Super Mario Sketch Show All in one!
By Stephen Paget
Hey! Everybody! Throughout August to November of 2009, I wrote a 17 episode comedy fanfic series called Super Mario Sketch Show, a series of short jokes which makes fun of Mario games, which you can see by clicking on my profile. I originally intended to update these fanfics and add more sketches to them, but seeing as how I have a bad case of writer's block. I thought seeing as how most people will probably check out about two or three parts of the fanfics, why not give them a special of taking every joke in the series and make it all into one fanfic for them all to read.
I mean why not? I already did it with my other comedy series. "I don't believe Mario's last name is Mario." Where I make fun of the surname of the Mario Brothers, so why not do it with "Super Mario Sketch Show?"
Warning: This fanfic contains some strong language and some offensive content.
Mario: Hey! Everybody it's the Super Mario Sketch Show! Da-da-da-daa-daa-dah!
Scene: The Mario Brothers home
Announcer: It's time to get up in Mario and Luigi's house. Luigi was already up making the coffee.
Luigi: Man…..what a night. That detective movie was something.
Announcer: When he heard an unfamiliar voice.
Voice: Good morning, Luigi!
Luigi (A little startled): Who said that?
Voice: It's me, the coffee mug!
Luigi looks to see that his coffee mug has a face on it.
Luigi (Sighing in disbelief) : Oh god! Does everything in the Mushroom Kingdom have a face on it! First the clouds, then the blocks, the flowers, the vegetables from Super Mario Brothers 2, the mountains and now this!
Coffee Mug: I know it's really an invasion of privacy isn't it? Word of advice, don't really use me for coffee. It really burns!
Luigi: Don't worry, any other stuff that talks which we brought from that junk sale?
Coffee Mug: Yeah! Don't use one of your towels.
Luigi: One of our towels has a face! Poor thing! Must be dreadful seeing naked people all the time.
Coffee Mug: Well…not just that. This towel is a complete homosexual.
Luigi: A complete homosexual?
Suddenly Luigi hears Mario screaming from the bathroom.
Mario: Luigi! Help! The towel is giving me a blowjob!
At this Luigi and the coffee mug's eyes both widen.
Sketch 2 The Mario Kart Double Dash races.
Announcer: Well it's a fun race we have for you today in the Mario Kart races. Unlike all the other races usually planned. This race has only lap and only 2 racers. The Mario brothers. Mario and Luigi vs the Wicked Brothers (often confused for being called the Wario brothers for people who don't play the Mario Party games), Wario and Waluigi!
Lakitu: On your marks, get set…GO!
The Wicked Brothers drive off, but Mario and Luigi still remain at the start of the course.
Luigi (shouting at Mario the driver): What are you doing! Let's go! The Wicked Bros. are way ahead of us!
Mario: I can't get the engine started!
Luigi (sarcastic of course): Oh! That's just great!
Mario turns the key trying to get the engine started. Luigi watches him do so. They both don't notice the small fire at the front of the fire.
Luigi: C'mon! keep turning the key!
Then the car explodes! Sending Mario and Luigi up flying through the air!
Mario Brothers: GAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The Wicked Brothers then look up to see Mario and Luigi both on fire and flying through the air. They both raise their eyebrows. Mario and Luigi then come down on the finishing line. The fire has gone out on them but they look horribly burned.
Luigi (groaning in pain) :Well at least we won the race!
Mario groans also.
Sketch 3 : Mario and Luigi are in a coffee bar sitting at a table.
Announcer: And now everybody it's time for Luigi's random thought of the day!
Mario (taking a slip of his coffee): A gold coin for your thoughts, Luigi?
Luigi: How do Zak and Wheezie the two-headed dragon brother and sister from Dragon Tales go to the bathroom? Do they go through the men's room or through the ladies' room. And which way do you think they pee?
Mario: Luigi. Here's 10 cold coins, next time I ask. Don't answer.
Sketch 4 - Level 1 of a Super Mario Brothers game. The scenary is what you would expect in a Mario Brothers game. There is grass, pipes, blocks to punch, and so on.
A koopa turtle named Simon is walking along.
Simon: Ahhh…What a beautiful day, nothing could ruin this day for me.
Simon suddenly hears Mario's voice.
Mario: That's what you think!
Simon (turning around) : Huh?
Mario leaps into the air and jumps right on Simon, injuring him.
Simon: Ow! Ouch! What the hell do you think you're doing, you crazy man!
Mario (Ignoring him) : I'm coming to rescue you, Peach! (Runs off)
Meanwhile Simon just lies injured, he is in tears at the pain he's in.
Simon: (Sob) My left leg….the fat asshole broke my left leg. I don't even work for Bowser if that's the reason he jumped on me. Well he's not getting away with that!
Simon pulls his mobile phone out of his shell. He dials numbers
Simon: Hello, police? I have been violently attacked by a man in blue dungarees, he has a big mustache, a cap with the letter M on it and wears a red shirt. He is a human and he's heading for Koopa Village, a population populated by turtles, so he should be easy to spot. I myself am lying here injured, my left leg is broken and my stomach is really sore.
Police Officer: We'll get right on it!
Mario is walking along stomping on some he suddenly hears police sirens. He then hears a gunshot and jumps. He turns round to see two human police officers with guns, a male one and a female one.
Male police Officer: Alright, You sick animal-murdering bastard! Put your hands up!
Mario doesn't argue. He does what he's told. We then see Mario in handcuffs inside a police car, driven away. At seeing this some goombas and turtles cheer in joy.
We then see a goomba mourn over the goombas, Mario just stomped.
Goomba: Aunt Jenny? Aunt Jenny….No! I'm sorry I told you, you smelt like pee.
We then see Simon in the inside of an ambulance
Simon: My life is flashing…..before my eyes.
Driver: Hang on there, dude! We're almost there!
Sketch 5 – A bar in the mushroom kingdom.
Luigi is sitting in a bar enjoying a drink of cola when he spots Wendy O'Koopa across the bar looking depressed. He then walks over to talks to her.
Luigi: Hey, Wendy. What's up? And aren't you a little young to be drinking?
Wendy: The drinking age is different for koopas. Go away.
