Okay, this title has a very strange name. But as you read on, you'll get why it is called such a ridiculous thing. For a crazy story, I needed a crazy name, and it seemed to fit the bill. Anyway, despite this story's stupidity, I hope you enjoy it ^_^ Please R and R!

The Secret Duck


"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Takuya suddenly crashed onto the floor, his body entwined with his thick blanket.

From outside the room, he could hear the sound of knocking, followed by his mother's voice.

"Takuya, are you okay in there? I just heard a crash."

"He probably just fell out bed again, since he's a clumsy doofus," his ten year-old brother, Shinya, chimed in.

Takuya angrily untangled himself, then stood back up. "I'm fine, Mom. And don't call me a doofus, you little shit!"

"Hey! Don't call your brother names like that!" Mrs. Kanbara scolded her older son. "Or you won't be allowed to go out tonight. And Shinya, don't call your brother a doofus!""

The brunette teen froze in his spot, suddenly remembering the importance of the upcoming night. Tonight was the night that he would finally get to go on a date with his long-time friend and crush, Zoe.

"Uh, sorry! It won't happen again!" Takuya quickly apologized, not wanting his night ruined by the likes of his bratty brother.

"Good," Mrs. Kanbara said through the door. "There's some breakfast on the table if you're hungry."

Takuya began to gather up a pile of nearby clothes, guessing them to be relatively clean. "Nah, I think I'm gonna hop into the shower first."

"Okay, I'll make sure that Shinya saves you some food," his mother said, before making her way back to the kitchen.

Takuya took his clothes and left his bedroom, heading towards the bathroom. Once inside, he locked the door and began to undress. He yawned, pulling his pants and boxers down, and discarding them off to the side. He then turned the shower on, relieving himself as he waited for the water to heat up.

"This night's going to be fucking awesome," he cheerfully said to himself.

He flushed the toilet, then felt the temperature of the water in the shower with his fingers. It was still not as hot as he liked it to be, so he idly waited another few seconds. He carelessly glanced behind his shoulder, taking a look at himself in the mirror that was behind him.

"There's no way in hell that Zoe will be able to resist me tonight," Takuya boasted.

However, that was right before he something that made his eyes bulge out. He shouted in a mixture of shock and embarrassment, not believing what he was seeing. He quickly turned the water off, then stared back at himself in the mirror.

"Holy shit!"

Right on his left butt cheek was a picture of Donald Duck's face. Donald was smiling happily as if to say 'surprise!'

"Aaaaaaaaaahhhh!" Takuya cried out in frustation. "What the hell did that come from?!"

"Takuya?" Mr. Kanbara knocked on the door. "Is everything okay?"

Takuya continued to gape at the duck in horror, unable to reply.

"Takuya?" His father began to jiggle the doorknob, immediately snapping the teen back to reality.

"Uh, yeah...I'm fine....I uh...just banged my knee," the brunette lied.

There was a moment of silence, before Mr. Kanbara sighed. "Okay. Try not to kill yourself in there. I've gotta go to work and your mother is too busy to be mopping up your blood."

Takuya's eye twitched. "Thanks, Dad...."

He heard the sound of footsteps going away from the bathroom, indicating that his father had left him alone. Takuya then craned his neck to look down at the smiling duck.

"Fucking bastard," he muttered. "The guys must've done this somehow.... I'll kill them!"

He turned the water back on, getting right inside the shower before it warmed up to his desired temperature. Takuya then squirted some of his body wash onto a face cloth and began to rub it against his butt. After about a minute or so, he moved the cloth away, only to discover that Donald was still there.

"What the fuck?!" He growled. "What is this, a tattoo?!"

He continued to scrub at the dreaded Disney character, steam almost coming out of his ears. After awhile, when his rear end finally began to grow sore from the constant rubbing of the cloth, he looked at it again. Donald had not faded at all, still smiling at Takuya triumphantly. With an aggravated groan, he quickly washed the rest of his body and hair, realizing that soap and water would not get rid of the acursed duck.

Takuya emerged from the shower seconds later, quickly toweling off as he began to think. Shit! I can't have a tattoo of Donald Duck on my butt! What will my parents say when they find out?! And what will Zoe say? She'll think that I'm a complete lunatic for having this! His frantic thoughts continued to run through his mind, sending him into almost a panic.

