here."
Naruto looked surprised. "Really?"
"The date I went on for the dare-"
"You'll have to be more specific."
"The only one," she deadpanned.
Naruto smirked. "I see he left an impression."
Before Ino could smack him, Naruto opened the door, barging in without knocking.
The room was empty. Both beds were neatly made and the computers were off.
"Okay, first, barging in like that is not cool. Second, no one's here so lets go."
"They wouldn't have left their room unlocked if they were gone," Naruto pointed out.
Naruto motioned at the only other door there and Ino frowned. Before she could leave however, the door swung open and that lazy ass, Chouji's roommate stepped
out from the bathroom with steam billowing out behind him.
He looked mildly surprised to see them but did not seem overly concerned.
His hair was wet and falling about his face and his whole body was dripping. Ino found herself blushing as she noticed he had abs over the towel that was
unfortunately covering his important bits.
Still, while it wasn't like she hadn't seen abs before- hell, she was surrounded by good-looking fit guys but they all seemed so...in her friend box' and were probably all
gay (Kiba especially)- she had stared at them so much they no longer had any effect on her. But this boy...this man was unbelievably-
"Can I help you?"
Ino immediately raised her eyes to his face, "Er..."
Shikamaru looked at Naruto and smiled. "Naruto, it's been awhile."
Naruto grinned and moved forward from where he'd been snooping through Shikamaru's stuff.
"Yeah, it has," he stood by Ino. "You met Ino right?"
Shikamaru nodded. "Of course, she was Chouji's date that time."
Ino seemed flattered he still remembered her.
"She was impressively threatening."
Ino frowned at that, huffing silently as Shikamaru grabbed a towel and started to dry his hair. The boy might have had killer abs but he was rude as hell and pretty lazy
if she remembered correctly.
"Where's Chouji?" Ino asked, hopeful that it was the large boy and not his roommate who was necessary for whatever geek activity Naruto needed him for.
"Out," Shikamaru answered simply.
"I need your help," Naruto said plainly, making himself confortable on Shikamaru's bed.
"Hacking into Akatsuki?"
Naruto nodded, looking pleased.
Shikamaru smiled. "No problem, I saw their video of you guys. It was hilarious. I think it went viral last night."
"Lovely," Ino muttered.
Shikamaru smirked. "Anything else?"
"Uh..." Naruto frowned, wondering if he'd forgotten anything.
"We need a new member for an ongoing challenge against Akatsuki," Ino stepped in.
Shikamaru looked at her and smiled, a soft, lazy smile. "Sure, why not?"
Ino smiled triumphantly back and nodded. "Then get dressed and come with us. The others are waiting downstairs."
"Are you sure you don't want me to come down like this? You seem to enjoy conversing with my chest."
Ino blushed brightly and glared at the boy. "I'll be downstairs."
She slammed the door behind her.
Naruto chuckled and watched Shikamaru as the guy dried off and got dressed.
"So...you like Ino, huh?"
Shikamaru snorted as he pulled a shirt over his head. "I don't know the girl."
"And yet, you've bothered speaking to her and even accepted to help."
"Did you want me to refuse?"
"No," Naruto chuckled, following Ino out the room. "But I expected it."
Shikamaru sighed, going after his old friend.
Ino avoided Shikamaru's gaze as he was introduced to everyone and when he smirked at her, she scowled back at him.
They drove back to the house in Ino's SUV and when they got there, Naruto announced that the first order of business was taking naps.
"Then why did you come get me?" Shikamaru asked irritably. "Shouldn't you have napped first?"
Naruto gave him a dry look. "Hinata isn't here yet and you enjoy sleeping. I really don't see how this is a problem."
Shikamaru sighed and took a patch of carpet by Naruto while the others all went to their rooms.
(I am an Australian page break. Crikey!)
The afternoon had apparently decided to take an unexpected turn by the time they all woke up.