Luigi: I see why you'd say that to me. Listen, I actually don't care for being a hero anymore, it just isn't for me, and I've been through too much fear in the few adventures I've had and I just got sick of it. So what's up? I'm not going to hurt or insult you in any way.
Wendy: Well if you must know, I'm unhappy because I don't know who my mother was. When I asked Dad, he just said me and my brothers were adopted from a home when we were babies and he didn't know.
Luigi: Or so he wanted you to believe. You were too young to really know. I know your mother.
Wendy: You do!
Luigi: Yep. Or in this case, mothers.
Wendy: Erm…what do you mean?
Luigi: Your father really liked hookers, Wendy.
Luigi: I used to see him in some of the clubs I was in. It's a shame he never took a hint to wear a condom.
Luigi: You have four mothers. One I think is responsible for delivering three of your brothers. Charlene, I think her name was, Sherry and Eva were the names of the other two but I forget the name of the last one though, but they were responsible for you and your other brothers. Turns out the birth rate is different for koopas too. It's tragic a human gets nine months.
Wendy: I can't believe I'm hearing this!
Luigi: I think Charlene, is in the bathroom right now giving a blow job to a human. Why don't you pop in and say hello?
Wendy runs out the bar screaming.
Luigi: Tch…try to help somebody and what do you get? I'm glad I gave up being a hero.
Sketch 6 Princess Daisy's castle.
Announcer: And now it's time for Luigi's random thought of the day!
Daisy: A gold coin for your thoughts Luigi?
Luigi : I hate how people think Ronald Mcdonald's a pedo. One of his friends is actually a police officer named Big Mac. How come Big Mac doesn't arrest him if he really raped kids?
Daisy: Luigi. Here's 10 gold coins. Next time I ask. Don't bother.
Announcer: And now everybody! Luigi's Mansion with more logic and common sense!
Scene : Luigi's house. Luigi is drinking a mug of coffee, from a plain ordinary mug and not a talking mug in the last episode, when he hears the mail. He goes to get it.
Luigi (going through mail): Let's see….Bill…bill. Huh….what's this. Congratulations Luigi! You've won a mansion! Oh great! More junk mail…this is just like those annoying pop-ups ads on the internet that tell you you've won a million gold coins. Well I'm not fooled!
Luigi chucks the bill in the bin and then sits back down.
Luigi: Thank god, I used some logic, that mansion could have been a pedophile's trap or something.
The Haunted Mansion. King Boo and a purple ghost are waiting.
Purple Ghost: I don't think Mario and Luigi are gonna show.
King Boo: Damn it! I really wish I could show Luigi I have the hots for him! I picked my best outfit!
Purple ghost: Dude, he's a living human, and you're an enormous white ghost! It wouldn't work out!
Sketch 8 - And now a life lesson.
Mario is walking along level 1 of Super Mario Brothers. He punches a block which releases a magic shroom. He picks up the shroom and eats it and becomes Super Mario.
Mario: Mmmmmm…this is what an everyday normal person would do, just eat enormous magic shrooms that move along the floor.
Mario's eyes suddenly widen and then he throws up! He then passes out on his vomit.
Announcer : Remember kids! Don't be like Mario and say no to drugs!
Sketch 9 - And now it's time for Luigi's random thought of the day!
Toad: A gold coin for your thoughts, Luigi?
Luigi: What's the deal with Bub and Bob out of Bubble Bobble? Why are they always being turned into bubble dragons? What's the big story of the series? Why do they get turned into bubble dragons and for what purpose? And in Rainbow Islands where exactly did they learn to shoot rainbows out their hands? Are Taito high on drugs or what?
Toad: Luigi here's 10 gold coins. Next time I ask don't bother!
Sketch 10 – The Mario Brothers home
Luigi comes through the door looking happy.
Mario: So how was your day?
Luigi: Great! I went swimming, and seeing as the frog powerup suit , helps me swim better. I used one of those.
Mario: Hey you should be careful; with those. They can have weird side effects.
Luigi: Oh, I feel fine! ( A fly suddenly comes out of where, and Luigi sticks out a long frog-like tongue and eats it. Mario's eyes widen in shock.)
Luigi (ignoring Mario's look): Completely fine!
Sketch 11 – The Koopas get smarter
Two enemy turtle koopas, one with a green shell called Marvin and one with a red shell called Alfred walk back and forth in the underground level in the second level of Super Mario Brothers.
Marvin: God! Bowser is so stupid, I can't believe he doesn't even give us a weapon to stop Mario with.
Alfred: Yeah, does he just expect us to go attack him with our 4 bare feet?
Marvin: And look at the goombas, they don't even have that sharp teeth and they don't even have arms! He has the crappiest army of all time!
Alfred: Well I've had enough, let take matters into our own hands and stop Mario ourselves.
Alfred: Well we have all these coins that just seem to be floating all around out of nowhere for some reason, and there's a guy I know who owns a gun shop down the road.
Marvin: I think I know where you're getting at.
Alfred: Let's go.
Later that day, Mario came down the pipe into the underground level, only to then get his leg caught in a bear trap after leaving the pipe.
Mario: ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OW OW! It hurts!
Marvin and Alfred then appear with evil grins. Marvin is holding a shotgun and Alfred is holding a machine gun.
Marvin: Don't worry, we'll put you out your pain.
Mario got a huge amount of gunfire to his body killing him instantly.
Sketch 12 Announcer: and now it's time for Luigi's random thought of the day!
Peach: A goid coin for your thoughts, Luigi?
Luigi: When Mario and I take the magic mushrooms, why do our clothes grow too? The clothes aren't part of our body. Shouldn't they rip off and leave us in the nude?
Peach: Luigi, here's 10 gold coins, next time I ask don't bother.
And now everybody, a return to a classic people got a good laugh out of, a return to Stephen Paget's classic series "I don't believe Mario's last name is Mario!" Now if anybody has read those fanfics you'll have found that Mario went through an extremely hard life with his name, but if he actually got some good luck out of it?
Mario: No! Not again! I went through enough pain, in those stories. No more! I'm not doing it!
Author: But you….