The brunette hastily pulled his clothes on, trying to think of a solution.

"One of the guys must've done this," he grumbled. "They should know how to get rid of the damn thing!"

With that, he stormed out of the bathroom, nearly knocking Shinya over in the process.

"Sorry," Takuya murmured, rushing to his bedroom to leave a confused Shinya behind.

He angrily locked the door and picked up his cell phone. Muttering curses under his breath, he went under his contacts list and selected Kouji's name. After a few seconds, he heard the familiar voice of his emo friend.

"Yeah?" Kouji said in his usual moody tone.

"Kouji, get your ass to my house right now!" Takuya shouted.

There was an annoyed groan. "Damn, you don't have to scream. What are you trying to do, make me deaf or something?"

"Just get over here!" The brunette hissed. "And bring Kouichi, J.P., and Tommy. I need all four of you here."

"You don't want me to call Zoe and have her come too?" Kouji asked incredulously.

"No! Whatever you do, do NOT call Zoe! I can't let her know what's going on, so if she calls you or anyone else, tell her that you're busy. Now get the guys and come over before I drag you over my damn self! And that includes J.P.!" Takuya snapped, before ending the call.

Twenty minutes later

"Okay, sorry I called you guys over so early-"

Kouji cut Takuya off. "I called everyone over. Not you."

"Eh, shut up! You know what I mean!" Takuya said with the twitching irritation marks on his forehead. "We've got a problem!"

"Chocolate has been banned?!" J.P. cried out, hugging a candy bar to his chest.

Takuya raised an eyebrow. "What? No!"

"The girl's locker room is now off-limits?!" Kouichi asked in a panicked voice.

"No.....that's not was I was talking about...and hasn't the girl's locker room been off-limits to guys anyway?" Takuya stared at the short-haired twin, who quickly hid his face behind a comic book.

"My plans for world domination have been revealed?!" Tommy abruptly demanded.

His friends only stared at him for several long seconds, none of them able to say a word.

"Uh...forget I said anything," Tommy muttered, shamefully hiding a blueprint in his jacket pocket.

"....Well, anyway.... this is what I'm trying to tell you guys about!" Takuya exclaimed, before turning around and pulling his pants and boxers halfway down his butt.

"Ugh, dude! Don't fucking moon us!" Kouji covered his eyes.

Takuya groaned. "I'm not mooning you! There's something on my ass that you guys might be able to explain."

Kouji, Kouichi, Tommy, and J.P. all gazed at the picture of Donald Duck for about a minute, all of them silent.

"....Okay, I'm getting really uncomfortable." Takuya quickly pulled his pants back up to cover his rear end. "So how the hell did it get there?! I know that you guys know!"

"I have no idea what the hell you're talking about," Kouji replied dryly.

Kouichi raised an eyebrow. "Takuya, did you get drunk last night and go to a tattoo parlor?"

Takuya growled at them, sounding almost animalistic. "No, I did not go to a tattoo parlor last night!"

"Notice how he said that he didn't go to a tattoo parlor but didn't say anything about not getting drunk," J.P. whispered to Kouji.

"What?! Even if I did drink a little bit last night, I'm too young to get a tattoo," Takuya grumbled. "You have to be eighteen and I'm only sixteen."

"You're also too young to drink legally," Kouichi pointed out.

Takuya's face turned slightly red. "Yeah...well...it's easier to get alcohol as oppose to a tattoo. All I gotta do is give some dude a wad of cash and I've got alcohol. I can't just stroll into a tattoo parlor and expect for them to do anything. Now what am I supposed to do about the duck on my ass?!"

"Uhhh......." The guys all thought for several seconds.

"Well, if it's real, then the only way to get rid of it would be with a laser," J.P. finally said. "My cousin did that 'cause he got a tattoo of a snowman holding a 'Fuck You' signl when he was shitfaced and wanted it gone. But he said that it was really expensive and extremely painful."

Takuya's face lost all color, eliminating the shade of red. "Oh, fuck....."

"But if it's fake, then we can get if off somehow," J.P. quickly added.

"Yeah, we better! I've got a date with Zoe tonight! I can't let her know that Donald Duck is on my ass!" Takuya exclaimed.