Kiba and Sakura were the first people in the kitchen, wanting to rummage up some late lunch and had stumbled upon the basket placed in the middle of the kitchen
Moving closer to inspect it in case there were goodies, they both froze.
And stayed frozen until everyone else came in and helped stare into the basket.
Only Naruto was missing and they weren't overly concerned by that, all of them being somewhat at a loss as to what to do.
"It's a baby..." Kiba whispered finally.
"And Captain Obvious strikes again..." Sasuke muttered.
Kiba was staring at the baby in the basket like it was the missing link in man's evolution and held the answers to life's greatest questions. It was just a matter of time
before he tied it down and started asking about government cover-ups.
Naruto walked into his kitchen looking unkempt and still half-asleep after the procurement of Shikamaru. It was almost four in the afternoon and he had never been so
glad he had no late afternoon classes on a Wednesday.
He had shuffled groggily into the kitchen, mumbling about food and completely ignoring the group of people huddled around his kitchen table.
He pulled up a seat, picked up a knife and fork and stared at the baby-filled basket on his table.
His friends stared at him, wondering just how sleepy he was and how long it would take for his sleep-muddled brain to process the fact that-yes, indeed- there was a
baby on his kitchen table, gurgling happily in its little basket.
The blond blinked slowly at the baby, the fork in his hand twitching slightly before he turned to Kiba and said, "Pass me the ketchup."
The silence that followed that sentence greatly resembled the silence that preceded it- at least, until the ringing sound of Naruto being slapped evened it out.
He pressed a hand to his cheek and glared at Sakura, now fully awake, "What the hell?"
She glared right back at him. "There is a baby on your table and you want to eat it?"
"I swear I was gonna offer you some," he grumbled and ducked her next swing. "Look," Naruto bit back a yawn. "I must obviously still be asleep but for some reason,
your slaps still hurt like hell so please stop."
"You'd eat a baby in your dreams?" Sakura growled.
Naruto shook his head, backing away from the table and into Hinata who'd been watching the scene while eating a small tub of ice-cream. "I'm awake, aren't I?"
Hinata's solemn nod assured him of that and he turned to Kiba.
"Okay Kiba, who did you knock up?"
"Don't play dumb. Was it that crazy girl who was obsessed with cabbages?"
"Okay, first, that was in Avatar and it was a man," Kiba supplied drily. "And second, I didn't get any girl pregnant."
"You sure?" Ino asked, teasing.
"I'm pretty sure," Kiba deadpanned.
"Impotent?" Gaara smirked.
The baby gurgled cutely before Kiba could strangle Gaara and they all turned back to it.
Shikamaru and Sasuke were watching the baby with suspicion, like it was secretly a spy and would emerge from the basket with bibs of fury and kill them all. Or
They were probably suffering from over-exposure to Kiba.
Gaara was simply staring at it blankly, like he was wont to do and Kiba was now looking at it from a safe distance.
The girls however, were staring at it like it was a sign that they must all procreate soon. Even Hinata put down her icecream to come closer and coo at the baby.
"He's so cute," Sakura sighed when the baby made a high pitched cry.
"Mm, yes," Naruto said, stifling a yawn. "Can it go be cute somewhere else? I'm hungry."
At Sakura's glare, he relented and smiled charmingly. "Okay, okay...so where did the baby come from?"
Gaara smirked. "You see Naruto, when a man and a woman love each other very much-"
"Or are just really horny-" Kiba added with a grin.
"Don't go into that, there's a kid in the room," Ino admonished.
"Which means no swearing," Sakura added, pointedly staring at Kiba who put his hands up in a peace gesture.
"So where's it from?" Naruto asked.
"First," Hinata answered. "He's a boy and second," She held up a plain black card with red clouds on it. "Akatsuki."
"Oh my gosh, they're human traffickers!" Kiba hissed.
"Hardly likely," Sakura said after smacking him. "Does anyone other than Kiba think they have something intelligent to say?"