Mario: No! I have no last name! It's just Mario! That's it! We have never been called by our full names in the games! Nintendo have stated we don't have last names! We are called the Mario brothers because I'm the most famous brother out of the two!
Author: I'll give you 10,000 gold coins
Mario: 10,000 and 1!
Author: What's the difference! Oh all right deal.
Mario: Pleasure doing business.
The return of a classic series
I don't believe Mario's last name is Mario: The return to Mario's hell.
Bowser has the Mario brothers trapped in a corner in his castle and is about to finish them off with his fire breath.
Bowser: Any last words, before you die, Mario and Luigi? In order to rescue the princess you must get the key I'm holding!
Luigi (coming up with a plan): Hmmm…how about more of a last joke, just to see how humorous I can be?
Bowser: A little unusual, but I'll allow it!
Luigi: Have you ever wondered about our last name, Bowser?
Mario (turning to Luigi and snarling): Luigi….
Bowser: I kind of assumed you didn't have one.
Luigi: Well we do, we're called the Mario brothers so our last name is Mario, which would mean Mario's name is…..well…take a guess.
Bowser: You mean it's….no way!
Bowser bursts into complete laughter and falls down, dropping the key.
Bowser: Ah ha HA HA! Mario Mario! That's the stupidest name I've ever heard in my life! Ah ha ha! Your parents must have hated you!
Mario (unhappy) : every time they do that, a little bit of me dies.
Luigi: Well actually they were drug addicts…like us, only they took worse drugs.
Bowser continues laughing, not noticing he dropped the key in his laughter. Luigi takes the key.
Luigi (smiling): C'mon let's rescue the princess.
Mario and Luigi both escape, and Bowser comes out of his laughter.
Bowser (getting angry) : Hey!
Mario and Luigi stand outside the castle. They have rescued the princess.
Princess Peach: Thank you Mario.
Mario (sulking) : It was Luigi's idea.
Peach: That's what I was doing, I was thanking him by his last name.
Luigi: Ha ha! Forget fire flowers, and hammer suits, maybe our enemies should just hear your name!
Mario: Oh shut up!
Sketch 14 - And now everybody it's Luigi's random thought of the day!
Yoshi: Yosh….Yos…Yoshi…YOSHHHHHIIIIII! (Translation: a gold coin for your thoughts Luigi?)
Luigi: Have you ever wondered about that Spin dash attack Sonic the Hedgehog uses? How does he do it, without making himself seriously dizzy and sick with all that spinning he does?
Yoshi: Yooooshi, Yoshi. (Translation: Luigi here's 10 gold coins next time I ask, don't bother!)
Announcer : And not it's time for…
If Mario was much more realistic!
Announcer: Can anybody imagine what would happen if Mario was much more realistic? Let me tell you this, it wouldn't me a very fun game. Let's take a look at the things Mario does, and see the humourous things that would happen if there was more logic put into his actions.
Example 1 – Mario hits a block with his hand or his head.
Let's hear what would happen if he or anyone else attempted this in real life.
Mario: Hey, coin blocks, I think I'll hit them with my head.
Mario jumps up and hits a block with his head. He then comes down, the top of his head covered in blood.
Mario (in shock): Gaaaahhhhhhhhhh! I'm bleeding! Quick somebody, call an ambulance!
Mario falls down and dies, from the tremendous damage to his brain.
Example 2 – Mario can jump six times, his own height in Super Mario Bros. Don't ask me how, maybe he has some sort of magic shoes.
Mario: Hmmmm…..better jump to get over this hole.
Mario makes his first jump.
Mario: Whoa! Arrrggghhhhh….this is way too high…help!
Mario makes it over the hole.
Mario (panting) : Wheeze I almost broke my legs! Well screw this! I'm going home.
Example 3 : He's a plumber and he's relied on to rescue a princess, what do you think the beginning of the story in the old Super Mario Bros game would go if it was realistic?
Toad: Mario, help! Our princess has been kidnapped!
Mario: Well what the fuck do you want me to do about it? I mend pipes for a living, you stupid cunt! I don't even know who this princess Peach is!
Example 4 : He takes on an army of turtles all by himself. Keep in mind, he is a plumber and these turtles are probably trained soldiers of Bowser
Mario: Alright, koopas! Prepare to die.
About six turtles come and violently beat the hell out of Mario, instead of just walking back and forth senselessly. The goombas just eat his remains, and Mario stays dead for good.
Example 5 : He can carry a huge amount of coins without any struggle, and I may like to add, just one of the coins is half the size in his bigger Super Mario form
Mario: Ach…goddamnit! I can't even fit one of these in my pocket and they're so heavy!
Mario manages to fit the coin in his pocket and walks extremely slowly.
Mario: Ahhh…oh man I'll never rescue the princess at this rate.
Example 6: He eats over a hundred mushrooms in a game. Putting aside the illegal drugs joke I made in an earlier episode, there may be another reason why he may become ill.
Mario runs to the bushes and throws up.
Mario : Bleeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh why did I eat so many of them!
(Also isn't it fascinating he never needs to go to the toilet?)
Author: And now everybody, it's time for if Mario Kart was more realistic! In the last episode we saw what happened if Super Mario Bros was more realistic, but what about Mario Kart? This episode marks the reappearance of Doctor Walson the doctor and Doctor Smith the vet from my Mario fanfic "A day in Doctor Walson's office" which for people who read that fanfic when it first came out, may have found a few mistakes with how the words were laid out and how it had not been published properly. As of 2nd November 2009, those mistakes have now been corrected along with some other format mistakes found in my fanfics. Damn website and its glitches, to read the Doctor Walson fanfic just click on my username….and now….
If Mario Kart was more realistic!
Sketch 16 The Mario Kart Double Dash race tracks.
Mario and Luigi are waiting by themselves for the other racers.
Mario: Yo! Where are the others? We don't have all night to wait for them.
Luigi: You told them the race was on the 20th right?
Mario: I sent everybody an e-mail, and sent them faxes. I don't understand!
Luigi: Hey here's another car, but it looks like an ordinary doctor's car.
