This morsel of crackfic goodness was written for Zigster's bday, who is just about too awesome for words. I even gave her own special story break. You'll see it. Trust. I can't be held responsible for what comes out of my head. ;)
I don't own Twilight. Not one bit, mk?
Edward frowned, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. He just couldn't get a hold of his emotions. If he didn't know better, he would say he was... confused.
That didn't make sense, though. He never got confused. Edward was a 107 year old vampire, and he could read minds, for Aro's sake!
Mind-reading 107 year old vampires knew what was up. They didn't question things like he was questioning... or not questioning, to be more particular. He couldn't say in particular that he was questioning anything because he wasn't confused.
Except now he felt confused about whether or not he was confused.
Something just wasn't adding up.
Hey, man, why are you feeling so... confused?
Jasper walked into the room just as his silent question reached Edward's mind, cementing Edward's original worry. He peered to his left to find Jasper staring at him with wide eyes, his blond curly hair sitting deliciously on top of his handsome face...
He didn't feel that way. He didn't want to feel that way. Why would he feel that way now - after all this time? Not that he felt that way, mind you.
Jasper's tongue darted out, wetting his pink lips, and Edward almost went cross-eyed.
"I never get confused!" he shouted at Jasper, interrupting the blonde's thoughts, before he ran out of the room. "Never!" he repeated once in the kitchen for prosperity, hand thrown high into the air.
There are things I have seen that would make your blood curl. There are many dark days in our futures, young vampire.
Edward took a deep breath and turned to look at Alice.
"You know I hate when you think in that Gypsy voice," he reminded her, and she burst into a fit of girlish giggles.
She stopped suddenly, narrowing her eyes at him. "Seriously, though, what the fuck, Lego my Eggo?" she asked, cocking her head to the side. "Why did I see you all up on my hub's love pole?" She moved her head from side to side, snapping her fingers with thunderous snaps.
"Shut your mouth!" he whispered. "Emmett is in the basement!"
"I know where he is, and he better WASH THOSE PANTIES BEFORE HE PUTS THEM BACK!" she shouted the end of her statement.
Emmett grunted in acknowledgment of her words, and Edward immediately tuned Emmett out. He did not need to hear that.
"Ugh, you'd think with Rose he'd get enough, but he has to beat his meat like twelve times a day. I'm sick of getting visions of Emmett's latest masturbation station," Alice grumbled. Edward groaned in sympathy and disgust.
"Must we talk about that?" he questioned, turning his stone nose up at the thought.
"No, we don't have to," Alice agreed. We do have to talk about why I saw you and my man doing the horizontal tango, she added silently.
"That's utterly ridiculous," Edward sneered. "You must be losing your touch."
"Oh hoh, brother, I saw it," she replied, eyes wide. She tapped her temple with her pointer and middle finger. "In. Mah. Head."
"The full moon will change the fortunes of our lives. What happens shall happen. It is already set in motion, young vampire," she added in the spooky Gypsy voice.
"That will never happen," he scoffed. "Your power must be on the fritz."
Alice jumped high in the air, pulling one knee up in some crazy kung-fu movie. Except in a kung-fu movie, she would be going in slow motion. Alice was instead moving super fast. Before Edward could even react to her thoughts, she was on top of him, her hands twisted in his shirt.
"My power is awesome!" she roared, her tiny voice not so tiny at all. "Say it!" she demanded.
"Your power is awesome," Edward declared in a quiet voice.
"Say: your power makes my power look like it rides the short bus to school!" she told him, ripping his shirt to shreds. He said it, but he didn't believe it.
"That's right, Eddie Van Halen," Alice jeered, doing a back flip off Edward. "Your power sucks my power's dick!"
She added in her mind, Just like you'll be sucking Jasper's.
"Alice!" he screeched., but she just turned toward the door.
"Later, nerd," she said with a small wave of her hand as she exited.
Edward was determined to never let what Alice saw happen. He wasn't gay. He liked boobs. Rock hard vampire girl boobs. Tiny mountains chiseled into their chests if you will. Chiseled, like they were carved out of marble. Straining against a flat stomach and abs that you could grate cheese on, if you ate cheese, that is. Broad shoulders and a tapered waist...
Boobs. Tits. Breasts.
Not men. Not pecs and abs and butts. Well, lady butts were okay, he supposed. Everyone had a butt. That was totally gender neutral. He could think about butts. They were safe.
He let his mind wander, imagining a round yet tight derriere that was just ripe for squeezing and licking. Jasper's face flickered into his thoughts then, giving him a dangerous grin before he bent over, exposing himself and making Edward's chino's grow tight.
Oh, man, Edward, what's gotten you so horny? I've never felt these strong of emotions from you.
Edward screamed loudly in frustration when Jasper's silent inquiry encroached his mind. "I have self control," he yelled out loud for anyone who cared to listen. He added, almost as an afterthought, "and boobs are awesome," just because he thought he should.