"What do we do with the kid?" Gaara asked, not souding overly concerned. "It's a problem having him around, even if we do know he belongs to Akatsuki."
Sasuke took a step back from the table. "I would suggest the judicious use of violence or sex. And if those don't work, just throw money at the problem."
Naruto snorted, "I doubt the baby will be bribed. Or spanked. And sex may just create another little problem."
"I had no idea you had a vagina."
"Quiet down," Sakura huffed.
The knock on the door and subsequent opening made Naruto look at Kiba. he was the only one who didn't understand the point of waiting for someone to tell him to
When he was sure that Kiba was indeed standing there, he looked at the figure that appeared in his doorway with a mischievous smile on his face.
"Who is that?" Ino asked, eyeing the guy shamelessly.
The man had long red hair and had it tied back lazily. He had dark brown eyes and a toned, fit body, clothed simply in jeans, sneakers and a t-shirt.
Naruto smiled and walked toward him, "Kyuubi, what are you-"
The sexy redhead grabbed his little brother and gave him a crushing hug.
"Hey kid," he greeted. "How ya been?"
Naruto struggled out of his brother's embrace. "Pretty good actually. Now, what are you doing here?"
"Came to get little Kira over there," Kyuubi answered, walking to the table and taking the basketed baby. "I swear Konan plays these forced babysitting tricks for
"A woman left her baby here on purpose?" Kiba asked incredulously.
The girls were too busy ogling the man to add in anything and even Sasuke seemed pretty lost for words. Shikamaru was leaning against the counter and had
apparently fallen asleep while standing up.
Kyuubi nodded. "Yeah, she needed to go on a date with her husband and decided she'd make you guys babysit as part of a bogus challenge."
Naruto, Kiba and Gaara all suddenly scowled at Kyuubi.
"Challenge?" Naruto asked, his voice dangerously low.
Kyuubi nodded, backing away and holding the baby in front of him like a shield. "I'll just be going now."
"You utter bastard!" Naruto yelled. "You're in Akatsuki too?"
Kyuubi winked as he practically bolted out the door with the baby and basket in his arms. "See you later, little brother!"
"I'm going to kill him," Gaara stated, picking up a knife and staring at the door.
"No," Naruto said, looking affronted. "He's my brother. I get to kill him first."
Kiba stared at the girls who were still catatonic and sighed.
"He's gone ladies. You can stop trying to rape him with your minds."
Sakura blinked and turned to Naruto. "All I can say about your brother...Damn."
"I'd give up food to have him for just one night," Hinata said with a sigh.
"I can not believe I've never met him befotre," Ino frowned, before grabbing Naruto and shaking him furiously. "You were hiding your extremely hot brother from me! Is
there any other devastatingly gorgeous family member I should know about? HUH?"
Naruto smiled uneasily. "Uh...women say my dad's pretty hot."
"He still married to your mom?"
"Yes," the boy deadpanned.
Ino let him go and composed herself.
Naruto turned to Sasuke, the only one- apart from Shikamaru- who hadn't made any comment on Kyuubi.
"Your brother is really hot," Sasuke said matter-of-factedly.
So much for that.
Naruto scowled at him. "Yeah, so I've heard."
Sasuke smirked and walked passed Naruto, pausing long enough to whisper, "You're way hotter."
Naruto shivered slightly at the warm breath on his ear and held back a smile.
Kiba tried to kick Shikamaru awake only to have his leg caught and thrown. Sakura pointed and laughed while the others all started making sandwiches with Sasuke
doing nothing as he sat by an equally useless Shikamaru on the counter.
Naruto chuckled as he watched the crazy people in his kitchen.
(I am a Victorian double entendre page break. Call me Master Bates)
It took all of twenty minutes with Shikamaru and Gaara for Naruto to finally obtain all the information he could on Akatsuki, including members, personalities, dreams,
whether they were democrats or republicans, what the planned to have for dinner that day and even whether they were for harry potter or lord of the rings.
