Authors Note: This one came out of left field and contains pretty mean Dean. I know not my normal mo but with the stress surrounding him Dean gets moody. Plus high levels of bad language. It also contains depressed Sam so you've been warned and also sensitive subjects like self harm. I mention that it may not be pretty. Sammy may be a mess when I get through with him but I always clean him up when I'm done. The lyrics mentioned in the story are Black Lab-This Night and they are the whole inspiration to this so I must, must, must stress to go check the song out. Not only is it an awesome song but a creepy resemblance for Sam. Seriously it's a dead ringer for his life summed up in one song. So if ya have the time go check it out. Thanx Charity
There are things, I have done.
There's a place, I have gone.
There's a beast, And I let it run.
Now it's runnin' my way.
Sam nervously sat in the Impala as his brother rebounded down the road. He was pretending to be asleep…but his sleep was plagued with nightmares upon nightmares of him unmercifully drinking demon blood again. Hell why even call them nightmares, he now enjoyed it. He wanted it. He hasn't craved anything so much. After getting out of the panic room everything went to the way it once was accept somewhat different. They were once in a version of their older selves. Where Dean was laughing and actually cracking jokes and Sam was fueling his fire. Now Dean won't even look at him in the eye. Sam was even ashamed to speak anymore. His occasional nods and muted yes' seem good
enough for Dean and that's how they have been functioning for the last week.
He's noticed that he's been jittery, paranoid and anxious. All in all, he feels like he belongs in a psyche ward instead of stopping the end of the world from happening and he knows that Dean thinks it too. Suddenly his hand began to twitch and he willed it to just stop not wanting to get into another argument with his brother.
"Sam, I know you're not sleeping."
Dean's loud voice had made him jump out of his seat as his heart sped up faster.
Dean responded by jerking the car a bit scared by his younger brother's actions, "Jesus Sam! Are you trying to get us killed?" Dean yelled angrily jerking the car back onto the road as his hands tightened instinctively around the steering wheel.
Sam took one look at Dean's angry posture and shook his head with vigor that was the only answer needed. Dean didn't seem to like lengthy answers or apologies from him so he's learned to just keep his trap shut.
"Well it sure seemed like you were trying. You weren't sleeping so; You know, I honestly didn't really think my company was that bad that you had to friggin' fake sleep." Dean seethed as his knuckles turned white.
Sam turned his head in shame as he realized what Dean must have thought. How low can I slink to jeez? Sam just shook his head again as his eyes remained open. Great he had a fuming brother in the driver's seat and probably a recovering addict in the passenger's seat. What could be better?
Sam breathed a sigh of relief as they made it to their intended destination. It wasn't the least bit appetizing though. The motel was probably rat infested and had beds that were too small and showers that only spurted out cold water but Sam could care less. As long as he could escape the damn tension that surrounded the car he would be fine.
"Man this friggin' place blows." Dean angrily stated as he stalked out of the car looking for a room.
Sam just looked on with wide eyes as he dragged his tired body out of the car looking for a bed. As Sam made sure Dean was already a ways, away from him did he then attempt to get out of the car. Slowly unwinding from the cramped position he had to steady himself as the world began to shift. Colors started to dance around his vision as he squinted up at the sun. He hung onto the top of the Impala for all it was worth as he started to sweat profusely.
His trembles began as the situation started to get out of control. Come on! Get a hold of yourself. You're not going to faint like some wussy. He tried telling himself that but as the minutes dragged on his outer self was begging to differ.
"Come on Sam I actually like to do some research for this hunt sometime today!" Dean's gruff voice shot out.
Sam's head swung round as his trembles stopped for the time being. He didn't know if Dean realized he actually spoke of them researching about a hunt in public or not but he knew it was wise not to ever mention Dean's mistake. Now a days Dean doesn't like to be wrong or admit that he ever was. He swallowed as the saliva pooled in his mouth.
Dean was right we have more important business to do than worry about your sorry ass. Sam looked down as part of his shirt sleeve revealed his pale skin and he suddenly knew why he was so sick. Horrified he pushed the shirt sleeve down and tried to make himself presentable to his brother. Turning to meet his brothers angered face he gave a shaky nod. "So what room are we in?"