Kouji raised an eyebrow, then adjusted his blue bandana. "But it's not like she's going to be seeing your naked ass. So it's not the end of the world if you can't get if off in time for the date."

"Yeah, but I'll still feel weird having it," Takuya muttered with contempt. "So you guys have to help me."

"We'll help you," Tommy cheerfully told him. "Or at least, I will."

Kouichi nodded in agreement. "I will too."

"Me too," J.P. chimed in.

Kouji rolled his eyes. "Whatever....."

"Okay, then it's settled!" Takuya exclaimed overdramatically. "We will not rest until the maniacal Donald Duck has been removed from my derierre!"

"...Haha...Donald Duck..."

"Shut up, Kouji!" Takuya hissed.

Kouichi chuckled. "Hey, just be grateful that it's not a picture of Cruella De Ville."

"How dare you insult her?! She's hot!" J.P. cried out.

"........." His friends just stared at him with quizzical looks.

"Uh...never mind...," he shamefully replied.

Takuya grinned. "Okay! None of us will rest until this godforsaken duck has been removed! You hear me?! No one! Mwahahahaha!"

Everyone backed away nervously, while Tommy glanced over at his plans for world domination.

"Someday," he murmured. "Someday this world will be all mine....."

Four hours later

"NOOOO! Why is this damn thing not coming off?!" Takuya shouted, almost deafening his friends.

Kouji sighed. "Sorry, dude. Looks like it's the real deal."

"Yeah, we've tried everything, Takuya. I'm sorry," Kouichi sympathized.

"What the hell am I gonna do? I don't want to walk around the rest of my life knowing that Donald Duck is in my pants!" Takuya cried out.

The guys exchanged glances, trying their best not to burst out into laughter. Before they could, however, Takuya sent them evil glares whilst holding a knife.

"Don't think that I won't cut you," he threatened, his left eye twitching slightly.

Kouichi pushed his twin brother forward. "If you're gonna cut us, cut Kouji first."

"Asshole," Kouji muttered, though he ran behind J.P.'s large frame for cover.

Takuya put the knife down, miserably sinking down onto his bed. "What am I gonna do? I don't have the money to get this fucking thing off..."

"Plus it'll be really painful," J.P. pointed out.

"Thanks," Takuya spat sarcastically. "Just what I need to feel better!"

Kouichi gave him a weak smile. "Don't worry about it, dude. We'll help you find a way to get it off somehow. Even if it's not in time for your date with Zoe, we'll find a way to get rid of it."

"Yeah, don't let it get you too down," Tommy added. "Just try looking forward to your date."

"No kidding. It's not like she'll find out about your little ducky friend," Kouji said with a half-smile. "Unless you decide to moon her, of course."

Takuya smacked the long-haired twin upside the head. "Bastard....."

"What time is it anyway?" Tommy asked.

Kouichi looked at the time on his cell phone. "It's three in the afternoon."

"Dammit, I'm meeting Zoe in two hours," Takuya mumbled. "But, like you said, it's not like she's going to see my ass or anything. So, I should be okay...right?"

J.P. shrugged. "No reason why you shouldn't be."

Just then, there was a knock on the door, followed by Mrs. Kanbara's voice. "Takuya? Could I come in for a second?"

"Uh...sure," Takuya replied.

His mother opened the door, then stepped into the room. In her arms was a pile of clothing, all of which looked brand-new.

"What are those for?" Takuya asked.

"I went out and bought you some new clothes," his mother responded, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

The brunette sighed. "Mom, you know that you don't need to buy clothes for me. I'm fully capable of picking them out and buying them myself."

"I know, I just saw a few things on sale and thought that they looked nice. And now you have some appropriate clothes for your date with Zoe tonight," Mrs. Kanbara said, setting the pile down onto her son's bed. "Seeing how you're bringing her to a classy restaurant, I don't think it's a good idea for you to go in jeans and a t-shirt...."

"Yeah, I guess....." Takuya stared at the pile, then flashed her a smile. "Thanks."

Mrs. Kanbara nodded, then left the room. Takuya rummaged through the pile, groaning at most of what he saw.

"I would never wear this," he mumbled, holding one of the shirts up in disgust. "Or this....or this...."

"Eh, I'm sure there's something for you to wear tonight," Kouichi said optimistically. "Just keep looking."

