All right readers, my original plan was to sort of recreate the four completed books in the Twilight series, only from the perspective of my "Darkward" character. So far it has worked out pretty well, with a convincing alternate perspective/series of events, minus the stupid, that would still appear the same to the original protagonist, Bella Swan. A problem arose when I began to look at adapting the third book, "Eclipse," however. Simply put, there were massive amounts of stupid behavior and characters acting completely outside of their previous established characterizations, and I am convinced that every single one of them took a step backward in regard to their growth and development, instead of forward as one might expect at this stage. This, quite frankly, put them at a level BELOW my characters, because while I'm not sure if any of them have grown (though some have been more fleshed out than before), they certainly haven't shrunk. Simply put, I just couldn't justify, in my head, my characters engaging in that sort of behavior. Seriously, it's as if they were all suddenly twelve years old or something.

If you were to imagine my characters learning about the events as a script or screenplay, it might look a little something like this:

In a large room, possibly a stage, a large group of people is gathered. This group is the cast of "Eclipse." They're all sitting in a circle, talking excitedly to each other about the next book, when the author, Renie, walks in and takes the last empty chair in the circle.

Renie: Okay, quiet everyone! Settle down! Listen up so you know what your roles are and you can act accordingly.

(Noise subsides)

Renie: Now, the book begins with a letter from Jacob to Bella-

Jacob: Wait, I just randomly give her a letter? Why don't I just talk to her?

Renie: Well, you don't actually see her...

Jacob: Then how does she get it? Do I mail it to her?

Renie: You give it to your dad, who gives it to Charlie, who gives it to Bella.

Jacob: ...Really? What, are we suddenly in middle school again? "I like you. Do you like me? Check yes or no." Seriously?

Renie: Not kidding.

Jacob: Great start.

Renie: Shut it, wolf boy.

Jacob: (folds arms across chest and sits back in his chair.)

Renie: Charlie, you're next.

Charlie: (rubs hands together excitedly) Ooh, I bet I ground Bella for about twenty-five years, amirite?

Renie: No.

Charlie: No?

Renie: No. In fact, you put Bella "on parole" for good behavior. To paraphrase, she's 'been amazingly non-whiney for a teenager.'

Charlie: ...What? You can't possibly be serious.

Bella: (whines) Yeah. I mean, not that I'm complaining about my good fortune or anything, but I'm quite possibly the whiniest teenager protagonist in literature. At the very least, I'm no less whiny than average.

Renie: That's what happens! Get over it, and let's move on. (General grumbling around the room.) Now, Bella, you still want to see Jacob-

Bella: (whines) Well, yeah, he is kind of my best friend and maybe love interest, so of course.

Renie: -and Edward, you naturally want her to have nothing to do with him. (Edward nods.) To ensure this, you's-truck to prevent her from going to see him at his house-

Edward: (puts hand up in a "hold up there" gesture) Wait, wait. I do what, now?

Renie: You, uh, remove parts of Bella's engine to prevent her from seeing Jacob.

Edward: ...Bull shit, I ain't doin' that.

Renie: Now wait a second, you can't just-

Edward: Hey, I know I'm not the smartest knife in the drawer most of the time, but that would be waaaay too risky to do. That would be a felony or something, right, Chief? (Looks questioningly at Charlie.)

Charlie: Well, a charge of vandalism, at least.

Edward: Yeah, and I can't afford that kind of attention. Next!

Renie: But that's not what-

Edward: I said "next!"

Renie: Tss! Pushy...Whatever, we still have a lot to go through, we'll talk later. (Glares at Edward, who ignores her.), there is a lot of male posturing between Edward and Jacob over who gets to hang out with Bella, with the four human boys from book one betting on their fight...

Bella: (whines) Wait, don't I get a say in this? I mean, I think I should, seeing as how I'm the one this is all about, right?

Renie: No, because Edward thinks Jacob would hurt you and so is isolating you two from each other to protect you.

Jacob: What do I have to say about all that?

Renie: You say Bella should be able to hang out with whoever she wants.

Jacob: Hell yeah! I'm still the embodiment of choice and freedom! I remain awesome!

Renie: (has sudden, inexplicable coughing fit)

Jacob: Whoa, you okay there?