A triumphant group of people sat on the carpeted floor of Naruto's living room, listening and passing commentary as Naruto read the Facebook profiles of the twelve
members of Akatsuki:
(1) Name: Pein Master*
Occupation: Businessman. Piercings expert. Exhume specialist. Husband.
Likes: pain. *the kinky bastard*
Favourite music: Rock and roll (quoted often as saying: "not that 'rock' crap these children listen to , Nickelback, my ass. Yes, I'd like my nickel back so I can buy some *
Favourite books: Misery, Paradise Lost
Favourite movie: Judge Dread.
Favourite quote: Sure I can pierce that, too.
Profile written by: Sasori
No comments offered by Pein. He's busy plotting evil.
(2) Name: Konan Master*
Occupation: Businesswoman. Working mother. Origami-ist. Master of the paper plane. Wife.
Likes: puppies, rainbows, sunshine.
Dislikes: puppies, rainbows, sunshine.
Favourite music: opera.
Favourite book: Eat, pray, love. *Then Eat again.*
Favourite movie: I don't know how she does it.
Favourite quote: Paper beats rock.
Profile written by: Kisame
No comments offered by Konan. She flushed his pet fish instead.
(3) Name: Itachi EvilGuy*
Occupation: Businessman. Devil's advocate on weekends.
Likes: torturing Sasuke. blonds.
Dislikes: not torturing Sasuke.
Favourite music: Country, reggae, Barney-sing-a-longs...
Favourite books: How to be Evil, volume I and The secret to World Domination.
Favourite movie: The devil's advocate.
Favourite quote: Your soul is mine.
Profile written by: Hana
Comment by Itachi: "I could kill Kiba as revenge for this..."
(4) Name: Kyuubi Sexgod*
Occupation: Businessman. Demon (in the sack.)
Likes: sex. coitus. copulation. coupling. mating. intercourse. extracourse. Golf course. course.
Dislikes: not getting any.
Favourite song: Sexual healing.
Favourite movie: Porn.
Favourite books: Sex and where to find it.
Favourite quote(s): Harder. Faster. More. Don't stop.
Profile by Kyuubi.
Comment by Kyuubi.
(5) Name: Hana ThatGirl*
Likes: animals, family, the world.
Favourite music: Anything by Mozart.
Favourite book: See Spot Run.
favourite movie: Cats and dogs.
Favourite quote: All dogs go to heaven. except for Kyuubi. that bastard.
Profile written by: Orochimaru
No comments by Hana. She slapped him instead.
(6) Name: Kisame Trout*
Likes: sushi, big ass swords
Dislikes: fish jokes.
Favourite music: Fish me (that's not even a real song, Deidara!)
Favourite movie: Shark bait, Finding Nemo *and eating him*
Favourite book: The Great White.
Favourite quote: Give a man a fish and he's fed for a day. Teach him how to fish and he goes overboard, gets bitten by a toxic fish and becomes a fish-powered super
hero! (you suck. I'm going to enjoy killing you)
Profile written by: Deidara
Comments in brackets by Kisame
(7) Name: Deidara Henna*
Occupation: Businessman. Bomb specialist.
Likes: hair care. being a transvestite. (screw you, Itachi)
Dislikes: admitting his hair is actually an extension. (this is my real hair, asshole)
Favourite song: Whip my hair.
Favourite books: Rapunzel. (Oh, ha ha)
Favourite movie: Transformers, all war movies
Favourite quote: No, I will not let down my hair! Use the stairs! And this is my REAL hair! *In reply to: Deidara, deidara, let down your weave!"* (pfft, you just wish
your hair was as luxurious as mine)
Profile written by: Itachi
Comments in brackets by Deidara
(8) Name: Tobi GoodBoy*
Occupation: Businessman. Mind Reader.
Likes: being annoying. (aw, you noticed...)