After another minute or so of looking through the clothes, Takuya held up a shirt and a pair of pants. "Hey, these aren't too bad...."

"Looks like you know what you're wearing for your date, then," Tommy said happily.

"Just remember, there's no way that Zoe could ever find out about your secret boyfriend," Kouji quipped. "Also known as Donald Duck."

He wrenched his head away before his friend could deliver another smack to it. Takuya sighed, glaring at Kouji for a moment. He then looked at the clothes again and smiled.

"Everything should go smoothly tonight. There's no way anything can go wrong....right?" He asked.

Two hours later

Takuya and Zoe arrived at the restaurant in time for their reservations. He had picked her up at five like he was supposed to, and drove the two of them to their destination. Zoe wore a black spaghetti-strapped dress that ended a few inches above her knees, as well as matching black flats. Takuya was wearing a dark blue dress shirt and a pair of black slacks. The shirt fit him well, though the pants were a bit looser than he had expected. He had to tighten his belt quite a bit to keep them from sliding down.

Shit, he thought to himself. They better not fall....

He and Zoe were seated one of the booths, the two of them sitting across from each other.

"I'm impressed, Takuya," Zoe told him. "I didn't think you would take me to a place like this."

Takuya shrugged, trying to act cocky. "What can I say? I treat my dates right."

Zoe raised an eyebrow. "Who else have you dated recently?"

"Uh...." he tried to think of names, but was unable to to. "...You know...just...girls we go to school with."

"Right," the blond replied dryly. "Even so, it's beautiful here. It must be expensive, though...."

Takuya smirked. "Don't worry about it, I've got it covered."


"Kouji, what are we doing here?" Kouichi groaned.

"We're making sure that Takuya's date goes okay," Kouji hissed.

"By spying on him?!" J.P. nearly yelled.

Kouji growled. "Shut up. You'll blow our cover."

Kouji, Kouichi, J.P., and Tommy were all hiding in one of the booths near Takuya's. They had snuck into the restaurant through a back door, beat up four of the waiters, stole their uniforms, then pretended to work at the restaurant.

"Won't it look sketchy if the four of us are just sitting in a booth?" Tommy inquired.

"If anyone says anything, we'll tell them that we're on break," Kouji said.

Kouichi rolled his eyes. "That is, if they don't call the cops on us for impersonating a bunch of waiters."

"Will you be quiet?!" Kouji snapped. "Just shut up and leave the talking to me."

"My brother is an idiot," Kouichi mumbled, only to receive a light smack in the back of his head. "Ow....jerk...."

Kouji peered over the side of the booth, craning his neck to see speculate Takuya's date. "Just keep it down and we'll see how things go."

After about an hour and a half had passed, and the four teens continued to wait in the booth. J.P. was dozing off, Tommy was playing his PSP, Kouichi was twiddling his thumbs and humming showtunes, and Kouji was still intently watching Takuya and Zoe.

"It seems to be going well," he murmured. "Especially seeing how she just leaned over the table to kiss him."

"Score!" Tommy shouted.

"Calm down, kid. He got a kiss, not a make-out session," Kouji said dryly.

"What?" Tommy looked up from his PSP. "I just got a high score on my game. What were you saying?"

"......." Kouji's eye twitched, but he merely shook his head and concentrated on Takuya once again. "Oh! They're leaving! Come on, let's follow them!"

He dragged his brother by the collar of his shirt, but not before hitting J.P. over the head with a menu.

"1953!" J.P. shouted, surprised.

"Get your ass up already," Kouji hissed. "Takuya and Zoe are leaving. Tommy, let's go."

They watched as the young couple made their way to the doors leading to the exit, and Kouji nodded his head in their direction. The four of them discreetly followed them, making sure to stay far enough away.

"Waiter, get me more soup!" A young patron rudely snarled at Kouji.

"Shut up," the long-haired twin snapped, whipping the man in the face with a napkin. "I have important matters to attend to."

While they walked passed a few more tables, J.P. grabbed a half-eaten burger right off of someone's plate.

"J.P., that's friggen gross," Kouichi said, a disgusted look on his face.

"Hey, the guy wasn't at his table, so I made my move. Free food for me," he replied, cramming half of it into his mouth.

"Just come on, they're almost at the door," Kouji said in a hushed voice, quickening his pace.