A doctor's car drives up to Mario and Luigi and stops, out get a doctor in his 50's with white hair and glasses called Walson and a younger doctor with black hair in his 30's named Smith get out.
Mario: Well…well…hi Walson. I'm still taking those painkillers, what are you doing here?
Smith: A message from Yoshi in the animal hospital, he said to tell you both that the other racers can't make it tonight.
Luigi: What! Why not!
Walson: Well because they're all dead. Well nearly all of them.
Mario and Luigi: WHAT!
Walson: Yes, the last race you had was two weeks ago right? And you had come in 1st right?
Mario: Yes, so?
Luigi (smiling): Oh that was an awesome night.
Walson: You're not going to think that, after I tell you this, I sat watching the race and saw the kind of weapons you threw at the racers.
Mario: Go on.
Walson: Remember that red shell you threw at Peach and Daisy that sent them flying off the cliff into the sea?
Walson: They both drowned.
Luigi (in shock): We killed our girlfriends!
Walson: They went in too deep into the sea upside down, and the Lakitu couldn't get them out and it was too deep to swim to the surface so they drowned.
Luigi (crying): Sob! Daisy…..
Walson: I still remember Daisy's last words I heard before they flew off the cliff. I will quote "Luigi, you asshole son of a bitch!"
Smith: But don't worry, if they hadn't already drowned, they would have got their flesh blown off by the Wicked Brothers, Wario and Waluigi.
Smith: Remember that bomb that Waluigi threw?
Mario: Well no we were well ahead of them.
Smith: Many of the racers were caught in the explosion, it was a horrible gorey mess. It was sad that the Wicked Brothers themselves were caught in the explosion. It was horrible seeing the splattered remains of Wario, Waluigi, Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong and Birdo all over the track, and the look on Birdo's face after she got her head blown off, it looked like she had seen hell.
Walson: It's a miracle Yoshi survived. But he's lying in the hospital, horribly burnt, in bandages , in a huge amount of painkillers.
Mario soon joins in crying with Luigi.
Mario: Sob…..Poor yoshi.
Luigi: What about Bowser and Bowser Junior are they ok?
Smith: No…they died from being hit by the front of a truck, what you were doing having a race on a road with traffic going backwards is beyond me.
Walson: The other racers are O.K although sopme are horribly scarred for life and horribly burnt in some areas of that big fireball you threw at them just before you made it to that finish line.
Mario: What have we done! My god…our friends.
Smith: The other racers as you might guess, don't want to race ever again.
Luigi: Who can blame them?
Walson: It makes me wonder what you two were doing was illegal.
Smith: I think it is, Yoshi said that seeing as it's called "Mario Kart" he thinks that Mario should be locked up for organizing such a dangerous event. The police are on their way now. Luigi too for going along with the idea
Luigi: We're in trouble.
Walson: Well…..enjoy prison you two. Well I've had a hard day treating your friends so I'll call it a day.
Smith: Same here, Walson.
The two doctors get into their car and drive off leaving Mario and Luigi in shock. Police sirens are now heard outside the race track.
And that's what would happen if Mario Kart was more realistic, but if it was much more realistic then that, where would Mario and his friends even get their own race tracks named after them in the first place.
Level 8-3 of Super Mario Brothers.
Mario is standing outside the castle on level 8-3, he's on the last level of rescuing the princess. He is in his small Mario form, he looks everywhere for a shroom over to find all the blocks have been punched.
Mario: Damnit! I can't take on Bowser without some protection!
Suddenly Toad appears out of nowhere.
Toad: Hey Mario! The princess is in this castle. Just wanna wish you the best luck on rescuing her.
Mario then looks at Toad strangely, noticing his head assembles a magic mushroom.
Toad (Gulping) : Er….Mario, why are you looking at me like that?
Toad: Yipe! (He runs off)
Mario: Come back here! (Starts to chase him)
Toad: Help! He's gone crazy! He's almost like one of the zombies in a George Romero film!
Mario then leaps on to Toad, like a tiger catching his prey and takes a small bite out of Toad's head, he grows to his Super Mario form. After taking a bite he leaves Toad alone.
Toad (lying injured): Somebody, please call a doctor.
Mario and Bowser face each other on the bridge over a lava pit in the last level.
Mario: Alright Bowser! Show me what you got!
Bowser breathes a fireball at Mario, Mario jumps up avoiding the fireball. When Mario lands, he then looks at Bowser's face, that looks like it's in pain.
Bowser: Owwwww! Ow! Ouch! I burnt my tongue! God damn! Doctor Smith has told me a thousand times! When I breathe fire! I have to aim it well away from my tongue and not breathe so much of it!
Bowser: Uggghhhh! You win! I need to make a doctor's appointment to get more of that cream.
Bowser then walks past Mario and then to a telephone.
Mario (smiling and says quietly to himself): Easy victory. (Mario then jumps to the next room.)
Bowser (on the phone): Hello, Doctor Smith? It's Bowser, again.
Mario enters the room only to find Link from the Legend of Zelda series there.
Link: O.K I've made a huge hole in the wall, you can escape now.
Mario: Hey! That's my girlfriend! And aren't you dating Zelda?
Link: Zelda's an irritating bitch queen! Peach for the win!
Mario: I came all this way, and I'm not leaving empty handed!
Link: Guess, we'll have to fight for it.
Mario: Oh Link, you know, I could never fight you. The way you handle that sword, you'd slice me in two in seconds..
Link: Glad you see it my way.
Mario: O.K You can have Peach. Let's shake hands in agreement.
Link: Alright, let's!
While Mario and Link shake hands, Link doesn't notice that Mario then rolls his other hand into a fist. Mario then swings his fist and punches Link in the face so hard he gets knocked out unconscious.
Mario: Ha! Ha! Sucka! You think I'm that much of a pussy? Do I look like Luigi? (turning to Peach) C'mon Peach let's go home.
Peach: Thank you Mario! The kingdom is safe.
Mario: Well only for the next five minutes till you get kidnapped again.
Peach: Very funny.
A coffee bar
Sketch 18 : Mario and Luigi are sitting around a coffee table in a coffee bar sipping coffee.
Luigi: A gold coin for your thoughts, Mario?