Dislikes: having a life. (harsh)
Favourite music: techno.
Favourite books: I can't read. (Bloody funny Hidan)
Favourite movie: Forrest Gump (you're seriously pushing it...)
Favourite quote: Tobi is a good boy. ( I said that ONCE! and I was drunk!)
Profile written by: Hidan
Comments in brackets by Tobi
(9) Name: Hidan Nutter*
Occupation: Businessman. Acupuncturist. Masochist. Sadist. Misogynist. HateManKind-ist.
Likes: Zombies. Pain. Sharp, pointy things. Evil voodoo rituals. Swearing.
Dislikes: Not being a dick.
Favourite music: Chanting.
Favourite book: The World's Greatest Serial Killers.
favourite movie: All zombie movies.
Favourite quote: Fuck you.
Profile written by: Konan.
Hidan's comments on the above profile: "Fuck you, Konan."
(10) Name: Sasori Sand*
Occupation: Businessman. Puppeteer.
Likes: playing with dolls. (they are puppets, you imbecile)
Dislikes: sharing his dolls (I don't want you fapping with them, you pervert)
Favourite music: Jazz.
Favourite books: pinnochio (thought real hard on that one, did you Kakuzu?)
Favourite movie: The sound of music.
Favourite quote: I want to be a real boy.
Profile written by: Kakuzu
Comments in brackets by Sasori
(11) Name: Kakuzu MoneyBucks*
Occupation: Businessman. Heart surgeon.
Dislikes: paying for shit.
Favourite music: The sound of coins jiggling together in his pockets.
Favourite book: The Grinch who saved christmas.
Favourite movie: Slumdog millionaire.
Favourite quote: Pay up.
Profile written by: Pein
Kakuzu's comments on the above profile: "Screw you, Pein. And you owe my five dollars."
(12) Name: Orochimaru SnakeDude*
Occupation: Businessman. Snake rearer. Doctor. Parselmouth.
Likes: Little boys.
Dislikes: Sexual partners his own age. Protective parents who don't leave him with their sons.
Favourite music: Hissing.
Favourite movie: Snakes on a plane.
Favourite book: Arabian nights.
Favourite quote: Psst...oi! Little boy, over here!
Profile written by: Tobi
Orochimaru's comments on the above profile: "You are my next specimen, Tobi."
*Real last names have been withheld because we are bastards like that.
(I am the lonely island page break. I threw it on the ground!)
"So what do we do next?" Ino asked, stifling a yawn when they were done reading what she thought were some pretty retarded profiles.
"I thought you needed to have nine members..." Shikamaru stated.
"So shouldn't you be finding your last member?"
Ino blushed at his matter-of-fact tone and stretched out on the carpet next to Gaara. "I suppose. But we don't know what kind of person to look for or if we can just
"I don't think it matters," Naruto said. "Besides, I'm still stuck on the fact that two of my family members are in Akatsuki."
"You're not the only one," Sasuke muttered, thinking about his evil brother and equally evil, but mostly annoying cousin, Tobi.
Kiba, on the other hand, was impressed by the confirmation that his sister was in the group responsible for their current situation.
Shikamaru yawned loudly. "I think we should get someone who can help get back at each of them. That's the next part of the challenge, isn't it? Getting back at them?"
"Yes," Naruto grinned. "I know just the guy!"
"Who?" the others asked warily.
"You're kidding," Hinata deadpanned.
"Remember all those pranks he pulled on your seniors in your first year at K.T to get back at them for their hazing?" he asked Hinata.
Hinata paused, actually considering it.
Sasuke smiled slowly. "Those were some pretty good pranks."
Hinata chuckled. "I can't believe I forgot about those."
"Maybe it was because Neji became a horny bugger after that," Naruto offered. "But still, when he holds a grudge, he does it with style."
"Wait," Sasuke turned to Naruto. "How did you know about Neji's stunts?"