Then, he ran out of the house and didn't return until the next day.
Two weeks later, the "children" were hunting in the woods near the house on a sunny day, leaving Carlisle and Esme behind to have some alone time. Emmett and Alice had run ahead, playing some elaborate game of tag with obscure rules that made absolutely no sense.
Alice had made the game up, of course.
Rosalie had already given up on her husband and sister, and she had found a rock to sunbathe on which in Edward's mind was completely ridiculous. Though, completely ridiculous were the best words to describe Rose in Edward's opinion.
Edward watched them bob through the trees before Alice scrambled up the limbs of a tall oak. She leaped onto Emmett's back, holding on tight like some sort of monkey, a little monkey, though. Edward was thinking she looked like a spider monkey.
"Tag, bitch!" Alice yelled, holding on tight as Emmett tried to buck her off his back. "I got eight seconds!" she cheered a moment later, still astride his back. "I'm the rodeo champ, motherfuckers!"
"Such language," Edward remarked to himself, shaking his head at the display. Even after all these years, he was shocked at some of the foul words that came out of such a tiny girl.
"She's definitely a firecracker," Jasper said, almost startling Edward. He was a vampire, though. He did not get startled.
"You would know," Edward stated without thinking, his words sounding bitter even to his own ears. He mentally cursed himself, only barely managing to hold back a twitch he felt building behind his left eye.
"Yeah, she's important to me," Jasper replied quietly, moving almost unnoticeably closer to Edward, but Edward did indeed notice. "She's been there for me through a lot."
"Yes, well, you love her," Edward commented, swallowing down his anger and resentment that bubbled up with that annoying fact. He must be feeling that way only because he himself wanted someone to love, Edward assured himself. It would never be because Alice had Jasper. He didn't want Jasper.
He clenched his jaw. He didn't want him at all.
"As much as I can," Jasper whispered his response, and Edward turned to him, confused. He narrowed his eyes slightly and tuned himself into Jasper's mind. His thoughts, though, were singing some horrible tick-tock song about clocks and partying. It was horrendous. He was obviously hiding something. His statement, 'as much as I can,' was vague and filled with a strange longing that Edward couldn't place. He knew there was more to the statement, but he just had no clue what it was.
"What do you mean?" he finally asked, looking back out at the trees where Emmett was doing somersaults with Alice running on top of him like some crazy circus act. Jasper laughed at their antics, and they both watched them together for a moment. Edward couldn't let go of Jasper's last words, though. They kept replaying again and again in his mind. He hated that he was so curious about this subject, about Jasper and his love life. It shouldn't matter that Jasper loved Alice. He grit his teeth harshly, and it sounded like two boulders crashing together.
Are you okay?
"Fine," he snapped, turning back toward the face that haunted his dreams... well, daydreams. What a stupid face it was, anyway, Edward thought. All angles and plush lips and bright eyes and wide smile. He was disgusting looking. Edward could have sneered at the ugliness, but his mouth seemed to be only able to form a small, shy smile. He took a deep unneeded breath. "What did you mean, 'as much as you can?'" Edward asked again.
Jasper chuckled humorlessly, staring at Edward from the corner of his eye. "Everything is not always as it seems, Edward," he remarked cryptically, placing his hand on his shoulder and leaning in toward Edward's face. If he needed to breathe, he would have forgotten how at this moment. Jasper's mouth was right next to his ear, his ice cold vampire breath was bursting against Edward's rock hard skin. "You should know that," he finished in a whisper before he whipped around and ran toward Alice and Emmett joining in their vampire games.
Rose turned up then, clothed in a red polka dot bikini, her pale skin still pale even though she had been lying in the sun. "Are we done with this shit, yet?" she remarked in a bored tone, and Edward only shook his head in answer.
He was afraid that the "shit" had only just begun.
As the rest of the week passed, Alice and Jasper were constantly watched by Edward. He read their thoughts. He followed their every move with his eyes and other senses. He particularly paid close attention to Alice's visions, hoping to see what she dangled before his eyes two weeks prior. He wanted it, even though he wouldn't admit it even to himself. Jasper was the carrot to his donkey, and he was going to get that carrot inside him one way or another.
When he had that particular thought, though, Edward would have blushed if he still had the ability.
As much as Edward watched them, they kept tabs on Edward, whispering together, discussing Jasper's insight to his emotions and Alice's perception of the future. Their heads were always together, so intimately linked that it was starting to drive Edward insane. He didn't like it. He didn't like the looks they gave him or the way Jasper had started brushing against him every chance he got. Well, he liked it, but he didn't like it at the same time. It made him feel out of control, and Edward needed control like Rosalie needed to complain.
By that Thursday evening, Edward was feeling like he was on the brink of losing his sanity, and he knew something was going to have to give. With an exasperated sigh, he left the house, hoping to find some solace amongst the trees and mountains.