Mario: Isn't it usually people who ask YOU that? But if you must know. I think Shigeru Miyamoto, the creator of us is a racist.
Luigi: What gives you that idea?
Mario: Well one of the enemies Bowser has is called a goomba. In real life goombas are an insulting word for Italians.
Mario: And think about it, we're portrayed as overweight people who have lowly jobs as plumbers .
Luigi: Oh…I agree with the plumber job, but as for weight I don't know nowadays, if you look at our designs in the newer games we don't look so fat.
Mario: Let me go on, what else is insulting, the racist stereotyping. Look at the introduction to Super Mario 64 where I say It's-a-me Mario! I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure there are a lot of Italians out there who can speak English, without saying a after every word.
Luigi: Yeh…..that's true.
Mario: And remember the Super Mario Bros Super Show?
Luigi: God! I'd rather not. That show makes even less sense and is even more confusing than the video games. The creator of Super Mario Sketch Show is lucky I'm even agreeing to do this show.
Mario: Well for your own sake, I'll only say this, remember how that show portrayed us having huge love for Italian foods? That's also racist I'd think. Thinking about Italian foods all the time. I'm just as capable of eating other foods of different nationalites!
Luigi: Yeah…that was god awful. But let be tell you this Do you know why I'd not as insulted as you at all this Italian stereotyping?
Mario: Why is that?
Luigi: Technically, Mario, we're not Italian.
Luigi: Haven't you ever played Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island? We were born in the mushroom kingdom and if you complete that game we're delivered to a mushroom house in the mushroom kingdom. So technically we're not Italian.
Mario: Come to think of it you're right there's also Mario and Luigi Partners in Time which show us as babies going to play with the princess. And there's also this magazine in America called Nintendo Power which had these Mario vs Wario comics also show me and Wario as babies in the mushroom kingdom.
Luigi: What can I say? Bad fucking writing right there, and how have we some how managed to get from the Mushroom Kingdom to Brooklyn, New York?
Mario: The creators of us are weird. Have we spent a day in Italy in our entire lives? But if we're not Italian. I guess I shouldn't be insulted.
Luigi gives Mario a gold coin for his thought.
Luigi: That's the spirit, although I think us being born in the mushroom kingdom is a bad cover up from all the racist insulting they're doing. And I'm pretty sure a lot of Italian people still hate Nintendo. Changing the subject would you like a hot chocolate? I'll pay.
One day in the Mario Brothers home, Luigi and Yoshi sit around the dining room table. Luigi looks bored.
Luigi: (Sigh) I'm bored. I need to have more excitement in my life.
Yoshi: Yoshi Yooooossshhhhhiiiiiii. Yos Yo Yoshi (Translation: would you like me to help?)
Luigi: That would be nice, thank you!
Yoshi sticks out his long tongue, wraps Luigi around it. He then swallows Luigi
Luigi: Yoshi, what are…hheellppp!
Yoshi then sits on the floor and lays an egg. He then goes and gets a golf club, and hits the egg with it. The egg then shatters against the wall, releasing Luigi. Luigi lies on the kitchen floor in utter shock.
Yoshi: Yoshi…..Yoshi!(Translation: No need to thank me!)
Luigi (in a weak voice): Just what I really needed.
Featuring another reappearance of Doctor Walson!
Scene : A coffee bar. Mario sees Doctor Walson, a white haired doctor in his 50's who wears glasses, sitting at a table, Mario goes to join him.
Mario : Hello, Walson!
Walson: Hello Mario.
Mario: May I sit here?
Walson: I don't see why not.
Mario: Hey, Walson? Can you give me some quick help about something, recently I just can't seem to get that much around the house recently. I just don't have the energy to do chores.
Walson: Are you sure it's not just laziness?
Mario: That's what I thought too, but can you give me the medical term so I can tell Luigi?
It's Luigi's random thought of the day! Oh wait…..hold on…I have a letter here he has a sore throat and can't talk. Oh well, guess it has to be Wicked Bros in this scene. Hey Wario, Waluigi!
It's time for Lu…..Waluigi's random thought of the day!
Wario: A gold coin for your thoughts, Waluigi?
Waluigi: I've always wondered Wario, are we human beings? Look at our ears, are we some kind of elf?
Wario : Huh…..good point. Just don't expect me ever to make presents for Santa Claus.
Author: Sigh…oh well it could have been a worst sketch.
Wario: Bad decision using Waluigi, he doesn't think any thoughts at all!
Waluigi: Oh blow me Wario!
Mario: Hey everybody! It's the Super Mario Sketch Show! Dah da da daa!
Sketch 22 – Be warned stars have sharp edges.
Mario is walking along a level in Super Mario Brothers. He sees a block and punches it releasing a yellow invincibility star.
Mario: Hey! A Star!
Mario reaches out to touch the star only to have his hand cut off by the sharp edges of the star.
Mario: Gaaahhhhhhhhhhhh! My hand!
Sketch 23 : Do the job right.
Mario is standing on a lava pit with Bowser with his hand stitched back on.
Mario: Alright let's do this right.
Mario pulls out a star and become invincible, he runs through Bowser killing him.
Mario: Yes! I did it!
Peach then appears from the next room.
Peach: Mario! You saved me! Gimme a hug!
Peach then runs to hug Mario, while he still has the invincible star! He then accidentally kills Peach with his invincibility!
Mario (holding Peach's dead body) : Ahhhhh! Shit!
So remember kids, use stars responsibly!
Sketch 24 – Seeing as Luigi still has his sore throat, here's Waluigi's random thought of the day! And here's the Wicked Brothers, Wario and Waluigi!
Wario: A gold coin for your thoughts, Waluigi!
Waluigi: Have you ever thought about all these gold coins, floating in the sky everywhere? Never mind how they get there, if they are gold coins floating everywhere in the mushroom kingdom, why does anybody in the mushroom kingdom even have a job, when they can just get all these coins everywhere.
Wario: Good point.
Waluigi. Adding on to the plus side at least you won't ever get asked by homeless people for change.
Wario: It's not that cool, who else am I gonna beat up when I'm bored?