The others nodded and followed suit, but not before J.P. snatched three pieces of bread out of a wooden basket on a different table.


"I had a really good time," Zoe said as she and Takuya reached the front doors. "Thank you for bringing me out tonight."

Takuya smiled, relieved that the date had not only gone without any mishaps, but that Zoe had also enjoyed herself. "Any time. I had a great time with you as well. In fact, I'd like to take you out again, if you don't mind."

Zoe returned his smile, leaning over to kiss him on the lips for a second time that night. "I would like that. But please, next time don't spend so much money on me. I feel bad...."

"You're worth every penny," he told her, not caring that he sounded like a corny bastard. "Allow me to get the door for you."

He stepped forward to open the door, pushing up against it. However, as he went through the doorway, he did not notice as his belt became snagged on part of the handle. The end of the handle had broken away from the rest of the door, hooking out slightly. Although it was not sharp, it was slightly pointed and thin enough to get caught in Takuya's belt. Unaware, the brunette pushed the door completely, thus causing his belt to break.

"Shit!" He shouted, feeling his pants immediately slide down.

The brunette quickly reached to keep his pants from falling any further. He let go of the door, causing it to close again and hit him in the face. As he stumbled backwards, he lost grip of his pants completely, letting them fall to his ankles. Zoe gaped in surprise, her face bright red as several patrons crowded around.

"Takuya, are you okay?" She asked, unable to keep herself from staring.

Takuya turned even redder than Zoe and he laughed nervously, his back turned to her. "Uh, yeah.... I'm fine...hehe...."

Unfortunately, while his pants had slid down, the back of his boxers had descended slightly as well. Although his groin was still covered with the thin material, his buttocks were completely exposed. Donald Duck's smiling face greeted everyone, including Zoe.

"Oh, my god...." Zoe's green eyes were wide as she stared at the happy duck. "T-Takuya? Why is Donald Duck on your butt?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Takuya screamed, yanking his pants back up in shame.

In the background, Kouji was rolling on the floor laughing, while the others stared at their brown-haired friend in shock.

"Hahahahahahaha! That was great!" Kouji said hysterically. "I wish that I had my camera on me!"

"Kouji, he just mooned everyone in the restaurant," Kouichi told him, somewhat angry in his brother's behavior. "Now he has to live with the fact that everyone knows that Donald Duck is tattooed onto his ass!"

"Yeah, why are you being such an asshole about this?" J.P. demanded. "He just embarrassed himself in front of everyone."

Tommy nodded in agreement. "That is kind of mean, Kouji."

Kouji wiped a tear away from his eye, still cracking up. "Oh, relax. He doesn't have to live the rest of his life with Donald on his butt."

"Well, until he has enough money to get it removed by a laser," Kouichi pointed out.

"No, he can get rid of it tonight 'cause I know how to get it off," Kouji replied, standing back up.

J.P. raised an eyebrow. "How? We already tried damn near everything. What else is left?"

"The one thing we didn't use," Kouji told him. "Rubbing alcohol; the only thing that gets that type of fake tattoo off."

The guys exchanged surprised looks. "Fake?"

"Yup, I put it on him after he passed out drunk last night. Then I let him believe that it was real," Kouji said. "That's what he gets for always calling me an emo."

"Dude, you're an asshole," Kouichi grumbled.

"And you might want to run," Tommy added.

Kouji cocked an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Because it looks like Takuya heard you," J.P. said, nodding at the brunette's direction.

"Kouji, you bastard! I'm gonna rip you to pieces with my bare hands!" Takuya yelled, sprinting over to Kouji while holding his pants up with one hand.

"Oh, shit!" Kouji took off running, heading into the kitchen with an angry Takuya close behind.

Takuya ran after him, grabbing a knife off one of the counters. "I'm gonna kill you!"

"Aaaaaaaaahhhh!" Kouji ran out of the kitchen and back out into the lobby where he bolted out through the doors.

"We all learned a valuable lesson," Kouichi mused as he and the other guys joined a bewildered Zoe.

"Don't put a fake tattoo on Takuya's ass?" J.P. asked.

Kouichi shook his head and sighed. "Don't let Takuya around knives anymore....."

Alrighty, that is it for my ridiculous one-shot. Please let me know what you think and I am expecting flames due to the stupidity :p