How to Train Your Dragon

A Guide


A dragon is not your ordinary pet.

This guidebook exists because the training of a dragon is a dangerous task. There are, so to speak, "occupational hazards." As the earliest Vikings that landed on Berk discovered, if you screw around with a dragon, the dragon shall screw with you back. These are not cute pet sheep. These are giant fire-breathing lizards that will eat you if you treat them the wrong way.

A dragon, however, is not your ordinary pet in that it is, perhaps, the most intelligent pet you will ever own. This guidebook also exists because dragons are the most, without a doubt, complicated and nuanced creatures mankind has ever encountered. We have learned that if you treat a dragon in a manner not resembling that of a total asshole, dragons tend to respond in kind. If you don't try to kill them, they are, in general, extremely awesome. For example, say that you have a friend with a dog for a pet. You, on the other hand, have a dragon for a pet. Not only can you state that your pet can eat your friend's pet, you can also fly circles around your friend, laughing at his considerably lamer pet.

A dragon is not your ordinary pet in a final way as well. If you do not experience love for your dragon, then I can recommend you to a shop three blocks down from the dock. It sells souls, and if you need to follow these instructions, then you obviously have none. The very first dragon rider said that when he looked in a dragon, he saw himself. You will (unless you needed to follow my above instructions, in which case there will not be a man waiting with a sharpened axe at the aforementioned soul shop, no, not at all) feel the same.

This guidebook is less about trying not to die when training your dragon (though that is rather important) and more about teaching your dragon, learning from your dragon, how to fly your dragon, how to feed your dragon, and how to treat a dragon with respect and dignity. The rest should come naturally and easily, if it does not, refer to above instructions. You are the one interacting with the dragon, not me. If you can't figure out how to come to understand your dragon, and to love it, well, then, there really is no hope for you. (Except for the above instructions, which, as I will again stress, do not involve your immediate demise. At all. I'm serious.)

Training a dragon may pose certain risks (death being one of them), but take it from me, they're worth it. After all, we're Vikings, and to us, anything posing no risk at all can be left for somebody else to do. So have fun training your dragon, and try not to die.

If you manage not to (which should be easy), you're in for the ride of your life.

Review, Please. More chapters coming up.