Naruto gave him a funny look. "Neji, Hinata and me go way back. We were once neighbours, actually."
Sasuke stared. "I don't remember ever meeting you."
"And I don't remember ever meeting you either," Naruto said with a laugh. "But maybe that's because we never met. I remember Neji mentioning you once or twice but
other than that... And there's also the fact that I remember Itachi being friends with my brother."
"All these connections and yet we've never met," Sasuke mumbled, staring at Naruto.
The blond gave him a lazy smile. "Maybe if we'd met earlier..."
Sasuke raised an eyebrow at that.
Naruto leaned forwards and-
"We're still in the room, guys," Sakura said with a sigh.
Kiba swore under his breath. "Here's a suggestion, Sakura. Maybe next time, you should just look away."
"Are you sure you're straight?" Sakura scoffed, rolling her eyes at the boy.
Kiba sneered at her. "No Pinkie, you don't do it for me."
Before Sakura could slap him silly, Shikamaru coughed and stood. "I'm headed back to my hostel. Chouji's probably wondering where I am."
Naruto nodded and stood, winking at Sasuke before turning back to Shikamaru. "I'll give you a ride back."
(I am a yaoi page break. I like lemons and lime)
The next day, Neji stared at his room mate and at the seven people behind him, five of them trying for the puppy-dog eye and two looking unconcerned.
"Come on, Neji," Sasuke sighed. "Do it for the hair care products."
Naruto, seeing Sasuke was failing appallingly at convincing Neji, stepped forward.
"How about we also include you in our dating agency bet."
Neji raised an eyebrow at that, a sign for Naruto to keep talking.
Naruto grinned, stepping closer to Neji and whispering in his ear.
Neji's eyes widened and after a moment, when the blond stood back, he nodded. "Alright, I'll join you."
Naruto was careful not to look back at his friends or at Sasuke, lest he give away any signs that he'd just offered to help Neji to get his best friend's ass for a dare.
Gaara was going to kill him.
Gaara needed to get laid anyway.
And if girls weren't doing it for him, maybe...
All their classes were done and the only reason all of them were in Sasuke's room was so they could tie Neji up if he refused and carry him out as an unwilling member.
Ino hid the rope behind her as Naruto and Sasuke led Neji out of the room.
They were ready.
( I am an end of chapter page break. Kiss me)
A/N: Shorter than usual, so sue me. (I'm broke. HA!)
For those concerned that I've been ignoring the dates, I apologise if it seems that way, I haven't. Sasuke and Hinata however, are judges only and will not date
for the KDA bet unless drastic action calls for it. Which isn't to say they will not dare-date for any other reason *mysterious smirk*.
Also, yeah sure, I mentioned a thousand dates but COME ON! That's a thousand chapters you want from me? Are you nuts? Don't you see me failing to update
under twenty chapters? *laughs hysterically* thousand dates, my ass...
I'll put up the dates if I think up any awesome ones...otherwise you'll just be reading about them doing boring stuff, like on normal dates...not that normal dates
are boring...(even though they are... Okay, no, it depends on the company)
Sighcoe: I'm glad. I hope this one made you smile as well. KibaXShion, huh? There's an idea...
kikyotwosoul: Do I love you? Hehe *awkward pause* Um...sure... Motherload lemon? LOL, if I can actually manage to write a good one. I never like any of the lemony
scenes I write. I *will finish this fic. eventually.
Kaila Azroth: Neji will die if he cops a feel from Gaara right now XD Your inner horny is a force to be reckoned with. Er...*small voice* please don't rape me.
Charlie Uzumaki: I'm glad you like them. Marvel comics should really look into creating them, don't you think?
Kiyomi-Chan7: Good guess XD Er...I updated, so that's something right?