Renie: (coughs once or twice more) yeah, I'm fine. After that fight, Edward has to go hunt, and has Bella kidnapped so she can't visit Jacob while he's gone,-

Edward: Wait, what? Isn't that illegal in most states? Or everywhere, for that matter?

Renie: (uneasy) Well, it's all very nice and decent, almost like a girl's weekend out-

Alice: Wait, what? You mean I'm a part of this?! I support this? Why would I do that?

Renie: ...Edward buys you a car.

Alice: What? That...doesn't even...if I want a car I'll just buy my own damn car! My character could think up some much better "payments" from Edward than a car that I could buy myself. I don't want it, I don't need it! You can have your car back, Edward! (Slouches sullenly in her chair, arms across her chest)

Renie: But that's what...Ok, we'll come back to that later, as well. Next...let's see...oh, hey, Rosalie, your origin story is revealed in this book!

Rosalie: Sweet! It's kick-ass, right?

Renie: Um, kind of? (Questioning look from Rosalie) Basically, you had everything you ever wanted from life, until your fiance and his buddies got drunk and gang-raped you; Carlisle found you near death and turned you, and then you went back and killed them all.

Rosalie: (Glaring)...Is that right?

Renie: Yeah.

Rosalie: ...I can live with that. Barely.

Renie: (audibly gulps)Ok, then, moving on, Quil!

Quil: (suddenly sits up) Hey, I make an appearance! Awesome!

Renie: Noooot exactly awesome...

Quil: ...What?

Renie: You've imprinted on's a two-year-old girl.

Quil: What? Just...what? Well now, that's just messed up...that's all kinds of screwed up, and I'm not gonna be a part of it. (Stands up) I don't even hardly make an appearance in the whole book, and when I do, I'm a-I'm some kind of child molester, a-a pedo-wolf? Screw that! I'm outta here! (Walks out of the room)

(Sound of door slamming closed, uncomfortable silence around the room)

Renie: (Taps script nervously on her lap) So...Conflict is introduced before the very end of the book, for once.

(Various murmuring) "Well, how about that?" "About time" "Does this mean the storytelling's getting better?" "So what is it?" "Yeah, what is it?" "What is it?"

Renie: (Sorry she brought it up) ...Bella's shirt goes missing.


Bella: (whines) That's it? My shirt went missing? How is that a conflict? Am I that weird that I freak out over a missing shirt?

Renie: ...Apparently?

Bella: (whines) And whatever happened with that kidnapping thing, anyway? I must have given Edward a piece of my mind after that load of bull, right?

Renie: He,uh, sort of seduces you and you instantly forgive him.

Bella: (whines) Bullshit.

Renie: What?

Bella: (whines) You heard me. Bullshit I just forgive him like that. I should stop speaking to him for a week, at least!

Renie: Well, you don't, so suck it up.

Bella: (pouts)

Bella: (whines)

Renie: Next, we get to hear the Quileute werewolf origin legend, and it's pretty awesome, actually.

Various pack members minus Quil: "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "About time!" (Wolf call)

Renie: And it explains that women cannot become werewolves except, inexplicably, Leah-

Leah: (Interrupting) Damn straight!

Renie: -so that's pretty cool. Um, next there's' more marriage nonsense, (Edward making sure Bella marries him) and then we get Jasper's back story.

Jasper: Hot damn! I bet it kicks ass! I mean, I was in a war and stuff, right?

Renie: (Scanning the script and summarizing) Yeah, involving all the vampires in "the South" apparently. You start off fighting for the Confederacy in the Civil War, you're turned, then you join the feudal fighting in, uh, South America, I think? Or at least, somewhere south of the U.S.

Jasper: That's...weird, but ok.

Renie: And we find out that every vampire is automatically-turned-white-so moving on-

Maria: Wait, what was that? What's wrong with being anything other than white? Why would it change from just becoming a vampire? That doesn't make any sense, especially when we're supposed to be scientific or something? So, what, first I get a horribly stereotypical Hispanic name, then it's not even okay to be what I am? Screw that, I'll be with that wolf guy, he had the right idea. (Stomps out)

Renie: (winces as door slams again) O...K, so next is a scene with Jacob and Bella where know what? We'll come back to that later-

Jacob: -Hold it.