Waluigi: Wario that's not evil, that's tourette syndrome, you gotta have a bigger reason to beat people up.
Sketch 25 – The introduction to Wapeach and Wadaisy.
Scene : A park.
One day, Mario and Luigi were sitting down on a bench with princesses Peach and Daisy. When Wario and Waluigi appeared.
Luigi: Hello Wario brothers! What's up?
Waluigi: No we're the Wicked Brothers! God! Why can't anybody ever get our team name right?
Wario: Anyway, we just thought we might tell you both that we both have girlfriends now.
Mario: Cardboard cut outs don't count as girlfriends.
Wario: Watch it smart-ass! They're real people. They're joining us just shortly after they come out the clothes shop.
Luigi: What are their names?
Wario: Wapeach and Wadaisy.
Mario(suddenly seeing a pattern in their names): Wait, what!
An evil looking pair of women then appear in the park. They look almost like Peach and Daisy. Wapeach is short and obese just like Wario, and Wadaisy is really tall and skinny just like Waluigi. Both girls have red evil looking eyes.
Luigi (looking at Peach and Daisy and then looking at Wapeach and Wadaisy) : Holy shit!
Wapeach (Looking at Peach and Daisy): Well…well folks, if it isn't our cousins Peach and Daisy. How's it going you goody two shoe bitches?
Peach: Get lost!
Wadaisy: Like we'd ever hang out with you four anyway. Later losers!
The Wicked Brothers and their girlfriends leave. Mario and Luigi just sit stunned.
Mario: I don't believe this. O.K does everybody have an evil cousin or evil alter-ego now!
Peach: Seems that way.
Luigi: Yeah! What's next Watoad or Wayoshi!
Suddenly a mushroom with a black biker leather jacket, white T-shirt, sunglasses and a head like the poison mushroom power-up from the Japanese version of Super Mario Bros 2. appears along with a black Yoshi with red hair. The black Yoshi has stitches in his arm like he received it from a fight involving a knife. The two appear behind the bench Mario, Luigi, Peach and Daisy are sitting on.
Watoad: Did somebody say our names?
Mario (frowning) : I don't want to turn around, do I?
Luigi (also frowning) : No you don't.
Peach : Let's just walk forward, out of this park and not turn around.
The four do so. Watoad and Wayoshi raise their eyebrows.
Watoad: Indeed. Let's go find our friends, the Wicked Brothers!
Mario: Hey! Everybody! It's the Super Mario Sketch show!
Luigi: We're just like Super Mario Bros Super show but less cheesier, and isn't full of shit that makes no sense.
Sketch 26 – Yoshi's dream
One day in Yoshi's home which you see in Super Mario World. Yoshi was lying against a tree having a dream. He is dreaming that Mario is his pet and he was the master.
Yoshi is holding a stick, while Mario is on his hands and knees like a dog.
Yoshi (throwing stick) : Go get it Mario! That's a good boy!
Mario brings the wrong branch
Yoshi: No Mario! That's the wrong stick! Bad boy!
Mario looks down in shame.
Yoshi: Oh don't be that way. It's just a game. I need to go pick up some groceries.
Yoshi then gets on Mario's back. And then rides him the same way Mario rides Yoshi in Super Mario World. While riding to the store. Yoshi sees a goomba.
Yoshi: Goomba! Go eat it Mario!
Mario then sticks out a long tongue and eats the goomba. Yoshi then hears Mario's voice.
Mario: Hey Yoshi! Wake up!
Yoshi wakes up to see Mario holding a saw.
Mario: C'mon Yoshi. You promised you'd help be with some woodwork today!
Mario walks away leaving Yoshi to wake himself up.
Yoshi: Yos Yoshi! (Translation: Ahhh…shit!)
Sketch 27 : The Mario Golf courses. Mario is playing golf with Luigi.
Mario (looking at a score chart on a piece of paper): Oh…..I'm gonna win! I've got the least amount of swings more than any other player! Oh I am so great! I am so great! I am so great! Nothing could go wrong!
Mario swings his golf club and hits the ball. The ball end up hitting the golf course manager on the top of the head.
Golf manager: OWW! Whoever did that will be disqualified!
Luigi (shouting to golf manager): He did it! (points to Mario)
Golf Manager: You're outta here!
Luigi (Turning to Mario and smiling) : You were saying?
Mario: Shut up.
Sketch 28 – The Wicked Brothers random thought of the day.
Announcer: And now it's the Wicked Brothers random thought of the day! Although Luigi's sore throat is better, he insisted that because they did such a great job they'd get some more sketches.
Wario: A gold coin for your thoughts Waluigi!
Waluigi: According to Mario and Luigi Superstar Saga. Not only do green mushrooms give you extra lives but they bring you back from the dead. If nobody can die then the Mushroom Kingdom must be seriously overpopulated!
Wario: What happens if you use the green mushrooms on people who die of old age? Do they just remain alive for 30 seconds before they die again from their heart problems?
Waluigi: I guess that's the only way people really die in the mushroom kingdom.
Wario: There should be laws somewhere about how mushroom people should not be allowed to have babies if there's a limit.
Waluigi: As much as you and I don't care for the law. That rule I would actually obey.
Wario: Same here. (hands Waluigi a gold coin)
Featuring another appearance of Doctor Smith the vet!
Sketch 29 – A vet's office
Luigi has gone to pick up Yoshi from the vet. Doctor Smith comes through to see Luigi, and is carrying Yoshi in his arms.
Doctor Smith: I'm afraid I have to put Yoshi down, Luigi.
Luigi (beginning to cry) : What! Why?
Doctor Smith: Because he's too heavy. (Doctor Smith sets Yoshi on a table and smiles.) gotcha there didn't I?
Luigi's sadness then goes to anger.
Doctor Smith (seeing Luigi's red angry face) : Oh er…..hey…. tell you what, how about if you only pay half on this bill?
Sketch 30 – Coming soon! Super Luigi Ballet Dancing!
Scene – The Mario Brothers home. The mail comes through the door and Luigi goes to get it.
Luigi (sorting through mail) :Yes the check from the mail is here!
Mario: You got a check? What for?
Luigi: They gave me a new game where I teach ballet dancing.