Mrs. UchihaUzumaki: Haha, sorry no. Though I did consider Sai :D
Lady Kinght Keladry: Don't worry, I haven't actually forgotten about the original dare (the dates) and they will continue...along with the Akatsuki challenge (I'll make it work, haha). Although, to be fair, this is only the second week since the dare happened and the weekend is coming up so yeah...
KyuuKitsunex3: hooray! Thanks so much :D
Daisy Holden: Congratulations on mentioning most of the Akatsuki members even though i asked for the Konoha guys, LOL!
Izzy: Hey, you have the same name as my iPod! *author is so lame she names all her gadgets* I have so updated in ages! *pouts* Haha, nice guess but sorry. i have other plans for Shino *wink*
harry-styles-is-my-dad: First, who'd harry styles? Hehe...second, I am very happy I figured it out as well XD We enjoy torturing you readers. duh. THANKYOU SMARTCAT!
kittyperfect: You got it right...ish. No Shion! And that was three guesses, ya cheater! Haha :P
: Nope. But Neji was right :) Thank you. I love Jinata like this, too XD I don't mind, knock yourself out. Yes, yes she is. Will do :)
Sasukeluver: UNDERAGE! I'm gonna get arrested for yaoi-philia or something... Oh well.
xSasuNaruYaoix: Thank you! Pissing yourself *twice very chapter? A new record! I'm impressed.
kittyA192: They *do need their own tv show, don't they? haha, thanks and you are welcome XD I'm too lazy to make them bring back his furniture! Even in my writing, I'm a bum. I enjoy writing the law bits. the cue cards are fun, too. My Kiba loves you too.
ThyRosexThorns: I hate staring forlornly at missing "next" buttons. And it's weird how I just keep staring even though I'm not staring at anything cause they are missing... Does that mean I have super powers? Kiba is probably a closet everything, haha.
Maybe if you're lucky I'll put in a chapter about how they saved people. Or make it a oneshot when I'm done with the fic, haha! Wrong guess! I hope my insanely diabolical mind continues to impress you.
Lixam Yukimura: *spasm* thanks... You'd probably lose with Ino...I'm jus saying... Gaara has never lost a case, though.
Chaoschaser01: Thankyou, sorry for the long wait... (long for you, not for me) Ooh, sorry, no Shino.
Calxes Ayrie: I think this story may actually love you...haha, yeah, the summary does seem kind of dull so I'll have to think up something better. Any ideas? Glad you were bored, though XD
Leila Tasuki: Nope! *evil laughter* haha, this is a yaoi fic, your reviews are probably *expected to be so much, for all those reviews.
Byakko Kitsunetsuki: YAY! LOVE! thank you! hope you came back to life...
Crowfether: damn that was a lot of OMGs...I'm not letting this fic go, no worries.
Darkangelus: I will :3
victimofmywoes: Ooh, I approve of shameless giggles *gives you thumbs up* i lack angst? Me? Akatsuki will always be evil...deliciously so. Too many guesses, disqualified! *zaps you*
AuphePuck girl: tell your neighbours to stuff it (if they aren't the violent type). Maybe Betsy was off rescuing cars somewhere. You never know. I will keep bloody writing!
14: and there i was thinking you were drawer 13... YESSS! CORRECT!
The White Order: Damn, I really haven't updated in ages, huh? Haha, so you like my story, huh? :3 I'm glad you liked the fic so much, I enjoyed reading your review XD *bows*
The Black Order: YAY! Ah yes, the cockblocker, a fangirl's worst enemy *nods seriously* haha, you got it WRONG! But I've got something special planned for Sai (don't tell the others).
poisonpensumi: Good, I had no idea you were down...should I suggest prozac and my consultation bill?
Apocalyptic Cake: Damn, that must be some pretty awesome cake. The ninja was obviously in the loo. You should have waited a little longer. I hope you ate that sad piece of toast. No point wasting good toast, its emotions be damned. The cards are MINE! *looks at your wallet* um, its empty. *glares at you from the ground* I swear, one day, a fangirl glomp might kill me.