Renie: (reluctantly looks at him) Yes?

Jacob: I think we should hear what this next scene is. (Speaking extremely suggestively) You wouldn't want us walking in without knowing what we were getting into, right?

Renie: I...guess not... … … …

Jacob: Well? We're waiting.

Renie: Ok, well, next is a scene with Jacob and Bella, and he, uh, forces a kiss on Bella.

Jacob: WHAT?!

Bella: Ooh, I better fight back on that one, I know I'm not that much of a push-over!

Renie: No, you're not, in fact you punch him in the face.

Bella: (pumps fist in the air) Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!

Renie: -which causes your hand to break.

Bella: (whines) Wait, what? I stand up for myself in a very real way for once, and for that I wind up in the ER? I hate this!

Charlie: Me too! I can't let some guy molest and injure my little girl, even if I AM friends with his father.

Renie: Except you do.

Charlie: What?

Renie: You even congratulate him.

Charlie: That's completely ridiculous and out of character for me! How?

Jacob: I'm at least sorry or something, right?

Renie: You're not really ashamed of it at all; you, uh, actually blame her for hurting her hand by punching you.

Bella and Charlie at the same time: "WHAT?!"

Bella and Charlie talking over each other: "That is fu-" "I can't even believe-" "-totally not what I would-" "where did this even-" "-how could anyone believe-" "-and I certainly wouldn't do that."

Jacob: And when did I become a total douchebag, anyway?

Bella: (whines) You know what? This is stupid. You must think I hate myself, making me do all these massivley stupid things, and then whining about them-yeah, I saw it on your script there-'Bella gets a party and whines about EVERYTHING' it says. So, create new characters or something, because I'm out! Come on, guys.

(Most of the cast that is left get up to leave)

Renie: EVERYBODY STOP NOW! (Everyone pauses, silent) Nobody is going to leave. You're my characters, and I'm telling you what to do, and you're going to do it, whether you like it or not!

(Characters look uneasily at each other; some look back at their chairs, considering)

Edward: Wrong. (Walks over to Renie, bends over her, placing his hands on either armrest, and leans into her face. Renie gulps and presses back against her chair.) We're not your characters, we're Stephenie Meyer's characters, and she screwed us over enough for literally thousands of pages. She already put us through all this once; isn't that enough? Add to that all the fanfics putting us into God knows how many awkward situations, sexual and otherwise, and we're getting more than a little irritated. Also, the original third book was essentially a fanfiction anyway, moreso than the others, so the resulting fanfics were redundant fanfics of a popular fanfic, and at this point we've had it! Now, whether you like it or not, we're leaving.

(All exit, except one young woman across the room, unnoticed by Renie)

Renie: (Walks back toward the door, turns at the sound of someone clearing their throat) What are you still doing here?

Last Person: I'm Victoria, remember? Antagonist of this book? For the record, I'm ok with this-

Renie: (Turns around again, walks toward the door, sighing) Say good night, Gracie. (Tosses script behind her, continues walking)

Victoria: (Pauses, then sighs) It sucks to be me...

(Renie turns out the lights)

So, to recap, I will not be doing the third book of the series, and I specifically wrote New Moon so that I could skip it if it became necessary to do so. However, you should definitely check out this story called "A Very Underestimated Emotion" by author Rockstorm on , which does the retelling I simply cannot do, with a slightly different tilt to it. That said, I will do at least one, and possibly three, one-shots involving some isolated chapters of "Eclipse." The one I'm working on now is the werewolf origin story, focusing on how Leah became a werewolf and why (totally making it up, of course); at the moment I'm trying to work it into my vision for "Breaking Dawn;" I don't know if it will go in nicely or not. The others I'm considering doing are Jasper and Rosalie's stories. They will be separate and self-contained, so keep an eye out!

Sorry to all those disappointed by this announcement, but I hope you enjoyed reading my 'screenplay' anyway, and remember, as Zax from twilightsucks(dot)com says, [regarding snarking at Twilight] "if you're not having fun, you're doing it wrong." This is just what I need to do to keep having fun. Talk to you later!