Some time later, Edward was sitting atop the highest peak, letting his feet dangle from the edge. He watched the full moon rise in the sky, bathing him in a cool light. He sighed. It seemed appropriate. He even debated talking to the Man in the Moon. That, though, seemed inappropriate.
"Beautiful, isn't it?"
Edward startled, hissing at the intrusion upon his silent brooding. He was also not very happy that Jasper had sneaked up on him once again.
"The moon is a magnificent work of the Universe's paint brush," Edward remarked. Jasper tried not to roll his eyes.
"I wasn't talking about the moon, Edward," Jasper commented, sitting down next to Edward on the edge of the cliff. Jasper turned to him, looking him right in the eyes. "I was talking about... you," he whispered, bringing his hand to Edward's face, cupping his cheek in his palm.
"Well, I'll be a vampire's vagina," Edward mumbled out in shock.
Jasper let out a bark of laughter, causing wolves to howl up at the full moon. He gave Edward a guilty smile. "I'm glad you're not."
Edward was slightly embarrassed... well, more than slightly. "I don't know why I said that," he murmured. He locked his eyes back to the full moon. "I don't understand, though, Jasper," he continued in a soft voice. He was trying to remain calm, but Edward was getting really fucking excited.
"I think you do. I can feel your emotions, Edward. I know what you want."
"Oh yeah?" Edward asked, cocking his head to the side. "And what is it that I want?"
Jasper smirked at him. "Me," he remarked simply before he crashed his lips to Edwards. Their mouths met with a loud crack, sounding like a loud thunderclap in the distance.
A thunderclap of love.
Edward reluctantly pulled away after a moment, staring into Jasper's eyes until he went a little cross-eyed and had to look away. "What about Alice?" he finally asked, worry carved into his stone face.
"We don't have the relationship that was assumed of us," he admitted, giving Edward a small smile.
Edward gasped. "You two aren't married?"
Jasper turned his eyes to the moon and took a deep breath. "We aren't, but I do love her. She's just not what I need. She's not a guy." He turned back to Edward. "She's not you."
Edward couldn't help but grin. "So, you two have just been platonic friends all these years? Why hide the truth?"
Jasper gave him a guilty grin. "Well, you know, not platonic platonic..." He shrugged. "I mean, look at Alice, she practically has a dude's body. I mean, a tiny dude, but a dude."
Edward frowned. "I see."
Jasper shook his head and threw his arm around Edward's shoulders. "Don't be like that, Edward. I've been waiting for you for a long time. Don't shut me out."
"You've been waiting for me?" came his almost silent reply. Jasper nodded, and Edward lifted his lips to his, kissing him firmly. "Jasper," Edward whispered. "I want you."
Jasper gulped down the venom pooling in his mouth and licked his lips. "That's awesome," he replied.
Edward fought back the grimace over Jasper's unromantic words, forcing a smile instead.
When they came together under the full moon, though, their bodies crashing together like two boulders rolling down a hill, Edward's smile was anything but forced.
He had never been happier.
The next morning, the two lovers walked into the house hand in hand, sheepish smiles gracing their timeless faces.
"About time, you pussies," Alice screeched, running over to the boys and hugging them both as best as she could. The rest of the family entered the room, curiosity filling their minds.
"What is this?" Carlisle asked with a small smile, nodding his head at their interlocked fingers.
Jasper spoke for them, "Edward and I are together now."
"You two like dicks?" Emmett yelled out in surprise. "Since when?"
"For as long as I can remember," Jasper told him.
"Uh, since about a month ago," Edward replied.
"Well smack my ass and call my Shirley," Emmett scoffed, but he smiled, showing he still cared about his brothers.
"Later... Shirley," Rosalie whispered in her husband's ear, giving him a sultry wink. She thought she was being quiet, but they were vampires. They heard it.
Alice then walked to the center of the room, demanding attention. They all turned to her. "I have something to say," she stated loudly.
"Tell us, Alice," Carlisle encouraged.
"Now that my husband has the person he wanted riding his cock," she started, motioning to Edward, "I can finally announce this..." she trailed off for dramatic suspense.
"What?" Esme begged, hoping her daughter was not in distress.
Alice grinned. "I'm a lesbian, and I've fallen for a girl." Everyone's eyes went wide. "Also, she's human."
Rosalie growled, and the rest of the family gasped.
Alice chuckled, nodding her head. "Who saw that one coming?" she questioned, raising her hand in the air. "Ah, so just me?"
"Who is this human?" Carlisle asked.
Alice thrust her hips in a rocking motion, humping the air. "Bella, bitches. Her name is Bella."
Ah, well, that's it. lol. I enjoyed writing this, and I'm thinking I might add more. Maybe, the next bday I get asked to write for will get Alice meeting Bella. Or, shit, maybe I'll just write that anyway. I'm going to play it by ear.
Review if you want. Also, give Zig a big belated birthday kiss on the lips. *muah*