Kyas179: They might *Shhh!*
subarashiitosuto: thanks, that's what I was going for, hard laughter. Oh, Shikamaru can bother, with just the right amount of incentive.
Rei Uta: Yes, I did and I am! Teachers *are evil, aren't they? HA! Button 2 is on vacation. Would you like anything else?
narutofweak: Ah yes, fighting crime while looking like a moron... it certainly comes in handy... I mean, look at Batman. No, sorry. The universal remote works by *mumble mumble* I get it all on eBay :D They're on special to lazy authors, like myself. Your last idea actually gave me an awesome idea for a chapter so thank you for that! Even though you were just asking a question, I was pummelled mercilessly by a plot bunny until I begged for mercy...and decided to incorporate it into the fic. I hope you recognise it when it appears...
luvablekrazaechild101: THANKS SO MUCH!
OhSnapSasuke: Itachi *is pretty awesome... YES! CORRECT!
Eiri-Shuichi: Thanks, hopefully I can.
MizukiMiyako: haha, you perv! Questions will be answered...*consults crystal ball*...eventually.
mochiusagi: Nope, sorry. Because Sakura is a cockblocker. It's what she does.
sox mix: Nice way to order me around *pouts* And you're welcome.
wakawaka22: Yes, yes he is XD
YamiPimpster: I aim to please =3 thanks so much. Still love Ino?
book hippie: The hospital said I must place separate insurance on each of the buttons. You think they might be ripping me off? Watermelon means grinding? REALLY? *sees I wrote it* Oh...uh...yes? hooray for weird compliments.
BurnLikeAFlame: thanks, I'll try ever so hard *evil grin*
Nanami Of Falling Snow: Mhmm...I hope so.
chocolate-strawberry-leaf: Sakura was actually a big help in saving the day... Evil Sasuke! Why can't he just bang Naruto! HUH? *realises I could make em do just that* Hm...
Lunarious1000: I *did update quickly, didn't I? *happy* Well, I'll assume you mean your sister missed. It's not like Tenten has great aim. Doesn't she just throw knives around all willy-nilly?WRONG! BWAHAHA-cough, sputter, choke...HA!
raj: CORRECT! and I dunno why Sakura is being so anti-lemon...*sigh*
kanazerosukenaru: CORRECT! There's a cockblocker award! I demand that it be MINE!
popette: aww...poor tummy *gives arsenic* drink this and you'll never have a tummy ache again. Promise. Haha, thanks for the review =3
smart cat: CORRECT! Also, THANKYOUUU!
Corrupted Charlie: Wrong *hands over lolly pop as compensation*
Kono-kun: No. thanks for lé reviews (notice my awesome french).
Mystique Monique aka Mina: Yeah...I love Kiba too.
Shiro Sakka: My awesomeness is awesomer(ier) than yours! I'll see if I can put that in for you... fingers crossed.
xXxXxRoxasFanGirlxXxXx: Oooh, no. Cockblocking powers are great and terrible powers and need proper responsibility, like Sakura has. Haha, I'm glad. That's what I was going for...
wishing-conscious: Thank you.
runoutofaname: Thanks, glad you liked it.
Juura99: Randomical is so not a cool super hero name. But your powers are great, I bow before your random reviews. The Laptop of youth? You stole Lee's laptop, didn't you? I'm loving the potato sack outfit (hobo chic, very nice). The crowd really hates Sakura huh? *stares at crowd holding nukes with Sakura's face on them* of course, I'm just guessing at that... The sheer moronic idea that is that band...*sigh* you're right, with all the idiots around, it would probably work. I'll go grab my musical brick. Um...*backing away from you* please put your pants back on, their genius is leaking. Maybe you went overboard at the genius-purchase store? That was a cricket, not a frog. And you stepped on it.
dashllee: Yes! Making people laugh is just one more step on my step-ladder to world domina- er...I mean...happiness and fun.
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