Dean shifted through books and books on lore of the apocalypse. Can you believe this crap!? The freakin apocalypse and he's spending a perfectly good Saturday reading dusty old books about it. It's just unfathomable. He's knee deep in the apocalypse and he doesn't know how to dig his way out.
No, he can dig his way out of hell but he can't find a solution to dig his way out of this mess.
He and Sam have been bloodied, battered, and bruised into saying yes and he's sick of this shit. He truly is. How many more times will he have to lock his baby brother up in a panic room and listen to him scream and cry out for big brother's help? Or how many more times does an evil supernatural creature have to tell him shit he already knows like he's dead inside. Which thanks for reminding me famine but I already knew that dickwad.
He breathed in deeply trying to calm his overworked nerves. Getting frustrated and angry wouldn't get him anywhere. Yeah but sitting here on a Saturday night with a brother who only does brooding instead of helping won't help none either.
Dean took a moment to look over at his brother from his perched position on the bed. Sam was hunched over the lap-top typing furiously as his eyes slid back and forth obviously trying to contain every bit of information on the screen. He was beginning to look like the living dead and that wasn't ok. No matter how much of a dick he was being to his brother over the last week he still cared about the damn kid.
He decided that the apocalypse could at least wait for the rest of Saturday night. Tonight was Winchester night.
Throwing the books off his lap he slid off the bed as he made his way over to his brother.
Sam was furiously typing away at the computer. Not for stopping the apocalypse though but for depression.
Sam has read numerous books in his time but he's never really took the time to read up on depression and find out what makes people tick…he finds that article rather interesting. Like whether it will take your wife cheating on you or yourself starting the apocalypse, drinking demon blood, getting detoxed off it but in-habitually drinking it again. In other words how much can one person take till they get pushed? He's pretty certain he's been pushed to his limits here lately.
Dean may not see it. Sam's perfected his mask over the years but he's falling deeper and deeper. From what he's read it says depression could hit you and you probably wouldn't even know it until it starts affecting your actual life. Sam's quite surprised that it took it this long to actually start affecting his actual life. If he's estimated correctly he's probably been depressed since Jess died he just hasn't known it.
Isn't that the saddest pity in his life?
So scrolling down slowly he's become fascinated with all the outcomes depression can have on people; Irritable, loneliness, panicky, feelings of anxiety, paranoia, thoughts of suicide, self-harm and death.
Sam had to stifle a laugh at the last one…Death? The word has become so foreign to him now so anyone threatening to kill him he just laughs in their face. It's almost a sad tragedy really.
It's the second to last one that has him concerned. He looked down at his covered wrist and swallowed. Sweat began to form on his brow as his hand twitched excitably. No! He told himself. He wouldn't do that again. The last time he did that was when Ellen and Jo died. He's better than that.
He was surprised when a hand clapped him on the shoulder. He almost jumped straight out of his chair.
"Whoa! Sammy it's just me." Dean assured as he held strong onto the chair his brother was sitting in.
Sam panicked at the thought that his brother might see what he was looking up so he hurriedly shut the lap-top. "So find anything yet?" Sam said shakily turning around in the chair to meet a very suspicious Dean.
"No I figu-" Dean drawled off as he eyed his brother. Sam looked like absolute crap up close. Sam's face was a milky color and the sweat dripping down wasn't doing anything for his skin completion either. He furrowed his brows as a smirk formed. "Sammy." Dean said in a childish tone as he waggled his eyebrows. "Were you not doing your work and instead doing big boy stuff only big brother can do like looking up porn?"
Sam's jaw dropped at the sheer boldness of the statement. He blew out a breath of relief that Dean wasn't on to him in anyway so to speak but porn? Really? Like porn would help the damn depression he felt go away. He wishes. If only wishes were fishes big brother…. If only. He decided he liked Dean's new playful attitude so he kept with it. Giving Dean the best smile he could muster now a days he confessed. "You caught me red handed Dean."