Mario: You! Ballet dancing! Ha! Ha! Ha! What made you say "yes" to the idea!
Luigi: I was running low on money and I couldn't find any coins to take.
Mario: That's no excuse! People will think you're gay!
Luigi: People already think I'm gay! Sheesh….
Final Sketch! - A bar.
Mario and Luigi are sitting in a bar drinking some beer. Mario sits looking depressed. He sighs….
Mario: My life sucks.
Luigi: What's the matter? Oh I see…..look Mario, you just have to get over the fact Michael Jackson is dead. I know you were sad, but look on the bright side, true he had good music but people did say he was a child molester.
Mario: It's not that….I'm tired of rescuing princess Peach over and over again. I'm getting old Luigi! I'm 40 years old! I can't run as much as I used to when Peach was first kidnapped. And the koopas are getting smarter!
Suddenly Elvin Gadd from Luigi's mansion appears.
E Gadd : Hello, boys I couldn't help overhearing your problem. Maybe I can help you.
Luigi: Oh no. I don't think bringing Michael Jackson back to life is a good idea,
E Gadd: That is not my idea!
E Gadd: You say the problem is that Peach is always getting kidnapped, right?
E Gadd: Let me discuss the plan, Mario, come to the counter with me. Luigi you sit here
Luigi: Why can't I hear the plan too?
Mario: Knowing you, you'd screw it up.
Mario and Elvin Gadd go to the counter laughing.
Luigi (sulking) : Assholes.
Scene 2 – The next day. The park
Peach is sitting on a bench, when Bowser walks along, seeing Peach all by herself.
Bowser: Princess Peach? (He feels her arm) Metal. I'm not sure what this is, but I think I'll take it anyway!
Grinning, he picks Peach up and runs all the way back to the castle. Mario then appears out of the bushes pulls out a mobile phone, dials a number and talks into it.
Mario : It worked, Bowser has the fake robot Peach!
E Gadd : Excellent! Come back to the castle, and we can watch the mayhem!
Scene 3 - Princess Peach's castle.
Mario, Luigi, Peach and E Gadd stand in a room that has a big monitor screen.
E Gadd: If you take a look at this screen, we can actually see what the Robot Peach views through her eyes.
Peach: And you say the bomb is a like a small nuclear bomb? It'll blow up the whole of the Koopa army?
E Gadd: Yep!
Luigi: I'm only glad that the koopa town is far away from Bowser's castle. Those poor innocent koopas if caught in the blast.
Mario: All we have to do now is just activate the bomb, by pressing this switch! (holds up a remote)
We see Bowser and the Robot Peach in a bedroom.
Mario: Bowser's bedroom.
Luigi: Oh my god. Are they gonna…..
Mario: Activate the bomb now! (presses the switch)
Bowser then takes a look at Peach's eyes, which has a 5 in them, then a 4….
Bowser: What the hell!
We then hear Mario's voice come from the robot.
Mario's voice (in robot) : Surprise Bowser! This princess peach is a small nuclear bomb which will wipe out you and all your army! Tell the Koopa Kids I said bye!
Bowser (in a strange calm voice): Well at least I almost died the way I wanted too. I may not be 112 but it was while having sex!
The robot blows up. Destroying Bowser and his huge army turning them all into a fiery pulp. And Bowser was in no way going to back in any way with a green mushroom because his body was gored everywhere. As well as the army all of Bowser's children were caught in the explosion. The world was now safe from their cruelty. The remaining koopa town without a king was now ruled by princess Peach herself. The koopas happy being freed from their cruel king learned to live and respect the mushroom people and they all lived happily ever after.
OR DID EVERYBODY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER?
Princess Peach's castle – A few days later. We see Mario and Peach in Peach's bedroom.
Mario (to Peach): Hey…..Peach you didn't have any sex with Bowser when you did get kidnapped did you?
Peach: Well to be honest yes…but I didn't enjoy it. Still he's dead now isn't he?
Mario: I suppose, no use crying over spilt milk.
Mario leaves the bedroom smiling, leaving Peach alone.
Peach (thinking to herself and sighing) : You may have been evil, but damn your sex was brilliant, and I loved your bedroom games.
THE END (FOR GOOD! THANK YOU FOR READING!)
Or was it? Even though I ended the series I thought I might do a Christmas and New Year's Special of the series. Enjoy. Even if it's not Christmas or New Year's at the time of me publishing this, you will enjoy them! Have fun!
A Super Mario Sketch Show Christmas and A Super Mario Sketch Show New Year! Shown in late November and early December.
All events in this story are a prequel to the lost ending of Super Mario Sketch Show.
This fanfic contains some strong language and bad taste, but that's to be expected as it stars the Wicked Brothers, Wario and Waluigi.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL!
And now here's Christmas with the Wicked Bros!
Scene 1 – The Wicked Brothers home on Christmas morning
Wario and Waluigi are sleeping in their beds when Waluigi wakes up.
Waluigi (grinning like a 5 year old): It's Christmas!
Wario and Waluigi get out of their beds and get dressed and go downstairs. Wario goes to the fireplace only to see we find a bear trap set.
Wario (sulking) : Damn it! Santa didn't get caught in the bear trap!
Waluigi: Wario, Santa doesn't visit here, he can see when you've been bad. Haven't you heard the lyrics in that song. "He knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been good or bad, so be good for goodness sake?"
Wario: Jesus, does he watch me when I'm in the shower? Pervert! And what a complete invasion of people's privacy! Santa Claus should be locked up!
Waluigi: Oh shut up and just open the presents Mario, Luigi, Peach, Daisy, Yoshi and Toad were nice enough to give us! Did you send anybody a gift this year?
Wario: I gave Mario a gift…
Scene 2 – The Mario brothers home. We see Mario open a gift from Wario. Mario looks inside the rectangle shaped box.
Mario: 20 magazines of pornography? (Sigh) Wario, your bad taste will never change!
Scene 3 – Back at the Wicked Bros home.
Wario and Waluigi have finished unwrapping the presents, and are now giving each other their gifts. Wario unwraps his.
Wario: Alright! A baseball bat! I can mug people easier with this! How did you know?
Waluigi: I've seen the hints you left around the house.
We then see the Wicked Brothers bathroom. And on the wall in black paint is written. "Waluigi, I want a baseball bat for Christmas or I'll bash you with my fists myself! Signed Wario."
Wario: And here's my gift.
Waluigi unwraps his gift, it is a game and a strategy guide.
Waluigi: Oh my god. Super Wicked Bros! For the Wii! You managed to talk Nintendo into giving up our own game!
Waluigi: I'm gonna read the stragety guide right now!
Wario: You do that. I'm gonna go put the turkey on.
Some time later Wario finds Waluigi still reading the strategy guide.
Wario: Hey you do realize strategy guides are considered cheating.
Waluigi: They are? Oh no. I don't like cheating in video games. Awww…..I ruined my gift!
Wario: Hhhhh….I think there's a way you can erase the information you just read.
Wario: Hit yourself hard in the head with my baseball bat. That will erase it. (Holds up the baseball bat he received from Waluigi)
Waluigi: Hey great! Thanks! I'll be in the bathroom. (takes the bat and walks off)
Wario (goes to get the turkey grinning): What a fucking dumbass! Ho ho! Anybody who wears an upside down L on their hat can't be that bright! (he then turns to the audience)
Because I'm not evil all the time. I'm just like to say Merry Christmas to everybody.
Waluigi (from the bathroom):Say Happy Holidays, they could be people here that don't celebrate Christmas!
Wario: What? No way! I'm not trying to be liked by everybody!
IGNORE HIM FOLKS. HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYBODY!
New Year's sketch
Let's see how Mario and his friends celebrate the new year!
Peach is having a party at her castle. Everybody seems to be having a fun time, except for Mario who is sitting in a chair in a huff.
A news reporter on the television is reading the countdown to 2010.
News reporter. 10 seconds, folks, 10, 9, 8 , 7, 6 , 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Happy 2010 everybody!
Toad: It's 2010!
Yoshi: Yoshi! (Translation: Alright)
Luigi: Wow. I've heard of people being in a huff at Christmas. But at the new year?
Peach: What's the matter, Mario?
Mario: 2010 is gonna suck!
Peach: Oh…c'mon. How do you know that?
Mario: Because Sony is gonna release the motion controller for PS3 and Microsoft is gonna release Project Natal. That could put the Wii in big trouble!
Luigi: Hey….look on the bright side, if anything happens we could always just be like Sonic the Hedgehog and appear on other consoles.
Toad: Wow. Mario on Xbox! That would be weird! Maybe I'll look like a real-life fungus!
Mario: But look how much appearing on other consoles ruined Sonic. Even though I don't care for him, that could be us! (Runs off crying.)
Luigi: Sigh…he just loves being the center of attention as a mascot, doesn't he?
Peach: Well at least this year, he's not taking too much alcohol and throwing up all over everybody's jackets.
Luigi: It seems even Sonic's defeat isn't even making Mario happy now. Remember how happy he was?
We cast a memory back to 2002. Where Sonic is sitting in a park drinking a bottle of whisky. He is in sadness. Besides him is a newspaper that says "Dreamcast has poor sales and Sega retires from hardware business." Mario is pointing at him and laughing. He has a magic cape on which you receive from touching the feather in Super Mario World.
Mario (giving Sonic the finger and dancing): Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Who's the fucking man, now! You're working for me now, bitch!
Sonic (sobbing): Have mercy.
Mario : Hey remember your commercials for the Sega Genesis in America. Remember the motto "Genesis does what Nintendon't?" Yeah it did what Nintendo didn't and that's why we kicked your asses!
Sonic: That's it! I'm gonna snap your neck!
Mario: Ho ho! Good thing I have a magic cape power up! (Flies away from him.)
We then cut back to Luigi and Peach.
Luigi : I don't care if we're rivals. I still think Mario was really mean to him.
Peach: Oh come on, after a good amount of those Sega Genesis and Game Gear commercials that mocked Nintendo's SNES and Game Boy, how could he NOT act like that? Sega were jealous bastards. Well, I don't know about you and I can't predict the future but if Mario games ever appear on other consoles I won't be annoyed.
Luigi: Same here. After all we're just small characters in Mario's world, right?
Sketch 2 – The Wicked Brothers home.
Waluigi is writing his news year's resolutions. Wario then appears and looks over his shoulder.
Wario (reading) Get poetry book published! I knew you were into stupid pastimes just like Luigi!
Waluigi: O.K Mr Big Shot. What are your new year's resolutions?
Wario: To go on a diet and eat less. No more obese Wario!
Waluigi: Ha! You made that resolution back in 2007! And what happened on the 3rd of January? I hear you screaming at 3am, "I can't take it anymore! Lettuce and Broccoli sucks!" a huge crash and I go into the kitchen to find you stuffing your face with 6 chicken drumsticks all at once!
Wario: Well it's true. Who likes broccoli? Almost no-one!
Waluigi: Don't make resolutions you can't keep and won't even try to keep.
Wario: I'll give up alcohol.
Waluigi: You did that in 2008. I still have that newspaper with you on the front page.
Waluigi pulls out a newspaper which says on the front page.
ALCOHOL TRUCK HIJACKED BY CRAZED OBESE MAN. And below it says "Truck found in river, contents in back of truck gone and beer cans everywhere.
Wario: On the plus side that was on the 11th of March. I made better effort.
Waluigi: Wario, face it you can't keep resolutions!
Wario (getting angry): Here's a resolution and I'm sure I'll keep it. How about I make sure your ass is kicked good! (Tightens his fists.)
Waluigi: If you do that, how about I show you my other resolution.
Waluigi kicks Wario as hard as he can full in the testicles.
Wario: Gahhhhhhh! (Falls down)
Waluigi: There's my resolution. You don't push me around! (Gives Wario the finger and leaves the room)
Wario: Ow….ow….you know maybe Mario's right that it's stupid to be a bully.
(Sigh…2010, and we still don't have flying cars. Oh anyway…..Happy 2010! And if you're reading this on any other year, happy 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015 or whatever year to everybody!)
And now it's the end. Have a good day!