Dean's smile grew even wider at that statement as he seemed to beam even though the situation at hand really was rather creepy. "I knew it!" Dean shouted quite happy in his findings.
"Wait till I tell all our friends." Dean shouted happily.
Sam groaned as he put his hand to his forehead suddenly getting a headache at the idea of it all. "Dean we don't have any friends. Remember apocalypse hello?"
Dean's smile sort of dimmed down and Sam immediately felt guilty. The once happy mood immediately turned somber for him putting him right back to where he started. Depressed and it sucked.
"Since you distracted me with your perverted ways you've reminded me what I wanted to say. Me and you my brother are going out to the bar tonight to have a night off."
Sam frowned at that thought. He used to love going to the bar with Dean. Though he wasn't a drinker or much of a pool player it always seemed to calm him down. Family traditions just don't die ya know? Except…when depression hits he thought bitterly. Now he absolutely hates it. He hates going into crowed places because that's when his anxiousness and paranoia will pick up. He's pretty sure that people with depression didn't start the apocalypse or inadvertently drink demon blood or manage to back stab there brother so when he gets into crowed places he hears things none quite to pleasant and thus making him anxious in turn making him paranoid. All setting itself up for disaster. That is why he doesn't go to the bar unless he absolutely, necessarily, has to.
"Uh-De-Dean I don't-why don't you just go dude? I'll just hang out here catch a few zzz's or something." Sam answered shakily trying to find a way to weasel out of going.
"Uh uh Sammy this is Winchester night and your going so grab your coat so we can catch the 8:00 happy hour. You know I love happy hour because that's when the waitress gets up on the table-"
"Alright, alright!" Sam shouted not wanting Dean to go on any further.
Dean gave back a triumphant smirk. "I'll be waiting in the car while you primp in the mirror."
"Yeah, yeah." Sam said dejectedly. He couldn't believe that his brother pulled a fast one on him. His brother always knew how he hated long stories or reminiscences so to say of anything to do with women coupled with nakedness especially if his brother was involved somehow. Which he knew he most certainly was. Sam sighed as he looked both ways before quickly hurrying to his duffle bag.
Digging around in its contents he pulled out a small black case. Taking the black case to the bathroom he made sure he shut the door and locked it before opening the cases contents.
Sliding down on the floor he opened up the case with shaky fingers as anxiety took over. His heart was pounding at a mile a minute as he pulled out the small metal object inside. It gleamed in the light as his thumb and forefinger grasped it tightly though he didn't want to cut his fingers because knowing Dean he would notice it.
Rolling up his shirt sleeve he took a calming breath as he willed the old scars to go away to make room for the new ones this would surely bring on but just like you can't choose your family you can't choose your scars either. Almost with giddy delight he pressed the razor blade down onto his wrist and watched as the blood began to seep up over the wound. Each time he did this he pressed harder to just see what his limits were and he was actually impressed with himself. Taking the blade away he watched as blood began to weep from his wrist and slowly cry its tears down his arm onto the floor.
The wound was superficial but he knew that the aftermath would hurt they always did. Pain is pain. Taking a few calming breaths as his wrist began to sting he figured Dean was starting to get worried now so he got up and did his routine of washing off the blade and putting it back in it's safe compartment and grabbing a small gauze pad to wrap around his wrist to pacify him for the night once he cleaned the few drops of blood on the floor and changed his somber expression to a somewhat decent one he made his way out to the car.
So what do you think? Should I trash it? It is to dark or to out there even though we know that our Sammy is very soft-spoken and Dean is very ill-tempered and they both have different ways of grieving. Thus this is the physiological battle with depression. My mother had it for years so I'm not pulling this stuff out of thin air people. Sometime the person can be happy sometimes there the saddest person around that's depressed for ya. Or bi-polar lol. Anywho just tell me if ya liked it. Thanx Charity
P.S here's the video featuring the song and our Sammy it's really good I suggest checking it out u-tube.com/watch?v=3OlTs72mKDs (Not mine so the credit goes to the vidder) (type in the www.u-tube part you know what I mean lol)